AIBU...Husband not included me in will...

[Anon00001]

Me and my husband have been together 6 years, married for 2 and have a young child. I have recently found out that he has done a sole will over a year ago. He claims it was due to needing one for business insurance purposes and he tried to talk to me at the time but I wasn't interested (if his timing is correct I would have been heavily pregnant and suffering with severe SPD at the time) so he just went ahead and done it. But he has told me that he has left everything to our child and not to me. We have a joint mortgage with joint life insurance that pays the mortgage off if one of us dies and a lump sum too so I assume this would cover me financially if he did pass away? The only separate thing is that he has savings of around £5k. In terms of childcare if we both pass he has put 'across grandparents'. This was always a sticking point for us as I wanted our child to go to my sister, and why we never got a joint will done.
I'm just confused as to how I should feel about this - AIBU to feel hurt and pissed off he's gone behind my back AND excluded me from the will?

www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-jan-apr-2017/can-you-disinherit-your-spouse/

have a read of this

then just make your own will and let your husband know that you will contest his will after his death, added to which they'll not be a jot he can do about that as he's dead at that point

@Ideasplease322

However if parents have different guardians in their wills then it is up to true named guardians to come to some agreement.

Solicitors usually advice parents to discuss this to ensure they don’t leave a huge problem

This is usually an issue for divorced parents.

A potential issue arises if the parents each choose different guardians. In the above example, Jane has appointed her sister Charlotte, but Charlotte will not be guardian unless the children’s father Samuel dies before the children reach 18. However, what if Samuel decided in his Will to appoint his brother Matthew as guardian, and then Samuel dies? On Samuel’s death, both Jane’s appointment of Charlotte and Samuel’s appointment of Matthew will come into effect. The two guardians must then agree on all matters relating to the children’s education and upbringing. Should they disagree, the matter will have to be referred to the Court.

To avoid difficulties it is highly advisable that parents discuss guardians with each other and try to coordinate who they appoint – even if they are no longer a couple

People should also be aware that if, for example, Samuel's sister Mary decides she's a better option she can take it to court.

It's why it was recommended to us that our very strong reasons for not appointing my siblings were noted, along with our reasons for picking the people we did. So that if it comes to it your entire opinion is included for consideration.

OP, do you remember him trying to talk to you about this? It seems oddly coincidental that he "tried" to talk to you about something which he must have known you would be hurt and angry about, but you (apparently) wouldn't listen/discuss it.

A few things here:

1. Check to see if you hold the family home as joint tenants or tenants in common. If you hold it as joint tenants (which is the normal position) then ‘his’ share of the house will pass to you automatically as the surviving spouse. If you hold it as tenants in common, then he can leave his share to whoever he wishes. When you bought the house, did you sign a declaration of trust?

2. Life insurance proceeds pass outside and independently of the Will. Did you sign a nomination form? If so, have a look at that to see where the proceeds are to go.

3. As others have said above, it is a common practice nowadays to give the surviving spouse what is called a ‘life interest’ in the deceased spouse’s estate. This means that they have the right to receive any income from any investments that the deceased spouse may have had or the right to live in the family home (if the house hasn’t passed by survivorship). These assets then go to the children after the surviving spouse has died (or has re-married or moved in with a new partner, depending on what is in the Will).

The surviving spouse will not however own those assets themselves and will not be able to sell them themselves or to leave them in their Will to anyone else. This protects them for the children! The assets are legally owned by trustees, who are usually the executors of the Will, and so a surviving spouse is often a trustee too, which gives them a say in what is going on.

You can also include the ability for the trustees to release capital to the surviving spouse (or the “life tenant”) if they need it - e.g. if the income that they get isn’t enough or they need money for care home fees etc.

This is a really distressing thing for you to find out but I really would check these points above as it may well not be as bad as you think.

Best of luck!

DP and I recently did our wills, they are mirror wills. Individually everything is left to the children, I did this because I want my assets to go to my children in the case that I die first.

Your DH should have involved you in the process, mentioning it to you and then going ahead is not doing that, he has gone behind your back. He should have suggested dates to go to see a solicitor and if you had said not how he should have said well I need to get this done and involved you in the whole process.

In your shoes I would be taking a copy of his will to my own solicitor and getting them to explain the implications to me and then making my own will. I would not be discussing it with him but would ensure he knew that I had it in hand. Likely from what you've said though it would be the end of our relationship for me.

"I have recently found out that he has done a sole will over a year ago. "

What does this even mean? How did you find out?

@Cocomarine, you say there’s no must about it but surely either way the OP does own at least her percentage of the property. That may be less than 50% if they didn’t opt for a 50:50 split but usually with a married couple that’s the case. If it’s joint, she owns the entire house.
The only married couples I know with their mortgage arranged as tenants in common are those on their second marriages or who have children from a different relationship that they’re keen to protect.

I find it a bit depressing that so many married people view their surviving spouse as some sort of drain on money they would otherwise leave their children. If both people were alive then at least some of the money would probably be spent on retirement and care home fees. It’s a shame so many people appear to be married to people they imagine will hit the casino floor as soon as they’re widowed/widowers.

@flaviaritt

I find it a bit depressing that so many married people view their surviving spouse as some sort of drain on money they would otherwise leave their children. If both people were alive then at least some of the money would probably be spent on retirement and care home fees. It’s a shame so many people appear to be married to people they imagine will hit the casino floor as soon as they’re widowed/widowers.

It's not generally about the surviving spouse spending the money. It's about remarriage normally.

If the surviving parent doesn't make a new will then everything can automatically be left to the new partner. It can also end up being included in divorces.

The care home fees dodging is a new, and increasingly common, tactic.

@flaviaritt - for me it is about me ensuring my money goes to my children and not someone else and their children. People don't think about this enough, if you die and your spouse remarries then unless there is a will everything will go to the new spouse and possibly their children. I am not saying people do this purposely but it is very easy for this to happen. Additionally for me there is an element of trust, I want everything to go to my children, my DP has enough to live a nice life and I don't trust him to make the decisions re money and the children that I would make.

You say he did this for business purposes. Does he own or have shares in the business? If so then that could be a significant part of his estate. Also don’t forget any pension.

simple message everybody
talk to each other & jointly go to a solicitor
nb if one of your dc is disabled you may need to have an executor (can be sibling) to support their situation & you need to be able to trust them

There is no such thing as a true joint will, ie a single document that deals with the estates of two people.
What you might mean is a mirror will where person A writes a will, normally but not always naming B to inherits, and B nominates A to inherit their estate (or not)
The wills are normally drawn up together.

The OP does not make it clear if SHE has written a Will.

Additionally for me there is an element of trust, I want everything to go to my children, my DP has enough to live a nice life and I don't trust him to make the decisions re money and the children that I would make.

Which is a shame. I trust my DH.

If the surviving parent doesn't make a new will then everything can automatically be left to the new partner. It can also end up being included in divorces.

TBH if I died and my DH outlived me and the married someone else, I’d trust him to make a will that provided (as far as possible) for his new spouse and our children.

@flaviaritt

Additionally for me there is an element of trust, I want everything to go to my children, my DP has enough to live a nice life and I don't trust him to make the decisions re money and the children that I would make.

Which is a shame. I trust my DH.

Depends whether or not they are the children's parent.

Never ever trust the remaining spouse to do the right thing by the children in inheritance. So so many times you read of the new re married spouse outliving them and basically the monies bypass the original op children and the step children inherit. Death and remarriage changes people. If you want your kids to get something make it legal! Otherwise forget it.

I find this thread really odd.

When people are asked on mumsnet about using house funds to pay for care, everyone agrees no one has a right to an inheritance, and that children shouldn't expect anything.

Now on this thread everyone agrees that it would be just best to disinherit your wife/husband and give everything to the kids.

I don't agree it's best to give it all to the kids, I think it hamstrings the current partner. I don't want a life interest in my own bloody property as if I'm not terribly valuable and just to be got rid of before the rightful heirs take it. It's mine because that's the life we chose to live together- the children will have what's left after my care and I've enjoyed myself!

In our family one of my parents who remarried is leaving most of their house to us, the children, and it will have to be sold (so no life interest in that country) to do this. I think that's a bloody cheek for the partner who put up with him for 20 years to be turfed out so that some children, who may or may not have been visiting during that 20 years, can have the thing. I don't like how (and it is mainly wives) are treated as fairly disposable after a long marriage in a lot of European countries which include children inheritance automatically. Who wants a third of the house you paid into all those years yourself, and to be 'lucky' enough to be allowed to live there til your death. Miserable.

I’ve got a lot of sympathy for the ‘leave everything to the child.’ Three people I know fell out with their adult child for various petty reasons and unfairly left them nothing (basically a case of old people going a bit batty / being duped by conmen). I would like it to be impossible for that to happen to my child so (when I make a will 🙈😬) I will probably leave all of my savings to my child. Husband doesn’t need em tho and I will explain to him first.

If you hold your house as joint tenants then it passes automatically to you on husband’s death UNLESS at anytime before he dies the husband send you a mesage saying “we now hold the house as tenants in common.” If he does that then you own 50% and the other 50% becomes part of his willed legacy ie would go to the child.

I don’t know if you work or are 100% dependent on his earnings. If the latter and he died then I’m not sure what you would live off. You would be able to challenge the will and would probably win but this could take a year for a decision from the court.

Suggest you chat it through and he redoes his will and you do one too.

As to who gets the child, the family court will take into consideration what you both say in your wills and will speak to the various people then make a decision.

OK, so you had SPD when he tried to talk to you about it and he had to do it for work purposes. Put that in the past, he did what he could at the time, but things are different now and you are back in your right mind and thinking clearly so can have the conversation sensibly now.

Talk now. There are things in the Will which aren't helpful to you and with which you disagree and would prefer to get them out. You can now highlight your differences and talk them through reasonably and rationally over a period of time - it doesn't need to be done and dusted right now this minute does it?

Take your time. If either of you starts feeling irritated or defensive about these things (particularly about what happens to your child if you both die), then take a break of a few days.

The most important thing is to listen to each respectfully and properly and consider solutions from every angle you can think of.

He can only will away 50% of your marital assets. He cant give your share of the house away so it would mean you own 50% and your child owns 50%. I know a couple of people who've done this but one was due to later marriage, his widow owns 50% of the house and can stay in it till she dies, his daughter owns the other half. When widow dies she gives her 50% of sale of house to her family and his 50% goes to his daughter. The other was due to an abusive father and the dying mother wanted to make sure her son had something. His Dad stayed in the house till he died then the son inherited the full amount and evicted his new girlfriend. If father had married then son would have got his mothers 50% only.

But in your situation, a young family with a child together, his decisions are ridiculous. It sounds like he just rushed it though. I think you need to redo one together and actually get advice if he's wanting to protect his assets from a future marriage or children with another man.

If he refuses to redo his will and you still want to stay with him then you'll be able to contest his will giving everything to your kid when he dies. And you need to write your own will stating who you want to care for your child in the event of both your deaths. Social services will make the final decision between sharing custody between 2+ sets of elderly grandparents vs your sister who I'm guessing is around the same age as you and has or will have children of her own around a similar age.

@Nottherealslimshady that’s incorrect. For all we know, this man owns 90% of the house as Tenants in Common. In which case he can certainly leave that in his will to someone other than the OP. Or, it is Joint Tenants, in which case he can’t leave it to anyone anyway, as it’s not his sole asset.

50% of a marital asset isn’t a thing. It doesn’t just happen. It will have been set up via a solicitor, following correct legal protocol.

You can’t just say to the OP that he can will away 50%.

YAB extremely U.

You should have sorted getting your wills drawn up when your husband first suggested it instead of making silly excuses to ignore the issue.

Are you assuming that it’s something only retired folk need to do?

I’ve two friends who’s husbands died unexpectedly leaving them young widows with children. Luckily, both of their husbands had proper wills and life insurance sorted so they’ve both been ok. My nephew on the other hand, less so. He was the higher earner (not by much) so they only bought life insurance for him. His wife died suddenly and he had to borrow money off his retired parents to cover the mortgages costs in the short term.

Getting wills drawn up and finances sorted is something you should prioritise when you have your first child. Your husband appears to be the sensible one in your relationship.

If you were pregnant at the time, I'm wondering if he can leave something in his will to an unborn child?

@Mumbum2011

If you were pregnant at the time, I'm wondering if he can leave something in his will to an unborn child?

Yes you can - you don’t have to name individuals, just refer in the correct way to them, which covers even children not yet conceived.