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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU...Husband not included me in will...

119 replies

Anon00001 · 25/10/2020 10:53

Me and my husband have been together 6 years, married for 2 and have a young child. I have recently found out that he has done a sole will over a year ago. He claims it was due to needing one for business insurance purposes and he tried to talk to me at the time but I wasn't interested (if his timing is correct I would have been heavily pregnant and suffering with severe SPD at the time) so he just went ahead and done it. But he has told me that he has left everything to our child and not to me. We have a joint mortgage with joint life insurance that pays the mortgage off if one of us dies and a lump sum too so I assume this would cover me financially if he did pass away? The only separate thing is that he has savings of around £5k. In terms of childcare if we both pass he has put 'across grandparents'. This was always a sticking point for us as I wanted our child to go to my sister, and why we never got a joint will done.
I'm just confused as to how I should feel about this - AIBU to feel hurt and pissed off he's gone behind my back AND excluded me from the will?

OP posts:

marveloustimeruiningeverything · 25/10/2020 11:54

I would make it very clear that you will be sitting down and doing reciprocal wills, making the will he wrote invalid and replaced by the new one, or you will be getting legal advice to protect yourself going ahead. And that you'll be naming your sister as future guardians, not grandparents.

I'd also point out that legal advice might be to divorce now if he won't see sense in sitting down and making sure you're both protected in case of a tragedy, as are your children. Sensibly.

ContraIndicated · 25/10/2020 11:58

Fucking hell. That is a terrible thing to d to you. You sound too calm. You urgently need to find out whether you’re tenants in common or joint tenants. And you need additional joint life insurance. And possibly a divorce.

ivfbeenbusy · 25/10/2020 12:02

I actually don't think there is much wrong with his will and personally don't see why there is so much outrage!?

I have a similar will - I earn 3x DH and brought into our marriage considerably more savings and assets. My will stipulates the majority of my estate is left to our named children and he receives a lump sum. It's not enough to retire off. My will is done this way to protect my assets - if I left the lot to him he could easily remarry, leaving everything I worked hard for to his new wife who could then disinherit my children.

Plenty of active threads in legal etc at the moment where this very thing has happened. Personally I think he's been sensible.
I was also advised to go down this route by our wills company.

I can't leave him nothing as he could contest the will

ivfbeenbusy · 25/10/2020 12:03

Also he didn't go behind your back - he asked and you stayed you weren't interested

ABCDay · 25/10/2020 12:03

@Halliehallie9828

He tried to talk to you and you didn’t listen. That part is your own fault.

Or he might be gaslighting her.

KiposWonderbeasts · 25/10/2020 12:04

I know quite a few people who have done this. They are joint tenants, so the house goes to the other party (spouse) automatically. The rest of savings, investments, whatever goes to the children. They want their assets going to their offspring and not to any future blended/step family their partner might have.

ivfbeenbusy · 25/10/2020 12:08

@KiposWonderbeasts

Yes it's pretty standard advice now - my will company actually rang me back after our joint appointment and advised me privately that due to the prevalence of second marriages and step children these days that leaving the bulk of your estate directly to your children is the safest way to safeguard it

MintyMabel · 25/10/2020 12:10

Passing his part of the estate to your child is a good idea from a tax planning standpoint.

Make your own will doing the same. And state your own wishes about your child.

PicsInRed · 25/10/2020 12:10

If you divorce now, you get half, I would absolutely do that rather than risk having to apply to trustees for permission and access to basic funds to raise his child - then being effectively homeless on your child's 18th birthday (as even if you have half, there will be a payout required and you'll likely need to sell).

If he's worried about remarriage and something for your child, he should set up a trust to the benefit of your child, purchase a life insurance policy, and have the life insurance payable to the trust.

But this isn't really about that, it's about him being cruel and nasty. You cant trust him to ensure you are ok if he dies, and he can change his will whenever he wants without telling you, so you should seriously consider taking your assets now.

HermioneKipper · 25/10/2020 12:10

If he’s genuinely left you out of the will then this is grounds for leaving him. If my husband did this I would divorce him

MintyMabel · 25/10/2020 12:11

Or he might be gaslighting her.

Or he likely isn’t.

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 12:12

The main issue here is that the OP doesn't know about the house or insurance situation.

@Anon00001 They are the two things you need to find out urgently now. Once you know how the land lays there then you'll have a better idea of how to proceed.

seventhrow · 25/10/2020 12:15

Honestly this doesn’t have to turn into a massive thing? It’s perfectly reasonable for the DH to have needed to get the will sorted for business reasons and everything else was necessarily factored in. OP can’t you say “Sorry I couldn’t concentrate on this before but I agree it’s really important for us to get it sorted. Can we do this together, so we both have wills in case something happens, they mirror each other neatly, and we’re both happy about the arrangements we’ve agreed on?”. Then just get it sorted.

dontgobaconmyheart · 25/10/2020 12:17

OP a will is a testament of wishes. In the event you and your DH pass away and your DC are orphaned it will fall to the local authority to decide where they are best place. Named wishes etc may well be taken into account but the final decision is not your DH's, or yours. They will be placed in what is deemed the most suitable household or circumstances

Make your own will and name your wishes as he has done. You need to look into your own status of ownership and check your insurance. Did you participate in setting that up or does your DH 'deal' with these things. I would be checking the existing insurance paperwork and seeking proper legal advice if uncertain of your position and get yourself a legitimate will and understanding, as is your responsibility. I see no huge specific issue with him having a separate will rather than joint, especially if opinions differ. Or if he asked you and you weren't engaging. It seems a bit rich to have done very little about it yourself (when you could easily have at any time on your own steam) and then be up in arms. Make a will, check the terms of insurance, discuss with your DP what happens to pensions etc, express your own wishes about potential guardianship in your own will.

Ijumpedtheshark · 25/10/2020 12:19

Speak to a solicitor, they will be able to advise you on what you can do.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/10/2020 12:19

Surely he can only plan for what will happen to half of his assets? As his wife the house/pension/money is half yours anyways. So if he not just bequeathing his half to your child?

MinnieMountain · 25/10/2020 12:24

Why don’t you talk about it properly and make new wills?

ivfbeenbusy · 25/10/2020 12:28

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Surely he can only plan for what will happen to half of his assets? As his wife the house/pension/money is half yours anyways. So if he not just bequeathing his half to your child?

There is no automatic legal presumption that she would get half of everything if she died. If she was left zero you could contest the will on the basis he didn't make reasonably provision for her but that's it.

Nailgirl · 25/10/2020 12:29

My house and assets go straight to my children. If I got remarried -I would have the will done so it all went to my children -every penny.

If I was married and I had sole children with that person I would expect it all to go to them in turn to be left to the children.
However, I have seen too many cases among friends where one spouse dies and leaves everything to the children -and then spouse 2 remarries and either falls out or dies and spouse's 2 new spouse gets it. So I'm afraid long gone are the day that I would assume my spouse would give everything to the kids -so I would leave it to them direct. IF I remarry ever (highly unlikely) I would ensure my children get the lot.

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 12:30

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Surely he can only plan for what will happen to half of his assets? As his wife the house/pension/money is half yours anyways. So if he not just bequeathing his half to your child?

There is no automatic half split.

For example my DH's pension has one beneficiary. Whoever he leaves it too gets it all.

Money only goes automatic if it's a joint account. Any other monies or savings go with the will.

flaviaritt · 25/10/2020 12:33

I couldn’t be married to someone who didn’t trust me to manage our assets appropriately so that a fair portion went to our children after I had used them to live a secure life. My husband wouldn’t want me living in poverty so our child could inherit ‘his’ money. It’s our money.

SnowHare · 25/10/2020 12:33

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Surely he can only plan for what will happen to half of his assets? As his wife the house/pension/money is half yours anyways. So if he not just bequeathing his half to your child?

Pensions pass according to who the named beneficiary is.

If the house is tenants in common then his share of the house will pass according to who he leaves it to in the will.

If the hosue is joint tenants then she gets the house.

SnowHare · 25/10/2020 12:35

that was pensions pass according to who the named benficiary is inside the pension itself. IYSWIM.

Faultymain5 · 25/10/2020 12:39

If you’ve read Cinderella or Snow White you get the gist of what can and does happen when step families come into the mix. The original stories are not about “one day my prince will come...” (thank you Disney), those stories are warnings.

Therefore, see it as a husband doing the right thing for the most important person in your worlds. Explain your concerns about who is looking after DS,. And remind him that as DS grows you both will need to revisit his needs. Then move on.

Chloemol · 25/10/2020 12:41

You can’t have a joint will, you both need to make individual wills. The 5k savings is immaterial, it will cost that for a funeral

You need to take legal advice, as you say you have a joint mortgage then I assume the property is in both names, therefore only his half would transfer to your child

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