Are carers taking the piss?

[londewy123]

Hi all, I'd really appreciate some advice for others who might have been through the same situation.

My retired parents have hired carers to come to their house 3 times a day, 7 days a week for 1 hour per visit recently- they hired them within the last month.

Dad has (3 days ago) been diagnosed with vascular dementia and my mum has had servere, demolishing depression for 4 years.

Dad doesn't really want carers but needs them to prepare meals, wash up and do basic things like take out the bins.

My concern is recently I've been off work to take dad to appointments and if i randomly come in the house:

X The carers aren't wearing PPE at all!
X They're late by 30 minutes to an hour for their start time- no call or explanation!
X the carers don't seem to do abything; don't engage with parents, house is a shit heap, no washing has been done, floor really obviously dirty, fridge empty almost as if a carer hasn't even been in, let alone three in any 24 hour period!! 7 days a week!! I went in today randomly and the fridge was full of empty food packets. Nothing had been done.

It's heart breaking. I can't afford to give up my job (my own family depend on it).

Should I complain to the carer company? Am I expecting too much?! Wtf, this is the first really experience I've had with carers.

My parents are paying £25,400 PER YEAR for carers to come in 3 times a day, every day per year.

Am I being unreasonable to think they should wear PPE, actually mop the floor, wash clothes? Ensure fridge is semi full of food?
It's so depressing to feel my parents are being taken advantage of.

I work full time and am there when I can be,, hence why we've employed carers!!

You're right not to give up your job, OP. I hope you don't waste any more energy on the idea. Apart from the money, you're going to need regular time away from your parents' situation to retain your sanity.
However, it is a bit optimistic to assume that care agencies or carers are professionals. IME you can't assume that carers know how to cook the food your parents want, or even that carers from classy-sounding agencies will know to wash their hands between blowing their noses and preparing food. It's a jungle out there, and you will need to be very patient and level-headed and treat it like a job. So, it's important that you have time off.

Hi Poster.

I've ran Care@Home businesses all my career- my current one is rated CQC Outstanding. As a Registered Manager of Care services I'd be happy to advise- just PM me

YANBU to want the best care for your parents but YABU to want to complain that they arent doing things that arent standard parts of their remit without checking to see if they have actually been asked to do them. I think the first thing you need to do is contact the care company and find out exactly what care package they have in place and what services they actually cover.

Equally the carer may still be settling in and if your parents dont really want carers then the carer may not want to over step the boundaries until they have built up more of a relationship and your parents trust them to do anything beyond the basics of their care plan.

My grandparents both had a form of dementia but my grandfather's was a much more aggressive form and was more advanced than my grandmother's. There wasnt a care home suited to both of their needs and we did not want to split them up as it would have killed them both to be apart so we did everything we could to keep them at home.

It got to the stage where family support was not enough and we had to get carers in for my GF but my GM was very resistant to them doing anything as she was still capable of doing things for herself. The carers were supposed to come in 3 times a day - in the morning to help my GF get showered, dressed, medication taken and breakfast made; lunchtime to again give his medications and ensure he had lunch; and evening to give his medication, help with dinner and get him changed into his night things.

For the first few weeks my GM hated having someone in her house and would actively make the carers job harder - hiding medication, moving things, getting in their way in the kitchen trying to make stuff for herself at mealtimes (even when they offered to make it for her as they were making stuff for my GF) and being generally rude and uncooperative. After a while she realised they weren't just going to go away (when we bought a safe to keep my GFs medications in so she couldnt hide them, the carers let her make her meals and then made my GFs so she couldnt be in the way etc) so she stopped actively sabotaging them but she was still awkward and would tell them but to do something if she could do it herself.

Fortunately we had a great care company and as they were aware of her dementia and how upset she had been at having carers in they worked with our family. If she told them not to do something, as long as it wasnt something he had to do like give my GF his medication, he left it undone. When she was given a bit of control over what was done and got more used to them coming in, she started letting them do more things "since you're here anyways" and by the end the carers were her BFFs (after my GF passed away we kept the same carers as my GM now needed the care herself) and she was always asking us to ensure we bought XYZ biscuits and treats with the groceries "because they're favourites"

Am I being unreasonable to think they should wear PPE, actually mop the floor, wash clothes? Ensure fridge is semi full of food?

PPE - they definitely should be wearing it, especially now but I would ask why they weren't before I complained in case there is a reason - eg my great uncle is deaf and struggles to hear people through masks, so his carer wears a mask and visor when she visits but when she is sitting to talk to him she will take off her mask and only wear the visor so that he can hear her, and then put it back on when doing other tasks.

Mopping the floor - anything above cleaning the things they use during their visit - eg washing up the things used to make lunch and wiping down the surface the food was prepared on - is not a standard part of a care visit. You can either ask the company if they provide a cleaning service or employ a cleaner.

Washing clothes - again, depends on the care company. The company we had would put washing on but only if they had time in the care slot after the other essential care duties. Also, your parents may feel uncomfortable doing it and may have asked them not to do it (my GM was very reluctant to have a stranger doing her laundry as she didnt want them seeing her underwear etc)

Ensuring the fridge is full- that is again not a standard job. Some companies provide a shopping service - either accompanying the client to the shops to support them, or shopping for them - but it is not their responsibility to stock the fridge. With my GPs one of the family would do a weekly shop every Friday (my mum is one of 4 siblings so they would each do it once a month to share the load) and bring it round when they popped in for a visit. If the carer noticed they were out of something small like bread or milk they would usually text my mum to let her know, pick some up before the next visit and leave the receipt and my mum would reimburse them. If it was a larger/non essential purchase then they'd let my mum know and she would sort it either by adding it to the weekly shop or bringing the item on her next visit.

My PiL have a shopping arrangement with their care agency as we are 5 hours drive away. The same carer every week helps them write a list and then goes to the shops for them. There is a prepaid card which we top up each week and the carer photographs the receipt and scans it to us. It works well. There are also companies like Oakhouse Foods which offer frozen meals plus groceries (bread, milk, ham etc) delivered weekly.

Do NOT give up.your job OP.

@melj1213 Thank you so much for your detailed response. I appreciate you telling me where I'm being unreasonable, its all new but I need to understand ASAP so all this guidance is especially useful for me.
On Saturday (when I originally posted) I guess I was still feeling abit overwhelmed by the options /costs and diagnosis and feeling pretty helpless. Yes, I'd spent ages looking at Dementia and Age UK websites, reading books, reading basically everything I can online but it all felt abit much, like "I actually have no idea where to begin" much!
Now I know more -about who can do what and who really shouldn't be expected to do what- I will speak with the carer company (once we've all sat down and discussed as a family).

@EmmaGrundyForPM thank you. Yes, we do get meals on wheels delivered every day. I will look into a shopping arrangement. Discuss with my parents and then discuss with the carer company.

I think I know where the lines are now (i.e. responsibilities, what I can and can't expect from outside helpers) I will look to discuss directly with the carer agency.

If I'm not satisfied I will look into private carers as some have suggested. I've been searching online and there are a few I can actually imagine my mum not being horrendous too. Ones with significant years of experience to maybe not get upset by her bad moods.

Thanks everyone. I hope this is a good resource for others maybe in a similar situation. Has helped me no end.