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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleeping with a married man

123 replies

Singleuser65789 · 24/10/2020 17:20

So for full disclosure I know I am unreasonable, disgusting and one of the worst human beings out there. Any insult you throw at me I have already thought about it myself but feel free to throw them my way anyway.

So I am currently sleeping with a married man. We are in the same work place but we do not work closely together. He does not live with his wife most of the year due to work, he lives where we both work as do I. I have absolutely no feelings for this man. I do not wish to have a relationship with him, I do not wish to spend any time outside of work with him unless obviously we are sleeping together. The problem is the sex is absolutely amazing which is literally the only reason I haven’t stopped seeing him. I feel awful because I have been cheated on including by my ex-husband so I know what I am doing would destroy lives but I just can’t stop. I have absolutely no self control but at the same time I’ve completely detached myself from the situation and in my head it is purely sex. How do I stop this?

P.S I am not a troll or being in goady in any shape or form I just need a kick up the arse by someone else to tell me how disgusting I am.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 24/10/2020 19:09

Attention-seeker.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 24/10/2020 19:10

Are you both lighthouse keepers?

nosswith · 24/10/2020 19:10

Two wrongs do not make a right. The married man is just as guilty as you if not more. However, you can and should put an end to this.

SoPanny · 24/10/2020 19:11

Have a look at this thread OP;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/4058709-I-was-the-OW-during-an-affair-AMA

I think you are massively kidding yourself about the “it’s just the sex it’s so amazing” thing as I’d wager you’ve caught feelings and are now stuck.

The OP on that thread seems like a normal and sensible enough human being that’s fucked up in the past. What she has to say is worth paying attention to, filter on her posts only.

tattooedmummy1 · 24/10/2020 19:15

You don't have feelings for him, you don't want him, you don't want a relationship. You just enjoy the sex.

Invest in a decent vibrator /dildo and end things.

PicsInRed · 24/10/2020 19:23

Look at moi, look at moi, loook at moooi...

Sleeping with a married man
Storyoftonight · 24/10/2020 19:25

I would have a lot more empathy if you had feelings. I really would as I've been there.

But....you are doing this just for good sex ? Really?

feministfemme · 24/10/2020 19:29

You won't stop if you don't want to. You must be feeling lonely or empty on some level (because I know you know it's morally wrong, you're clearly repressing it based on your divorce) but you have to be the one to realise that only you are fucking things up, for his family and for you personally.

Convince yourself it's just sex if you'd like to, but there are plenty of people to have sex with without any commitment at all on a dating app. Are you angry at the OW from your divorce? Are you jealous? Do you feel disillusioned by marriage, do you want revenge on some level?

You don't need a "kick up the arse" (though I and others will probably give you one), you just need to make the choice of who you want to be, and if that person is a good person.

isthismylifenow · 24/10/2020 19:34

Go and read the post currently in relationships about a husband who has been caught out having an affair.

Then think about if that OP whose whole life has imploded, was his wife.

MartiniDry · 24/10/2020 21:02

Life's too short for self- flagellation, singleuser. It's also too short to sit back and accept abuse from internet strangers. Take any advice from this board that you find helpful but don't take shit from anyone.

Original poster
Singleuser65789 · 24/10/2020 21:26

To the posters that have actually given me advice thank you, especially to @SoPanny. That thread was something I needed to read. To the posters that have thrown insults that is fine I knew that would happen and I accept them however to the poster who said to “close your legs” that is not a insult, that is just you reverting back to shitty way to try and insult a woman and it says more about your character than it does mine... Soz if you’ve never made a mistake.

OP posts:
AIMD · 24/10/2020 21:47

I agree with others who have suggested looking at your self esteem. It seems quite self destructive to engage in behaviour that is so obviously going to cause pain for all involved in some way, simply because of the sex. Unless you are kidding yourself and you actually do like him.

Either way I think some self reflection is needed on your part about why you are continuing this relationship when it’s clearly going to end badly.

I would be interested in what work you do that keeps you living at work. Are you lonely generally or quite happy with that life style? Could you be seeking affection and comfort?

I think there’s probably lots to explore.

It’s sad that there is someone out there that is being lied to and cheated on, but it sounds like you are already aware of that. Next step is to do something so you’re not someone contributing to that hurt.

ViciousJackdaw · 25/10/2020 01:37

I really don't like this idea that women who sleep with married men are blameless. OK, they might not owe anyone anything but as a PP said, what would life be like if we all thought like that?

One person cannot commit adultery alone, they need someone else to make it happen. No accomplice - no adulterous act. The cheater is a ratbag, the person sleeping with the cheater is also a ratbag.

Want an insult? OK, you base miscreant, you clearly have the morals of a Conservative Prime Minister. I suggest you take a long, hard look at yourself lady else it won't be long until you catch a nasty disease that will make your vag turn green and close up. And then you won't be shagging anyone, married or otherwise.

Rubyupbeat · 25/10/2020 02:35

You are both disgusting and heartless.

ClarenceBoddicker · 25/10/2020 02:50

I know you said give me shit and you’re not a troll but in terms of actual advice I don’t know what you want because you know already. Close your legs does sound like something from the 60s and can be used in a misogynist manner but is actually apt in the circumstances. You haven’t claimed the man has been raping you so your actions are all of your own accord. Rather than say close your legs it’s probably more appropriate to say just don’t fuck him. These are your own choices and decisions.

ClarenceBoddicker · 25/10/2020 02:57

You’re far too passive in describing it as something which happens to you rather than you choose to do. I never blame the other half of the affair if they’re single themselves as obviously the cheater is the one in a committed relationship but it won’t work out well for you. You’re being used but can’t feel too sorry for you as you’re not going in blind

chickenyhead · 25/10/2020 03:02

If you go out to lunch with a friend, you don't let them order their food, eat what they want and give you the scraps left over.

So why would you accept that in your sex life?

I had a silent crush on my married boss at work many moons ago. But the day he tried to recruit me as the OW my respect for him bottomed out. If he was the type of man willing to do that to his wife and child, he became instantly despicable in my eyes.

Ask yourself why you are willing to have sex with such a low life. Then get an STD check ASAP.

Greeneyes78 · 25/10/2020 05:12

I hope you’re getting paid for the job you’re doing.

isthismylifenow · 25/10/2020 06:04

So are you going to continue sleeping with him OP?

LouiseTrees · 25/10/2020 06:05

@Singleuser65789

To the posters that have actually given me advice thank you, especially to *@SoPanny*. That thread was something I needed to read. To the posters that have thrown insults that is fine I knew that would happen and I accept them however to the poster who said to “close your legs” that is not a insult, that is just you reverting back to shitty way to try and insult a woman and it says more about your character than it does mine... Soz if you’ve never made a mistake.
I didn’t post because I saw you had some advice but don’t insult that poster, who is not me before you start. Don’t make them feel shitty on account of you don’t think it’s a feminist enough comment. You are the one who has decided they have to have sex with a married man. Sex is not a need like water or food or shelter and it is possible to just not do it. Glad you are taking the advice of *@SoPanny* though.
KatherineJaneway · 25/10/2020 06:07

but I just can’t stop.

Of course you can, you just don't want to.

Wolfiefan · 25/10/2020 08:15

@Singleuser65789 you didn’t make a “mistake”. That’s something that is an accident. Something you couldn’t prevent. Like getting salt and sugar mixed up when cooking.
You don’t accidentally shag someone repeatedly.
Stop lying to yourself to make yourself feel better.

cactusdog · 25/10/2020 08:19

You quite obviously have feelings for him.

flaviaritt · 25/10/2020 08:34

You clearly have some serious self-esteem problems. Maybe see a therapist? And give me his number?

borntohula · 25/10/2020 09:01

@Dugsbollox

How do I stop this?

By closing your legs and getting some self respect.

Ugh you sound like a misogynistic teenage boy.