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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sleeping with a married man

123 replies

Singleuser65789 · 24/10/2020 17:20

So for full disclosure I know I am unreasonable, disgusting and one of the worst human beings out there. Any insult you throw at me I have already thought about it myself but feel free to throw them my way anyway.

So I am currently sleeping with a married man. We are in the same work place but we do not work closely together. He does not live with his wife most of the year due to work, he lives where we both work as do I. I have absolutely no feelings for this man. I do not wish to have a relationship with him, I do not wish to spend any time outside of work with him unless obviously we are sleeping together. The problem is the sex is absolutely amazing which is literally the only reason I haven’t stopped seeing him. I feel awful because I have been cheated on including by my ex-husband so I know what I am doing would destroy lives but I just can’t stop. I have absolutely no self control but at the same time I’ve completely detached myself from the situation and in my head it is purely sex. How do I stop this?

P.S I am not a troll or being in goady in any shape or form I just need a kick up the arse by someone else to tell me how disgusting I am.

OP posts:

AlmaBaldwin · 24/10/2020 18:01

Oh yeah, like someone else said you won't be/have been the only one, get tested! I'd also tell his wife so she can get tested but obviously you may not want to do that. Although, if you work together someone may tell her on 'your behalf' anyway.

chelshodds · 24/10/2020 18:01

It sounds like he's using you as much as you are using him. Don't be a homewrecker, you don't want to be that person, I have been cheated on and I had to try and lie to my kids about why daddy moved out. And daddy dropped that side piece like a sack of shit once he was caught... You mean nothing to him.

Nottherealslimshady · 24/10/2020 18:04

Ugh I dunno. He's the one that's married. If DH was having sex with someone else I wouldn't be mad at the woman unless it was someone close to me.
I think we put too much responsibility on women to stop men from cheating. As though men cant help it but you should know better.
You might as well enjoy it, just dont let emotions get involved and be prepared that one day she might find ou and blame you.

Tinghtwek · 24/10/2020 18:05

I honestly don't get what you expect from this thread. Just catharsis, maybe?

Nobody is going to be able to give you some secret trick for giving up sleeping with someone you know you shouldn't. The answer is just don't do it. If you can't stop yourself then you just don't care that much, so just admit that and own your behaviour.

CakeRequired · 24/10/2020 18:09

If you can't stop yourself then you just don't care that much, so just admit that and own your behaviour.

This. You're trying to act all innocent, like you don't mean to it, it just happens. Oddly, I manage to work with men and not fall into their dicks all day. Its quite easy.

You don't want to say no because you're being selfish. Just admit that, stop trying to pretend it's not your fault and that you're just addicted or whatever. It is your fault as much as his. However, the breaking of the marriage will be purely his fault. But you didn't have to shag him.

Northofsomewhere · 24/10/2020 18:09

You need to remember the hurt, disappointment and complete loss of trust you felt, think about his poor family then delete all correspondence, his phone number and remove his from your life in every way. You need to be unable to contact him at all and take control. While he's the one that's married you are knowingly allowing him to cheat. You will be a contributing factor to the break up of his family, it may happen anyway but do you really want to be part of that?

Lockheart · 24/10/2020 18:10

These threads always bring out the internalised misogyny. "Close your legs", "homewrecker", "side piece".

The only homewrecker is the married man sleeping around. He's the cheater.

chelshodds · 24/10/2020 18:10

I'm sorry but disagree, if you sleep with someone you know is married/in a relationship you are to blame as much as they are. You are enabling that person to be a cheat and allowing them to think it's OK. It is not ok

Imworthit · 24/10/2020 18:13

@WorraLiberty 😂🤣😂

MissMudskipper · 24/10/2020 18:15

I've been in a similar situation a long time back. You know how I stopped - I realised my own self worth. I'd been in a not so great place mentally wise and I thougbt he made me feel better about myself. Turns out I just needed to get my confidence back and sack him off. Your not disgusting maybe you just need to realise you are worth so much more than that. Dont be sloppy seconds you are worth that someone who wants you completely not just for a night.

ZoominMoomin · 24/10/2020 18:26

You're playing sloppy seconds to a woman who has no idea you are having sex with her husband. The pain she will feel when she finds out will be immense, and you will be partially responsible for that. Just stop. Is having good sex that important to you that you would willingly play a role in destroying a family unit? You've said it yourself, but it's deplorable. Stop today, buy yourself a decent vibrator and leave him the fuck alone. Get some self worth/confidence somewhere along the way, too.

caughtalightsneeze · 24/10/2020 18:27

@Lockheart

These threads always bring out the internalised misogyny. "Close your legs", "homewrecker", "side piece".

The only homewrecker is the married man sleeping around. He's the cheater.

I'm not so sure. For full disclosure I am a one of those feminists who usually gets accused of being a joyless harridan, so whilst I am not claiming to be immune from internalised misogyny (I think that nature of it is that it is so ingrained that we don't realise it is there) I don't feel that it's quite so simple in this scenario.

The blame does lie with the man for cheating, but at the same time, he didn't cheat on his own. Obviously he is the one who has broken the promises he made in his marriage vows, and in that respect the 'other woman' hasn't broken any promises because she didn't make any. But that doesn't make her blameless. She wouldn't be the other woman if she just said no to the whole thing. If you meet a married man and you enter into this type of set up, I don't feel like you get a free pass just because you're not the one who took the vows.

Imworthit · 24/10/2020 18:32

I don't blame her in the slightest not her marriage but she's gonna get hurt regardless of what she says now.

PortiasPhantomPentanglePumpkin · 24/10/2020 18:33

Of course you can stop yourself, take responsibility for your own actions. You do not have to be a shag on the side for someone else's husband so kick him out of your life and find someone who has respect for you, unlike your bf who has no self respect for himself you or the health of his wife who if she finds out about his grubby pants off behaviour will be on the phone to her solicitor pronto and then will take his sorry arse to the cleaners
Lives ruined for a shag!

dayswithaY · 24/10/2020 18:33

I wonder what the point of your post is. You clearly don't have a conscience or much self respect because you would have stopped this yourself. You probably don't have friends as they would have told you to stop. Probably not much common sense either, as that would enable to you see how this sorry episode will end.

I'm guessing you're lonely and also quite pleased with yourself for snagging this prince and all the amazing sex you're having. Yawn. Well done, you've got yourself some attention, now go and do what everyone on here is telling you to do. By the way, the Pope is Catholic and bears go for a dump in the woods.

Imworthit · 24/10/2020 18:45

I once slept with a guy and after he asked for my number and told me he had to go home to his girlfriend. Didn't give it to him obviously! Felt so fucking dirty after. Couldn't shower enough. Felt sick to my stomach and so sad for the girl. Wanted to tell her but didn't want the drama or blame. Still makes me horrified to think about. That guy tricked me but you chose this knowing he was married and only you can end it.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/10/2020 18:47

It's actually not the sex at all that you're interested in. Even if it's amazing. There is no shortage of single men looking for just sex. Getting amazing sex is easy.

So, it's the fact that you're destroying another woman's life that appeals. So that you 'win'. Well done.

formerbabe · 24/10/2020 18:49

There's plenty of cock out there, no need to share.

Hope that helps

Imworthit · 24/10/2020 18:52

I think that may be true... Does the competition thing appeal to you? It seems like low self esteem.

MysweetAudrina · 24/10/2020 18:52

Why stop? The sex is good, you don't want anything more, you owe his wife nothing so not sure what the problem is.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/10/2020 18:56

I abhor the expression 'you don't owe anyone anything.' It's just a horrible thing to say or think. No, we don't 'owe' anyone anything, but what a thoroughly shit life we all would have if that's how we al decided to live.

YellowBeryl1 · 24/10/2020 19:02

His wife won't want him back now anyway, he is a cheating rat.

SarahSinuses · 24/10/2020 19:06

Do you have low self esteem, OP?

I'm sorry you are feeling so terrible about yourself. I disagree with how most posters are treating you on here and don't think mumsnet is the best place for this...

Every single one of us has made morally incorrect choices at some point in our lives. You are not an evil monster for sleeping with a married man. You made a mistake and yes, it will hurt his wife but the main person at fault is her husband. You can see that what you're doing is wrong, and you care. That tells me you're a good person at heart.

I would tell the wife if I were you. If you speak to her and realise she's a real person and see the hurt that this may bring, it will give you the incentive to stop. You can try to make amends by apologizing and staying far away from men in relationships.

You will find other men who you have amazing sex with. And hopefully you will also get to enjoy their personalities and know you're not sleeping with an asshole (which tbh would really put me off!)

PortiasPhantomPentanglePumpkin · 24/10/2020 19:08

I think his wife will be citing OP for adultery whether she's owed anything or not,

spongedog · 24/10/2020 19:08

I would have loved amazing sex with my husband. Only we didnt have because he was so busy thinking about the third person in our marriage (to quote a recent programme and not so recent event). Having then seen plenty of emails and text messages I know that she was not some innocent who didnt know - much like yourself. I call her the fucking cunt - because actually she really was and still is a manipulative person. Are you? (You dont actually need to reply - I dont give a shit - just bored on a wet Saturday evening). But you will know what type of person you are and how you wish to behave? Be the person you want to be.

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