If you are NC/LC with someone would you attend their funeral?

[TotallyKerplunked]

Just that really.

My sister died a little while ago and the funeral is next week. She went NC with me and DM nearly 10 years ago. Around the same time she also went NC with DB, DF, extended family and in-laws, all for quite reasons.

DSis was given a terminal diagnosis and shortly before she died she reached out to DM and they spent time together but not getting past polite chit-chat. She asked to see me and DB and we saw her once but she was too unwell to chat.

I don't have any interest in attending the funeral, while i'm sorry she died in that way while still quite young I don't have any sisterly feelings, tbh I was a lot more upset when my last cat died.

I'm getting a lot of pressure from DM and BIL to attend and its going to be a headache sorting childcare. She did a lot of unpleasant things to me before going NC and the NC was a relief in a way (although I did miss my DNs). She lied repeatedly and made up a lot of unpleasant stories about family members, told me she hoped i'd miscarry again, tried to spoil my wedding, stole my inheritance from grandparents etc (you get the idea).

So WWYD?

YABU - go
YANBU - don't go

You should go. It’s not for her, it’s for the remaining members of your family. Could your husband/partner if you have one provide childcare?

If u went, u might get the chance to rebuild contact with nieces?

I didn’t speak to one of my grandparents for at least 5 years before they died and attended their funeral at the request of my parent.

I'm NC with my sister and mother. I wouldn't go to either of their funerals. Not even to support other family members. When my mother goes I doubt she'll have anyone mourn her. Except my sister who will be gleefully waiting to get her hands on her money.

I think you need to weigh up the possible negative impact of not going, upon your relationships with your remaining family members. Maybe also, your Mum is feeling she really needs your supporting presence for herself?

If on balance, in consideration of the above sort of factors, you still think your best course of action is not to attend, then don't go.

But she's dead. The actions and hurts remain, yes, but maybe focus on the living, rather than continuing to gnaw over past wrongs and grievances of someone who is no longer there and can no longer affect you.

I'd go to support to your mum if otherwise she'd have to go alone. Doesn't matter what the brother-in-law thinks, you're not likely to be seeing him again and he'll have his own family there.

I would. There is no point bringing this difference any further.
Could she have had MH issues.
If she has DC I'd build bridges.
May she rest in peace.

I missed you have DN's I'd go to support them.

I also think that you should go for your Mum's sake. Can you imagine losing one of your DC, even as adults? She must be going over all the wasted time.

No. I wouldn't go. Your DM and BIL probably want you there for appearances sake. Remember why you went NC. Your Sis had plenty of opportunity to build bridges until it was too late.

as others say, going to this funeral would be to support your mother and brother. Sometimes you go tona funeral to mourn or pay tribute or show that you lived or respected the deceased person. Just as often the reason for going is to support another living person. Sometimes its a rite of passage to mark and accept a concrete ending even when you had a troubled or unfriendly relationship with the deceased in recent years.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. They’re dead - it means nothing to then if you turn up or not.

If you have a good relationship with your mum, go for her sake. She’s lost a child and needs your support.

Ah I was a no but changed my mind after reading everyone else's advise.
Yes indeed funerals are for the living.

Not exactly the same but DH's DF went NC with him about 10 years ago. He has recently passed away in his 50s. DH is unsure whether to attend funeral or not, he saw him once before he died at his DF's request. His DF did suggest he wanted to see him more but DH decided he didn't want to see him. I don't think he will attend especially due to the covid limit on numbers meaning other people are apparently arguing over of who will get to attend. And in fairness I can see how other people close to his DF would perhaps feel unhappy about DH attending in their place despite deciding not to visit him more at the end of his life. Personally I don't see the point in attending a funeral for someone you weren't in contact with at all.

I think you should go for your mum's sake. There will be no wake or gathering afterwards so you won't have to make idle chat and pretend you had a good relationship.

It will give you a chance to let go of any negative feelings, put her behaviour to rest, the story has ended.

Go. I had to go to my fil funeral in June. And had to sit and listen to people from his church say how nice he was. He was a bully and abusive to my mil. Horrible man.

I would go to support mum and brother even if not for myself.

I was NC with my dad for over a year and LC before that for around four years due to his alcoholism after having spent ten plus years trying to convince him to choose us over the wine. He died very suddenly last year and both my brother and I attended his funeral, along with my mum and around a hundred friends, family and former colleagues, most of whom had lost touch with him as he sank into his illness and rejected their support. Noticeably none of the vampires who had surrounded him in his last years were present apart from the lead bloodsucker who tried to get me and my kindhearted brother to give her assurances she would be looked after now her cash cow was gone. What meant a great deal was how the service remembered the lovely, generous and funny person my dad had been rather than the withdrawn and isolated person he ended up being. Shows that we can forgive and move past difficulties.

You said you miss your nieces. Go for them.

Personally, I would go - you can provide moral support for your family members, and grief is a funny old thing, you may feel like you don't want to go as at this point in time, then regret it later.

You are more likely to regret not going, than attending IYSWIM

Funerals are for the living. Go for her children's sake.

Go for your family's sake.

The cat comment is

Just don't mention the comparison with the death of your cat to anyone there.

In 10 years time, which do you think you'll regret more, going, or not going?