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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you are NC/LC with someone would you attend their funeral?

84 replies

TotallyKerplunked · 23/10/2020 18:16

Just that really.

My sister died a little while ago and the funeral is next week. She went NC with me and DM nearly 10 years ago. Around the same time she also went NC with DB, DF, extended family and in-laws, all for quite reasons.

DSis was given a terminal diagnosis and shortly before she died she reached out to DM and they spent time together but not getting past polite chit-chat. She asked to see me and DB and we saw her once but she was too unwell to chat.

I don't have any interest in attending the funeral, while i'm sorry she died in that way while still quite young I don't have any sisterly feelings, tbh I was a lot more upset when my last cat died.

I'm getting a lot of pressure from DM and BIL to attend and its going to be a headache sorting childcare. She did a lot of unpleasant things to me before going NC and the NC was a relief in a way (although I did miss my DNs). She lied repeatedly and made up a lot of unpleasant stories about family members, told me she hoped i'd miscarry again, tried to spoil my wedding, stole my inheritance from grandparents etc (you get the idea).

So WWYD?

YABU - go
YANBU - don't go

OP posts:

Nevergoingbackthere · 23/10/2020 21:18

I went NC with both my mother and sister. My sister could be you. She also thinks I made up unpleasant stories and undoubtedly thinks I'm a horrible person. The truth is that my mother abused me and both her and my sister scapegoated me. They will both go to their graves maintaining I'm awful. This is something which plays out in countless dysfunctional families. Narcissists, abusers and abuse apologists will make out the family member who cut contact with the family (who all pull together) to protect themselves is crazy and a fantasist.

Your sister clearly had her reasons to go NC. Her story might be very different to the one you are portraying. I don't know what the truth is in your scenario. You could be right and she's an unpleasant person or you are the unpleasant one. Or maybe both of you. I know full well I am projecting but basically don't create any further drama and don't go to her funeral if you don't want to. Just leave her be.

Mum2jenny · 23/10/2020 21:21

I voted for you not to go, but it has to be your decision. Go with whatever you feel comfortable with doing on the day, not what you feel is expected of you.

ladybee28 · 23/10/2020 21:28

NC – on either side – is a bereavement, no matter how justified, unjustified, unpleasant or emotionless it feels.

And a funeral is a closing ritual.

Don't go for your family – go for you.

You may well find there's some closure in it for yourself that's unexpected and valuable and you didn't know you needed.

timeforachange33 · 23/10/2020 21:29

I was NC with my sis for 25 years (her choice), she died in her 40's a couple of years ago. I did go for my parents sake but don't think I would have if it wasn't for them, there's was no pressure I just wanted to support them. The funeral actually made me quite angry because of all the nice things that were being said about her that I couldn't understand based on her actions.

I don't regret going but equally I'm not glad that I went. I feel very unemotional and detached from it now.

unmarkedbythat · 23/10/2020 21:31

I would go, I think. It's hard to say without being in that exact situation. Yanbu though, at all, and I think not going is absolutely acceptable and understandable.

CathyorClaire · 23/10/2020 21:31

I didn't go to the funeral of a divorced aunt I wouldn't have recognised in the street earlier this year. DBro did and whined incessantly about 'doing the right thing'. He left me unmoved.

We are NC with MIL. I won't go when the time comes. Dh I don't think has fully decided but I won't be pressuring him either way.

MinnieMountain · 23/10/2020 21:33

You clearly don’t want to go. So don’t.

IdkickJilliansass · 23/10/2020 21:33

Will you even be able to go with the current guest restrictions?

2020iscancelled · 23/10/2020 21:36

You should only go if it’s not going to be to the detriment of your mental health.

Personally in your shoes I would not go, unless it was to support someone else ie parents or siblings. And I’d only do that if it wasn’t going to be a massive trigger for me.

Part of my family are NC and I wouldn’t go to their funeral unless it was to support a close family member at their request. Ultimately you are only responsible for your own well being and if it will stir bad emotions and negativity in your own life then YANBU to stay away

Daphnise · 23/10/2020 21:39

There is no need to go and you don't want to.

So please be clear and firm- do not go.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/10/2020 21:41

@Nevergoingbackthere True there are always 2 sides the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

MissMissICantDoThis · 23/10/2020 21:48

I personally wouldn't go.
I am NC with my sister, she told alot of lies about me to family. My grown up DN's called me to confront me on the accusations and were so angry, I ended the conversation. I havent heard from them in 4 years.
My sister also told my parents the same lies. My dad believed her, my mum tried to stay neutral. Eventually she told one lie too many and my mum caught her out. She put a stop to my dads behaviour but not before it killed any respect or trust I had for him. She didnt confront my sister, only took a step back and refused to be my sisters messenger.

So there are alot of people that believed my sister and no-one fought my corner. People are angry at me and if I were to be confronted, I wouldnt be interested in calling my sister a liar to her children at her own funeral but I also feel I have taken enough abuse. I have spent four years picking up the pieces of my life and I will protect it at all costs.

So I guess it depends on if you think her children will appreciate you being there or not?

D4rwin · 23/10/2020 22:21

Funerals aren't really for the deceased. You can work on your relationships with some people in your life by attending but there might be other ways to do that too.

Nottherealslimshady · 23/10/2020 22:28

Theres only one person I'm effectively NC with, I wouldn't care enough that they'd died to bother going to their funeral.
But you could reconnect with your nieces.

NoSquirrels · 23/10/2020 22:31

The only thing I’d say is crucial, OP, is that you decide definitely and communicate your decision, then stick to it. With the restrictions on numbers for funerals at the moment, it’s really disorienting not being able to plan or offer the space to a different person.

I’d go to support my mother, but if you feel you definitely can’t, be clear and communicate that as soon as possible.

Brighterthansunflowers · 23/10/2020 22:31

I think about this sometimes as I’m NC with my sister

I think I would go (in non covid times at least) because I know my parents would want me to, and my dad would pressure me to. I also don’t know how I’d feel about her actually dying (I know that sounds horrible, I’m sorry) so I think possibly going to the funeral would help me process that? At least I’d never regret not going in the future.

I think you should go if you can, but it’s your choice and I wouldn’t judge you for not going

Coldwinds · 23/10/2020 22:36

OP it takes a massive amount to cut yourself of from your family. The reasons might be just crap reasons because she didn’t want to address the real reasons why she went NC.

She’s your sister. Go

StoneFacedCrone · 23/10/2020 22:41

If you want to support your mother, and she needs you, then go. If this could be an appropriate first step in regaining contact with your nieces.

Otherwise, I'd not go, in your shoes.

If you do go, it would be worth having a think about how you'll react to people's talking of her with love, respect, admiration. How you'll feel during the eulogy. Can you keep schtum?

FWIW, I understand completely about your comparison with the death of your cat. Mine mean a lot more to me than some family members.

weegiemum · 23/10/2020 22:44

I've been nc with my mother for around 15 years.

She now has probably terminal ovarian cancer.

If she chooses to contact me I'll reply

I won't be going to her funeral.

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 23/10/2020 23:07

Op sometimes isn't it the ones left behind that the funeral is for?
Do you love your dm? Maybe just spend a few hours doing this for her... She's lost a daughter...

Original poster

TotallyKerplunked · 23/10/2020 23:46

Thanks everyone, I think i'm going to sleep on it and make a decision tomorrow.

The situation is similar to @MissMissICantDoThis in that my BIL and DNs have been told a LOT of lies, some of which have surfaced in the last few weeks. Yes, there are 2 sides to every story but where there are photographs etc to prove its lies I don't think its right to challenge them on what they have been told while they are upset over DSis death. Maybe i'm a coward. I don't think the relationship with DNs can be recovered after 10 years of hearing this stuff.

To answer a few questions:
My DM is going with my stepDF so she won't be alone, I wouldn't have even questioned going otherwise.
There will be no-one else there other than BIL and DNs (DSis alienated everyone else and had no friends).

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 23/10/2020 23:50

You were requested at bedside and you granted her request, now sadly she is no longer here and will not know if you went to her funeral.

Tbh let someone else go in these days with restricted numbers

Coldwinds · 23/10/2020 23:56

@TotallyKerplunked

Thanks everyone, I think i'm going to sleep on it and make a decision tomorrow.

The situation is similar to @MissMissICantDoThis in that my BIL and DNs have been told a LOT of lies, some of which have surfaced in the last few weeks. Yes, there are 2 sides to every story but where there are photographs etc to prove its lies I don't think its right to challenge them on what they have been told while they are upset over DSis death. Maybe i'm a coward. I don't think the relationship with DNs can be recovered after 10 years of hearing this stuff.

Was it a sexual abuse accusation?

MindfulBear · 23/10/2020 23:57

You go to the funeral for other people, nothing to do with the person who has died and everything to do with supporting / spending time with everyone else that is left behind.

Go for your mum. Go to build relationships with the nieces / nephews.

Best of luck.

SuperFairy · 24/10/2020 00:01

It’s a really tricky situation isn’t it, I’m NC with my brother and I know that if he died before my mum then I’d probably go to support mum but certainly if mum didn’t need my support or he died after her then there is no way that I’d be going. The damage has been done and can’t be undone.

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