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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you are NC/LC with someone would you attend their funeral?

84 replies

TotallyKerplunked · 23/10/2020 18:16

Just that really.

My sister died a little while ago and the funeral is next week. She went NC with me and DM nearly 10 years ago. Around the same time she also went NC with DB, DF, extended family and in-laws, all for quite reasons.

DSis was given a terminal diagnosis and shortly before she died she reached out to DM and they spent time together but not getting past polite chit-chat. She asked to see me and DB and we saw her once but she was too unwell to chat.

I don't have any interest in attending the funeral, while i'm sorry she died in that way while still quite young I don't have any sisterly feelings, tbh I was a lot more upset when my last cat died.

I'm getting a lot of pressure from DM and BIL to attend and its going to be a headache sorting childcare. She did a lot of unpleasant things to me before going NC and the NC was a relief in a way (although I did miss my DNs). She lied repeatedly and made up a lot of unpleasant stories about family members, told me she hoped i'd miscarry again, tried to spoil my wedding, stole my inheritance from grandparents etc (you get the idea).

So WWYD?

YABU - go
YANBU - don't go

OP posts:

IdblowJonSnow · 24/10/2020 00:12

I haven't voted op because I'm on the fence.
What she did sounded awful but I can see that it might provide some closure for you and it might be good to be there for your family and nieces?
But ultimately if it's going to be detrimental to you then that could be a case for not going?

lyralalala · 24/10/2020 00:14

If you want to go then go.

However if you don’t then don’t.

My siblings tried to guilt me into going to our father’s funeral. First because he had changed. Then as support for them.

I knew it would do me a lot of damage so I chose to protect myself and not go.

Original poster

TotallyKerplunked · 24/10/2020 00:21

@Coldwinds sort of, according to BIL when DSis was 6 DM packed her a suitcase and left her with a paedophile for the next 13 years and didn't see her at all in that time. Very upsetting for DM when he was trying to argue this as truth last week. That's just the tip of the iceberg tbh, lots of other lies about lots of other things and other family members and even her in-laws.

DM has considered not going to the funeral as well but feels she has to.

OP posts:

Alldressedup · 24/10/2020 00:22

Do you think there’s a chance you’ll look back in years to come and regret not going? From what you’ve said I don’t think you will and are reconciled with the fact the relationship was over long ago. If you not going won’t cause you any upset or leave anyone else bereft, then no, I wouldn’t go. You reap what you sow sometimes.

Codexdivinchi · 24/10/2020 00:22

Tbh I think the back story really count in this one. The ‘photos’ are really interesting..

What was the reason of her going NC?

I friend of mine has just disclosed sexual abuse and her family have turned on her. I wonder if this is the same?

Byallmeans · 24/10/2020 00:23

I agree it takes a lot for someone to go NC. I suspect their is a huge back backstory to this.

thegcatsmother · 24/10/2020 01:14

It's hard - we have been nc with dh's Mum for 9 years now, and there is no chance of a reconciliation (his brother and his kids are nc with her too). She is now in her mid 80s, not that healthy, and I have tried to get dh to think about what he will do when she does die.

Original poster

TotallyKerplunked · 24/10/2020 01:18

The allegation above, which has only come out since she died - our parents separated when she was 9, she chose to live with DF, contact with DM was sporadic for a few years but consistent from early teens - lots of photos of us all together and court evidence of contact - no dropping off for 13 years at 6yrs old with a paedo?!?! She may have been abused at some point, I don't know but the outlandish lies she told about everything obscured any grains of truth there might be.

We tried to make contact every year at her birthday and it was always thrown back at us. We sent presents for DNs. She may have had other reasons for going NC with everyone in her life other than the silly, seemingly spiteful ones I'm aware of but we didn't turn on her, she went NC with us.

OP posts:

Coldwinds · 24/10/2020 01:25

She may have been abused you don’t know?

Oh I bet your mother does...

People who have been abused rarely lie. You should be ashamed of yourself speaking about your sister like that. Maybe she went NC because she knew what you were all like.

Lepetitpiggy · 24/10/2020 01:27

On the other side of the fence, my sister cut all contact with me and our mother a long time ago. She had her reasons but I personally don't think they were valid. Mum was very poorly for a long time and I spent a lot of my time doing everything (which I 100% don't regret) Mum then had a devasting stroke and was hospitalised and then in a care him until she died 4 months later, never being herself again. My sister visited her about three times, refused to speak to me and yet made a huge fuss when I told the staff that I really didn't want her phoning to complain about mum's treatment (which was excellent) or even visiting.
I meanwhile, was clearing mum's flat, organising the inevitable funeral and being with her daily.
Has she turned up at the funeral, I would have been furious. Luckily she must have known that,.as sent a pathetically faux sad message about not making a terrible day worse in these sad times. I will never speak to her again but she chose that route. Funnily enough, despite telling me she hated our mother, she asked the inheritance cheque pretty sharpish.

Lepetitpiggy · 24/10/2020 01:28

*cashed

Original poster

TotallyKerplunked · 24/10/2020 01:43

Wow, just wow @Coldwinds

I don't know if any of that is true, she never spoke to me about it in the 31 years we were close. It's the embellishments that make it difficult to work out what was going on.

I loved my sister, we were close, she knew I'd been abused but never talked about it happening to herself. I was bereft when she went NC (because I was pregnant), we had our difficulties but I was desperate to keep hold of that relationship despite everything, like I said in my initial OP she claimed the whole of my GPs estate as the sole grandchild, I let 80k go because I loved her. I'm not a heartless cow.

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock · 24/10/2020 02:03

@TotallyKerplunked Your reasons are valid. It does sound like your Dsis had some sort of MH disorder with those allegations, it is hard to stick by someone who verbally lashes out with hurtful lies.
It is a lot for your DM to take. I think it would be good for both of you to go try let all the lies end there.

Newmumatlast · 24/10/2020 02:28

I wouldn't go even for the family's sake as I would feel like a hypocrite to be absolutely honest. I don't really see either what true comfort it would bring to the family having someone there who the deceased wasn't on speaking terms with until really recently

FoxInABox · 24/10/2020 05:16

I’m NC with my brother for 20 plus years now. I wouldn’t attend his funeral, if by any chance I even heard that he had passed.

That being said, if it would help you to rebuild a relationship with your DN then I would consider going.

Deereamer · 24/10/2020 05:30

I was NC with my grandma for a couple of years before she died. I didn’t go to her funeral and I don’t have any regrets so personally I would say dont go if you don’t want to.

I do wonder sometimes if my grandma had any regrets? She had 3 grandchildren and all were NC at one point. Only one went to see her at the end.

custardbear · 24/10/2020 05:36

My step dad died this summer and the funeral was online so a bit easier for me to attend. I hadn't spoken to hI'm since my mum died 8 years ago but I'd spend a few of my teen years living in the same house as him, and he'd been part of my life, albeit mainly through my mum, for 35 years. I went for his kids really and as a mark of respect. I'm glad I did, it meant a lot to them and it gave me some closure too

Wishingstarr · 24/10/2020 05:49

Go for closure.

ladyamy · 24/10/2020 06:03

@EmeraldShamrock

Just don't mention the comparison with the death of your cat to anyone there.

Agreed.

Darker · 24/10/2020 06:35

Totally it sounds like there is a hell of a lot to unwrap for you to be at peace with your family, if you ever could be. It sounds like both you and your sister were abused.

I’m NC with my brother. Our parents are dead. If he dies first I will probably not attend his funeral. If I die first I don’t want him at mine. He wants contact with me but any contact we’ve had over the past decade has been disastrous so I’m comfortable with my choice. So I completely get that people can choose to be NC with people they find it impossible to have a relationship with.

I believe that there was abuse in our family a generation or so back. Someone confided in me and the information has been corroborated, but I’ll never really know the truth. I have never spoken about this to my brother - our relationship was never anywhere close enough to have that kind of conversation. I would bet that his take on it would be very different from mine.

Whether you go or not is your choice but one thought I have for you is that it sounds like you are both victims here, and there have been some very difficult events for you both to navigate. Some bad choices have been made and people have been hurt. The thing with the grandparents legacy sounds pretty bad. Ditto the lies. It’s very hard to forgive once such damage has been done. A relationship between you may have always been impossible in the circumstances you grew up in.

If you go it may help to move some of this into the past for you, and allow some healing to start. Rituals like funerals can be helpful. But if you go, go for you.

Charleyhorses · 24/10/2020 08:03

Go.
Then you can put a full stop.
I know there is no doubt a complex back story but I would go.

Codexdivinchi · 24/10/2020 08:26

My mother has two sisters. They had a terrible time growing up.

My mother and aunt A are insistent that all over them were abused by their fosterer.

Aunt B utterly rejects this but says it was their actual father that abused them not the fosterer

They haven’t spoken for 30 years. None of them actually discussed it with each other until one of them was taken in to mental health ward after a breakdown.

You may never know the truth but it’s very likely she was abused.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 24/10/2020 11:07

Go. I had to go to my fil funeral in June. And had to sit and listen to people from his church say how nice he was. He was a bully and abusive to my mil. Horrible man.

Did you mean to say don’t go, @nettytree? Because those all sound like reasons NOT to go. Or are you saying that if you can put up with it, the OP can too? Because I don’t think that’s a great argument.

I’d also take issue with some of the ‘funerals are for the living, not the dead’ comments. Whilst obviously the dead can’t know who is or isn’t there, the idea of them being ‘for the living’ is so that the living can grieve, and hopefully celebrate the life. If you neither grieve the loss or celebrate the life, why go?

NoSquirrels · 24/10/2020 11:28

Can’t speak for others who said the same, but my post that ‘funerals are for the living not the dead’ was to point out that OP’s mother wanted her there - therefore the point of attending would be to support her grieving mother, not anything to do with her own feelings about her sister.

MaosChaos · 24/10/2020 11:30

Go for her children.
Go to support for your mother.

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