If you are NC/LC with someone would you attend their funeral?

[TotallyKerplunked]

Just that really.

My sister died a little while ago and the funeral is next week. She went NC with me and DM nearly 10 years ago. Around the same time she also went NC with DB, DF, extended family and in-laws, all for quite reasons.

DSis was given a terminal diagnosis and shortly before she died she reached out to DM and they spent time together but not getting past polite chit-chat. She asked to see me and DB and we saw her once but she was too unwell to chat.

I don't have any interest in attending the funeral, while i'm sorry she died in that way while still quite young I don't have any sisterly feelings, tbh I was a lot more upset when my last cat died.

I'm getting a lot of pressure from DM and BIL to attend and its going to be a headache sorting childcare. She did a lot of unpleasant things to me before going NC and the NC was a relief in a way (although I did miss my DNs). She lied repeatedly and made up a lot of unpleasant stories about family members, told me she hoped i'd miscarry again, tried to spoil my wedding, stole my inheritance from grandparents etc (you get the idea).

So WWYD?

YABU - go
YANBU - don't go

But is it really about support, or a sense of obligation?

OP, I had a really similar situation to you. My DSis was diagnosed with a terminal illness 10 yrs before she died. 5 years before she died she went NC with the rest of the family. We only saw her 3 yrs later at our DF’s funeral.

We found out she’d died AFTER her funeral as a notice had been put in the local paper saying her funeral had happened. We think she’d planned for us to know she’d died but in a way so we couldn’t attend her funeral. The thing is she had been such a toxic force for so long that none of her family would have attended had we even known.

I wish things had been different for her sake but to not have her in my life alleviated so much stress and unhappiness. I didn’t mourn her at all and nothing would have been achieved by attending her funeral.

I’d go for your mum. I’ve been in a similar
Situation and I went and don’t regret it.

@StillCoughingandLaughing

But is it really about support, or a sense of obligation?

Does it matter?

You can feel obliged to do something in support of someone else. If her mum finds it supportive then it will be worth it.

That would be my calculation but others may feel differently.

I would go . I think you are more likely to regret if you don't go than if you do .

Life is too short. You sound just as petty as she was. A life has been extinguished. Your sister has gone. You should go for the child she once was, before she became an adult with issues.

I would go, if another member of my family wanted me to. I had similar feelings when my uncle died - I didn’t know him, he wasn’t a pleasant man (although it was nearly five years after his death i found out he abused his youngest daughter ) but I would have gone to support my dad. Dad said no, so I didn’t go.

How are you feeling today, TotallyKerplunked?

I imagine this is dredging up a lot of difficult stuff for you and your family.

My great Aunty fell out with me 6 years ago. She a narcissist and the rest of the family are scared of her or standing up to her. I am not and basically said what I thought, like she does to everyone else but the hypocrite didn’t like it!

I wouldn’t attend her funeral because she told me never to contact her again.