Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and porn need advice

93 replies

FrustratedWife86 · 20/10/2020 17:38

Regular user but name changed for this. I know this subject pops up far too frequently on mumsnet and I suspect there will be a few eye rolls at the title but here goes......Just to start i am not anti porn per se and I believe masturbation is healthy but I need advice on whether I'm blowing this out of proportion or not before I speak with DH.... So I've always known DH uses the odd bit of porn which in itself was fine as it never really impacted our sex life. I found that he had been using chaturbate once and wasn't a bit happy as there was the potential to interact. He swore he never had an account that he just liked it as "it was real people" which added to the "thrill" of it. To be fair I did believe him as I honestly don't think it's something he would spend money on nevertheless asked him not to use that site again as it made me uncomfortable. He promised he wouldn't. Six weeks ago we had our first DD and due to her having colic we haven't been getting much sleep and essentially have been taking it in turns to nap during the day. I've noticed that DH has been 'seeing to himself' nearly every day (i do the laundry!). Didn't say anything as it's not really my business and I don't want to make him feel embarrassed/ashamed. The issue is its getting to the point where I'm getting turned down fairly frequently as he's already done a bit of DIY that day even though I've made it clear I'm up for a bit of fun. This had really started to play on my mind to the point it's started to affect my self esteem and confidence. Today I tried it on again to be knocked back. When I went to load up the tablet later I saw he had been on chaturbate earlier today (which is obviously why he turned down oral sex from me). Aibu to be really hurt and pissed off or is this just something I need to get over? Any mens opinions would be greatly appreciated too

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/10/2020 17:40

Speak to him about it frankly, he shouldn't be prioritising porn over sex with you
I wouldn't be happy about the chaturbate thing either

Scweltish · 20/10/2020 17:41

Ok, my oh watches porn and masturbates every day. He’s NEVER turned me down in 15 years though. I’d be raging if I were you. I’m not even sure what that site is? Is he actually talking to people?

carbhunter · 20/10/2020 17:47

Erm, can you elaborate on how you know he's been masturbating by doing his washing Shock?
Not sure I want to know the answer really, but I wouldn't be doing his washing anymore!

TheVanguardSix · 20/10/2020 17:55

It's a deal-breaker when you're being rejected because a webcam girl's helping him get the job done. If he can't come back from that, your relationship is going to be in a terrible place. You need to tell him this. He must, must, must prioritise your relationship.
I am very, very much against porn. That said, I understand that people can have healthy, loving relationships even if porn is a background pleasure for one or both in the relationship. Once porn has knocked your sex life out of balance and rejection becomes common-place, talks need to happen. And your husband MUST promise to make every effort to put your relationship above his bad habit. He must change. The porn must always remain in the background. It should not become his exclusive outlet. You will lose your connection as a couple on so many levels. Talk to him, OP. Good luck. Flowers

Skysblue · 20/10/2020 17:55

That’s really sad and unhealthy. I’m not anti-porn per se, but turning down a real woman in favour of a computer is yuk, and, quite separately, he is keeping you sexually frustrated out of sheer laziness. He needs to stop.

TheVanguardSix · 20/10/2020 17:56

And when I say bad habit, I mean his habit of choosing porn over you all the time- not the porn itself. It does not have to become a bad habit.

N0tthe0nlyfruit · 20/10/2020 17:56

A man turning down oral sex is a huge red flag. He's getting his kicks differently and I'd be quite concerned OP.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 20/10/2020 17:57

Sorry he wanks on the sheets and expects you to clean it up?? Or leaves tissues around for you to clean or what? Quite apart from anything else, how disrespectful and gross.

MonkeySnake · 20/10/2020 17:57

Many men masturbate for stress release or as a bit of a stimulant if they're tired. Having an orgasm with minimal effort may help him stay alert on minimal sleep, on the other hand, having sex will tire him out because it's more physically demanding.
That would be my guess. Get to him early in the morning if you want to have a chance and wait until you're both getting more sleep and he's back to normal. It's unlikely to be anything untoward or permanent (despite what some people on here will try to tell you).

Moomin12345 · 20/10/2020 18:00

Stop doing his laundry and tell him this isn't good enough. There may still be time to draw a line to prevent him having an affair for the extra thrill of it. Don't be a pushover.

Original poster
FrustratedWife86 · 20/10/2020 19:22

Thank you everyone for the advice. Just not really sure how to actually have the conversation with him. When I found him on chaturbate before he turned it all around on me and got annoyed at me for snooping (which admittedly I shouldn't have done), but today it was just left on the tablets "tabs". I don't think he is interacting but it bothers me that he is on this site again after promising me he wouldn't. It makes me wonder how often he uses it as it was purely by chance I stumbled upon it. As aforementioned I'm not anti porn but webcams seem a step too far as there is always the potential to interact. I know he may be seeing to himself more to relieve stress but I am feeling quite neglected and unwanted. I get that masturbation is sometimes quicker and easier than full on sex, but since DD has been born our sex life basically comprises of me giving him oral, so I don't understand how seeing to himself is any less "strenuous" than receiving oral sex.

OP posts:
MonkeySnake · 20/10/2020 19:26

I think six weeks is very fast to expect either of you to get back into any routine with sex - you shouldn't even be having vaginal sex. I'd just give it a few weeks (at least!!) and see if things settle at all.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2020 19:30

When daily porn usage and masturbation takes over from actual sex with your wife, there's a big problem. Him using chaturbate is another big problem. That's definitely crossing a line imo.

TheVanguardSix · 20/10/2020 19:37

I'd completely ignored what monkeysnake had mentioned and that is you're 6 weeks post-partum. So in his own way, maybe he's giving you the respite you need. However, chaturbate is a step way too far. And also, I can imagine that you feel pressured to reboot your sex life but not out of pleasure, more out of desperation. I know this feeling. I've been there. I hated that feeling of nursing a newborn while DH was wanking to porn. It was unbearable for me, personally. Some people wouldn't bat an eye. But I was upset by it. I won't go into detail or make this about me. But I can completely sympathize with how you're feeling. You don't have a duty to fulfill your husband's needs. But he does have an obligation to respect your wishes and if wanking to chaturbate is a step to far (and it really is), he needs to know this.
How do you talk to him? Well, by the time we're bringing children into the world with these guys called husbands, nothing else should be daunting. Just say it. Just tell him what's on your mind.

raspberryk · 20/10/2020 19:37

@MonkeySnake don’t talk bollocks, of course you can resume sex before 6 weeks!

OP I’m sorry but you need a very frank discussion with your DH it is completely unacceptable, although he will probably just do it behind your back anyway and seems like he has been all along.

MonkeySnake · 20/10/2020 19:43

[quote raspberryk]@MonkeySnake don’t talk bollocks, of course you can resume sex before 6 weeks!

OP I’m sorry but you need a very frank discussion with your DH it is completely unacceptable, although he will probably just do it behind your back anyway and seems like he has been all along.[/quote]
You can do whatever you like with your body but you're risking infection and could get very unwell. Midwives and doctors are very clear you should wait at least six weeks after giving birth to have vaginal sex. I thought that was common knowledge?

Original poster
FrustratedWife86 · 20/10/2020 20:01

@raspberryk yes we definitely need to have an open conversation or the resentment will build up. I'm also worried about escalating and him becoming dependant on porn as DH does have an addictive personality (but that's a whole other thread)
@MonkeySnake we haven't had vaginal sex since DD was born so have just been doing "other things" instead. I hope you're right that things will improve with time
@Aquamarine1029 I don't feel that it's normal to replace real life intimacy with porn either. Personally I'd much rather be intimate with my DH than see to myself which is why I'm struggling with all of this but maybe it's just a "man thing".
@ThevanguardSix I'm sorry you've experienced the same thing. It really knocks your confidence doesn't it. I feel the chaturbate is a step too far but when I spoke with him about it a couple of years ago he genuinely didn't seem to understand how it was different to "normal" porn as he was only watching rather than interacting.

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 20/10/2020 20:07

Sex and masturbation are so different, sometimes I dont want sex or I'm too tired for it but I'd masturbate.
I dont know about the specific porn site, we have an agreement that live "face to face" type porn would be cheating for us and unacceptable but I dont see the difference between watching someone masturbate in their own bedroom to watching someone masturbate at a studio.

I think you need to talk to eachother. I can imagine a woman on here saying my husband is pissed off that I dont want to have sex with him but says I'm masturbating too much.

Oysterbabe · 20/10/2020 20:13

So is he just wanking onto the sheets?

Regularsizedrudy · 20/10/2020 20:27

I've noticed that DH has been 'seeing to himself' nearly every day (i do the laundry!).

...I’m sorry WHAT? Is he wanking into a sock?? Also why are you doing a grown mans laundry.

That aside he is being a twat. He agreed he wouldn’t use that site and he broke that agreement.

Original poster
FrustratedWife86 · 20/10/2020 20:50

@Nottherealslimshady You do have a good point about there being no real difference in watching someone in their bedroom as opposed to a studio, but the issue is more that there is a potential to interact with webcam models. Do you mind me asking how sex and masturbation are different for you? Not trying to be obtuse but I guess I've always seen them as similar (although I know for many they are very different). It would be nice to get a males perspective (assuming you are male although i could be wrong!)

OP posts:
HelpOrHindrance · 20/10/2020 20:52

Found my boyfriend was using porn nearly every day, but turning me down. Killed it in the end.

Original poster
FrustratedWife86 · 20/10/2020 20:56

@oysterbabe and @Regularsizedrudy no not the sheets (well not that I've noticed!) Various items of (his) clothes. To be honest I don't think he really thinks about me doing the laundry. He was single for years before meeting me so I suspect it's just habit. I'm sure if I spoke to him about it he would try and be more discreet but I've never made a thing about it before so not to embarrass him

OP posts:
raspberryk · 20/10/2020 21:02

@MonkeySnake I don't know what year or country your advice was given in but it certainly isn't recent UK advice.

PepsiLola · 20/10/2020 21:05

@MonkeySnake it really depends on the damage done/recovery time.

I was never told wait 6 weeks, we were intimate together when the time felt right.