Husband and porn need advice

[FrustratedWife86]

Regular user but name changed for this. I know this subject pops up far too frequently on mumsnet and I suspect there will be a few eye rolls at the title but here goes......Just to start i am not anti porn per se and I believe masturbation is healthy but I need advice on whether I'm blowing this out of proportion or not before I speak with DH.... So I've always known DH uses the odd bit of porn which in itself was fine as it never really impacted our sex life. I found that he had been using chaturbate once and wasn't a bit happy as there was the potential to interact. He swore he never had an account that he just liked it as "it was real people" which added to the "thrill" of it. To be fair I did believe him as I honestly don't think it's something he would spend money on nevertheless asked him not to use that site again as it made me uncomfortable. He promised he wouldn't. Six weeks ago we had our first DD and due to her having colic we haven't been getting much sleep and essentially have been taking it in turns to nap during the day. I've noticed that DH has been 'seeing to himself' nearly every day (i do the laundry!). Didn't say anything as it's not really my business and I don't want to make him feel embarrassed/ashamed. The issue is its getting to the point where I'm getting turned down fairly frequently as he's already done a bit of DIY that day even though I've made it clear I'm up for a bit of fun. This had really started to play on my mind to the point it's started to affect my self esteem and confidence. Today I tried it on again to be knocked back. When I went to load up the tablet later I saw he had been on chaturbate earlier today (which is obviously why he turned down oral sex from me). Aibu to be really hurt and pissed off or is this just something I need to get over? Any mens opinions would be greatly appreciated too

What you describe about 'he turned it back on you' when you brought it up is classic behaviour I am afraid. He feels shame so rather than accept, admit and then have to change its easier to use 'attack as a form of offence'. But now you know that tactic it will be easier to stay calm and stick to the facts/issue that you want to discuss.

Secondly, the way the brain is wired, porn use released endorphins and you need more and more of it to get the same high (just like any addictive behaviour) and so it sounds like he is already 'needing' the high.

He might be a nice guy but at the moment he is lying, deceiving, rejecting and cheating on you essentially with another woman even if there is a screen separating them.

I have found the Betrayal Trauma Recovery podcast really helpful in helping me to sort out my boundaries in regard to this.

'attack as a form of defense'

OP, you need to get some self respect asap. You're so scared of saying something that might upset your husband's porn habit that you fail to have noticed you've got a six week old child with someone who has the maturity of a 14 year old.

Let's get onto the real stuff. Are nappy changes split down the middle? How do nights work? How do you divide cleaning? What does your mental load split look like?

@CSIblonde I suppose part of it could be lack of sleep. I completely get how being tired could put him off sex and he'd rather masturbate than full on DTD, but he doesn't need to put it any effort for oral so I think that's why it feels hurtful to me iyswim.
@MarriedtoDaveGrohl if he is "only" watching as opposed to chatting then I personally don't see it as cheating however if he has been interacting then it's a deal breaker. I still feel it's a betrayal him being on the site though as he promised me a couple of years ago that he wouldn't go on it again.
@Regularsizedrudy I really don't know how to have the conversation to be honest. It's only in the past two weeks or so things have been like this so I suspect a lot of it is stress related. I'm in no way defending him but on the whole he treats me very good. I do think he'd be upset if he knew how sad it's making me but he would also see it as me being "dramatic". When i spoke with him the last time he was genuinely baffled as to why I was annoyed at him being on chaturbate as he didn't see how it differed to regular porn.

Off topic but if your baby continues to have colic then do consider cow's milk allergy (I wish someone had suggested this to me earlier than I realised with mine)

If it's no different to regular porn why does he do it? It doesn't make sense. But he told you it was different, more real. Real women he said. Do which is it? It's more real aka the almost cheating or it's not in which case why bother? He just wants to do what he wants to do.

I think you should make him go to therapy with you. I had therapy a few years ago and my make counsellor saw a lot of men with porn addictions. It's endemic. He needs someone professional to explain this to him and you need to be heard. By him. Not gaslit.

You won't of course. It will drag on getting worse and worse and you will feel more and more worthless. What sex you have will be tainted and will dwindle and once it does he will see it as justification to go further.

You'll be back in a few years with your self esteem in tatters having lost another few years of your life. He's a sleaze. That's pretty much the beginning and end of it.

He's being disgustingly disrespectful to you OP (and no matter what your general view of porn, I'd be v concerned that at least a proportion of the girls/women on the other end of the webcam aren't there voluntarily).

All with a very new baby in the house.

He needs to have a word with himself. Absolute cock.

(Don't get me started about the evidence trail)

It's hard to be strong when you've just had a baby and when your self-esteem is taking a battering, but this is really not OK OP.

I have no problem with porn but would consider chat sites as cheating. Dont know about the site tho. When my ex and I split he only watched porn but wouldn't touch me. Really does make you feel shit I'm sorry.

What a shame he is making you deal with this shit rather than just being able to enjoy your new baby.
Stop doing his washing and offering him blow jobs.
He sounds like a waste of space.

@myohmywhatawonderfulday thank you for the advice. Yes I definitely agree about attack being the best form of defence. I suppose it's easier to deflect than accept responsibility sometimes. I'm guessing you've been in a similar situation? It sucks doesn't it? Really am surprised how many women on MN have experienced this issue with their partners

At 6 weeks you really shouldn't be having to deal with this shit. It's pretty gross. What is he like as a father, what is the split?

Thank you for everyone's advice. Just an update, we had a chat and I told him how I felt about being rejected (I didn't mention the chaturbate as I'm trying to pick my battles but I mentioned increased usage of porn in general). He said he would make more of an effort and last night he initiated intimacy (score!). But today I left him with DD for a while when I went out for a bit. Looked (ok snooped) on the tablet tonight and saw he was watching porn whilst i was out. Im furious.

This isn't normal, not surprised your furious, he has a real problem and inability to stop.

I'm disgusted. I need to be 100% sure of the time before I confront him although I'm nearly positive it was when I was out. Basically his phone and laptop sync to the tablet (which I have upstairs). Afaik he doesn't realise it syncs. On the tablet the most recent searches come up in Google but there's no way to actually look at the time (I would need to check the history on the laptop/phone for the time). But before I went out I was using the tablet and the porn site wasn't there then, it only showed up this evening.

Quick question before I make a scene speak with him. When i returned today he said DD was sleeping most of the time. If he was watching porn whilst babysitting is it any worse than parents having sex when the baby is sleeping in the bedroom? Obviously it's still gross but I'm wondering if I'm overreacting

He won't change, he is just hiding it from you now. I'm sorry OP he has no respect for you or your daughter. He watched porn while he was supposed to take care of her? He is worthless.

I hate to say it but a lot of men watch porn pretty much the second their partner walks out the door. And if they are this type they do NOT stop. It's a compulsion for him he can't stop and he doesn't want to.

But that's one thing - they need more and more extreme. In his case he needs more real. A lot of porn stars are on platforms like only fans and this because they make a fortune from mugs like him. It's almost as good as having sex for the punters. Real women talking to you and doing what you ask them to. It's like having a really porny long distance fling.

That what you want? Oh and don't ask him about it. He will lie and hide it better and then all you will do is play cat and mouse. You need to find out what he's actually up to. But he's a big porn fan that's for sure. I would not want this personally.

I don’t think you can be policing his porn use and snooping on him like that. The issue isn’t that he watches porn. It’s that he uses an interactive porn site which he promised not to use.. but for some reason you still won’t talk to him about this??? You’re not picking your battles you are avoiding the issue.