Husband and porn need advice

[FrustratedWife86]

Regular user but name changed for this. I know this subject pops up far too frequently on mumsnet and I suspect there will be a few eye rolls at the title but here goes......Just to start i am not anti porn per se and I believe masturbation is healthy but I need advice on whether I'm blowing this out of proportion or not before I speak with DH.... So I've always known DH uses the odd bit of porn which in itself was fine as it never really impacted our sex life. I found that he had been using chaturbate once and wasn't a bit happy as there was the potential to interact. He swore he never had an account that he just liked it as "it was real people" which added to the "thrill" of it. To be fair I did believe him as I honestly don't think it's something he would spend money on nevertheless asked him not to use that site again as it made me uncomfortable. He promised he wouldn't. Six weeks ago we had our first DD and due to her having colic we haven't been getting much sleep and essentially have been taking it in turns to nap during the day. I've noticed that DH has been 'seeing to himself' nearly every day (i do the laundry!). Didn't say anything as it's not really my business and I don't want to make him feel embarrassed/ashamed. The issue is its getting to the point where I'm getting turned down fairly frequently as he's already done a bit of DIY that day even though I've made it clear I'm up for a bit of fun. This had really started to play on my mind to the point it's started to affect my self esteem and confidence. Today I tried it on again to be knocked back. When I went to load up the tablet later I saw he had been on chaturbate earlier today (which is obviously why he turned down oral sex from me). Aibu to be really hurt and pissed off or is this just something I need to get over? Any mens opinions would be greatly appreciated too

@HelpOrHindrance sorry to hear that about your boyfriend.What did he say when you spoke to him about it?

Yeah you need to speak to him. He's out of order as he promised he wouldn't go back on to the site!

Op, I would definitely confront him. I am not against porn/masturbation like you, but chat stuff crosses a line for me too.

At the end of the day, you have told him your limits and what you don't agree with. He has gone against it, which I would consider deceit.

I think a big issue as well is that he promised he wouldn't use chaturbate. He made a promise that he needs to truly stick to. It is completely out of order that he reneged on his word and has continued doing something that he knows hurts you and he's rejected intimacy with you, choosing porn instead. What more does he need to know in order to get it? It's just lousy behaviour and it shows a huge lack of respect for your feelings.

I’m still really confused about how you know he’s wanking everyday from the laundry? Stains on what? Grown ups don’t cum on their clothes habitually I’m so confused.
Why are you doing his cum stained washing? Don’t you think that’s really disrespectful of him? Why can’t you have a conversation about that? Why is saving his embarrassment important to you when the fact you are uncomfortable with him on that porn chat website clearly doesn’t bother him. It sounds like a really unbalanced relationship.

@Regularsizedrudy surely if you picked up a tee off the bedroom floor that he's spunked on, it'd be pretty obvious?

Not like she needs to route through his things and invade his privacy. If he was that concerned, he'd do his own laundry

@PepsiLola but why is he cumming on a T-shirt!??!!! Who does this beyond the age of 14??

Be warmed excessive porn usage completely destroyed my 20 year relationship.

And yes he absolutely should do his own laundry that’s what I’m saying

He swore he never had an account that he just liked it as "it was real people" which added to the "thrill" of it.

But that's an issue surely? Everyone in porn is a "real" person, but he likes to see someone perform live and on demand. Gross.

He uses chaturbate's live cam sessions to get off, wanks into clothing, leaves it for you to clean up and turns you down for sex...

Pretty vile, no?

@regularsizedrudy I don't think grown men cleaning themselves (or their partner!) up with whatever they have to hand and then shoving it in the washing is particularly unusual

Your sex life consists of you giving him oral ? You had a baby six weeks ago, he’s watching porn, cumming over everything and you are doing all the washing ??? He sounds delightful.

@Justgorgeous

Your sex life consists of you giving him oral ? You had a baby six weeks ago, he’s watching porn, cumming over everything and you are doing all the washing ??? He sounds delightful.

This!!

I don’t know how you even want to give him oral he sounds vile.

Cumming all over his clothes and your there picking them up and washing them to the extent you know he is doing it daily? You have a 6 week old baby and your washing his cummy clothes. Na.

Urgh why can't he wank in to a tissue? That's revolting to leave his cum stained clothes for you to wash.

He should have the decency at least to wash his cum stained whatever, how disrespectful to you.

@FrustratedWife86 I'm female but ill try and explain my feelings of both.
Think of sex as like making a beautiful three course meal with your favourite person. And masturbation as chucking a frozen pizza in the oven. The end result is the same, a basic need is satisfied. But the experience is entirely different, one was far more enjoyable but took miles more effort. As much as you'd think, well surely you'd rather have the nicer meal every time. Sometimes you just cant be bothered to cook it, and do it well enough that your partner enjoys it. And sometimes you do just fancy a quick pizza over a fancy dinner.
But I think the real problem is that you dont know why he's choosing that, and he probably doesn't know that you're feeling rejected and that you do want sex.

[quote Nottherealslimshady]@FrustratedWife86 I'm female but ill try and explain my feelings of both.
Think of sex as like making a beautiful three course meal with your favourite person. And masturbation as chucking a frozen pizza in the oven. The end result is the same, a basic need is satisfied. But the experience is entirely different, one was far more enjoyable but took miles more effort. As much as you'd think, well surely you'd rather have the nicer meal every time. Sometimes you just cant be bothered to cook it, and do it well enough that your partner enjoys it. And sometimes you do just fancy a quick pizza over a fancy dinner.
But I think the real problem is that you dont know why he's choosing that, and he probably doesn't know that you're feeling rejected and that you do want sex.[/quote]
To extend this analogy - I think leaving all the packaging and a dirty microwave for your partner to clean up every time you have pizza - leaving it all and not mentioning it or acknowledging you should clean it up yourself - would be disrespectful too.

@mswales well maybe I’m in the minority but my husband cleans up with tissue and not random items of clothing and he does his own washing. Leaving spunk on stuff for your partner to find is fucking grim.

@newnameforthis123 yes second that! DH would find a pillowcase full of spunky socks if he did that! No grown man should be using his socks for that or leaving it for his wife to clean up. Definitely needs a word about that. But then he's probably always done it, and his mum and dads probably not said anything and now his wife hasn't so maybe he doesn't know that everyone knows he's doing it and that its gross.

You have a 6 week old baby, and he’s wanking daily to a chat porn site he promised not to use, having you picking up his giz soaked clothes and washing them, asking to give him blow jobs that he rejects and feeling frustrated because he can’t be arsed to have any sexual intimacy with you that gives you pleasure?

Is he an actual prince???

@regularsizedrudy oh yes it's definitely grim! Just in my experience it's not that uncommon. I don't know many people that have boxes of tissues in their bedroom, and I don't, maybe that's the problem. At least wiping up with cloths/hankies/clothes that already needed a wash is environmentally friendly! But yes 100% grim :)

[quote mswales]@regularsizedrudy oh yes it's definitely grim! Just in my experience it's not that uncommon. I don't know many people that have boxes of tissues in their bedroom, and I don't, maybe that's the problem. At least wiping up with cloths/hankies/clothes that already needed a wash is environmentally friendly! But yes 100% grim :)[/quote]
He can use whatever he likes to clean up, but leaving it for his partner to do is so disrespectful and fucking grim. Total lack of respect for her.

Thank you everyone for the advice, apologies for not replying sooner. Thank you especially to @Nottherealslimshady for the pizza/three course meal analogy. It has helped me understand why people sometimes prefer DIY to intimacy sometimes. Although a part of me still thinks he much prefers porn to me as
receiving oral is less strenuous than sex plus as the focus is on him he doesn't really need to worry about my pleasure (we're not having sex at the minute as haven't had six week check up plus I'm not on any contraception yet). I agree with posters commenting on the dirty laundry but I guess it's something he's always done and I don't think he realises that I know. It's never really bothered me in the past (especially as we've used boxers etc to clean up after sex) so it would be a bit hypocritical of me to be annoyed at him for doing the same! (Although I do agree he should be more discreet). I definitely need to speak to him about the lack of intimacy but I'm not sure how to approach the chaturbate issue. When i spoke about it before he became extremely defensive which is his go to mechanism when he's embarrassed. When I saw he was using it before there was no evidence in the history that he was interacting and a part of me is wondering is it "much worse" to go on webcam sites if there is genuinely no interaction taking place? Just to make it clear I am not defending him and if I do find out he's been interacting it would be a deal breaker, but if he's "only" looking then I do wonder if I'm overreacting? I suspect he sees no difference in watching webcams than watching regular porn. He genuinely didn't seem to understand why it was an issue when I brought it up a couple of years ago.