Husband and porn need advice

[FrustratedWife86]

Regular user but name changed for this. I know this subject pops up far too frequently on mumsnet and I suspect there will be a few eye rolls at the title but here goes......Just to start i am not anti porn per se and I believe masturbation is healthy but I need advice on whether I'm blowing this out of proportion or not before I speak with DH.... So I've always known DH uses the odd bit of porn which in itself was fine as it never really impacted our sex life. I found that he had been using chaturbate once and wasn't a bit happy as there was the potential to interact. He swore he never had an account that he just liked it as "it was real people" which added to the "thrill" of it. To be fair I did believe him as I honestly don't think it's something he would spend money on nevertheless asked him not to use that site again as it made me uncomfortable. He promised he wouldn't. Six weeks ago we had our first DD and due to her having colic we haven't been getting much sleep and essentially have been taking it in turns to nap during the day. I've noticed that DH has been 'seeing to himself' nearly every day (i do the laundry!). Didn't say anything as it's not really my business and I don't want to make him feel embarrassed/ashamed. The issue is its getting to the point where I'm getting turned down fairly frequently as he's already done a bit of DIY that day even though I've made it clear I'm up for a bit of fun. This had really started to play on my mind to the point it's started to affect my self esteem and confidence. Today I tried it on again to be knocked back. When I went to load up the tablet later I saw he had been on chaturbate earlier today (which is obviously why he turned down oral sex from me). Aibu to be really hurt and pissed off or is this just something I need to get over? Any mens opinions would be greatly appreciated too

YANBU

Thank you @eatsleepread (love the username by the way!) I'm just conscious that I may be perceived as "that wife" that polices her husbands masturbation/fantasies but that's not my intention. I really don't know whether webcams are acceptable providing no interaction is taking place.

He swore he never had an account that he just liked it as "it was real people" which added to the "thrill" of it.

This has more red flags than a semaphore convention. This man is a porn addict, he’s prioritising wanking and cam girls over physical intimacy, even being serviced by his partner who’s just had a baby and is still willing to satisfy him with nothing in return. He’s so blasé about it that he’s leaving stained clothes around on a daily basis for you to clean, 6 weeks
He has a problem OP.

Thanks for the reply @deathgrip - do you mind me asking do you have personal experience on the subject? (Just curious about the username). To be honest I have worried about the possibility of addiction. I dont think i could call it a dependency at the minute, but I know it's something that can get out of hand (excuse the pun). I've only noticed the increased porn usage the past few weeks though so I hope it's mostly stress related and something that can be reined in. Prior to birth of DD he maybe would have used it twice a week or so and very rarely turned me down so it was never an issue then. DH does have an addictive personality though (alcohol) so it is something I'm worried about. I really don't know how to mention it to him without starting a row as he does get so defensive about the matter. Part of me thinks I should just ignore it for a bit longer but it really does bother me. When i spoke with him ages ago about it he said the issue was my low self esteem rather than him and in fairness my confidence is low. But he certainly doesn't help matters by turning me down. There has been occasions where we have been intimate in the morning, but later in the day he'll see to himself. I don't really mind this as he has been inimate with me first but there's a tiny part of me that thinks "was i not enough for him earlier?" Again, this could be perfectly normal for men to masturbate after sex though and the real issue is my own insecurities

Do you actually want to give him oral or are you just trying to keep him happy? What do you get out of this arrangement?

I actually don't mind giving oral @regularsizedrudy. Even before birth of DD I often would have chosen to give him oral oral over sex as he enjoyed it so much and it turn that made it enjoyable for me. I personally don't like receiving oral myself so we don't do that but he would be willing if I asked. I suppose I like being able to satisfy him, it makes me feel good about myself (I know my insecurities are blazing through here). But lately I feel that I'm not enough for him and it upsets me. I don't know how much of it is stress related though as I think he's struggling a lot with having a newborn. I suppose my worry is that it will become a dependency though.

Definitely talk to him.

I had this problem myself where I was pleasing myself every day and neglecting my partner. I nearly lost my relationship because of it.

We are lucky in that we can talk about things and dealt with it. Admittedly mine was a lot worse as it was since I was 13 doing it (just turned 41) and I had to get professional help.

There is a good and helpful blog about masturbation addiction but I can't find the link :(

Yes, unfortunately I do have personal experience of this - my ex had a worsening porn addiction and I was the frog in the boiling pot. It was so normalised to me that it wasn’t until things became very physically abusive that I woke up to how wrong it all was. But the early signs were increased use, secrecy, lack of interest in actual sex unless it was something increasingly extreme, delayed ejaculation etc etc.

The fact that he described cam girls as “real people” (and therefore women in porn as not) shows that he’s become desensitised to typical porn and is seeking that novelty. For some it’s like a drug that requires a higher dose to get a high. If he hasn’t already interacted with them I’ll eat my hat, but he certainly will in the future if he continues on this path. Just watching these “real people” will get boring quickly.

I’m not sure what to suggest but you shouldn’t be having to worry about this with a new baby! And there’s nothing at all wrong with your boundaries, stop doubting yourself.

Id also be telling him to do his own grotty laundry, immediately.

Thank you for your reply (and candour) @firsttimedad79. Do you mind me asking why you chose self pleasure over intimacy with your partner? Not having a go, I'm genuinely curious. When I've asked my DH about this in the past he's gotten really annoyed and shut the conversation down. I don't know if my DH does have an addiction to porn or not or if it is just due to the stress of a new baby. On one hand I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill but on the other I don't want it to escalate and ruin our marriage. He's a great husband and dad in every other respect

@madcatladyforever

Be warmed excessive porn usage completely destroyed my 20 year relationship.

And it’s wrecked my 40 year marriage. Just wait until he needs more and more extreme porn to get the desired effect. And wants to try it out on you. Killed my so-called marriage, porn was far preferable as a partner.

Any woman with a tiny new baby needs care, respect and frankly, compliments. She needs to be scaffolded. That's a husband's job: live his wife, make her feel safe and adored.
Wanking off to porn, and particularly live porn, is the actual opposite of adoring your wife. It's hurtful and selfish.
You are right to be disappointed in him. He needs to do better.

You've made some very good points @deathgrip particularly about normal porn not being enough and needing more extreme content to get the same satisfaction. I really hope it's just a passing phase with my DH but from what other people are posting on MN porn addiction seems quite common. I'm glad that you managed to leave your ex in the end. He sounds awful
@RealBecca I definitely need to have a proper conversation with DH but he gets very defensive and angry when talking about certain topics out of embarrassment. It's good that you managed to get your relationship back on track.
@Strawberrycreamsundae I'm sorry your marriage ended. You deserve much better

Thank you @guineapigbridge. He is good to me in most respects but the porn is hurtful

@FrustratedWife86

Thank you for your reply (and candour) *@firsttimedad79*. Do you mind me asking why you chose self pleasure over intimacy with your partner? Not having a go, I'm genuinely curious. When I've asked my DH about this in the past he's gotten really annoyed and shut the conversation down. I don't know if my DH does have an addiction to porn or not or if it is just due to the stress of a new baby. On one hand I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill but on the other I don't want it to escalate and ruin our marriage. He's a great husband and dad in every other respect

I didn't chose self pleasure, it was just the way I was, what I was used to. It was the first thought in the morning when I woke up with an erection and a few times during the day.

Is he doing it at specific times of day or random?

Try not to look at this as a porn addiction. Look at it as a masturbation addiction. The porn is a means to an end to get him off when he wants relief.

When he's responding to you annoyed it's a self defence response to cover the embarrassment. No partner wants to feel more attracted to how he feels using his hand than to real sex.

I'm not condoning what he's doing but I do understand the addiction.

Because mine had been for life I'd never ejaculated during sex until I went for help. Still haven't ejaculated from a blow job. All because my body learnt one specific feeling for release and I couldn't emulate it during sex. I have effectively had to be a teenager again and learn all the feelings in my body. I'm still only about 30% there but I have a really loving understanding partner who has helped me through and we did conceive my first son 2.5 years ago.

I tell you all this so you can see what it can develope into if not helped early on.

It's not necessary to use porn to masturbate. I don't understand why men still use that excuse. It's getting old. Has he got no imagination?
Furthermore, he has been lying to you. He definitely has an account on chaturbate and is essentially getting his kicks somewhere else. That's also why he won't have sex with you anymore. Does he ever give you an orgasm? Does he even care about your pleasure?

I can't believe he is doing that when you both just had a little girl. He jerks off to porn while you do the laundry? Does that sound fair to you? What kind of father does he intend to make? Is this the example he wants to set for his daughter? Is this something he things she should expect once she is old enough to date? In my opinion he needs a good kick up the behind. He is a parents now and needs to stop acting like an irresponsible teenager.

And not even to mention that the most popular porn that men watch is the stuff where women are getting hurt and degerated for money. I think it's sickening that anyone would find that arousing.

Maybe my standards for men are way too high, but they are the same standards that I have for women. If I were you I'd leave this sack of deadweight.

I'm guessing he sees to himself quite a lot usually ,but as you've got a new baby, sex as well is too much at present as he's knackered. Every man I've dated did it daily & never turned down sex on top of that. But they did all have a very high sex drive .The webcam thing seems an old, separate issue that's not resolved to me.

@firsttimedad79 he would normally do it when he goes for a nap. As far as I know it would normally be once a day but there have been times were we have been intimate in the morning then later in the afternoon he'll go for a lie down and see to himself then. This makes me wonder if there is a bit of a dependency to porn but I could be completely reading too much into it. It helps to think of it as a masturbation addiction as opposed to porn as that makes it a little easier to tolerate and understand. I'm glad to hear that you have a supportive partner. It must have been very difficult for you both but well done on reaching out and getting help. I don't really know how to broach the subject with him as it is so personal and I dont want to embarrass him but I am feeling very resentful towards him and can't articulate to him why I'm annoyed. Which in turn is possibly putting him off the idea of intimacy with me and so on and so forth it goes . From a male perspective, would you consider sites like chaturbate crossing a line or do you think it's no different to regular porn?

You have a 6 week old baby, and he’s wanking daily to a chat porn site he promised not to use, having you picking up his giz soaked clothes and washing them, asking to give him blow jobs that he rejects and feeling frustrated because he can’t be arsed to have any sexual intimacy with you that gives you pleasure?

Is he an actual prince???

This!

It’s revolting behaviour!

It feels to me like he's cheating. He's switched to something that is as close to real as he can get - real women he can interact with. If that woman was in a room with him would you still be ok? There's bugger all difference.

And he wants them. Not you. And he doesn't want to be challenged because he doesn't want to give them up. Why doesn't he just have affairs and be done with it? He's just getting as close to that as he can and you're supposed to be ok with it.

I think you might want to look at your own boundaries. And tell him if he wants to keep it up you want an open marriage do you can have your own fun.

You keep saying you need to have a conversation with him but it doesn’t actually sound like you are able to. You can’t talk about your sexual needs or desires, you can’t talk about the cum stained washing, you can’t talk about the porn site. Any attempt you’ve made so far leads to him getting defensive and nothing changes or gets resolved. So how are either of you ever going to deal with this?

@Justgorgeous

Your sex life consists of you giving him oral ? You had a baby six weeks ago, he’s watching porn, cumming over everything and you are doing all the washing ??? He sounds delightful.

Heartbreaking tbh

I never really 'get' why men need porn either @CaptSkippy but I guess men are typically more visual than women and it's how they are used to masturbating. As for him having an account, I genuinely don't think he does as when I saw him on the site a couple of years ago the history didn't show him paying for tokens etc. I think a lot of men go on there to lurk so to speak. When i checked it out myself I saw that you can watch the videos without signing up but if you want the women to do specific acts then you need an account. However, I am very aware that there is the potential for him to find that merely watching won't be enough and he could end up interacting at some point. You've raised some very good points but to be fair, apart from the porn he does treat me very well. When we do have sex he would try his best to make sure I get pleasure too. I don't think your standards are too high, it's good to know your own boundaries and self worth.

It's ofcourse up you, but personally I find this behavior extremely disrespectful and unacceptable from someone who claims to love me.

[quote FrustratedWife86]@firsttimedad79 he would normally do it when he goes for a nap. As far as I know it would normally be once a day but there have been times were we have been intimate in the morning then later in the afternoon he'll go for a lie down and see to himself then. This makes me wonder if there is a bit of a dependency to porn but I could be completely reading too much into it. It helps to think of it as a masturbation addiction as opposed to porn as that makes it a little easier to tolerate and understand. I'm glad to hear that you have a supportive partner. It must have been very difficult for you both but well done on reaching out and getting help. I don't really know how to broach the subject with him as it is so personal and I dont want to embarrass him but I am feeling very resentful towards him and can't articulate to him why I'm annoyed. Which in turn is possibly putting him off the idea of intimacy with me and so on and so forth it goes . From a male perspective, would you consider sites like chaturbate crossing a line or do you think it's no different to regular porn?[/quote]
Wouldn't have a clue on chaturbate I'm afraid as never heard of it. I only used the free porn sites.

I couldn't tell you what's out there now as it's been over a year since I've looked at porn.

I don't remember how the subject was broached with me, I think it was my partner getting depressed and telling me she didn't feel very attractive that kind of gave me the wake up call. From there we had the conversation about why and it took a long time but it moved forwards.