To ask for your “taking back a cheater” experience ...

[Givemeanidea878]

I am in a situation where my partner has been caught 1. Having a drunken kiss with a stranger 2. Sexually messaging women. He swears it would never have progressed into a “real” affair and it was mainly down to being drunk and the stress of lockdown (eye rolls) apart from the dodgy excuses he does seem very sorry for info we have only been together for 2 years , no kids. I was so shocked as he always talks about marriage and kids (without being prompted) - part of me knows it’s over and part of me is close to giving in to all the begging and just giving it another chance because I do love him. Please share you experiences / thoughts if you have been through anything similar ! Thanks in advance

I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater" but I do believe that once it's happened in a relationship it is likely to happen again. And even if it doesn't, you'll never be able to completely trust him again. I'd leave.

If you stay with him you better bookmark the AIBU forum now because it will be visited a lot for relationship issues in your future posts.

Will you ever trust him again fully? You can't underestimate the impact of this on how your value yourself, your partner and your relationship going forwards. If you can't truly forgive and forget, then you will always have some level of resentment. Is it worth it?

Leopards and spots comes to mind here. Please save yourself years of heartache and end it now.

Don't waste your time move on. X

From little acorns, bigger trees grow.

Save yourself anymore wasted time and find somebody who deserves you.

Under these circumstances I wouldn’t take him back. He’s already minimising what he did which suggests he isn’t taking it seriously or facing up to it, and he has proven that he doesn’t get everything he needs / wants from a monogamous relationship, so you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering if he’s chasing that novelty and thrill elsewhere. It’s just a world of heartache you don’t need

In only two years his eye has wondered twice already.

Roll on ten years married with children and he’s still cheating, you’ll be wondering why you didn’t leave when it was easy.

He doesn't rate you high enough in his life to respect you.

There will always be some excuse for his misdeminers and they will probably be your fault.

I would move on, he is not the one for you.

Once it's happened and they've been caught and then "got away with it" by being taken back by their partner then the taboo is broken. There's no disincentive to doing it again. In my experience, they will do it again And again. And again.

I tried forgiving and forgetting (ha!) but he took this as green light to do it again. Don’t be a doormat like me.

From experience he will do it again but be more careful.
Some people change, some don't. My ex and his partner have just split up because he didn't change.
Find a confident man who knows what he wants.

I wouldn't. You'll never really get the trust back and you'll spend the relationship with a knot in your stomach. It's just no way to live.

My dad did this. He's basically had a 50 year long shit marriage to a shit wife. You only live once

If he’s already behaving like this in the first two years then he won’t change. He doesn’t need to. If you take him back he will do it again and again.

Do you actually think it will be different? Or do you just feel sorry for him?

He doesn’t love or care about you, clearly.

You deserve better.

It’s only been two years and he has messaged multiple women and kissed another?

And that’s just the ones you know about. Get our while you can.

Omg get rid.

It won’t, it was just a snog, I was lonely it was just a couple of messages. It was just a drunken shag. That’s how this goes.

Leave. Hes sorry he got caught, thats all. Seriously.

A friend of mine was conducting a relationship with a woman from overseas. He was cheating because he thought she couldn’t find out I guess. (I would have wiped the floor with him if I’d known.) Anyway one day she was staying with him, and one of these women popped up in chat. After a conversation all was revealed.

My friend came in and found her packing to go home. He begged her for another chance. In the end she caved in. I went to their wedding many years ago. They are still married and he’s never cheated again.

Yep. He'll do it again. You'd be well and truly foolish to have children with this man. Consider it a stroke of luck that you found out before you legally tied yourself to the dickhead!

2 years only and no DC.

I'd leave. You'll never fully trust him again, and cheaters generally only admit to the minimum they can get away with.

If you take him back be prepared for him to do it again so if you are happy for an open relationship go for it

I always thought I would forgive and work through it and we’d be all the stronger for it, until it happened to me. When my fiancée cheated I did indeed forgive and I thought that through the tears, arguments, ravaged hearts and bared souls we had come through it stronger and able to face anything. Then he did it again a month before our wedding and it smashed my faith in him. Fool me once shame on you, fool me again shame on me.
The fact is that you now know that his perceived happiness is more important to him than any loyalty he has towards you. It’s hard to trust a cheater, there will always be doubt.

In the nicest way possible op, not all men do this. Imagine life with a man who didn't.