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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your “taking back a cheater” experience ...

94 replies

Givemeanidea878 · 20/10/2020 08:55

I am in a situation where my partner has been caught 1. Having a drunken kiss with a stranger 2. Sexually messaging women. He swears it would never have progressed into a “real” affair and it was mainly down to being drunk and the stress of lockdown (eye rolls) apart from the dodgy excuses he does seem very sorry for info we have only been together for 2 years , no kids. I was so shocked as he always talks about marriage and kids (without being prompted) - part of me knows it’s over and part of me is close to giving in to all the begging and just giving it another chance because I do love him. Please share you experiences / thoughts if you have been through anything similar ! Thanks in advance

OP posts:
WineGummyBear · 20/10/2020 12:12

You have been given the gift of knowing this man is a liar and a cheat BEFORE marriage/kids.

You have a golden opportunity to leave now. Before it becomes a whole lot easier for him to cheat with impunity.

justilou1 · 20/10/2020 12:19

🏔🏔🏔⏪⏪⏪🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

Yeahnahmum · 20/10/2020 12:21

Reread your post op.
And realise you are dating an absolute payhetic man.
And then you move on

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 20/10/2020 12:31

Imagine a female you are close to presenting this problem to you....a close friend, your sister, mother, niece, future daughter, whoever....what would you tell them to do?

LulaLuna · 20/10/2020 12:54

Everytime I took back a cheater I was miserable and always paranoid. They always cheated again.
If your desperate for love and dont want to be alone it can seem like a could idea but it really isnt!
10 years on and in a loving a healthy relationship I can look back and feel sad about how low my self respect and esteem was, I allowed myself to be treated like an object and still healing from that shite.
Find happiness in yourself on your own and then eventually you will attract something who treats you with love.

SquidwardTennisballs · 20/10/2020 12:56

It’s like taking a piece of shit and shoving it back inside your arse... Some things should not be taken back and he is one of them 🤷🏼‍♀️

cannylad1 · 20/10/2020 13:01

I'm a married man of 37 years, lately two ladies have shown a keen interest in me, the feelings are very flattering, and I do get a buzz from chatting to them,I know if I took it another step forward I could never live with myself.

Pepperwand · 20/10/2020 13:10

I tried to move past it and it just happened again and again and again. Years down the line when he was my ex I wished I'd had some self respect and walked early on.

He's minimising and making bullshit excuses for what he's done and it's happened this early on in what should be the honeymoon stage of your relationship. Get out now before you waste any more time on him.

PicsInRed · 20/10/2020 13:12

@cannylad1

I'm a married man of 37 years, lately two ladies have shown a keen interest in me, the feelings are very flattering, and I do get a buzz from chatting to them,I know if I took it another step forward I could never live with myself.
Did ye aye
SkySmiler · 20/10/2020 13:17

No way, no second - or 3rd chance! He's shown you who is he, kids/marriage, blah, blah.... just lip service, actions speak louder than words.....

MiddleClassMother · 20/10/2020 13:29

None because it wouldn't happen. Consign them to the scrap heap and move on!

byebyeboyee · 20/10/2020 13:39

Run! My dad was a cheater, my exes where cheaters get out while you can have a clean cut.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2020 13:40

@cannylad1

I'm a married man of 37 years, lately two ladies have shown a keen interest in me, the feelings are very flattering, and I do get a buzz from chatting to them,I know if I took it another step forward I could never live with myself.
Oh I reckon you sound like you could live with yourself.

Right up to the moment you move into the bedsit

fairlygoodmother · 20/10/2020 13:41

I might be able to get past a drunken kiss as a one-off but sexual messages to multiple women is planned and long term. I don’t think he’d stop doing it he’ll just hide it better. And gradually his boundaries would shift until it did progress into an affair. Dump him.

Faith50 · 20/10/2020 13:47

Infidelity damages your relationship. It takes a lot of work to heal, so much so that you wonder if it is worth it. It breaks the betrayed until they no longer know who they are. You question everything sbout yourself and others. It is all consuming at least for the first year. At one point I thought I was having a breakdown. I do not love, admire, like my h in the same way. I doubt it will ever return.

I have met up with other men because I felt so broken, rejected, ugly and worthless that I was utterly desperate to be wanted by someone.

In short, my h fucked up my life and I joined him in making our marriage a shit show. I am no better than him.

Artforartssake · 20/10/2020 13:56

@WineGummyBear

You have been given the gift of knowing this man is a liar and a cheat BEFORE marriage/kids.

You have a golden opportunity to leave now. Before it becomes a whole lot easier for him to cheat with impunity.

^^ This X 1000. In a way, although awful, it's a blessing you found out now before DC arrived. So sorry op. You deserve better. Run for the hills.
Shinyletsbebadguys · 20/10/2020 14:01

There is a world of difference between a drunken kiss and sexting other people. See , I could see myself possibly (possibly not sure I would) forgiving the drunken kiss from someone who was essentially great in every other way. But not under two years I mean that's still honeymoon period really.

The other stuff has an element of planning and deliberate behaviour in it. That's far more worrying. Honestly 2 years in and no DC I would generally think nah I can do better. You simply are worth far more than some idiot who needs to get his excitement like that.

longwayoff · 20/10/2020 14:04

Let me save you some wasted years. Bin him now. What a twat.

Doodlebug5 · 20/10/2020 14:10

I have another point of view.

My OH had a texting relationship with a girl when we had been together two years.

11 years later i am still here.
I still have off moments where i want to know who he is texting. He is free with his phone, i have all of his passwords etc. I rarely check them now.

What it has made me realise is that i should be self sufficient from him. I.e we both co own our house i earn more than him etc.

In the event it ever happened again he would be gone and lose what i consider a pretty damm good life.

It takes hard work and the trust creeps back but never 100%

animalprintfree · 20/10/2020 14:15

I do think people are capable of change, however if I were you I'd take this as a sign of things to come... leave before you dig yourself in deeper with marriage and kids, etc...

Ohwhatbliss · 20/10/2020 14:28

Should have listened to my old Dad "a leopard doesn't change his spots" He was right and I could have saved myself years of angst

Crankley · 20/10/2020 16:30

I never have and never would take back a cheater. My relationship bar is set too high.

yesiamyesiamokaycallmeback · 20/10/2020 21:37

I'll go against the grain and say that my dp cheated on me twice in the first 2 years of our relationship.
Once he kissed my friend when I'd just had our first baby and second time he possibly slept with (but never admitted to) a random girl when he was away working. it broke my heart and still hurts to be fair. but we had a child and I didn't want to be a single parent or have multiple children to different dads so I stuck it out. we broke up for a while (his choice) and we got back together and worked very hard on our relationship for about 3 years.
I didn't think we'd make it but now I trust him fully and believ he would never do it again. he did a full 180 and is a different person.
I am glad I stuck it out but if I wasn't tied to him with children I would have walked.
the only reason I tried again was because I didn't want my kids to have to stay at their dads without me. I didn't want to have to deal with step parents and half siblings and I just wanted a normal easy life.
I got lucky and my dicky young boyfriend grew into a really really lovely partner who is embarrassed and ashamed.
but the only reason we are still together is because I had a child with him, so it was worth the heartache and the doubt and the work to see if we could turn things around.

if I didn't have kids with him and he'd cheated on me after 2 years I think I'd walk. However I haven't had another long term relationship. dp is my first and only so I dont know,
it is easier said than done, and 2 years feels like a long time to waste by ending it but it really is just the beginning. I dont know, do you live together or share finances?

Beaverdam100 · 20/10/2020 21:42

Once a cheat always a cheat.

You have only been with him 2 years and should still be in the honeymoon phase. He will cheat and may not even use protection so will come back and stick that stinking penis in you. You could catch anything from him and be totally unaware.

You deserve better. My friends have got back with cheats and they have continued to cheat and gave them STDs.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 20/10/2020 21:49

Ex cheated while I was pregnant and we stayed together because of all the reasons you try to forgive someone. He then went on to cheat again (because cliches are always true) and the second time around I couldn't even bring myself to find out for certain, I knew before he even admitted to it.

If someone can shit from a great height all over their relationship they can do it again. The trust is the only thing that can't ever be fixed for me and to be honest if I had my time again I wouldn't even try.