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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for your “taking back a cheater” experience ...

94 replies

Givemeanidea878 · 20/10/2020 08:55

I am in a situation where my partner has been caught 1. Having a drunken kiss with a stranger 2. Sexually messaging women. He swears it would never have progressed into a “real” affair and it was mainly down to being drunk and the stress of lockdown (eye rolls) apart from the dodgy excuses he does seem very sorry for info we have only been together for 2 years , no kids. I was so shocked as he always talks about marriage and kids (without being prompted) - part of me knows it’s over and part of me is close to giving in to all the begging and just giving it another chance because I do love him. Please share you experiences / thoughts if you have been through anything similar ! Thanks in advance

OP posts:

glassshoes · 20/10/2020 21:50

I had a similar enough situation around six years ago (though four year relationship). I surprised myself in how 'final' a blow this was, after various difficulties in the relationship before. To me, it seemed quite simple in terms of being easy to improve my situation, including being single. I met my amazing DP very shortly after.

TartanDMs · 20/10/2020 21:54

If you have to ask the question, then the trust is broken and you are better off out of it. FWIW the kiss wouldn't have bothered me really, but the subsequent texts would - a drunken snog is one thing but deliberately contacting someone indicates that your other half is thinking about someone else - it's not spontaneous.

Yesreallyreally · 20/10/2020 21:56

I started a similar thread last year. Most people said it was really hard and not really worth it considering their circumstances.
For me I wanted to try for my children, and myself. I still loved my partner and could see how we had both contributed to damage in our marriage.

I’m not making excuses for his behaviour but I knew we both needed to make changes if we were going to make it work.

12 months later - some things are better, we have more fun, cherish and act kinder to one another. I definitely prioritise myself more and have made myself happier that way

Some things are worse - I will never trust him again, not just not to cheat but with my deepest fears and vulnerabilities, which is a shame because I don’t trust him not to hurt me. And i am more jealous and bitter at times which is not a part of myself I like, it’s just really hard to manage it.

I hope it will get better still. I wouldn’t be here if I thought I would be worse off. I considered everything in making my decision. So I would say think about all the pros and cons and do what’s best for you. I also decided if I change my mind at any point I would act. Making myself that promise helped me too. Good luck x

Original poster

Givemeanidea878 · 21/10/2020 16:36

Just want to say a massive thanks for all the comments it’s just what I needed to hear and has really helped me ! I am going to move forward on my own ! X

OP posts:

Ginfordinner · 21/10/2020 17:22

Well done, and good luck

Original poster

Givemeanidea878 · 21/10/2020 17:35

@Ginfordinner thank you x

OP posts:

OFFREDOFFSTUART · 21/10/2020 17:38

Hi
Sorry- this is horrible for you. In my experience,; forgiving is the easy bit; forgetting is the problem. For me this meant that every interaction with a woman [however innocent] was suspect, and what I once would have considered' friendly', became 'flirty'. I nearly destroyed my sanity and we rowed constantly. We divorced eventually and I'm now happily married to a [much] better man who would never risk losing me by cheating.
Worth thinking about...

DragonPie · 21/10/2020 17:49

Good luck! Just remember you deserve so much more!

Belle1983 · 21/10/2020 17:57

I'll give my abbreviated story.
Suspected husband for years (on and off).
Split when I had proof he was definitely having affair.
'Tried' to fix after a 2 month separation with counselling.
Husband continued to lie about ongoing affair.
Fast forward to now- divorced, very happy in new relationship, ex still with girlfriend and on a very short leash!

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 21/10/2020 18:52

Sounds like he has low self esteem/is insecure and uses attention from women to boost his ego. In my experience (both personally and my friends), men who mention or even follow through with commitment things like proposing, buying a house etc fairly early on in a relationship, and who then end up cheating, tend to repeat their cheating ways again and again. Either with the same partner or a new one.

Throw him back in the sea OP. As my best friends mum said to me when I was sobbing on her kitchen floor after my ex cheated, better now than 2 more years or kids down the line.

SomeonesRealName · 22/10/2020 14:24

! I am going to move forward on my own ! X

Im really pleased to read this OP those first few weeks after I left my ex were awful I won't lie but I was soon back on my feet, not long after I got a great job and eventually I met a new partner who is a great husband and step father to my DS. Please keep posting so we can cheer you on/up x

Original poster

Givemeanidea878 · 22/10/2020 14:46

Thanks everybody !!! Really loving all the support. Had a very wobbly day yesterday but today I’ve been really focussed on work and got myself booked in at the gym for later — I think the mornings are the worst you wake up and remember it all. I’m trying not to drive myself crazy wondering why he did it because truly I will never know and what does it even matter. Just glad I’m in the position where it’s him that’s moved out and I’m just about financially ok on my own x

OP posts:

Sparklesocks · 22/10/2020 14:47

I tried. He had a one night stand, claimed it was a drunken mistake and didn’t mean anything. In fairness to him he really did try to work on it and seemed committed to getting through it it while acknowledging his guilt and wrongdoing. He even suggested couples therapy.

I did my best and wanted to forgive, but couldn’t get past it. I didn’t trust him, and I stressed myself out every time he went out with friends worrying it would happen again. Every time his phone buzzed I would worry it was someone else. It was exhausting and I wasn’t really myself or happy.

So while I know other people do get through it, and I know very happy couples who have, I think it’s really difficult and not everyone can. I know I would walk away if it happened with my current partner.

WatchOutTheSkyIsFalling · 22/10/2020 14:51

ok....putting myself out there to be flamed here. The flipside of this: I cheated on my Dh years ago. He knows about it now, we had counselling etc and I can absolutely 100% say with certainty that I would never do it again. Why? Because the whole experience of juggling the conflicted feelings was hideous, seeing the hurt it caused my DH even more so and frankly even the rush of high adrenaline it gave was not worth it, I would now go massively out of my way to avoid the start of any situation like that developing again. So I think it comes down to a) can you work through it on a personal level without driving yourself crazy? My DH just happens to be very good at compartementalising so was able to do this and counselling helped b) how genuinely do you feel your partner would never do it again?

Original poster

Givemeanidea878 · 22/10/2020 16:43

@WatchOutTheSkyIsFalling I appreciate that side of things with my ex though he kissed someone seen me fall apart made all the promises then messaged girls not long after so i don’t think he was really sorry or ever going to change - since writing this original post I’ve actually discovered more stuff so I think the boat has truly sailed as sad as it makes me x

OP posts:

Original poster

Givemeanidea878 · 22/10/2020 16:45

We are in late 20s by the way for people asking of age

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 22/10/2020 17:18

I can absolutely 100% say with certainty that I would never do it again.

And I can totally believe you! The trouble is, you can't know. So once someone has shown they are a cheat, even if you 99% believe that it was a terrible mistake blah blah, you're risking so much to stay with them if it turns out that you're wrong and they do do it again.

So it's just more sensible to leave. It's logical.

When you've only had a couple of years together in the first place and you don't actually know them properly in depth, you'd be a fool to stay. Much more logical and shrewd to cut your losses and start afresh in a relationship which won't leave you with a knot in your stomach every single day.

The fact that so, so many posts on here tell the same story - I gave him a chance and he did it again - kind of proves that rule.

So, I believe you, but it honestly makes no difference. It's still better to leave a cheat. The risk is too great and the corrosion of the relationship wrecks the best part of it anyway once the trust is gone.

tsmainsqueeze · 22/10/2020 18:14

He doesn't love or respect you.
Get rid , move on , don't look back .
Don't try and analyse him he isn't worth the energy.
Don't settle for this or any one else like this .

WatchOutTheSkyIsFalling · 22/10/2020 23:20

Hmmm yes late 20s, no kids, unmarried and the fact he did more disloyal stuff after cheating is not really comparable with our situation (not that my cheating was in any way more acceptable!). I think unfortunately based on all your factors, you probably are best to leave him :(

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