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Original poster

To ask for your “taking back a cheater” experience ...

94 replies

Givemeanidea878 · 20/10/2020 08:55

I am in a situation where my partner has been caught 1. Having a drunken kiss with a stranger 2. Sexually messaging women. He swears it would never have progressed into a “real” affair and it was mainly down to being drunk and the stress of lockdown (eye rolls) apart from the dodgy excuses he does seem very sorry for info we have only been together for 2 years , no kids. I was so shocked as he always talks about marriage and kids (without being prompted) - part of me knows it’s over and part of me is close to giving in to all the begging and just giving it another chance because I do love him. Please share you experiences / thoughts if you have been through anything similar ! Thanks in advance

OP posts:
ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 20/10/2020 10:42

Only 2 years together and he’s already looking elsewhere. I’d be running a mile and being so glad I’d found out before wasting any more time on him

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 20/10/2020 10:44

In the nicest possible way whilst you might love him he doesn’t love you or you wouldn’t be in this situation Flowers

LittleTiger007 · 20/10/2020 10:44

Sadly if he’s doing this early on then it’s a massive red flag. Hard as it is to hear - this isn’t love for him. He probably doesn’t know what true love means.
It’s easier said than done breaking up when you love someone ... but you will thank yourself for it a couple of years down the line.
I thank myself for dumping a cheater. It was the hardest thing I’ve done in my life because I adored him. But now ... with time between us, I see that he was/is a damaged individual and I have found a truly good man. I wish the same for you.

dooratheexplorer · 20/10/2020 10:44

No, kick him to the kerb now.

You should still be in the honeymoon period. Throw marriage, a couple of kids and life's challenges into the mix and your relationship will be tested. If you can't depend on him now then you definitely won't be able to depend on him then.

Listen to the advice on this thread. Lots of us have been there already. It will be hard to let him go but you deserve so much more!

D4rwin · 20/10/2020 10:50

Its the utter lack of respect he already has isnt it? Youre only two years in and hes chasing around like a dog in heat. Not worth the heartache and work for the constant worry, is it?

Pertella · 20/10/2020 10:51

Hes cheated on you numerous times that you know of, he will just attempt to hide his tracks better now.

Even if by some miracle he is one of the very few men who don't cheat again, would you always be on alert whenever his phone beeps in case he is sexting?

IJustWantSomeBees · 20/10/2020 10:51

part of me knows it’s over

I think this says it all, OP; I don't think there is any point trying to rescue a relationship that is already dead in your head. Also, the fact that he is making excuses and trying to minimise his cheating instead of just accepting that he hurt you and apologising and owning it completely is a deal breaker for me

LittleTiger007 · 20/10/2020 10:59

I’ve known of two couple who did truly fix things. It involved years of counselling and therapy individually and as a couple. The wives were tough and it took years for them to truly trust again and work through it. These were both long term marriages with children and history and something worth saving and it was damn hard (worth it though).
The big difference is that they had something worth saving and BOTH parties worked at it.
In your case you haven’t got this firm foundation and I think you know in your heart that he will only break your heart repeatedly. There are good men out there.
This is his failing not yours. You deserve better and you will find it.

ekidmxcl · 20/10/2020 11:04

You have no kids. Run whilst it’s easy. You do not want to end up trapped with a man like this.

firstimemamma · 20/10/2020 11:06

I wouldn't waste your time with him. 2 years is basically no time at all and should be the exciting, 'honeymoon' stage (not that cheating is ok at any stage obviously).

Dollyparton3 · 20/10/2020 11:08

My ex husband cheated. Once before we married with an emotional affair where he swore they hadn't gone further than kissing. I forgave him.

Then 2 months after we were married I found out it was more than just kissing and when I dug further I discovered he'd been trying it on with 3 other women through Facebook messenger. This is why he's my ex husband.

Get out while you can. The emotional torture really isn't worth it

SittingontheRascal · 20/10/2020 11:09

2 years? no kids?

RUN FOR THE HILLS

fairynick · 20/10/2020 11:10

My ex cheated on me. I forgave. He cheated again and again and again. Messaging other Multiple women, meeting up with them etc. So eventually I knew I had to leave.
On the flip side, I cheated on my current DP once. Drunken one night stand on holiday. Worst mistake of my life. It was about three and a half years ago. For the following six months the relationship was awful because it was almost as if we were trying our best to be as normal as possible but we were both heartbroken. We then had a break for about two/three months for us to both kind of step back and think about what we wanted. Been together really happily ever since. I still don’t disagree with anyone though who says don’t get back with a cheater, there’s so much heartache and fixing to be done that 99% of the time it probably isn’t worth it.

8catsaremycoven · 20/10/2020 11:13

I have just caught DH sexting another woman last week 😭 Nearly 5 years together, 2 years married. Lots of tears and anger from me. Apologies and finally tears from him. We've talked and talked. We're going to get back on track and try to make it work. It's hard. I'm heartbroken but I'm not throwing away all the good times without a bloody hard fight. All men are different OP, I believe deep down that my DH is a good man who has made a big mistake and realised that he stood to lose me and won't be straying again. 💐for you, search your head and your heart 💐

FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2020 11:14

Only two years? No ties?

This is what he thinks of you only two years in.

More fool you if you stay.

'You do love him' - well, you can see now 'who' it is you 'love'

So ask yourself what 'love' means to you, and if the words 'respect' 'fairness' 'honesty' or similar are in there on your checklist, then give yourself a shake and realise that this 'love' is made up of 85% familiarity, cold feet at change, and fear of the unknown.

Get rid.

PicsInRed · 20/10/2020 11:16

Drumroll please...

He did it again and again and again and again until I got out.

If you take them back, all they learn is that you'll take them back. Then what little fear they had before that you might leave if they cheat - which didn't stop them - is gone and it's open season. They also won't appreciate being taken back, they hold you in contempt and consider your value lower for having been, to them, so stupid.

SomeonesRealName · 20/10/2020 11:20

Caught XH messaging a woman. He swore it was just a thrill and it would never have progressed into a “real” affair and it was mainly down to being drunk and work stress etc. Lots of minimising said he hadn't realised I would see it as cheating. Forgave him for some mad reason.

Fast forward 5 years we are married with a baby. Then I find out he was still seeing her and had been the whole time.

Past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour OP. Dump him.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 20/10/2020 11:27

Every time he gets drunk, and everytime he goes out with mates to a bar/pub/party you are going to have a knot at the bottom of your stomach. You will want to ask him not to get drunk, or text him when he's out etc but if you do you will be the controlling, nagging, uptight one. And he will probably still cheat.

TheRealShatParp · 20/10/2020 11:28

I tried forgiving and forgetting once, but it just wasn’t possible. It was similar circumstances too. A drunken kiss and rating women’s appearances online. Gross, eh. My self esteem was in my boots. I didn’t recognise myself. Like a previous poster said, do not underestimate the impact that this can have on you and a relationship. You deserve better than this.
Also, he may seem sorry but that is not hard to fake.
I’m sorry, but either the relationship is over or your self esteem and self respect is.

Milliepossum · 20/10/2020 11:35

OP, the clearest way to think about this is would you have even thought to do any of the things he did, and then choose to do them regardless of the consequences? If your answer is no then please understand that he couldn’t have cared about you to make the choices he made. You getting upset just tells him he’s as special as he thinks he is. But you can’t be that special to him otherwise he wouldn’t have even got the idea to betray you in the first place.

Phillipa12 · 20/10/2020 11:39

My now exh had an affair 2 years into our relationship, we worked through it and eventually got married. 4dc and just before our 10th wedding anniversary he had another affair and we are now divorced. In hindsight I should have walked after the first affair, but hindsight is a wonderful thing....

Palavah · 20/10/2020 11:39

That's already not a one-off.
It's only been 2 years and his eyes (and other things) have wandered.
Your sunk cost now is low. Don't wait until you have a mortgage and kids together.

How old are you? How old is he?

LindaEllen · 20/10/2020 11:49

I honestly don't believe that if you've cheated once you'll always cheat (I've spoken about my own cheating on here, and why I did it, and why it would never happen again - I'll happily explain if anyone's interested but for now I'll save the essay haha), BUT, I do think it ruins the trust to the extent that things can never be the same again.

Starlight39 · 20/10/2020 11:56

*2 years? no kids?

RUN FOR THE HILLS*

This ^^.

He put it down to the stress of lockdown? What happens if one of you loses your job or have a baby or get ill or...?? It's not even a one off - it's a drunken kiss AND sexually messaging multiple women. I really think you'll be happier in the long run if you end it now.

im5050 · 20/10/2020 12:07

If you take him back your basically saying it’s ok I love you enough to put up with all your shit
It’s a green light for him to do it again as he knows you will take him back