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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not know how to deal with rude 11 y/o

85 replies

Funkyslippers · 19/10/2020 19:55

DD2 was very rude to OH earlier. She'd taken a pack of peas from the freezer to soothe a small bump on her friend's head, on Saturday night. TBH I'd forgotten all about it until I found said pack of peas on her bedroom floor tonight.

DD2 refused to take any responsibility, saying "just refreeze them" or "have you ever heard of a shop?" when OH reminded her that he'd grown them in his allotment. He's taken her phone off her until she apologises, which she might do in the end, but probably won't mean it. She's now in her room and refusing to come out. I was hoping to have a nice evening with her but I'm not going to sweet talk her in order to get her to come out. She is often rude and answers back. I'm unsure what sort of punishment should be given as I always thought the punishment should fit the 'crime' (i.e. not coming off technology means no technology the next day etc). Can anyone help as I feel we're losing control and I should really grow some!!

OP posts:
cantdothisnow1 · 19/10/2020 19:58

TBH she'll 11 and she made a mistake. I think the punishment of taking her phone off her is a complete overreaction.

If you want a punishment that fits the crime perhaps deduct the money for a bag of peas from her pocket money.

But honestly don't sweat the small stuff otherwise you will be having constant battles.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 19/10/2020 19:59

It wasn't so much the peas as such, it was the 'don't care' attitude and rudeness afterwards

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/10/2020 20:01

Well I wouldn't punish for the peas because we are all human and forget shit.

I'd tackle the rudeness though, but it sounds like that's a longer issue than just this evenings argument.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/10/2020 20:01

Buy "how to talk so teens listen" (I think that's the title). You and dh read it.

ladybee28 · 19/10/2020 20:02

It sounds like a fairly small mistake for an 11 year old to make (borne of a nice gesture on her part) that escalated pretty quickly – how did you / your DP initially respond to it? What sparked her defensiveness?

Taking her phone off her because of a pack of peas sounds pretty disproportionate to me...

RUOKHUN · 19/10/2020 20:03

I mean. I don’t think she sounds very rude. Who told her to put ice on her friends bump or did she just know to do that herself?

She does sound defensive, she’s done something right (in terms of first aid) and she’s now being told off. Does she know you can’t refreeze things?

I think you‘re being slightly unreasonable taking away her phone. Also. Is your OH her Dad?

StarShapedWindow · 19/10/2020 20:03

I think at this age they don’t think before they speak or the feel the sting of injustice and react without thinking clearly. I’d try and reason with her once the situation has calmed down otherwise it all just escalates.

Spinakker · 19/10/2020 20:03

It was an accident. Maybe she felt a bit under attack from your DH. Sounds like she was trying to help her friend. Really is it a big deal if peas defrost? I kind of agree with her you could buy some more it was obvious it was an accident. Yes she should apologise but taking the phone seems like a harsh punishment for this.

RiojaRose · 19/10/2020 20:06

Much sympathy! They’re constantly finding new ways to test boundaries, aren’t they? My approach in this situation is to calm down (the hard bit) and then have a chat about respect for other people’s things and other people’s work - real peas from an allotment are not easily replaced! Frozen shop-bought peas aren’t the same thing at all.
And also a chat about managing conflict. No one likes being told off but it’s not ok to be rude.

Also, I don’t know about your daughter, but mine is 17 and still forgets to put things away (she has dyspraxia). It’s much better if I remind her. More hassle for me but less stress all round.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 19/10/2020 20:08

Thanks for your replies. When we discovered the peas, OH said "I grow those in the allotment. You can't just leave things in your room like that". To which she just became very rude and sarcastic, which is why her phone was taken, not because of the peas.

Yes OH is her dad. She is rude frequently and I just don't know how to deal with it. I do usually wait until the situation has calmed down but I do feel she needs to apologise for her attitude.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 19/10/2020 20:13

I'm really surprised at the responses. It isn't the peas, it's the incredibly rude response to her father. I wouldn't tolerate it. I honestly don't know how to help though op because as of yet, Dd also 11, wouldnt dare. I'll be following the responses for what to do when it comes!

CherryPavlova · 19/10/2020 20:15

Overreacting to a tiny mistake. Can’t you just say, “Please don’t be rude” and move on.

Diverseduvet · 19/10/2020 20:17

Feed her peas everyday for a month?

MaxNormal · 19/10/2020 20:46

That is really rude! I'm surprised at how much rudeness from children and teens seems to be overlooked in the UK.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 19/10/2020 21:01

I agree with OH. It wasn't the peas, it was the rudeness. Eleven is old enough to know what is rude and what isn't. Her rudeness was deliberate. Losing a phone will hurt and may help her to remember to curb her sarcasm in future. If she gets away with it until she is a teenager she will likely become intolerable.

flaviaritt · 19/10/2020 21:02

She shouldn’t have been rude to him. Leave them to it.

isadoradancing123 · 19/10/2020 21:06

I can never understand how some people find it ok when their kids are rude to them, why would you allow this

flaviaritt · 19/10/2020 21:08

I kind of agree with her you could buy some more it was obvious it was an accident.

“Have you ever heard of a shop” when reminded that your own forgetfulness or laziness has resulted in someone else’s stuff being ruined is plain rude and sarcastic. If you let that wash in your house then you get what you tolerate, IMO.

PawPawNoodle · 19/10/2020 21:15

I don't think many people in this thread would be so forgiving if it were their child dismissing something that they'd made or grown. Imagine your child ruining a lasagne you'd made, for example, and then going 'just go to the shop and buy one'.

I'm with her dad. At 11 I know I was capable of saying things to be hurtful, she isn't a toddler without impulse control.

bebanjo · 19/10/2020 21:22

Hi, I think you and your OH need to decide what you both think is exceptible behaviour, what you are prepared to let go and how much freedom/ pocket money your DD gets fo4 following the rules.
Pick a time when there are no distractions and hav3 a good talk about what you expect exc. come up with a list of consequences, pin them up in the kitchen and stick to them.

AnneOfTeenFables · 19/10/2020 21:28

I doubt she meant to leave the peas in her room. She jumped to being defendant because your DH jumped to attack. Was she supposed to refreeze the peas? Did anyone tell her that? Or did your DH assume she would know? I didn't have much to do with freezer stuff when I was 11 so if my DF had jumped straight to telling me what I shouldn't have done without ensuring I knew what I should have done, I'd have felt stupid and defensive too.

MessAllOver · 19/10/2020 21:32

Your DH's initial mistake was to be hostile to her over the peas. Pointing out the mistake with good-humoured mock exasperation would have been sufficient and would probably have triggered a "sorry dad, I won't do that again" instead of a hostile response in return. Instead, you both escalated the situation.

When I was having coffee a couple of weeks ago, there was a family sitting next to me who were having problems with their son, who looked around 10. They were absolutely wiping the floor with him over some bad behaviour to his sister..."You have a terrible attitude, no one likes you or wants to be around you, you don't deserve any treats, you're a bad boy, you're a disgrace..." This just went on and on and on for around 20 minutes until they left. I felt so sorry for the poor boy, who sat there surly with his head down. They really weren't giving him any space to be a "good" child... They'd already labelled and condemned him and they were just backing him further and further into a corner.

Yes, call your DD out quietly when she is rude and remind her to speak politely, but imo the fastest way you end up with a rude child is to label them "rude" (as opposed to picking up on specific behaviours you dislike). You both need to model good behaviour to her in the way you speak to her (aggression begets aggression) and always give her a way to back down while saving face.

Rosebel · 19/10/2020 21:33

She doesn't sound particularly rude unless you've missed a huge chunk of what was said.
Why do something to make her apologise? If she doesn't mean it why make her say it (and she will say it because she'll want her phone back)?
An apology means nothing if it's forced. Surely a punishment fits the crime would be getting her to help on the allotment.
Plus refreshing peas isn't that much of a big deal. It's not as if it's a meat product.
You also said you forgot too, are you being punished for that?

ladybee28 · 19/10/2020 21:38

@Funkyslippers

Thanks for your replies. When we discovered the peas, OH said "I grow those in the allotment. You can't just leave things in your room like that". To which she just became very rude and sarcastic, which is why her phone was taken, not because of the peas.

Yes OH is her dad. She is rude frequently and I just don't know how to deal with it. I do usually wait until the situation has calmed down but I do feel she needs to apologise for her attitude.

If that was someone's first sentence to me after I'd made a mistake I'd probably respond defensively too.

I'd be more tactful than an 11 year old because I'm not a child, but if someone comes in spiky from the off, they can't expect daisies back.

"Hey - these peas come from my allotment and now that they've defrosted we can't use them. I'm sure it was a mistake leaving them in your room, but it's important things like this go back in the freezer right away. Can you make sure you do that for me next time?"

I have a hunch you might have got quite a different response...

Ostagazuzulum · 19/10/2020 21:42

At risk of sounding a bit cheesy but have a look at betaris box theory. Really
Simple stuff: my behaviour influences your behaviour, your behaviour influences my behaviour etc. It's actually very good logic. Explain that to her and your oh and it might help inject some harmony there and make you all think about your communications?