AIBU to not know how to deal with rude 11 y/o

[Funkyslippers]

DD2 was very rude to OH earlier. She'd taken a pack of peas from the freezer to soothe a small bump on her friend's head, on Saturday night. TBH I'd forgotten all about it until I found said pack of peas on her bedroom floor tonight.

DD2 refused to take any responsibility, saying "just refreeze them" or "have you ever heard of a shop?" when OH reminded her that he'd grown them in his allotment. He's taken her phone off her until she apologises, which she might do in the end, but probably won't mean it. She's now in her room and refusing to come out. I was hoping to have a nice evening with her but I'm not going to sweet talk her in order to get her to come out. She is often rude and answers back. I'm unsure what sort of punishment should be given as I always thought the punishment should fit the 'crime' (i.e. not coming off technology means no technology the next day etc). Can anyone help as I feel we're losing control and I should really grow some!!

I feel like this thread is an insight into why so many children suffer from mental health issues. The number of people who think it is appropriate to vilify and flagellate a child for a simple mistake is astounding.
I get that the peas were grown on an allotment and took a lot of work so your OH was disappointed/hurt that they had been spoiled. Why not talk to your DD about that rather than attacking her? She felt backed into a corner and is still navigating her emotions and learning to respond appropriately.

Her reaction was the problem, not the wasted peas.

[quote MsEllany]@rorosemary are you serious? This wasn't a reaction to the first aid, it was a reaction to backchatting [/quote]
Because she felt attacked for being distracted. It could have been handled so much better.

Have you thought to teacher the correct response?

What you mean DD is ‘sorry I forgot about the peas, I wasn’t sure what to do with them’

Perhaps her OH could learn to be civil to his daughter? I think most posters have been really harsh. I must be a really soft touch (I'm not) because I can't see how what she said was that bad. The removal of the phone was ridiculous as her parents know she'll apologise to get the phone back. Pointless exercise.

Exactly. Removing the phone just ensures your DD will be humiliated into giving you an insincere apology.
I know it is hard but parents have a responsibility to help their children learn and sometimes that means setting aside your own ego and explaining respectfully how their mistake impacts others without labeling them as bad and making them act defensively. Tweens and teenagers are not mini adults, their brain is still developing but it is changing and we have to have the good grace to adapt our treatment of them.

I don't use this in all situations but if DS does something that he has been told before a million times like putting his shirt in the basket he gets told 'we will pretend this shirt is in the basket shall we' which being on the receiving end if it was done to me I would find patronising and annoying BUT it reminds him without going into a big long night saga

It can be thought of as passive aggressive but he is reminded, I calm down and we move on.

I am not sure how punishing rudeness actually stops rudeness

@rorosemary what's that got to do with your earlier post? Are you the daughter?!

@Wearywithteens Talk to your teenager like the young adult they are - use humour, say you’re disappointed, take the piss, cagole and be a patient mentor. But don’t charge in enraged like they’ve committed the crime of the century and expect to get a mature response

This is a child of 11, not a young adult. I don't think anyone should be expecting a particularly mature response at that age (I have two, I should know!).

She's not a young adult. She's 11.

I’m really shocked at majority of the responses. No wonder the worlds in such a state. Your DD was rude and she’s obviously been getting away with it for a while.

Mine would be grounded with all privileges removed. She would be reminded that it’s manners and she has no right to speak to anyone that way. If the apology was sincere all would be reinstated.

Yeah, eating a bowl of cold peas and doing some gardening work will lead to your child going NC with their parents, and needing 17 years of therapy.

Guaranteed.

Man, there are a lot of out-and-out sadistic parents in my circle. With happy, well-developed, spirited, respectful kids. Go figure?

No peas for a fortnight. Honestly, she made a mistake but please commend her for looking after her friend.

Change the wifi password. The peas weren’t a mistake - it was nice she tried to help her friend but not returning them to the freezer was thoughtless and lazy and wasteful. The rude and sarcastic behaviour is unacceptable. People should not talk like that to each other.

You need to nip the rudeness in the bud right now. This is the age they test the waters and learn what they can get away with and when you try to teach them to be kinder years down the line it'll be too late.

I see some teenagers swearing at their parents like they're talking to their friends. I couldn't have got away with that as a teenager, I got taught good behaviour.

Your DD, like many 11year olds, sounds careless and defensive. I would have a word with her about her rudeness every single time, but forcing her to apologise seems fruitless. Give her phone back. Give peas a chance.

@Funkyslippers

DD2 was very rude to OH earlier. She'd taken a pack of peas from the freezer to soothe a small bump on her friend's head, on Saturday night. TBH I'd forgotten all about it until I found said pack of peas on her bedroom floor tonight.

DD2 refused to take any responsibility, saying "just refreeze them" or "have you ever heard of a shop?" when OH reminded her that he'd grown them in his allotment. He's taken her phone off her until she apologises, which she might do in the end, but probably won't mean it. She's now in her room and refusing to come out. I was hoping to have a nice evening with her but I'm not going to sweet talk her in order to get her to come out. She is often rude and answers back. I'm unsure what sort of punishment should be given as I always thought the punishment should fit the 'crime' (i.e. not coming off technology means no technology the next day etc). Can anyone help as I feel we're losing control and I should really grow some!!

It all got out of hand didn't it?

She forgot about the peas. If this were my daughter I would have said something along the lines of ' thanks very much for leaving these on your bedroom floor'.

If she had been cheeky back I would have responded by saying don't you dare speak to me like that young lady'

That would have been it.

Your DH needs to pick his battles and punishments better, OP. I know even as adult if someone shouted at me for something I'd not done on purpose and out of an original good intention I might feel quite pissed off and lash out as well. My dad was very critical and used to get angry for really minor things which would lead to a row and really affected our relationship. I was such a good child and teenager, there was nothing at all to be so critical of and it also affected my self-esteem and made me far too hard on myself for a long time.

It's annoying about the peas, but it was probably forgetful rather than lazy and getting them out in the first place came from a good intention to help her friend. I also grow veg in the garden so I know how annoyed DH must have felt.

I imagine though if he had spoken calmly and said that it was really nice of her to help her friend and I expect you just forgot about the peas, and didn't realise they couldn't be refrozen, and then explained the effects she probably would have said "Oh, I'm sorry, dad," and that would be the end of it. He could still have that calm conversation with her now, in fact.

IMO we should not be bringing up our daughters to be polite at all times, but to know when to be polite and to know when to be bloody bolshy, assertive and risk coming across as rude. And expect them to test boundaries with us and get it wrong at times.

What a carry on over basically nothing.
You're in for a rough few years with teenagers if this is what happens over some peas.

Also OH?
Other half?
Are you not a whole person.

I would be making her help to plant and raise the pea plants next time so she can see the effort that goes into it and appreciate why her dad was annoyed.

Your OH didn’t deal with it particularly well- understandably you could say, because he was annoyed. Your DD responded to the criticism badly- 100% understandably, because she’s 11 and hasn’t developed more mature ways to deal with criticism yet (some adults never develop these skills). To deal with someone criticising you directly in a mature way, you have to be able to take a deep breath think - ok, what they’re saying is actually fair enough (if it is), and be able to apologise- this is actually really hard to do in the moment, even for most adults- most people react defensively first and then may or may not apologise later.

If it were me I’d go and talk to her. Not with a list of privileges she loses when she’s rude etc, just talk to her like a human being who is eleven and leaning about how to handle these kinds of situations, tell her why your OH reacted like he did, and explain how you get why she felt defensive, but how she could have handled it differently.

You are over reacting. “Just refreeze them” sounds like the most sensible comment anyone said in this scenario. Your DH was blowing it out of all proportion and it is no wonder she got defensive. If this is how you normally speak to her, I am not surprised she is sometimes “rude”. Sounds like you both speak to her quite rudely too.

If it were me I’d go and talk to her. Not with a list of privileges she loses when she’s rude etc, just talk to her like a human being who is eleven and leaning about how to handle these kinds of situations, tell her why your OH reacted like he did, and explain how you get why she felt defensive, but how she could have handled it differently.

Good suggestion. In these situations, it's always useful to take a step backwards and think about what you want to achieve. Do you want to humiliate her? Do you want to browbeat and punish her into submission or an insincere apology? Or do you want her to understand that her actions affect others and therefore she needs to be more considerate in future?

So many parents seem to think that discipline is about establishing their dominance over their children. They themselves can rant and shout and demand "respect", but because they're the parents, any "cheek" or "backchat" in return (even if just following their example) needs to be aggressively punished and stamped out until the "enemy" (the child) is completely subdued and submissive. In reality, your job as a parent is to guide your child as to what acceptable behaviour looks like and how to deal appropriately with high-conflict situations. You're not at war with your child. You need to get her (and your OH) on the same page, so you're working towards the same outcome, which is to live in a happy home where you all show respect for each other. She may need to be reminded of this frequently, but punishment and losing control should be a last resort.

I have two 11 year olds. I find the jump to secondary has caused new behaviour challenges, over stepping the mark and rudeness/sarcasm. The sarcasm comes from me and dh but we don't use it to hurt, however the dc haven't learned yet time and place.
We're doing a mixture of punishment and talking /explanations based discussion about behaviour. It is wearing as its constant but I see it as me leading them into the next stage of life, as young people. I'm thinking about what relationship do I want with them as teenagers and setting the seeds today. It's not easy but they want to push boundaries and just don't think about thr world around them yet.