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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not know how to deal with rude 11 y/o

85 replies

Funkyslippers · 19/10/2020 19:55

DD2 was very rude to OH earlier. She'd taken a pack of peas from the freezer to soothe a small bump on her friend's head, on Saturday night. TBH I'd forgotten all about it until I found said pack of peas on her bedroom floor tonight.

DD2 refused to take any responsibility, saying "just refreeze them" or "have you ever heard of a shop?" when OH reminded her that he'd grown them in his allotment. He's taken her phone off her until she apologises, which she might do in the end, but probably won't mean it. She's now in her room and refusing to come out. I was hoping to have a nice evening with her but I'm not going to sweet talk her in order to get her to come out. She is often rude and answers back. I'm unsure what sort of punishment should be given as I always thought the punishment should fit the 'crime' (i.e. not coming off technology means no technology the next day etc). Can anyone help as I feel we're losing control and I should really grow some!!

OP posts:

Pushingtheenvelope · 19/10/2020 21:43

You need to read “how to talk so teens listen”. The way your OH approached her was guaranteed to make her defensive. You need boundaries around respect etc, but the attitude of ‘not letting her get away with it’ (while understandable!) is not helpful particularly as she gets older.

nimbuscloud · 19/10/2020 21:47

She is often rude and answers back.

And what happens when she is rude? If it’s a regular occurrence - and not just a once off- then there needs to be sanctions.

Iggly · 19/10/2020 21:47

Maybe calm down a little.

Sounds like your OH was a bit precious because he grew the peas. But ultimately they’re just peas and she made a mistake.

My 11 year old can be rude but better to ignore or have a discussion later about it when he’s calmed down rather than come down hard on punishments.

I figure that if you issue overly ridiculous punishments for the relatively minor things, where does that leave you when they really push boundaries?

If my child is rude, I pull them up on it. But I would not punish by removing something unless it’s a really serious transgression. Sarcasm isn’t massively serious to me and can be dealt with by a talking to.

Iggly · 19/10/2020 21:49

I’ll add - my 11 year old answers back. But on reflection I think it’s because I’m too harsh. I was discussing with DH the other day and realise I need to adjust my parenting a bit. He’s getting older, he needs to be given more responsibility and more trust. When I treat with more respect, then it’s nicer all around.

Girlzroolz · 19/10/2020 21:55

If that were my child, they’d be having the now unfrozen peas, ungarnished, alone in a bowl for dinner. Cold.

Have to be eaten, so natural consequence ticked.

Equal amount of consideration for the feelings of others (in the preparation of the meal), also a natural consequence.

I’d add a morning’s work down at the allotment, to register the time and effort it takes to grow things from scratch.

Even if the ‘crimes’ are just carelessness and a mid-level rude retort, I’d be stamping that out quick-smart. Their job is to push against us, ours is to show clearly which principles we will not budge on. Carelessness and sass grow into entitlement and antisocial rudeness if unchecked, so I will happily give my kids the gift of my insight on that stuff, early and clearly.

Side note: non gardeners on this thread feel free to substitute something you’ve put many hours effort into, for the peas. Homegrown is really not the same as the OP saying ‘bog-standard supermarket cheap peas’.

sabrinaq · 19/10/2020 22:11

On holiday I was chatting with a dad and he broke off to tell off his daughter for being rude. He did it quite cleverly though, by giving her a route back to grace. Something like - if you talk to me like that again we will go home, you have 5 minutes to think about that. He told me that he was senior in the army and an old trick is to give young recruits the opportunity to change direction without losing face. And to stop situations escalating to a place that the recruit doesn't want to go to. Just mentioning I'm in case helpful.

Cheeeeislifenow · 19/10/2020 22:11

@girlz
That's ridiculous. If it was a pack of peas from the shop, your oh wouldn't have been annoyed.
In a perfect world your oh would have said" DD, that was so nice the way you helped your friend, but you forgot bro put the peas back in the freezer, we can't use them, next time just pop them back if you can please". Your dd would have said, "oops no problem, sorry".
But it's not a perfect world, your oh snapped ( by the sound of it) and your dd snapped back. I would try and be mindful of using accusatory tones and think about framing a request with a positive first and using the same respectful tone that you want back.

madcatladyforever · 19/10/2020 22:13

All teens and preteens should be sent to borstal in my opinion.

RunBackwards · 19/10/2020 22:18

Children really do only mimic how they're spoken to. When OH was telling her about the peas/allotment, was he being perfectly pleasant and polite in his tone?

Who suggested peas for the bump? I wouldn't have allowed home grown peas. I've never managed to grown enough to cook for a meal, let alone freeze, they get eaten straight from the pod here

Anyway, home grown peas weren't a suitable ice pack, they shouldn't go back in the freeze after being used that way, regardless if it was an hour or 24 hrs later. They could have been "saved" by making soup, which they could have done together and would have been a friendlier, more constructive way to deal with it as well as a natural consequence.

Sewrainbow · 19/10/2020 22:24

I have an 11 yr old ds acting similarly at the moment, whether it's a developmental stage I dont know but I dont like it.

I think a lot of people on this thread are being rather disingenuous going on about the peas etc. It's the sarcasm, the lack of awareness about cost and waste and where things come from. Yes peas cost pennies but what if it was something more expensive or the family were on a tight budget?

I pull mine up on it every time but its wearing and disappointing and I want my child to be more considerate of other people.

Scrunchcake · 19/10/2020 22:30

@sabrinaq I like that a lot

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/10/2020 22:30

It was a bag of peas! She probably thought that was a bit of a ridiculous thing to be given into trouble for. I would have to agree.
It depends what your oh reaction was to finding the peas really.

RunBackwards · 19/10/2020 22:33

I'm actually shocked at everyone dismissing the bag if peas (yes, I know it's not really the issue anyway). It was a bag if home grown peas, hours of work and even if it were supermarket peas, it's wasted food. It is worth being upset over. It's right that she learns not to waste them, but there has to be politeness on both sides.

missyB1 · 19/10/2020 22:33

No she wasn’t justified in being defensive and giving him back chat. Her immediate response should have been to apologise not to be a smart arse.
I have an 11 year old ds and he would be shot down in flames if he spoke to me or his dad like that.

ittooshallpass · 19/10/2020 22:34

Your DH's initial mistake was to be hostile to her over the peas. Pointing out the mistake with good-humoured mock exasperation would have been sufficient and would probably have triggered a "sorry dad, I won't do that again" instead of a hostile response in return. Instead, you both escalated the situation.

This ^^

Northofsomewhere · 19/10/2020 22:35

What used to get to be at that age (an any age) was appealing to the emotional aspect in me. We've all heard the "I'm not angry just disappointed" and while this isn't the right situation to pull it out I think you could do something similar. Have a chat with her about the effort gone into growing them and why her dismissiveness was very inappropriate and hurtful. Compare it to something she works hard on (a hobby?) And ask how she'd feel - you might still get a naff reply but she'll be thinking about it.
Tell her now she's approaching adulthood you expect to her to talk to you like she is one and outline the punishments for not keeping to it (sliding scale depending on offense and frequency) and in return you will also talk to her in an age appropriate way. Start now before she really does start being rude in every conversation. My mum (single parent) didn't tolerate any back chat and we regularly got sent to bed even in our teens - it worked, normally we just needed a nap and a chance to think.

SeasonFinale · 19/10/2020 22:36

@missyB1

No she wasn’t justified in being defensive and giving him back chat. Her immediate response should have been to apologise not to be a smart arse. I have an 11 year old ds and he would be shot down in flames if he spoke to me or his dad like that.

This^

The phone remains confiscated until she can learn to be civil.

DolphinsAndNemesis · 19/10/2020 22:41

I agree with MessAllOver. Good post.

Scweltish · 19/10/2020 22:44

Oh dear lord, your oh’s response and some of these replies 🙄 your little girl tried to help her injured friend and forgot to put the peas away. It was an accident. Considering this is your response to an annoying but pretty much non issue, yet your dd is rude, it goes to show you’re going wrong somewhere. I’d have been disappointed about the peas (I’m an avid gardener and peas are my favourite!) but I wouldn’t have caused all these issues over a mistake. My children are respectful and never rude. I think your dd is responding defensively against her parents unnecessary attacks

Scweltish · 19/10/2020 22:53

@Girlzroolz

If that were my child, they’d be having the now unfrozen peas, ungarnished, alone in a bowl for dinner. Cold.

Have to be eaten, so natural consequence ticked.

Equal amount of consideration for the feelings of others (in the preparation of the meal), also a natural consequence.

I’d add a morning’s work down at the allotment, to register the time and effort it takes to grow things from scratch.

Pmsl. Is that you mum and dad? The little girls ‘crime’ was trying to sooth her friends head injury and she accidentally left the cold compress (peas) out. And her punishment for being kind but forgetful should be a severe telling off from mum and dad, a bowl of cold raw peas for dinner for ‘natural consequences’, plus physical labour down at the allotment. Because of course absent minded kindness should be ‘stamped out quick smart’ to prevent sass, entitlement and anti social rudeness. Get a grip you tit 😂 You sound like my parents, the reason why I was in therapy for 17 years and haven’t spoken to either of them for 20

MessAllOver · 19/10/2020 23:03

@Girlzroolz. If you are going to punish like that for a simple mistake and some minor rudeness, there's not a lot left to deal with more serious misbehaviour.

Also, if you actually followed through on those threats (especially the force-feeding, which I don't believe any normal parent would do for a second), you'd either have completely lost your self-control and sense of perspective or would be something of a sadist. Neither of which sets a good example for an impressionable pre-teen.

rorosemary · 19/10/2020 23:04

My god people, why would you react so harshly to someone doing first aid? Do you really think that the peas are important at a time like that? Of course she didn't think about the peas, she was concerned about the health of her friend and was distracted. Did she even get some praise for knowing what to do?

CI grow veggies, I understand how much work goes in them (although my peas didn't amount to much this year) but surely someones health is simply more important than that?

MsEllany · 19/10/2020 23:07

Backchat like that gets a short sharp 'Excuse me?!'. If continued, a 'don't speak to me like that', and if it still continues, next time would be 'go and spend five minutes to calm yourself and when you're ready to apologise for your attitude, you know where to find me.'

However - I would have said the peas need to go back in the freezer when you're done, now we can't use them. Make sure to remember that for next time. But obviously easy to say after the fact!

MsEllany · 19/10/2020 23:09

@rorosemary are you serious? This wasn't a reaction to the first aid, it was a reaction to backchatting

Justmuddlingalong · 19/10/2020 23:17

I do usually wait until the situation has calmed down but I do feel she needs to apologise for her attitude.
I would deal with it there and then. Trying to avoid it escalating doesn't help imo. Pull her up immediately rather than letting her think she's gotten away with rudeness.

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