AIBU to not know how to deal with rude 11 y/o

[Funkyslippers]

DD2 was very rude to OH earlier. She'd taken a pack of peas from the freezer to soothe a small bump on her friend's head, on Saturday night. TBH I'd forgotten all about it until I found said pack of peas on her bedroom floor tonight.

DD2 refused to take any responsibility, saying "just refreeze them" or "have you ever heard of a shop?" when OH reminded her that he'd grown them in his allotment. He's taken her phone off her until she apologises, which she might do in the end, but probably won't mean it. She's now in her room and refusing to come out. I was hoping to have a nice evening with her but I'm not going to sweet talk her in order to get her to come out. She is often rude and answers back. I'm unsure what sort of punishment should be given as I always thought the punishment should fit the 'crime' (i.e. not coming off technology means no technology the next day etc). Can anyone help as I feel we're losing control and I should really grow some!!

Wow. Some of these replies make it clear why working with teenagers is getting harder & harder. I will not tolerate being spoken to rudely at work (school) & will always pull kids up on it - some posters’ attitudes to how their children behave are setting them up for conflict as they get older.

@Saltycinnamon. But presumably you model good behaviour to your students? So, while you expect politeness and good behaviour from them (and make this clear in no uncertain terms), you also show them respect and consideration?

No wonder so many kids don’t know how to behave, judging from some of the replies here. She got told off (rightly and not harshly) and her response was rude, so she got punished. Fair. From some of the thoughts here, the dad should be picking the peas up off the floor himself and thanking her for her insights.

MessAllOver

She wasn’t disrespected in any way.

Of course! Sadly some respond in a very negative way to anything less than positive being said. Ignoring outright rudeness (which I think was) & letting them calm down, talking about it later etc etc is all fine advice but it doesn’t teach the children to manage themselves - which they need to learn to do. In a school setting where I might teach 180 kids in a day & interact with upwards of 1000 (on duty, canteen etc) you can’t just ignore this stuff as it grows. Allowing a child to speak to me in such a dismissive way, in front of others, is not how I’m going to stay in this job!

Or - more importantly - have a happy, safe & respectful classroom where children can actually learn.

@Saltycinnamon. I agree absolutely that you need to maintain order in a school environment to enable the students to learn effectively. I just think a good-natured, "Come on now, you know you don't talk to teachers like that. Would you like to re-phrase that?" diffuses the situation better than an immediately outraged and aggressive response. Remembering back to my school days, the teachers we respected the least were the ones who lost it and ranted indiscriminately at the class. The teachers we respected the most were the firm but fair ones who kept their cool even when removing misbehaving students from the class. Easier said then done sometimes, though, I imagine for the poor teacher who has to deal with it every day!

I think it's a question of bringing them along with you if you can (which I'm sure you try to do anyway). When my DS and nephew and niece or their friends are rude or don't ask for things nicely, I make a joke of it and pretend that it's not them speaking ("Harry would never speak like that, he's such a polite boy. Who is this alien who has invaded his body?") or that I can't hear them asking until they talk politely. I agree that rudeness should not be tolerated, but if possible you want to end the situation with everyone feeling good about themselves and back on track and positivity restored. But you're right that there probably are some extreme cases who won't respond to this approach...the OP will presumably know whether her DD is in this category.

I think you have done the right thing. She's only 11. If you don't pull her up now on her rudeness, imagine what she will be like at, say, 15 years old.

I just think a good-natured, "Come on now, you know you don't talk to teachers like that. Would you like to re-phrase that?" diffuses the situation better than an immediately outraged and aggressive response.

Firstly, nobody in this situation appears to have been aggressive or outraged. And secondly, this is part of the issue Salty appears to be describing: when the child who has been rude or has done something wrong is attempting to police exactly how her behaviour is corrected (you weren’t nice to me!) the focus is removed from the problem, which was the behaviour. It’s absolutely reasonable to say, “You shouldn’t be doing that. Please stop.” You don’t have to sound like Mrs Doyle all the time, and the idea that your kids will respect you for it is complete nonsense. They will just know you’re scared to be firm and will behave accordingly.

Spot on @MessAllOver. I was never rude to teachers and always a good student, but I can't count the times teachers were rude and disrespectful to me for no good reason. So if teachers have to think more carefully how they talk to teenagers 30 years later then this is a good thing.