How do people afford to buy so much?

[Ilovexmastime35]

Aibu to be confused about where I'm going wrong?! Of course everyone's financial situation is different and for those earning well it is no problem paying out for clothes/shoes etc.
But for low - mid earners, how do you afford things? I see people on social media going out regularly, days out, holidays, clothes, city breaks, seaside trips, buying new technology etc. I know what jobs they do and they are not high earners. How are they doing this?

I want to treat my kids to a day out over half term. I've just looked at booking tickets to a local safari park for 2 adults 2 children. It comes to £145!!
I was looking at a local meet Santa on a train event, £80! We can't do it because if I bought those tickets I wouldn't have any money left for anything else for a month.
I think these prices are extortionate and for low-mid earners most people cannot afford these prices.

I need new clothes, boots and a coat desperately. I'm plus size so cannot shop at Primark. The cheapest I can find is a cardigan is priced £34.99. A coat over £59. I just cannot afford these things! My clothes have holes in and my shoes leak!

Im unable to work at the moment ,but my husband earns just over 50k. After all bills, food, fuel, we have about £200 disposal income to last a month. We don't drink, smoke, we don't eat out or socialise. Our money goes on the children and the house. There is never a penny left over for us.

I think in comparison to wages, most things are priced too high. I'm grateful we have a roof over our heads and can afford food but everthing else seems out of reach!. My husband is senior management, he can't earn any more than he does now. We are not frivolous at all. Any advice on how to afford these things apart from getting into debt?

Having read the thread it's not about how other people afford stuff. Other people afford stuff because they share money and don't have an abusive arse of a husband who give them "housekeeping" pocket money as if they were a child.

@Ilovexmastime35

The reason is because we both used to work full time up until 10 years ago. We both earned the same. (low earners). We both had seperate Bank accounts and one joint account that bills came out of. We paid 50/50 into the joint account for all bills etc and the rest was our own to spend on what we want. We then had 2 kids and i now can't work due to health problems but can't claim any benefits. The bank accounts have remained seperate but I don't earn anything!

We did once try a joint account, and he went through every single purchase/spend that I'd made and questioned me on it. I hated it!! So we went back to seperate again. He gives me 250 + the child benefit to buy food, petrol for my car and my phone bill. There is never enough just for these things each month and my mum has to give me more. He thinks it's completely adequate and I should be able to buy everything with that easitl, including my clothes!

This is definitely financial abuse, OP. Expecting you to feed 4 people, and clothe 3 people, plus pay for treats/days out for the children on less than £350 a month is ludicrous, especially when he's bringing home £3k a month.

When only one parent is working, all the money is family money imo. You are entitled to know where that money is going. If you have a massive mortgage, then there might not be a lot left after paying that and all the household bills. But if the mortgage isn't huge, what's he doing with the rest of the money? Does he have expensive hobbies, is he buying his suits on Savile Row, is the car loan loads because he's driving round in a flashy car?

Decisions about discretionary spending should be made jointly. Shoes that don't leak should be a higher priority than some other things imo.

I think you need to explain to him that what he's giving you isn't enough, and see what he says.

I would have a chat with DH pronto! As above PP said you are not in a good position if he has had a big pay rise and is keeping it for himself!Maybe look around for a job ? He is being financially controlling here ,and treating you like a child who cant be trusted with "his money" FFS!

OP - If he will not stop his financial abuse and enable joint budgeting and consensual agreements about money I would go back to work. Get the highest salary you can. Pay for childcare on half the days you work, leave him to pay childcare or stay at home on the other days.

Failing that, leave him.

Someone as mean as this will be selfish with the money. While you are a SAHM you are not building a pension pot.

He is treating you like a paid housekeeper, doling out an allowance. You are his wife, an equal and joint owner of the assets of the marriage. He needs to respect that.

You could try couples counselling. You must feel terrible resentment towards him - I would feel humiliated.

The answer is that people can afford to buy these things because they’re not being financially abused by their partners

Second incomes make an enormous difference, even if they're small. If as a household you're surviving on your husband's 50k with a tiny bit leftover, if you were earning 15k, that would be 15k that could all be spent on clothes, days out etc. (for the household obviously). Not saying you should or could, but I think that's where a lot of families are getting their 'fun' money. Even a very part-time income goes a long way if it isn't needed for actual living costs. As you've said you can't work for health reasons, do look into PIP.

In terms of family finances and budgets, even if he is practically the one administering them, there's no reason they can't be transparent. Having access to online statements etc. does not equal having a card for spending from the account. If he just likes to budget in cash for groceries/petrol/phone, that's one thing. If he doesn't want you to know that there is more there, that's a very different circumstance and smacks of financial control.

What would happen if you refused to ask your mum for money? Would he be able to provide money for food by curbing his own spending/saving or would the cupboard sit empty? How aggressive are his pension contributions? You've said that if you ask for money for a haircut, he wouldn't withhold it but he says you don't need new clothes. That sounds odd. Does he think that your clothes are fine and can't see the need? What would happen if you asked him for money for kids entertainment rather than trying to squeeze it from the grocery budget? Would he respond "I wish we could, but we haven't got it this month" or "they don't need entertaining"? Having a smaller budget than you'd like isn't financial control. Ignoring the needs and wishes of your family to prioritise your own spending/future to their detriment is.

I've been in your position, but my husband was frankly terrified of not being able to support the family and wasn't earning as much as he had hoped to in his job (variable income through commissions and bonuses). I was earning minimally part-time from home because I had 3 pre-schoolers. Transparency with finances changed everything and took our issues from control and resentment to teamwork. I'm not suggesting that you're in the same boat, because I don't know. But I'm not sure you know either based on your answers and that would be the first step to take.

We have a healthy household income now, but my husband still has around a quarter of the clothes I do, and never buys anything for the house. They aren't important to him. He does recognise that they are important to me though, and while we will always be in compromise rather than agreement on these things, that compromise is reached mutually. You can't do that if you don't know what he's working with, so step one is to ask to see the accounts. If he won't do that, you've got your answer.

I can see where you're coming from. I always wondered how my best friend could afford everything and be on a lower wage than me. Turns out she's much more comfortable with having debt. When she met her husband, he paid her £20,000 debt off She's just recently told me that their joint debt is now £30,000. I couldn't sleep at night with that over my head but they don't see a problem with it.

I think many people put their stuff on the never, never.

I know a family who spend a huge amount on luxuries. They should have a lot of money as they have high paid jobs (approx 500k a year between them plus bonuses), but they live way beyond their means. I know they have taken out big loans, have credit card debts and are heavily mortgaged. They just do not stop spending and anyone who didn't know, would think they were extremely well off, and like I said they should be, but they actually come to us every few months begging for money - we always refuse to bail them out, but they seem to get lucky or find someone else to borrow from, pay what they owe and begin the whole process again. It's insane.

Cannot wrap my head around this set up at all. If I were your mum and having to pay for your basics because your husband is a tight fisted twat I'd be sitting you both down and shaming the life out of him before paying for your divorce lawyer.

Is there no way at all you can work, especially from home in the current circumstances??

OP he is completely taking advantage of you. If he is taking home £3K (after a nice amount has gone into his pension pot), and the mortgage and bills are around £1.5 (working on a house worth 3-4 x his previously salary, where the fudge is the other £1.2K a months going??
I'm guessing to his own little savings account or playtime.

50k is damn good

50k is a decent salary me & dh earn less than that between us and we don't have any debt except mortgage.
I buy my clothes from supermarkets or on offer for example a lot of high street shops have 20% off emails and they all do plus size . I'd never spend £35 on a cardigan . I think last winter I bought my coat from Asda £20 .
Days out yes expensive but if you budget in other ways and again often there are offers .
I think you need to look how you manage your money so you can budget for these things . I can't believe you have holes in your clothes but you have £50k a year coming in . I know the cost of living is high but I think your living beyond your means .
Mortgage/car / food shops look at the cost of those.

It might be worth a chat to the GP too OP re your mental health / mental well-being.

Def budget everything out. If you shop online you might have records of what you've spent over the last month.

Could you spend your allocated money by doing a weeks worth of shopping, and other essentials etc which includes shoes and a coat (!) and then on week 2/3 say I've run out, here's the receipts rather than another month and then talk time of you in inadequate clothing?

I over eat due to comfort eating
This might well be due to you being so unhappy in your marriage rather than for health reasons.

You mentioned that he now earns over £50k so you are no longer eligible for child benefit, but what was happening to it when he was earning less? Whose account was it being paid into? Did you ever claim tax credits? Who got those?

We get a different season ticket each Christmas from my mum. Means we don't get presents ourselves but we can have days out all year. Also primark goes up to size 20. I got an amazing coat this weekend for £30.

@Jojobar - agreed that we don’t know if money is actually short and ops dh is controlling or if the budget is reasonable and op has been overspending in the past.

I’m a bit hmm at the £35 cardigans of which she needs more than one. She doesn’t sound like is living a thrifty life.

Just rtft. Sorry. To echo everyone else your DH sounds awful. Have you spoken to your GP for help with the eating?

I'm shocked at how most posters are surprised.

£50k sounds like a lot, but it's bugger all. Monthly take home of £3,136.67.

Ducks said : "between £500 and £1000 in savings a month." Really? That's impressive.

For most people mortgage may be £500-£1200. Food many £100's. Rates £190, water £50. It's easy to see where it all goes!

@crimsonlake he tells me we have 200 left.

We do have a nice life and if its something that he wants us to do then he will pay it no problem. We go on a yearly holiday for example.
But if its something I want to spend on, then it gets questioned. The kids get spoilt at Xmas time and birthdays, they have everything they could want.
Its just the day to day life costs that he doesn't seem to consider for me. Because I'm a sahm he seems to think that I don't need money because I don't go anywhere!

@RUOKHon

The answer is that people can afford to buy these things because they’re not being financially abused by their partners

This x 1000. So sorry you’re in this position, OP 💐

Not having a go at the OP but I wasn't sure about the £35 cardigans either. I would never spend that on a cardi, mine are from Primark or Asda (£8-15 usually). And they last forever, I'm wearing one today that I bought in 2016.

My point is tho that even if we could afford it I think things are far too expensive!! 35 pounds for a cardigan! I need multiple! Anything I have is second hand or charity shop but they don't always have my size

£35 for a cardigan???? A huge selection on Amazon for around £13.

I think he’s having you on, OP. This isn’t a money problem, this is a husband problem