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Original poster

How to help my best friend who constantly self sabotages

82 replies

Smudgingpastels · 18/10/2020 23:50

My wonderful, kind, generous bf is an extremely hardworking professional single mum, but despite a a group of us helping her out (dog walking, cleaning, emotional support) left to her own devices her home quickly becomes a tip with dog faeces everywhere etc , I do believe she is developing a hoarding habit too.

She has also got a crush on a married man and he is meeting up with her regularly but says he won't leave his wife as would be too guilty?!

She is going through a disciplinary at work and I believe this man is an escape from her day to day stresses.

I honestly am so worried about her and her home, her dc are teenagers at boarding school so only come home in the holidays but they do nothing to help around the house and as their dad was extremely abusive, they don't have a relationship with him.

No sooner is the house cleaned (she is very grateful for this help btw) it is back to square 1 within 24 hours and it is got to the point where no one wants to bother anymore, she used to have cleaners but the sheer mess made them all leave after a short while hence us stepping in to help her.

She is on anti depressants and gets help regularly for her mental health, as do her dc.

Wise mumsnetters what can I do? The others are wanting to wash their hands of it and are withdrawing from the friendship.

Wise

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 18/10/2020 23:54

What do YOU get out of the friendship?

eatsleepread · 19/10/2020 00:01

You're a very good friend and person.
I wouldn't have the patience for her in a million years. I am very anti-cheating, which doesn't help, but she'd annoy me in general I think.

Elizaaa · 19/10/2020 00:03

Wise mumsnetters what can I do?

Walk away and let her manage her own shitshow. Jfc

eatsleepread · 19/10/2020 00:04

Sorry, that was judgy. But if she refuses to help herself, then it's unlikely you'll break through to her. I'd definitely suggest counselling though.

QwertyGurty · 19/10/2020 00:13

Too much drama. As PP said, what do you get from the friendship?

She may be lovely, but happiness is an inside job. This woman's problems won't go away until she learns how to take more responsibility and put the work in with herself. Does she engage with any kind of therapy? Trauma informed talking therapies can really help. Until then nothing you do to support her will ever be enough and will drain you of your resources eventually unless you have very firm boundaries in place.

Sparklesocks · 19/10/2020 00:13

Unfortunately I think despite best intentions there’s only so much you can help people who don’t help themselves. You and your other friends generously cleaning her dog doo covered house is a good metaphor - things only stay clean for so long, and you can’t keep picking up the same messes forever if the person making them can’t stop.
In a way, even without intending so, you’re enabling her issues as she knows no matter what happens or what she does - her friends clear up for her (physically and emotionally). It might be that she needs to stand on her own two feet in order to fully understand her issues, be accountable and take the steps to improve her situation.

Is she getting therapy as part of her MH treatment? Can her doctors do more?

TheGirlWithAPrince · 19/10/2020 00:14

Meh, life's too short to deal with people like her.

seayork2020 · 19/10/2020 00:18

Other than you wanting to fix her to the way you think she should be I don't see what you get out of being friends with her?

Original poster
Smudgingpastels · 19/10/2020 00:20

She has mental health support. I honestly don't think she notices the mess anymore though. Her home was such a tip when I went round after she had invited me for a cup of tea that I just drank it in the garden, When she came to find me she trod in dog faeces as it was everywhere and stank and honestly that was the last straw for me and I made my excuses and left.

She has been randomly messaging me about unrelated news items and such like but I can no longer engage in such trivia when things are so wrong.

She has been my bf for 20 years and she is now nearly 50 years old, I would struggle just to drop the friendship as some have suggested because I care about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smudgingpastels · 19/10/2020 00:34

That's an interesting comment seayork about me wanting to fix her, she complains about being tired and overworked and we have stepped in to help.

Normally I would have washed up for her but I saw the mess, the grocery bags still full from not being unpacked from days ago outside the door and I honestly something change inside hence posting here.

What do you suggest I do? If I message her what should I say?

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 19/10/2020 00:38

More support somehow.

She's all over the place. Has she always been like this?

She looks after her kid ok?

Professional job-money-cleaner twice a week?

In the end people can only help themselves but I think the replies have been harsh- 30 years is a long time.

Also if she's a mess in the end that's not your problem. You can still be friends with her without trying to address all that.

Original poster
Smudgingpastels · 19/10/2020 00:47

Yes her dc are ok but are having counseling due to the fall out with the father.

It is worse than usual, yes.

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 19/10/2020 00:52

Are SS involved?

People only sort their shit out when they want. Sometimes never.

This is not actually your problem, hard as it is to feel that. You can be friends with her but it's not your responsibility.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 19/10/2020 01:03

She has to want to change. It's her choice to live this way and it's up to her to want to do something about it. Her house isn't your responsibility. You don't need to withdraw from the friendship but leave it up to her to clean her own house (and meet somewhere else!).

I helped a friend declutter and got her to arrange a charity collection for her excess furniture and a 'council large items' rubbish collection. She needed space to move around in her house and it was full of too much furniture and her housing association wanted it cleared for fire safety.

A few months later I visited and she'd been to the charity shop to try and see if her items were for sale and what they'd sold for. She'd bought virtually identical items to the ones she'd just got rid of because she had no room for them.

The next thing I hear is that the housing association are demanding she gets rid of the excess furniture again. She wanted my help again. I told her I wasn't well enough to be lugging furniture about again and she needed to get someone else to help this time. Other people keep stepping in and she keeps repeating the process.

Waveysnail · 19/10/2020 01:08

Why are the kids at boarding school?

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 19/10/2020 01:10

Leave. And take the dog with you so it doesn't end up living in its own shit and neglected.

You need to stop enabling her and preventing her from hitting rock bottom. She isn't stupid, she knows living in filth and dogshit isn't ok ........she just needs to care enough to do something about it.

Original poster
Smudgingpastels · 19/10/2020 01:14

SS were involved when they were with the father, but no longer.
She doesn't see the mess. Or if she does, blames the dogs or the dc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smudgingpastels · 19/10/2020 01:19

Wealthy family, can afford cleaners and she has always had them in the past but no longer as they they soon leave as no doubt can't deal with the mess.

OP posts:
Rainbowbagel · 19/10/2020 01:24

I wish I had friends like you OP, you sound simply wonderful x

ClaryFairchild · 19/10/2020 01:28

She probably needs a live in housekeeper tbh. If she can't keep it clean for even a day then there is no way you can help her.

If she's wealthy is that an option?

Coyoacan · 19/10/2020 01:45

I am really messy and have good friends but they don't come round and clean my house. Can you not just be friends without feeling that you have to do her housework?

TheyreComingToGetYouBarbara · 19/10/2020 02:10

I'd wash my hands of her, to be honest. I can't deal with the cheating aspect, and I'm not willing to repeatedly clean house for someone who could either do it herself or hire it done.

Some people apparently can't (or won't) help themselves, even with all the benefits of wealth at their disposal. It then becomes a question of how long you will put yourself out to help her. If all the other friends gradually drop her as a lost cause, how long can you keep up on your own?

I'm not surprised some of your friends have reached the end of their patience. We all have our limits.

user1471565182 · 19/10/2020 02:20

Tell her to watch Nighty Night.

SeekingAnswers3 · 19/10/2020 02:30

I’m not sure that you can do anything except what you’ve been doing and you can’t do that indefinitely. Your BF has got to want to change and unfortunately it doesn’t look like she wants to.

SummerHeatwave · 19/10/2020 02:42

This doesn't sound at all healthy for either you or her. Look up codependent relationships - is this what's happening here maybe?