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Original poster

How to help my best friend who constantly self sabotages

82 replies

Smudgingpastels · 18/10/2020 23:50

My wonderful, kind, generous bf is an extremely hardworking professional single mum, but despite a a group of us helping her out (dog walking, cleaning, emotional support) left to her own devices her home quickly becomes a tip with dog faeces everywhere etc , I do believe she is developing a hoarding habit too.

She has also got a crush on a married man and he is meeting up with her regularly but says he won't leave his wife as would be too guilty?!

She is going through a disciplinary at work and I believe this man is an escape from her day to day stresses.

I honestly am so worried about her and her home, her dc are teenagers at boarding school so only come home in the holidays but they do nothing to help around the house and as their dad was extremely abusive, they don't have a relationship with him.

No sooner is the house cleaned (she is very grateful for this help btw) it is back to square 1 within 24 hours and it is got to the point where no one wants to bother anymore, she used to have cleaners but the sheer mess made them all leave after a short while hence us stepping in to help her.

She is on anti depressants and gets help regularly for her mental health, as do her dc.

Wise mumsnetters what can I do? The others are wanting to wash their hands of it and are withdrawing from the friendship.

Wise

OP posts:
Thedevilscheesecake · 19/10/2020 03:05

You cannot help someone that does not want to help themselves.

pisspants · 19/10/2020 03:19

op I would arrange to meet her outside the house and if she asks then be honest. Or have her come round to yours? that way at least you don't have to see the mess and feel like you have to do something about it. You sound like an amazing friend.

CSIblonde · 19/10/2020 03:25

Are her meds working? If she's too depressed to bother about hygiene & the state of the place a review would be an idea. Have you tried drawing up a suggested cleaning schedule with her ? Dog faeces carries disease humans can catch ,does she even know that? I don't know the RSPCA on hoarding but I've seen them take dogs that were left surrounded by faeces day in day out, but were otherwise fed & watered. Maybe mention that to her too. After that id notify social services that she's living in squalor & needs support & then have done tbh. Theres only so much you can do if she's no motivation to even try helping herself.

GreyGreenVase · 19/10/2020 03:30

Tell her to get rid of the dogs. Seriously, that will help.

rainbowninja · 19/10/2020 04:50

Must be hard to see your friend in this state but there is only so much you can do. Why are the dog/dogs pooing inside? Can you offer to help rehome them?

Shadow9 · 19/10/2020 04:58

What doesnt kill you makes you stronger!

Lifeisabeach09 · 19/10/2020 05:20

She sounds emotionally draining.
This might sound harsh but she has money, her children are at boarding school so she doesn't have the day-to-day parenting stuff to deal with, has a job, likely secure housing, and is no longer with an abusive shit-head.
She needs therapy and a dose of other peoples' realities.
On another note, maybe she feels aimless, ungrounded and, definitely, unhappy.

Casschops · 19/10/2020 05:27

Encourage her to seek help and advise SS and RSPCA if conditions don't improve .
.

blackcat86 · 19/10/2020 05:31

There are a few things here. Firstly you have a responsibility to speak to ss regarding the children and RSPCA regarding the poor dog living in these conditions. Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility and you cannot have those DC returning home from boarding school to a shot filled house which her friends know about but no one has phoned ss because they are all busy trying to help. You can do this anon but personally I wouldn't and would let that end the friendship. If you continue to see her do so outside of the house. It sounds like she's happy for her friends to literally pick up shit whilst she's off pursuing a married man. Remember that SS will also be able to contact her MH team and tell them she is not coping, putting a family plan in place. The poor condition of the house, work difficulties, neglect of the dog etc are all indicators that she is not coping.

ukgift2016 · 19/10/2020 05:36

If mental health are involved, does she have her own keyworker or social worker? If so contact them.

If not, you can always make an online self referral to adult social care. Hoarding is considered self neglect- also it may be worth contacting environment health because of the concerns for her living conditions.

Maybe professionals coming in will give her the shake she needs. I would advise you step back now as it seems you and your friends are enabling this behaviour.

redcarbluecar · 19/10/2020 05:51

This is a tough one and you sound like a good friend. Withdrawing from the friendship doesn’t seem necessary, although can understand why others would have had enough.
I might be glossing over her MH issues a bit here, but could a bit of ‘tough love’ work maybe- a talking to? For example - you are not going to clean her house again unless she also makes an effort, and you are not going to clean actual shit off the floor.
I don’t know how you feel about the married man thing. I’d tell her I didn’t approve and ask her not to talk to me about it.
Try not to let her drain you - you deserve reciprocal support from a friendship. However difficult her situation, there’s a point after which SHE is fully responsible for it, and its consequences.

stripeydress7 · 19/10/2020 05:58

Since you've known her for 20 years I'd continue to help for the sake of her kids. Try and get her to re-home to dogs. Could she afford live in help? I'd also keep trying to find a cleaner for her. I had a very supportive cleaner when I was very unwell for a long period of time, she was more like a housekeeper.

CatteStreet · 19/10/2020 06:06

'It sounds like she's happy for her friends to literally pick up shit whilst she's off pursuing a married man.'

This from a PP jumped out at me. The behaviours and situations you describe all have a common theme of refusal of or escape from responsibility. Her children are away (so she'd not dealing with them), she's going throuhg a disciplinary (what for?), she's seeing a married man and she's letting her friends clean up for her only for it to descend into the same mess (akin, as a solution, to a repeated sticking plaster on a wound that needs stitching).
Don't try and find another cleaner for her - dealing with dog dirt is above and beyond a cleaner's call of duty. I'd be notifying SS and telling her you can't support her in this way any more.

IdblowJonSnow · 19/10/2020 06:13

You sound like a good friend op.
I'd take a step back. Dont meet at hers any more. Meet her for a walk/coffee outside a cafe/whatever you're allowed to do locally.
There is only so much you can do unfortunately.

Aridane · 19/10/2020 06:21

Meh, life's too short to deal with people like her

Thankfully not everyone thinks like that and there are decent people like the OP

Vello · 19/10/2020 06:24

She needs a live in carer that she can call a housekeeper. It will cost between 600 and 800 a week. There's almost no chance she will get any funding for it.

NeonGenesis · 19/10/2020 06:27

You can't help someone who won't help themselves. That doesn't mean that you stop being her friend, but I do think you need to stop trying to fix her.

Be supportive, keep in touch, maybe even offer advice if you think it appropriate, but drop this campaign to get her house in order. It will never be in order until she decides to make it that way. Every time you clean her house, that is all you are doing - cleaning her house. The mess will always come back because she will not keep on top of it.

Porridgeoat · 19/10/2020 06:32

Advertise for ‘support’ rather then a cleaner. Make it clear in the advertisement that the role will involve decluttering and organising in addition to cleaning. Dog lover a must. There will be people who would enjoy this challenge but not a cleaner who wants a normal cleaning job

NewYearNewTwatName · 19/10/2020 06:33

Have you spoken frankly with her about her Mental health? its sounds like she needs to change her therapy and meds.

She has been broken and she really needs better help putting herself back together.

Not all counselling and therapy are equal and different people respond to different sorts.

If you want to help, help her get the right treatment.

NewYearNewTwatName · 19/10/2020 06:34

that includes different meds.

Porridgeoat · 19/10/2020 06:34

Help her employ the right person. Have an honest conversation with her about what she needs that person to do each visit. Make a list with her and help her advertise and interview

Porridgeoat · 19/10/2020 06:35

You can still be friends but not tidy or clean.

RuffleCrow · 19/10/2020 06:41

Have a frank conversation with her. Tell her you love her but you're worried about her. Tell her the time has come for her to start taking responsibility for her own mess and that you won't be visiting again until the house is clean. If that doesn't happen you'll be calling social services. Tell her you're happy to meet up elsewhere but she has to make these changes. Tell her the mess is so bad her other friends are walking away. Infantilising a woman of nearly 50 isn't really helping her.

CiderJolly · 19/10/2020 06:41

Be there for her as a friend for a chat, cuppa at yours, whatever but don’t waste your energy trying to fix her problems because you can’t.
You could signpost towards organisations that offer support but I imagine she is perfectly capable of doing that herself.

Cailleach · 19/10/2020 06:44

She has long standing MH issues, hoards, and has problems with executive function - sadly this strongly suggests underlying neurological disorders which given her age she is unlikely to have ever been assessed for.

The following article may be of interest.

healthland.time.com/2012/08/07/inside-the-hoarders-brain-a-unique-problem-with-decision-making/