How to help my best friend who constantly self sabotages

[Smudgingpastels]

My wonderful, kind, generous bf is an extremely hardworking professional single mum, but despite a a group of us helping her out (dog walking, cleaning, emotional support) left to her own devices her home quickly becomes a tip with dog faeces everywhere etc , I do believe she is developing a hoarding habit too.

She has also got a crush on a married man and he is meeting up with her regularly but says he won't leave his wife as would be too guilty?!

She is going through a disciplinary at work and I believe this man is an escape from her day to day stresses.

I honestly am so worried about her and her home, her dc are teenagers at boarding school so only come home in the holidays but they do nothing to help around the house and as their dad was extremely abusive, they don't have a relationship with him.

No sooner is the house cleaned (she is very grateful for this help btw) it is back to square 1 within 24 hours and it is got to the point where no one wants to bother anymore, she used to have cleaners but the sheer mess made them all leave after a short while hence us stepping in to help her.

She is on anti depressants and gets help regularly for her mental health, as do her dc.

Wise mumsnetters what can I do? The others are wanting to wash their hands of it and are withdrawing from the friendship.

Wise

I would assume she was having a breakdown,if this was a new situation if it has been going on a long time ,I would assume she was depressed.
I’d try saying her children won’t want to come home to this mess ,I expect even the dog is unhappy standing in its own shit.
I think I’d try to get a team of cleaners in to declutter and clean the house ,and she has to keep on top of it as you are not getting involved again.say to her it’s the last thing you are doing for her ,untill she starts to help herself.

I did have a thought
Autism ,it could be why she’s getting in a pickle.
Autism is in our family quite a bit ,not that it helps the situation,but it might go some way to explain it

Without the dog poo issue, would a cleaner/housekeeper be doable ? Could she afford someone for a couple of hours every day or every other day ? Why is there dog poo everywhere ? Has the dog not been house trained , is it being left too long to hold it in ? a puppy or very elderly dog ? How about doggy day care for when she is at work , so the dog is out of the house during the day ?
She sounds like a mess mentally, until her head is in a better place, I doubt you will see an improvement in her surroundings.

Sadly you can't diagnose over the internet.

I wouldn't think its autism, she's living with the aftermath of being abused. Not everyone can suddenly bounce back once the abuse stops. she doesn't just have scares from it, she's got a gaping wound that's still seeping. She needs Help to heal.
no amount of cleaning will do that, and it's not a case of her stepping up and taking responsibility and cleaning she cant.

Get her better help with her trauma, and in the mean time if she needs a carer then she needs a carer.

You sound like a wonderful caring person and a good friend, but I think your kindness is also enabling her dysfunction and you're being used as a prop so she never has to take responsibility for her life. Unfortunately with the best will in the world, you cant save someone from themselves. Step back. Shes been offered a lot of help and support and keeps going for the self destructive choices. Why do you think that is? And is your well meaning help actually stopping her from facing up to her inadequacies and getting (perhaps professional) help to sort it all out? Because she doesnt seem to use the help you give her as a starting point to help herslf. she just slides right back into mess and chaos. Step back and take care of yourself. It sounds like she does a pretty good job of surviving despite all the crises and dramas. Sorry to be cynical....but I think youre being used as a crutch and it will drain you on every level.

I think id stay friends but stop going to her house, and stop trying to fix someone that isnt doing the majority of the work to fix themselves first.
Its one thing giving someone a hand. Its another thing constantly digging them out of a pit of their own making.
Id go back to meeting outside for the odd coffee and chat, but apart from that, you need to work on your own boundaries too.

A lot of us have helper tendencies and that can be a beautiful character trait but you need to know when to reign it in, or it WILL be taken advantage of, at great cost to you.
If you assert boundaries and know your limits, the friendship stands a better chance. Her problems are not your problems

Id tell her to get a daily housekeeper who is happy to clear up dog poo, unpack her shopping, do the laundry etc. Get the house in order and then someone else can stay on top of it. Offer to help her find someone make the place reasonable for their start and then step back.

Tell her your plan and be firm and honest about why you're doing it.

Is the dog being fed? I'm just thinking that you said groceries were left on the doorstep.

Is she about to be fired? Will things take a downward turn if she is?

Does she see her boyfriend at her house in all that filth?

What does she say when you clean up and is she embarrassed when you come around a few days later and it's a mess again or doesn't she care?

Does she make an effort to clean up when her children come home from boarding school?

Has she passed any remarks on her other friends dropping her?

Are you sure she's not using you?

I'd think about all these things and act accordingly.

I'd be reporting the dog to the rspca. Ss should be involved too.

It's not your job to help her in that way. A one off is okay, bit not continuously! I would withdraw physical help, and offer a chat on the phone instead. I couldn't visit when theres dog poop everywhere, in the garden and a mess inside too. I think she leaves everything in the belief that you will come and clean up. You cant keep doing this forever.

You don’t have to drop her as a friend but you do need to explain your boundaries to her. Cleaning her home wasn’t supporting her it was enabling her.

You are desperate for her to change but you need to accept that she doesn’t want to.

This is really sad, and you sound like an amazing and supportive friend, but it reminds me of what Al Anon say: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. All these cleaning up efforts to no avail are costing you emotionally but are not really making a dent in how your friend feels.

I certainly wouldn't leave her as a friend, and I would carry on being supportive but with some detachment if that's possible, given the longevity of your friendship. Nothing will make her change until she has decided that change is what she wants, however hard that is to acknowledge and witness.

She sounds like she’s struggling with her MH. Has she been assessed recently to see if she needs additional help or if there are other MH problems that haven’t been identified yet?

She has time to meet up with a married man but not enough time to unpack her shopping? I had a friend at Uni who was hyper like this. She was always busy, always on the go, but totally chaotic in her study and in her home. The constant activity was a sign of deeper MH problems.

Has she given any reason why she can’t keep her house clean? Her DC aren’t there so it would be much easier. I understand people who’re living in filth and/or hoarding because sorting things must seem an insurmountable task, but here this woman is being helped yet can’t even maintain the cleanliness. That’s worrying.

I’d have an honest chat with her. Say she’s at risk of someone reporting her dog’s situation, ask her why she can’t do simple household jobs. Tell her you’re worried about her. That way you’ve given her a chance in case she just doesn’t see his bad things are.

But I wouldn’t tidy or clean again. The problem is in her and tidying the house won’t solve it.

how not his

This sounds really hard for you but the things you have been doing don't seem to be helping her. You are not responsible. I would just arrange to meet up away from her home. If you are worried about the pets and children's welfare you need to report the situation as you seem to gave done all you can. The only other thing you could do I'd ask her if you can talk to her MH worker to tell them you ve been helping but you have to step back now. You are a good friend.

I think it's a two pronged attack here. She really needs to address her MH issues by starting with the GP, additional therapy and some really hard work by herself.
The second is her house, dogs and life management skills. Ideally having a housekeeper/carer in every afternoon from 2 to 6 to clean, sort, shop, dog walk etc, leaving her time to concentrate on getting better.
I doubt there is much you can do about the married man, but shagging such a vulnerable adult makes him a super shit.

Hang on, she has kids who come home for the holidays to a house full of dog shit and a mother with mental health issues who clearly isn't coping?

Social Services territory. Obviously I'm guessing they're teenagers, but they're still kids and this is incredibly damaging for them. How has nobody reported this?

Just because they're wealthy doesn't mean they're not neglected. And they've witnessed their parents' abusive relationship as well. Jesus Christ, any kid deserves better care than this. People are talking about reporting the dogs to the RSPCA (also a good possibility), but surely the kids deserve an intervention at least as much as the fucking dogs.

Does the married man have sex with her in that house?

Honestly OP, I would call SS. This is what her DC will be coming home to and she doesn’t seem to understand that it’s an issue.The DC maybe at boarding school but boarding out then coming home to a disengaged mother and a shithole biohazard of a house will fuck them right up.

SS need to go in and see the mess for themselves, then they can offer both the appropriate support and give the mother a kick up the arse. Don’t be lulled by the fact that the DC are educated away from home, because that house is their home, and they do have to live in it, even if it’s not all the time.

I’d say that is much more than just depression. She sounds like she needs a proper assessment from a psychiatrist with a stay in an in patient unit and support services in place once she gets out.

I think if the dog was re-homed then a step towards reducing the mess would be made. So I suggest the RSPCA rather than SS, who may not want to be involved if the children are at boarding school.

Some very insightful comments, thank you. I read the Times hoarding link with interest, yes I can relate to that as she does get very defensive when someone suggested getting rid of some surplus stuff that her dc have grown out of, for example.

SS have been around, are not concerned as they found the father abusive and the mother has been awarded custody or whatever the term is called, they don't see him anymore out of choice due to their ages and so ss have written a report backing her up.

I agree it is escapism.

The dogs are not neglected, they are well loved, well fed just not well house trained. They are walked daily, some times twice a day; fed twice a day. The RSPCA would not be interested.

As anyone who has dogs knows, they can a lifeline when someone has suffered years of emotional abuse and she is absolutely devoted to her dogs, as are her dc.

She is under the care of a psychiatrist, as are her dc.

We often have her over for dinner etc and I see her outside her home most of the time and if you were to meet her, you would find a well-presented, well groomed fun and lovely person.

I don't think the MM has been back to her home, no.

I think I have explained already that we have exhausted all possibility of getting her a housekeeper/ cleaner: she used to have them but over the years has lost every one and now as it is a small, localised area I think the word has got out through the grapevine not to take the job even when it is advertised.

I am not surprised tbh, cleaners should and do have boundaries.

The situation is getting worse but I won't be offering house help anymore because the soul destroying bit for me is the fact that responding to her calls for help are not actually helping the situation.

Her dc's father was a neat freak so they prefer the more 'relaxed' conditions.

You could try advertising in The Lady for a housekeeper-you'd get a larger pool of applicants.

But failing that, if she keeps the kitchen and bathroom fairly clean, I agree with you that you should let her live in those 'relaxed' conditions.

It is difficult to know how much you should and shouldn't do for a friend in this type need because it becomes a habit and one that can sometimes feel like a big deal to both parties if it is broken.

It is far more difficult to stop help than it is to begin!

I think you should stop trying to help her and just be friends. Meet outside the home and discuss other things. It seems like she is willing to do this - She has been randomly messaging me about unrelated news items.

Maybe not to the extent of your friend but I think we all have friends where we don't get or don't agree with part of their lifestyle - whether it be they have an unsuitable dp, dangerous hobby, unhealthy diet, too many pets, a messy house. You just don't get involved and discuss other things.