Who is being unreasonable about our money situation and Christmas?

[IAm1]

Dp said today that we need to cut down on our spending.

This was said because a parcel arrived today. It was some Xmas presents for our dc. The parcel in total cost £35.

We do not have anything else we can cut back on. We don't go out and spend money on leisure . We have no hobbies. We spend nothing on ourselves. All money spent is just bills and food. We have reduced our weekly shop from £70 to £50-£60.

I said that our children should not go without at Xmas and £ 35 is not a lot to spend on 3 children.

He thinks it is a lot and basically said that they don't need any other presents. I'd like to think he was joking but I'm not sure.

I will spend more money on them. We can afford to spend a little each month without going into our savings.

Of course I want to save, but I don't see why I can't get our dc a few gifts without feeling guilty about it.

Who is being unreasonable?

@speakout

Wouldn't work for me, if i had seen he spent £100, i would have to spend £100 to make it fair.

I dont think it helps me and dp earn very different salaries, easier for us to just keep it seperate

It always tickles me that people get seemingly offended when joint bank accounts are roundly rejected by people. Always makes me chuckle.

It's a bit like bedsharing, same response

Wouldn't work for me, if i had seen he spent £100, i would have to spend £100 to make it fair.

We don't work like that, we don't keep tally or scores to make things "fair". If I or OH decided to spend £100 on something we accept there would be a good reason, a need for spending that.
Having said that OH and I are not into "stuff". Neither of us are much interested in clothes or material things.

And OH and I have always had very different salaries. I spent many years at home as a SAHM, earning nothing. I had full access to his salary in a joint account- my spending was never questioned.
I now earn three times what my OH earns as I run a small business- he works full time. He has full and unquestioned access to my earnings if he chooses to do so.

We trust and respect each other's need to spend.

Your husband is tight. I would be able to stand living like that.

What are you saving for? If your kids get a joyless Xmas every year with him standing over them questioning the cost of a few gifts, then it's not worth it.

If you think you have the money to buy presents, then I'm sure you have. You are an adult who earns her own money and can look at a budget just as well as him.

He sounds controlling and not very pleasant op.

[quote Lazypuppy]**@speakout

Wouldn't work for me, if i had seen he spent £100, i would have to spend £100 to make it fair.

I dont think it helps me and dp earn very different salaries, easier for us to just keep it seperate[/quote]
@Lazypuppy

Surely you can see how mad that is!? If your DH spends money you have to “to make it fair” are you joking? As long as you both have the ability to
Spend the same then it is fair. It’s wasteful to spend just because someone else has in the name Of equality 🤨

*s long as you both have the ability to
Spend the same then it is fair. It’s wasteful to spend just because someone else has in the name Of equality *

Totally agree. I may need a new car- so that uses up £££ of joint money. Does OH then have to spend £££ on random stuff to make it "fair"?
Or OH needs a new suit for work, spends £100 on clothes
Does that mean I have to spend £100 on stuff I don't really need in the name of fairness?

That is a really childish and silly system.

I have not read the whole thread but the DC are not so little that they are not aware of toys etc that other DC might get at Christmas. And while I am really anti getting kids lots of plastic rubbish just for the sake of it, I do think it would be hard to get nice presents for 3 DC for only £70 - that’s £23 each, which is not much.

@Whatsonmymindgrapes yes its ridiculous, thats why we don't combine all our money cause we've have none left.

He earns his money and spends on what he wants, and same for me.

@speakout i don't think you read my original post-this is why we don't combine money, we can spend our own money on whatever we want. If we want to buy something jointly then we discuss if we are both happy to pay for it

I couldn't live with him. He's ruining your kids Christmas and controlling the money you earn yourself. I'd be seriously questioning why I was with someone so joyless and nasty.

@Lazypuppy I think you’ve got a strange view of money. With combined money you don’t have to match exactly what the other spends. We have joint money and if spends £20 on himself then great, and same for me.

@Whatsonmymindgrapes i've already said we don't do combined money so your last post makes no sense

Lazypuppy I did read your post.

You say that having separate finances allows you to buy "whatever you want".

I am pointing out at OH and I can buy "whatever we want" with joint money.
We don't question each others spending- we are a team. If he or I have desire or need for something then we buy it.
We don't keep tabs or tallies on each others spending.

We also have a joint account. If dh buys something I dont then go and buy something of the same value just for the sake of it.
Its a bizarre way to look at it tbh

@Lazypuppy you just misunderstood my post, I was saying that with joint money it can still be fair. You’ve said you don’t have shared money because you’d have to spend 100 if he did in the name of fairness. I’m saying you can have joint money and spend what you want on yourself without your partner spending the same. Basically making the same point as @speakout you seem to have missed their point too. Maybe it’s on purpose to misunderstand those who disagree with you.

Until you say what your disposable income is each month, who knows if it is unreasonable, £35 out of £100 is alot, but out of £2k is nothing.

Amazed people are saying they need more context. A dad begrudging his three children a measly £35 worth of Xmas presents when they are comfortable enough to have savings is clearly a miserable miser! YANBU OP I'd be pretty disgusted with my husband if he was such a Scrooge.

@Onxob

Amazed people are saying they need more context. A dad begrudging his three children a measly £35 worth of Xmas presents when they are comfortable enough to have savings is clearly a miserable miser! YANBU OP I'd be pretty disgusted with my husband if he was such a Scrooge.

this aswell

Its £11.66 per child that OP spent (less than £1 per month per child) unless your so far in the red your ready to declare bancruptsy then £35 for something you have known about and saved for for a whole year is nothing - its £0.67 per week savings and although mumsnet likes to go insane on exagerated examples of poverty very few people in the UK are truely that broke they cant save £1 per week.

@Onxob

Amazed people are saying they need more context. A dad begrudging his three children a measly £35 worth of Xmas presents when they are comfortable enough to have savings is clearly a miserable miser! YANBU OP I'd be pretty disgusted with my husband if he was such a Scrooge.

We’re saying it because “savings” can mean you’ve got £5000 which you can easily top up, or £500 which has taken you 2 years to amass.

Context is important because OP presents her boyfriend as some Scrooge who begrudges £35 - then dripfeeds later that £35 is the first part of what’s likely to be £200, going on last year.

Again, if you have £5000 than you’re regularity topping up - then begrudging £35 for Xmas is shit.

If you have £500 that’s taken 2 years to finally save (after emergencies have hit it) and you want to take out £200 for presents... that’s a big deal!

That is why context is all.

He sounds horrendous. Don’t let him suck the joy out of the Christmas for your dc.