Who is being unreasonable about our money situation and Christmas?

[IAm1]

Dp said today that we need to cut down on our spending.

This was said because a parcel arrived today. It was some Xmas presents for our dc. The parcel in total cost £35.

We do not have anything else we can cut back on. We don't go out and spend money on leisure . We have no hobbies. We spend nothing on ourselves. All money spent is just bills and food. We have reduced our weekly shop from £70 to £50-£60.

I said that our children should not go without at Xmas and £ 35 is not a lot to spend on 3 children.

He thinks it is a lot and basically said that they don't need any other presents. I'd like to think he was joking but I'm not sure.

I will spend more money on them. We can afford to spend a little each month without going into our savings.

Of course I want to save, but I don't see why I can't get our dc a few gifts without feeling guilty about it.

Who is being unreasonable?

@thriftyhen and @ResplendentAutumn, are right, the two of you need to have a budget that includes amounts for Christmas and birthdays.

Is your DH tight about everything, because he's so desperate to build up your savings, or are gifts something he sees as particularly wasteful? (My DP is generally regarded as tightwad, and won't spend a penny more than he needs to on most things, but he is surprisingly generous when it comes to presents and extravagant when it comes to food - weirdo).

Sometimes, being tight about stuff can be a reaction to having been really skint at some point, or to having come from a family that had financial problems. For some people, having significant savings is something they need to avoid being anxious about money and insecure. I think that's a bit different to just being a skinflint, and needs addressing differently.

YANBU, but he might not be being totally unreasonable either. You may just have different priorities, and there may be a need for some compromise between you.

Money is a very emotionally loaded thing for some people.

how much are you intending to spend over all?
what is your budget?

I seriously could not live with your DH. What a miserable bastard to be questioning the cost of the presents in front of the kids on Christmas Day. I feel genuinely angry at him for that. He sounds like a joy sucker. Is he grim in other areas of life too?

@JamminDoughnuts

just dont tell him op keep a lid on it but no need for him to know imo

I really disagree with that, I'm afraid.

It's quite a breach of trust, and would be really hurtful if the other party found out. And it resolves nothing in the medium-long term.

Far better to find a compromise that works and that both parties can live with imo.

I think I would have spent the money too. We save over the whole year to try and help afford Christmas but don't save much. What budget does he think is reasonable? Christmas is worth making an effort to save a little bit for to make sure kids get a few presents (we're only saving £50 for DD and some for other family members but it is to much strain financially to use oct-dec money only)

He does sound tight basically! But I highly recommend going to charity shops etc you can pick up still sealed things often or very lightly used for a fraction of the retail price and the kids will be happy to get gifts - a woman in our shop bought a huge pile for £22 and said that was everything for (1) dc.

Is your husband one of those people who gets more satisfaction from knowing he has money in the bank than from spending?

Is that a bad thing?

I must be "one of those people then".

Doesn't saving bring security?

Knowing that if my car packs in or the roof starts to leak that it will be dealt with.
Knowing that if my student daughter runs out of money I can suppport her.
Knowing that if my OH loses his job we will be able to cover things while he finds another job?

Are those bad things?

If this is an ongoing thing then why have you not both worked out the budget for Christmas? Why not set an amount to spend on each child and stick with that? Or a total?

Why have this annual disagreement?

You will be told your DH is unreasonable because he is a bloke

you earn more than him?
is that why he is being controlling may be?

i remember with a bad taste the christmas when we really budgeted
although of course it is all subjective
at that age they love toys so much op.
suggest he lighten up
but i guess it could be worth setting a budget and remind him not to mention the cost of things on the day!

He sounds like a miserable skinflint.

To be perfectly frank, he sounds like a tight git. Unless there's a back story where you've just spent 1k in the Disney shop, then £35 between three kids for Christmas is not a lot in anyone's book - and I say that as someone who had to budget to the absolute penny for Christmas, for years.

It's not that they're bad speakout but people still need to live and enjoy their lives. It's okay to be a saver but not okay to impose a seriously frugal lifestyle on a partner, without their agreement. He is robbing the kids of joy at Christmas by carping about cost on Christmas Day. That's totally unacceptable.
This is OPs money too. If they can meet their bills and still save, he shouldn't be objecting to saving a bit less in the run up to Christmas. He's not the only member of this family.

So what is left over at the end of each month?
Do you work?

Tell your dp to stop being such a fucking scrooge. That you dont mind not having lavish christmases but if hes going to sit there every xmas and ruin it with his comments and tightness then you have a problem.

Speak out I think at the moment it's prudent to want '' savings '' but we don't even know if those savings are 10 quid or 10 thou.

Splitting money up and having specific savings for different things really takes the stress away.

Dh and I filter money away each month into various pots.
We have a weekly weekend spending allowance, petrol £, food money, we have two dc pots, one for clothes and school costs... One for tutors, lessons... We have Xmas pots. At one time I was putting the grand sum of 13 a month into it!

We have a bday fund.. Holiday fund.
This is all after bills and essentials are paid. It means we know exactly where we are. There is no stress about spending x at a weekend because that is specific for a weekend.

When you have dc there is one small window to give them the best childhood... I don't think it's fair to organise finances which doesn't include them.
My extremely wealthy Mil moans about money, she said she couldn't afford a new chair, I simply thought, well, you don't organise your money properly then.
They live every move about money they are totally un spontaneous!

Well i know how you can save yourself a few bob.Dont buy him anything.Scrooge is right.

Kids are only small for a short time,and the magic of Christmas when they are that age is lovely.

I couldnt be with anyone who was that tight about the kids having a few presents at Christmas.

It depends on what your true expenses are. You are focusing on there being money left over at the end of the month (good) but what about non-monthly and irregular expenses, like insurances or car repairs or clothing? Concern for how to afford these things may be what's driving your DH's skinflintiness.

I treat Christmas like any other budget category and save into it all year round, as I do for holidays, or insurance, TV licence etc.

It sounds like you are not on the same page with budgeting, even though I accept you are cutting your expenses to the bone (and more than I would be willing to do) and there is a 'bigger picture' which you both have in your heads but may not be the same.

I'd recommend having a look at You Need a Budget as I think this could really help clarify your true expenses. I assume he will balk at the price but most people find it pays for itself. Alternatively you could implement something similar in Excel to see if it will help before shelling out for it.

It sounds as if he wants to have as much as possible in a 'rainy day fund' for unspecified future purposes (and an emergency fund is a good thing but so is enjoying Christmas).

Whatever happens, I would ask him not to discuss the price of presents in front of the children on Xmas day. There's just no need.

I've only known two over overly parsimonious people, one was a friends dad at school, he made life unnecessarily miserable, he'd race out to turn off the dryer if his wife used it. They actually did put t bags on the washing line. He was a nasty man to boot, they were not wealthy but detached 5 bed house etc.

The others are my in laws and as I said the absolute last last place I want to be at Xmas which in my family was the one time you didn't worry about money...

We don't know your exact financial situation so it's hard to judge.

Is your DP worried about his job with Covid-19 at all? Do you have a good amount of savings?

If you're fine in those areas, then yes your DP is being a miserable arse. Christmas is magical for most kids, and it's not like you're spending £100's on them.

Social services in my area allow £200 per child to be spent on Christmas presents for children living in foster care.
If you genuinely cant afford more than £12 per child then maybe apply for some of the donated toys that are collected by toy appeals, (local Radio station does one).

I feel like we can afford it though.

And he clearly feels like you can’t.

You need a proper budget meeting and agreed goals.

Christmas with 3 children is a predictable, unavoidable expense. Same as bills, food, clothes. Savings should be agreed between you.

Have it out properly now, before Christmas, and make it clear his attitude on the day is a problem.

I think he is being unreasonable. I also think its awful about going on about the cost of everything on Christmas day in front of the dc. Why does he want to spoil the day for them? My dh doesn't see the point of buying loads of gifts, and we don't go mad. But I work very hard in my job and I will spend my money on my dc and no one will tell me otherwise. I'm more of the mind set, what's the point of working if I can't enjoy it!

If you wanted, you could cut back further on your food shop. £50- £60 is a lot for just food. ( we spend around £30- £40 on 4 adults by shopping in Aldi and cooking all meals from scratch, but I know not everyone has the time for that)

You need to have a chat with DH about priorities. If things are so tight that he doesn't think you can afford Xmas gifts ( for his own 3 DC who presumably still believe in Santa FGS !), ask him exactly what he proposes ?
No presents from Santa?
No presents from their Mum & Dad?
No Xmas lunch ?

Maybe ask him to remember how he remembers his childhood Xmas mornings ?
Does he want his kids to remember their childhood Xmas mornings of no presents and no Santa?
Would he rather save the money ( for what exactly?) and be the Xmas Scrooge ? Or would he rather have a lovely day with his 3 young kids, with presents, food and Santa ? (and get back to saving in Jan)

he might say I just received a match box car and I was happy with that!