Who is being unreasonable about our money situation and Christmas?

[IAm1]

Dp said today that we need to cut down on our spending.

This was said because a parcel arrived today. It was some Xmas presents for our dc. The parcel in total cost £35.

We do not have anything else we can cut back on. We don't go out and spend money on leisure . We have no hobbies. We spend nothing on ourselves. All money spent is just bills and food. We have reduced our weekly shop from £70 to £50-£60.

I said that our children should not go without at Xmas and £ 35 is not a lot to spend on 3 children.

He thinks it is a lot and basically said that they don't need any other presents. I'd like to think he was joking but I'm not sure.

I will spend more money on them. We can afford to spend a little each month without going into our savings.

Of course I want to save, but I don't see why I can't get our dc a few gifts without feeling guilty about it.

Who is being unreasonable?

So, if you have savings as you say but DH wants to have more money left over every month I think he is being totally unreasonable. To think that spending £35 pounds on 3 children's christmas is enough is a crime if all your DH wants is to ensure the savings pot is kept up. Has he never thought of how his children's faces light up on christmas morning? Does he not think making family memories are important? It's not about how much you spend as in loads of big presents does no child any good but giving up their christmas for his savings pot is ridiculous.

Is this about money or is this about Christmas? My DH and I had slightly different ideas about money, which we resolved by having separate bank accounts. We have grown closer views over the years though (he was spendy, I was savey). He also wasn't very good at Christmas, which is a whole different bag o' mashings. It took a few years to work through his issues, including doing Xmas in some different ways.
It is easy to say 'screw him, spend the money' but it really seems like you and he need to do a lot of talking and listening. Is he afraid your kids will grow up spoiled? Does he not understand how Christmas works for you?

Op you need to budget the money differently.
You need to save specifically for Xmas every month.
It needs it's own budget.
You can do the same for bday, holidays etc.

Also op says '' savings 'that could be 200 pounds or 20 thousand.. Who can blame anyone for wanting to save with 3 kids at the most unstable time in recent history?

Op, demand separate savings and look at eBay for Xmas gifts and charity shops. So many people are having massive clear outs! I've given away practically new beautiful toys and games over lock down.
One Xmas all of 3 year old dd gifts were actually free from a free cycle clear out!
She had no idea, they were passed on when she grew out of them.

Good luck op. Its one day a year when we can cut loose, go a little wild.

My dp always had extravagance at Xmas... In laws are very wealthy and whilst they will have a teeny break out you sense it puts them under pressure... They a re scared they will spend so much (extra 2 quid on a smoke salmon upgrade) that they will suddenly loose their paid for outright 2 mill house, their other 2 houses, their paid for porch and Mercedes etc and loose all their investments.

It drains the joy totally and utterly for me and that along with deep seated issues means they are the absolute last place I want to be at Xmas 🎄!!

"Dp wants us to cut back but there isn't anything to cut back on. We have money left over each month but dp wants more money left over."

"Is your husband one of those people who gets more satisfaction from knowing he has money in the bank than from spending?"
"Absolutely!"

Then I'd be standing my ground. Spending your childhood controlled by a miser's love of money is a pretty miserable life. Money is a means of exchange, nothing else. We save it up for two purposes only; to spend it in larger amounts, or at different times.

If his bank balance gives him more pleasure than his children, then he's a poor excuse for a human.

He’s a miser complaining another £70 for 3!! Children’s presents for Christmas how miserable of you had one and it was a baby but the ages of yours it’s magical it doesn’t mean shit loads of presents but more than £70 split between 3!

That doesn't sound too extravagant, especially if you're managing to save a little each month. Spending £50-£60 on a weekly shop for a family of 5 doesn't sound like a huge amount for food and necessities. I live fairly frugally and like to save as much as possible, but Christmas and birthdays are a time to treat yourself a little unless you're risking getting into debt.

While I hate gross over-consumption and giant present piles at Christmas (or any other) time and would never advocate getting into debt for it, I think he sounds very mean. £11.50 wouldn't even go far in a charity shop. Even £35 per child isn't loads. We probably spend twice that.

Whilst it's good to be prudent there is nothing worse than being with someone who is tight.

And it's worse if there are children.

Lot of projection on this thread.
I disagree it is 'tight' or 'miserly'.

Families have different ideas about what presents should cost. I live very happily in a family (well, families, when you consider this is the same from Grandparents, cousins, Aunts, Uncles etc, both my side and dh's side) where present giving is £12 - £15 pp. We do more for our dc now we can afford to (there was a time when we couldn't). However, I see plenty of threads where there is talk of spending £200 per child, or even more. Now, I actually could withdraw £200 per dc from my bank account at the moment, but that's just not the way we do things in our (extended) family. I'd rather that kind of money went towards supporting them with longer term things than with consumables at Christmas. Some will agree with me, others won't. It doesn't make me right or wrong, or someone who wants to spend £500 per child right or wrong wrong. What needs to happen is OP and her dp need to come to some compromise agreement, and then budget for it throughout the year.

I’ve been thinking about this (too much time on my hands).

Surely you agree in previous years? Is it that he wants to spend this year or is about £10-15 per child want you have spent in previous years?

Lots of people are going to have cut back a lot this year and therefore spending a smaller amount is sensible

Previous yearsI have spent around £200 in total for dc at Xmas. A lot less when they were younger.

It usually ends with dp on Xmas day questioning how much things cost. It annoys me as he does it in front of dc and it ruins the whole Santa thing.

He detests any gift shopping so it's all left to me to do.

We have a joint bank account. I earn more than him at the moment but it has been that way for 2 years.

Could your DP have worries that you aren't aware of? Many people are losing their jobs and maybe he fears that happening but hasn't voiced his concerns to you.

It does sound as if you live very frugally if you have cut back on shopping to between £50 - £60 per week for a family of 5. I think you need to put together a schedule of income and expenditure and have a serious discussion with your DP about finances.

Do you work OP?

@IAm1

Previous yearsI have spent around £200 in total for dc at Xmas. A lot less when they were younger.

It usually ends with dp on Xmas day questioning how much things cost. It annoys me as he does it in front of dc and it ruins the whole Santa thing.

He detests any gift shopping so it's all left to me to do.

We have a joint bank account. I earn more than him at the moment but it has been that way for 2 years.

This isn’t on. The dc are still young and should be enjoying Xmas day without overhearing your dh questioning you about the costs of things. If you have money left over, and aren’t putting it on cards or going into debt, you are free to spend your money how you choose.

Dh and I have a little left over every month which we split, between us. We are free to use that money how we like and don’t run purchases by each other. Sometimes, he needs more money and he’ll ask. Sometimes I do. He certainly wouldn’t ever question the cost of Xmas present for the dc though. I couldn’t live with someone who was that controlling with money.

I think you need to have a really serious talk with him about his whole attitude and behaviour. The asking about cost on Christmas Day is horrible. He clearly has some sort of issue.

Instead of getting would you and looking for further savings on his say so, I would seize control. Say you have budgeted x amount for Christmas and will be spending it. Tell him that you will be buying well thought out things that will bring the children joy and educational / creative / sporting stimulation and that as a parent you are happy to be able to do that. And that his carping in on Christmas Day is bad behaviour and bad parenting because it guilt trips the kids and undermines their joy. And you will not put up with it.

If you only have in the region of £35 left after all bills are paid you are living close to the wire, and if you've been cutting your weekly shop and paring your outgoings in order to build some savings against a rainy day, you are being unreasonable to go spending all that on Christmas presents which the children don't need. Jeep Christmas simple and magical rather than throwing money at it that you can't easily afford, and work with your DH not against him.

If there's enough money and that's what you spend so be it.

Tell him to sod off.

What's the worst that can happen op?of he wants to have a strop about it let him carry on and then tell him he's ruining it for everyone by behaving like it

You need to agree with him beforehand how much to spend and what to buy.

Don’t allow him to not be involved in the process.

Or agree that he is not involved in the process and then he cannot question your decision

We have a joint bank account. I earn more than him at the moment but it has been that way for 2 years

If you’re bringing home the majority of the money I’d tell him to fuck off.

He seems utterly joyless, OP. Is there any happiness in your home?

Personally I couldn’t live like this. Besides the Christmas issue you say you never spend any money. Do you guys have holidays/days out/treats? What do you do for entertainment with the kids/yourselves?

Also agree whether presents are from you- which then means kids understand parents working etc

Or from Santa

I can completely understand him not wanting expensive Santa gifts and instead those being from parents

Well if you were in huge amounts of debt and about to lose your home he'd have a point but you have savings and are putting extra by each month. Of course the kids should have a few Christmas presents. YANBU

It’s hard to know who is unreasonable; you say you still have money left over, but is that £5 or £500?

Without knowing, it’s difficult to determine whether your husband has genuine anxieties about saving to ensure stability for your family, or whether he is being mean and miserly. Either way, you need to discuss a reasonable, workable budget so that you can enjoy your life without worrying about him questioning your spending habits.

That's not even much per child let alone for 3. I'd tell him to stop being ridiculous. Also your food shopping bill for a family of 5 is incredibly low! Tightness is such a turn off and I'd tell him that.

just dont tell him op
keep a lid on it but no need for him to know imo