Equal input from both parents?

[EL8888]

I got into an interesting debate with my partner earlier this week, my perspective is women do more for their children then men. During children’s entire childhood so not just skewed by pregnancy and maternity leave. I know this isn’t true for all parents but for the VAST MAJORITY.

My partner thinks this is untrue, that 50/50 is what the majority of parents manage and men truly do their share. He thinks I have a skewed perspective and simply can’t be right

What does everyone else think?! Am l being unfairly negative towards men like he thinks?

My husband does at least half the parenting. He could tell you our kids teachers names, what subjects they do or like, what their favourite foods are and what they don't like. He knows their routines, what they wear, when they're due dentist or opticians appointments and everything else I know too.

But DH is the exception. Still an oddity. Unusual. Not the norm.

OP your DH is wrong I'm afraid and I say that as the wife of one of the men he's on about!

I think you're right. I have a lovely husband who does far more than most men and at times more than me, but he is in the military, I am office based, he goes away for months, I work from home and have a lot of flexibility. Childcare, and the admin that comes with family life, has always largely landed on me. Not when he's physically home, he does more than his fair share at home and in many ways is a much more instinctive natural parent than I am, but I'm more physically available. I think if he had a different job it would be different, but I don't think he's ever stopped to think how his chosen career can have an impact on me and there was a deep rooted expectation he could do the career he chose and I would fit in- thankfully my chosen career path is very flexible and actually pays more than his (coincidence or societal design?!)

On reflection of my friends I'd say it's largely true, but I grew up in a home that was genuinely more 50/50 in fact I remember my dad doing more in a lot of ways, my mum was less available with her job.

Am I the only woman perfectly happy not to have 50:50? It’s just not something I particularly want. I wouldn’t want to swap my role with his.

I reckon DH does half of the physical work of child rearing (so... a lot of the baths, meals, going to the park, half of the pick ups and drop offs etc). But the mental load falls to me - attending out medical appointments, calling consultants, meal planning, buying school uniform, arranging play dates, birthday and Xmas shopping.... Partly this is because I’m part time so more likely to be available, but partly its because I also do most of the mental load in the rest of our lives.

Even the amount he does seems far more than a lot of my friends’ husbands do, though.

Worked part-time (4 days a week) did most childcare, all laundry, all shopping (including the christmas presents!} most cooking, most cleaning, bathed kids and put them to bed. Dad did the ironing and occasionally a bit of gardening or the odd meal. Or stip a bed but not remake it (hmm)

The only man I know that did more than 50% of child-related tasks/house tasks was my father. That was because he was invalided from work, and my mother worked FT.

My husband & children’s Dad I would say does a fair share of parenting. We both work so that has meant for both of us we have put as much as possible children first & in turn I feel both our careers slightly suffered (equally) as we’ve shared nursery/school drop off, he attends all shows/parent evenings etc.

I would say I’m the one that sorts our childcare & paying for it - dinner money etc. He recently realised that when I was stuck in a meeting & he needed to top up account :)

Household things do fall to me more - but I’ll take the fact he reads/entertains/interacts with the kids than help with the ironing.

If we were to divorce it would probably be 50/50 as it’s now? But I’ve always expected (hate that word) to do his share we both choose to have children & equally parent them. I love the fact that our children go to him as much as me.

Statistically men are not equally as involved as women. Most women do more for their children than most men do. Men are also more likely to walk out on their children than women are; that isn't to say that women don't walk away obviously but where I know 2 men who's wife walked out and left them with the children, I know many more women who were left alone with the children after their partners walked out.

On a societal level, women do most of the childcare and input with kids. There really isn't much argument in the data on this.

For courts, you'd have to take the differences in how often men vs women fight for greater access. Some men might not because of the viewpoint of unfairness which may be part of the difference, but across UK, US, Canada (the main data I've seen) fewer men do, and those that do tend to do fine. This isn't universal across time in these places or in countries - in many times and places, men were assumed to be given custody, especially when men had more legal obligations that were more enforced.

On an individual household level, it's going to differ. I know men who meet updownroundandround's list - my father during parts of my childhood, and my spouse who even after he stopped being a SAHP, does a lot of that.

Also, just because a parent is the one doing childcare doesn't mean a parent is 'engaged' with their kids. It is possible to even be a SAHP and do very little in terms of input with kids, to entirely fail at the list. If it's how engaged each sex is with their kids when present with them, on a societal level it's probably still women, but I think it would be closer than data which is usually more on time in the caring role or with kids - especially if we're counting all generations of parents. Both sexes are more involved with their kids than pretty much ever.

Book yourself a holiday and bugger off for a fortnight, see how he feels after a couple of weeks doing pretty much everything!

We're not far off a 50:50 split nowadays. DH is better at encouraging DD to do things, and we're both wfh so we all have a tea-break when she gets in. However I think that in most households, there will be one partner (and usually the woman) who takes on the mental load of knowing the schedule, organising appointments, making sure things needed for school are ready on time, etc. It doesn't necessarily mean doing more of the ferrying the kids around, but how many of us get a regular "what time do I need to pick them up?" It used to be that if I went away, I had to write everything down, whereas if DH went away, I knew what needed covering. (Nowadays DD knows when she needs to be where, so I don't need to write it down any more.)

Am I the only woman perfectly happy not to have 50:50? It’s just not something I particularly want. I wouldn’t want to swap my role with his.

I never thought of it as something that I would get to decide on my own. Dh wouldn't have been happy with an arrangement where he wasn't involved in taking care of his own children. The children I am sure have benefited from having two hands-on parents, from knowing that even if I fell ill or had to go away (which I did sometimes for work), their world would carry on all the same.

Just to add: I'm not sure you could ever distribute that mental load completely evenly - there probably does need to be one person who coordinates.

Similar experience than some PP: amazing DH who shares drop offs and pickups, cooks, looks after them etc. But I’m still in charge, I know when they need new shoes, where their things are kept, I read the school letters and book dentist appointments, etc

Even where the mother works equal to or more hours than the father and/or brings in more money and/or has a more stressful job, I don't know any cases that are genuinely 50/50 or the father doing more.

DH definitely does half the work at least but I definitely do the thinking, planning, organizing and paying. It ends up pretty much 50/50. And we don't compete which helps.

But he is the exception not the rule.

Am I the only woman perfectly happy not to have 50:50? It’s just not something I particularly want. I wouldn’t want to swap my role with his.

Interesting, what role does he have vs what you have?

I guess in the majority of cases but not for me. My partner has done the majority of childcare since my maternity leave ended. I work full time, earn more money and he is far more suited to the role. I am the one who has to be reminded teachers names etc....

He is a strong man with a very caring nature. He doesn’t care about what others might think and is proud to be a stay at home dad. He has recently started working part time and it’s been an adjustment for me!

I''ve had a 50/50 childcare schedule in place with STBXH for about a year. Although he looks after the children 50% of the time, I still manage school meal payments, school photo orders, most playdates (kids actually don't even seem to bother asking him to host friends any more because it clearly inconveniences him), birthday presents for kids' friends, most of the back-to-school shopping, health care appointments.

He's doing more in non-financial terms than he ever did in the past, but he still doesn't actually do half of everything. I keep thinking I should divide up the admin and make him responsible for set tasks, but I don't really trust him to do it. He can't forget to feed the children, but all that other stuff is just way off his radar. I think a lot of that kind of peripheral admin tends to fall to women, no matter how involved the dad.

It varies from family to family it seems. At the end it seems a lot of the times in most cases a conscious effort to what is best for the child and for the family financially is made. In most cases it is the person on a lower wage or lower earning potential that will then take a step back. I don't think either parent puts in less of an effort it's just done in different ways

He's delusional unless he's the one arranging play dates, buying friends birthday presents, chatting to other parents, buying their clothes, keeping on top of when clothes are outgrown, passing on clothes to other mums, arranging parties, arranging family birthday celebrations, keeping a track of school schedules, activities, non uniform days, nativity costumes, consent letters, school photograph ordering, knowing child's favourite toys, food, clothes, knowing day clothes from pyjamas, cheap ones from expensive ones, buying school uniform, school shoes, arranging days out, knowing who children's friends are, this list goes on. Sure he works longer hours and does other stuff, but no child care is not 50\50

DH does 100% for DSD, having had full custody since she was tiny, but at as a very capable 17 with a bus pass she's mostly mental effort these days. With DS, I do about 80%, because currently DH works stupid hours and a lot of nights, but he earns twice what I do, so while a lot of the load falls to me, if he can throw money at a problem he happily does that. When he's on more sane working patterns it drops down toward a 60/40 split.

Housework...frankly at the minute all is chaos and will be for the foreseeable and first thing that is happening when this settles down is a cleaner.

Hahaha your DP is either deluded, or a rare breed!

DH works full time, I work part time. He does think he’s quite involved, but I would say that I do 90% of the mental-load type tasks, 99% of the emotional support for the children and probably about 70% of the physical tasks around raising the children.
And he’s the one that wanted children, whereas I wasn’t sure and often regret it.

[quote EL8888]@Coriandersucks l meant in all sense -practically, emotionally etc

The debate was inspired by him saying custody battles are biased against men, it’s been irradicated in a lot of areas of life he thinks but not there. I’m like that’s probably as most women do more for their children and there are less dead beat / unengaged women out there. Plus most women do more for their children, then the dads do[/quote]
No there isn't less deadbeat moms. Dads and sometimes grandparents just get on it with it. The discrimination that men face in family court is appalling.