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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

‘Grieving’ the death of strangers

108 replies

MrsRLH75 · 14/10/2020 14:09

Maybe ‘grieving’ is the wrong word but why do I, from time to time, feel the loss of strangers acutely. There was an accident near where we live two nights ago and a mum and her three children were killed. It’s floored me and I did not know these people. How can something as tragic as that happen and yet the world keeps on turning? Am I mad/strange... I just don’t know but I can’t think of anything else.

OP posts:

Zoecarter · 14/10/2020 14:12

I’ve just read an article on it. It’s so sad but I am exactly the same But a lot of people tell me I am unreasonable xx

pippistrelle · 14/10/2020 14:14

I don't think that's mad or strange, OP. Some things you hear about can have a profound impact even though you don't know the people involved. It might be because you relate to that person in some way, or it might just be because you're a very empathetic person.

FlorenceNightshade · 14/10/2020 14:16

You don’t have to know people personally to be affected by their deaths. Tragic circumstances are still tragic when they involve strangers. Of course it’s nothing in comparison to what those that did know them will feel but you’re definitely not mad for feeling this way. Hug yours a little tighter and be grateful.

thebutterflydied · 14/10/2020 14:16

I don't really relate but my grans, best friends, husband died a few months back and although I'd only met him probably twice, I think I see him all the time. It's so bizarre.

DarrellRiversTuckBox · 14/10/2020 14:18

I've been the same on many occasion, OP. DH thinks I'm odd, I ask him how these things don't have the same effect on him and he says while he's sympathetic he just doesn't think about it beyond that point. Fair enough, I suppose, but it bothers me for days sometimes longer.

ReneeRol · 14/10/2020 14:19

It's empathy and there's something wrong with people who don't have it. It's heartbreaking to know a family has been wiped out like that. It's also scary to think, that could be any of us and our kids. One accident... We never know.

They were living their life, lots of hopes and dreams for the future, no idea what was coming next.

It's tragic.

SD1978 · 14/10/2020 14:24

I don't understand it- to be honest. I have compassion, and feel that for strangers, but I find it uncomfortable when someone gets very emotional about a situation that isn't there situation. I almost feel like it's a selfish response- you're 'taking' a tragedy from someone. Empathy is I can feel what you feel. I've never lost a child, or even a parent yet. I can imagine how that feels but know the reality will be much, much worse- so I have compassion for those people but don't believe you can actually feel that until it's yours situation.

Candleabra · 14/10/2020 14:24

I'm sure it's because you instantly imagine that event happening in your own life, then it makes you sad.
I'm sure it's normal. Though if you start to publicly air this grief for strangers or try to compare with people who actually knew them, then that's wrong. Unfortunately I see a lot of that at the moment (not implying that's what you're doing OP)

CoconutsHaveWaterInThem · 14/10/2020 14:26

I feel the same mostly when it involves children. Especially the Chris and Shanann Watts case its really sad, you just feel for them and what that poor lady and children went through.

Theclockiswrong · 14/10/2020 14:30

I live down the road from where it happened too. I burst in to tears when I read what actually happened, I knew the road was closed because all local fb group were whining about being late.

I did not know this family but the impact reading about was huge.

byvirtue · 14/10/2020 14:33

I didn’t know her but I had followed her on Instagram for a few years, she was a really talented, creative, inspiring woman who had been through so much this year but had always remained positive. I’m never normally one to be affected by accidents like this but I cried last night when I saw her photo in the press and thought of her and her babies dead. So so sad, undeserving and just a waste of so much potential.

It’s really weighing heavily on me today, her poor husband and daughter.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/10/2020 14:35

That's awful it's no surprise it has knocked you for six.
I do understand what you mean about grieving for a stranger.
I lost my DM to covid it was awful and I know 50 nurses died in the UK.
One particular nurse had a deep impact on me I think of her and her family often.
Her story how she started working as an porter/kitchen staff and retrained for nursing. Her DH hugging her as a tear fell and she passed away a young mother.

LuckyBitches · 14/10/2020 14:37

I don't think that's strange OP, it's empathy. Aside from that, it's a reminder of how fragile all of our lives are, and that's upsetting too.

Thurmanmurman · 14/10/2020 14:39

I’m the same. A couple of years ago a stopped and waited for a hearse to go by and there was a small white coffin in the back. I cried my eyes out when I got home. I’ve since found out it was a little girl from my kids school. I didn’t know her or her parent but I often think about it.

hexmeginny · 14/10/2020 14:39

Not unreasonable at all. Quite normal, empathetic perhaps - or maybe some things just seem so senseless that it hits home how fragile life is. I have felt overwhelming sadness over random tragic events. Like a fog descends over me for that day and lingers for quite a while afterwards.

contrmary · 14/10/2020 14:40

It's common to feel sadness at bad news, even if you are not directly affected personally. Especially when there is something familiar with the situation, be it that you know the place it occurred or there is similarity between yourself and a person involved.

It's why we are shocked when there is a murder in the next street, but don't really give a toss when someone gets stoned to death on the other side of the world.

Original poster

MrsRLH75 · 14/10/2020 14:41

Thank you for your kind responses and for those sharing in what I’m/we’re feeling, I’m not ashamed to send a very un-mumsnetty hug.

I’d never display my feelings publicly (I presume this doesn’t count), and I don’t feel it’s my tragedy, gosh I know it’s not and I don’t for one minute presume to know how the grieving family are feeling. I suppose, like you say, when it’s close to home and when your family set-up is similar, as mine is to theirs, it just gets you even more.

I can’t wait to hug my babies after school.

OP posts:

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 14/10/2020 14:41

You're just someone compassionate who is showing empathy for a tragic situation. I am usually considered quite a tough cookie but have cried so much this year when I have heard bad news on tv due to Covid deaths or if I have watched a programme about the emergency services. I did lose my mum earlier this year too and presume my grief for her is jumbled up with this crazy Covid situation we went straight into.

I don't think it's mad. It's just being human.

SqidgeBum · 14/10/2020 14:41

Its just down to varying levels of empathy. Some people have more empathy than others. I am a person who sees human actions as logical and I understand them, but I feel pretty much nothing emotionally towards strangers. But there are some people, like you, who feel for people in a strong way. It also probably links to being able to relate to these strangers. People are more likely to be emotionally stirred by those who are like them or live near them than those who are very different or live far away. Its not wrong. You just have to be aware of it not taking over completely.

Asterion · 14/10/2020 14:42

It's empathy, and compassion. Totally understandable.

sunflowerspeoniesanddaisies · 14/10/2020 14:44

I just read that story and honestly it's made me feel sick (in a horrified way). What a dreadful thing to happen. Those poor people. I think for me, it's because I can relate to their family situation, I have young children myself and things like that can happen to anyone. Accidents, tragic accidents happen and we all just have to hope they never happen to us or our loved ones.

Plussizejumpsuit · 14/10/2020 14:45

The story you are talking about is particularly tragic so I'd be upset by it if it was near me. I mean I do find it upsetting but I'm not physically or emotionally close to it.

I'm not sure eif it is greiving in the same way yiu do for a loved one but I understand what you mean.

I used to work around the corner from the house baby p lived in. I walked past it a lot and I felt really sad and almost sad for the life he should have had. So not quite greiving but some similar emotions.

Some people feel things more than others and some particular instances hit you hard. This one you're talking about is awf because it feels like it could be any of us. As long as its not interfering with your life its OK to feel 5hings about people you don't know.

Lovemusic33 · 14/10/2020 14:47

OP, I think that accident has floored a lot of people, I don’t live near by but it really upset me, I think it’s pretty normal response to something so sad. I can’t stop thinking about the 2 survivors (dad and youngest child) and how this is going to effect them.

iloveeverykindofcat · 14/10/2020 14:48

I feel it most acutely when I feel like I had something in common with that person, and/or there's some element of injustice involved. I had tears in my eyes over this story yesterday
www.salon.com/2020/10/12/my-sister-died-needlessly-of-covid-19-and-bias/
I guess it's partly because I too love cats (see username) and she's holding the cat so sweetly in the photo.

HowFastIsTooFast · 14/10/2020 14:48

It's not odd OP, particularly when it's on your doorstep and therefore even feels more real in a sense of 'oh my god it really could have been me/my family/a neighbour on that road' whereas often when it's somewhere you don't know there's a bigger disconnect.

A few years ago where I live there was a family murder; the dad had an episode and killed his wife, her best friend, her dad and 3 young children. It took me weeks and weeks to stop thinking about them every day, because I'd drive past the street or walk past where one of them had worked, or the kids nursery and so on.

Remember it's better to be someone who cares too much than not enough. Be kind to yourself x

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