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Original poster

‘Grieving’ the death of strangers

108 replies

MrsRLH75 · 14/10/2020 14:09

Maybe ‘grieving’ is the wrong word but why do I, from time to time, feel the loss of strangers acutely. There was an accident near where we live two nights ago and a mum and her three children were killed. It’s floored me and I did not know these people. How can something as tragic as that happen and yet the world keeps on turning? Am I mad/strange... I just don’t know but I can’t think of anything else.

OP posts:
Plussizejumpsuit · 14/10/2020 14:49

@EmeraldShamrock I know the story of the woman you are talking about. That stayed with me too. I think it was something about her doing the re training with little ones and just starting out in a new chapter having put in that hard work. So many health professionals have dies but this did hit me.

So sorry for your loss too I can't imagine what it's like Flowers

perfumeistooexpensive · 14/10/2020 14:49

It's the grieving for celebs that annoys me. People you've never met. Someone died recently that I had met and was rude and totally unpleasant. The SM comments made this person out to be the most marvellous etc.

cptartapp · 14/10/2020 14:49

I list my DM in a car accident, not quite the same but I can completely empathise.
Some things just hit home. It does make me less tolerant though generally, particularly of people who don't appreciate what they've got PIL

Jux · 14/10/2020 14:50

DH does this. It drives me mad; he grieves for strangers as if they' were his best friend and is useless and tearful for days.

Someone1987 · 14/10/2020 14:51

@MrsRLH75 you sound a very thoughtful and empathetic person.
I have read the article and seen the pictures and it is truly horrifying. And I agree with how the world moves on. People are soon forgotten and it is sad. Someone was murdered down my road a couple of weeks ago and it was all in the news and now ... Nothing.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/10/2020 14:52

I think it’d be mad/strange if these things didn’t get to you. You don’t have to know a person to be knocked sick by a tragedy

Trixie18 · 14/10/2020 14:52

Maybe because it was so close to home, it makes you think it could easily have been you and your kids. I have a toddler who was born at 28 weeks and was really poorly. I read a story last week about a man who threw his baby at the ceiling causing massive brain damage (also a 28 week prem baby). I cried for days xx

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/10/2020 14:52

People rather

HowFastIsTooFast · 14/10/2020 14:53

@perfumeistooexpensive I'd usually agree when it comes to celebrities but for some reason Caroline Flack's suicide absolutely knocked me for six earlier this year.

Maybe because we were about the same age and both had somewhat eventful romantic lives?!? HmmBlush

I suppose it felt like in a different universe she could have been one of my friends.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/10/2020 14:54

I think it's entirely understandable that you would be upset and sad to hear of the deaths of those poor people.

I think as well that it can hit close to home - too many "what ifs" and "there but for the grace of god go I" sort of feelings - and I think most people would have some sort of fellow feeling for the surviving family.

But it rather depends on how long it goes on for, as to whether or not you're being unreasonable. This has only just happened, so of course it's very fresh, shocking and awful.
If you're still upset about it in a year's time, then that's probably too much if you never actually knew them - although the stirrings of the feelings you are experiencing now are likely to stay with you every time something reminds you of this.

MrsClatterbuck · 14/10/2020 14:54

I know what you are feeling. Years ago I read a story in which a mum passed away in her home with two young children. Her DH was away in the army if I recall correctly. They maybe didn't live near any family. When they found her the children were also dead from lack of water and food. Think one was a baby and the other a toddler. I found it very upsetting and shed a few tears.

viques · 14/10/2020 14:55

I think it is only human nature to feel empathy for the loss of a family, and for the pain of their family left to grieve them.

However I find it hard to understand people other than friends or family leaving flowers and messages outside houses or at accident sites. I honestly don’t know if they bring comfort to bereaved families because fortunately I have never been in that position, I only know that I think I would hate having to see them, would not want to read the messages from strangers, would be angry at the waste of flowers and would resent having to deal with clearing up the stuff afterwards.

Incidentally I know someone who was involved in removing the flowers left outside Kensington Palace when Diana POW died, and they said it was a very grim experience .

Crunchymum · 14/10/2020 14:56

It was an awful and utterly tragic accident.

I am sure there is not a soul who will say otherwise.

Not sure I'd feel the need to post a thread about feeling what is just natural empathy and emotion?

justgeton · 14/10/2020 14:58

I too found this quite upsetting. How could anyone with an ounce of humanity not?

A truly awful tragedy that absolutely puts so many of our moans and whines in to perspective.

I also thought for the emergency services attending the scene. As used as they are to seeing awful events this must have been in a different league altogether. I hope they too are getting support.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/10/2020 15:00

To quote John Donne
"Every mans death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore send not to know, for who the bell tolls, it tolls for thee."

perfumeistooexpensive · 14/10/2020 15:00

I think feeling empathy for the family and victims of a horrific accident is normal. It's too close to home. I've lost two family members, one a child and one early twenties in RTCs. That's maybe why I don't get upset about celebs that I've never met.

DoTheMaccaroni · 14/10/2020 15:02

Some stories hit me hard! I get it ❤️

TableFlowerss · 14/10/2020 15:02

Surely it’s because of the tragic circumstances with it being 3 children? I would feel very sad hearing that too as it’s such a waste of 3 young lives.

Had it been three 85 year olds then I would’ve feel the same. I would hope that they died instantaneously and didn’t but I wouldn’t be consumed with the life they never got to have

The younger the victims are the more heart wrenching imo

TableFlowerss · 14/10/2020 15:02

wouldn't

BorderlineHappy · 14/10/2020 15:04

No i think its fine to f=grieve for strangers.Shows you have empathy.

Someone died last Year i had never met.I knew her through a fan site on FB and Twitter.

Really knocked me for six,she was such a lovely women.

I think being affected is only natural.

SnackRussell · 14/10/2020 15:08

When it’s something you can relate to because it’s comparable in your own life or situation then the empathy you feel is perfectly normal! Big local news like that utterly tragic story that’s upset you will have an effect because it happened so close to home in your secure community. That story is so heartbreaking. I’d question anyone not somehow moved by that.

The outpouring of never ending public grief over Princess Diana, on the other hand, felt quite odd.

Sparklesocks · 14/10/2020 15:09

I think it's because with empathy you put yourself in the shoes of their loved ones, and try to imagine how it would feel if it was someone you knew, and so you feel sadness for all of that pain and loss.

I also think sometimes a particular story has such tragic or horrific circumstances that it really sticks with you, maybe tapping into some fear you have. I remember a few years ago there was a family whose car swept out to sea and they passed the baby through the window for rescuers because they knew there wasn't time to reach them all. It has really stayed with me.

1forAll74 · 14/10/2020 15:12

It's just utter sadness that people feel after a terrible accident, and moreso because of all the children who died, and you can see in the media , the lovely happy family together, and things will never be the same for this family.

pandarific · 14/10/2020 15:12

No, it's a human response. Sometimes things just strike a chord with you for whatever reason.

The case of the Irish rugby players who raped the girl at a house party a few years ago broke my damn heart. I cried every time I thought about it, my heart broke for her - it was the awful injustice of it.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 14/10/2020 15:13

There was a mom about 5 years ago at the same maternity hospital where I had the DCs, who walked herself out of the hospital with her baby and jumped off a cliff nearby. I was really upset about it, to the point that friends thought I should get professional help.

Maybe it was that she had known mental issues, which went ignored and that her death and of her baby was preventable?

But the accident I think you're referring to, I can totally understand someone being upset about this. Flowers