‘Grieving’ the death of strangers

[MrsRLH75]

Maybe ‘grieving’ is the wrong word but why do I, from time to time, feel the loss of strangers acutely. There was an accident near where we live two nights ago and a mum and her three children were killed. It’s floored me and I did not know these people. How can something as tragic as that happen and yet the world keeps on turning? Am I mad/strange... I just don’t know but I can’t think of anything else.

It’s really sad. I find it hard to even watch the news these days. I think it’s normal to feel sad.

When my best friend died (she was amazing and had a blog/ public profile), she got a lot of people who didn’t know her grieve for her. Which I totally understood. What was crazy though, is that, a few girls we knew from school but weren’t friends with and hadn’t seen in over 10 years. Actually came to her wake! Had loads of tea and cake, took up a whole table and stayed for ages. Then even posted pictures of their cakes and her funeral programme online. She would have been so annoyed!

It's normal and shows that you have the capacity to empathise. There was a similar tragedy about 10 years ago when a whole family including a young baby was wiped out travelling back from visiting family at Christmas. I still think of them now with sadness. And Victoria Climbie, because I had just started teaching and it was nearby.

Some things just 'get' you harder for whatever reason.

I sometimes get it but has to be something close to home, whether geographically or in some other way that is relateable. You have got to draw the line somewhere because there is too much misery in the world to grieve over all of it.

I don't really get things like crying over princess Diana. Maybe it touched some people but I think there are much sader things than that.

It's empathy and there's something wrong with people who don't have it
If you literally never feel empathy at all, then indeed, you might well have some kind of disorder. You could be psychopathic, you could be depressed, or repressing your emotions due to mental health issues.
But if your empathy really cripples you, then that could equally be the result of a disorder.

I have a friend who cries really easily. I, by contrast, find it really hard to cry in public (but will sob over my Facebook feed in private). Neither of us is a better person than the other.

There was a double murder near me recently, where one of the victims was still at school. My mind keeps going to the terror both victims must have felt, and the potential that the younger one had that will never be fulfilled. I pass their house on my way home from work, but never met either victim. It doesn't stop me empathising with them and their poor families. YANBU OP

@Crankley

I think it's a modern phenomenon which rarely existed prior to Diana's death which opened the floodgates.

Apart from the death of people I know, I don't react in an emotional way, I certainly don't cry about the death of someone I know. My only reaction would be to think, 'oh how sad'

I disagree. I had my babies before the Diana phenomenon, and hearing about an accident involving a young family would have my stomach churning, and I wouldn't be able to get them out of my mind.

Of course I didn't weep and wail publicly. There was no social media to do it in for a start. I'm also not a sentimental person and the Diana grief did my head in. But when you have children you're instinctively primed to keep them safe, and when you hear about accidents like this, it goes straight to that. It's a family like yours. You identify with them and it scares you.

I don't think it's grieving for strangers.......it's empathising and grieving for those who are left behind.

We had a similar incident on father's Day when a dad and his kids out walking their dog were all taken out by a drink driver. I can honestly say the grief floored me, I don't think I cried that much when my mum died. But it wasn't so much for those that died. It was for the poor mum left behind with nothing. She didn't even have her dog left.

And that sort of thing can happen to anyone, where things are perfectly fine and literally seconds later your whole world is gone. I think that's where the grief for strangers come from.

I'm the same OP, it's gotten worse since I became a mother and one of the reasons I avoid the news.

One story really floored me. A little boy who fell down a shaft in Spain, there was a rescue effort and when they eventually reached him he was gone. It took over a week and I remember thinking how can his parents be surviving through that pain, the not knowing if your little boy is dead or alive in that shaft. I think they lost their other child previously as well. No more news for me, it's too depressing.

Most news stories don’t get to me, which is just as well or I’d be permanently upset. But occasionally one does.

There was a documentary recently featuring an adorable, joyous little girl who was undergoing cancer treatment. For a while, it looked as though everything would turn out well. But the little girl developed a complication and tragically died. The ending to her story felt like a punch in the chest. I struggled to accept it, so I can’t begin to imagine how her family must have felt. Except that they must be so proud of their wonderful little girl.

@MrsRLH75

You are not unreasonable at all. I never understand why some people mock people who get upset if someone they have never met dies. It's even understandable to get upset over a celebrity's death IMO. Sometimes they feel part of our lives.

And yeah, it is very understandable to be upset at the death of a mother and her 3 children. It's upsetting, even if you didn't know them. I heard about this too today. Awful!

I knew a woman (vaguely,) some ten years ago, who was a mother of 2 children. I met her a few times in passing, and spoke to her maybe half a dozen times. She was murdered by her boyfriend, in front of the 2 children, after she tried to end their relationship.

I was so upset, that couldn't sleep for a week for thinking about it. And even now, after all these years, I still think about her, when I drive past where she used to live - 5-6 miles from me.

I also felt upset at the death of a man who died saving his children from drowning (in Barmouth during this summer.) Seems like such a tragic, senseless loss. He was only about 30. (The kids did survive by the way.)

I agree OP . When I heard about this horrific accident I actually wished I hadn’t read about it . I have been thinking about the family,their friends and the emergency workers ever since . Absolutely heartbreaking 😢

It is normal I think.

What I do not like though is so-called 'grief tourism'.

Taking yourself home after hearing a celebrity died is just ridiculous in my opinion. Can’t believe people do this and consider it to be the epitome of grief tourism!
Upset as the OP mentions is understandable and human empathy. I do agree with the poster that said this seems to be more of a thing for mothers/ children. It’s as though our deaths as childless women, or those of men, aren’t worth much by comparison. I obviously understand that some of the upset is directed at the loss for children not having their mum around but I still feel uncomfortable with the idea

When Diana died William and Harry were the same age as my two boys. Just seeing them was hard I wanted it not to have happened for their sake. My sadness was for them mainly.

I’m feeling very sad about this, it’s utterly heartbreaking. You’re not alone.

I think also there is a huge difference in feeling sad, floored, heartbroken etc. in yourself about it, and a huge public outpouring of grief about it.

I'm not saying that's what YOU are doing because this is an anonymous forum - but the "grief tourists" (or grief vampires) who post all over FB about how devastated they are at the death of someone they didn't know, or had no connection to - THEY are awful.
I never understood the laying of flowers outside Kensington Palace for Princess Diana either.

The situation @DaisyandRibbons was talking about, with her friend's funeral and the girls from school who turned up - THOSE are the awful types. They're using the situation for their own ends, not because they are actually sad for the loss of the friend or her family.

I had a situation where I was very badly affected by the murder of a young woman 100m up the road from my parents' house - and that was very much a "could have been me" scenario, I'd travelled that route 100s of times, late at night, on the same bus/train journey - but I didn't go and lay flowers where she was killed, that's just maudlin.

I felt the same way when I saw the article too OP. I’ve noticed since a death of a Young loved one that I’ve become more sensitive to it. I feel as if I know exactly what they are going through and what it will be like. My aunt lost her son, and I have visions of her crying all the time, not being able to sleep/eat. she’s all alone in a different country to us all. No other children there with her. I feel as if i can feel her pain even though I know in reality it will be so much worse.

The actor that played Rodney in only fools and horses, his 19 yr old son died the other week. Their only child.. . I feel so awful.

@MrsRLH75

Maybe ‘grieving’ is the wrong word but why do I, from time to time, feel the loss of strangers acutely. There was an accident near where we live two nights ago and a mum and her three children were killed. It’s floored me and I did not know these people. How can something as tragic as that happen and yet the world keeps on turning? Am I mad/strange... I just don’t know but I can’t think of anything else.

If it resonates with us personally then it's hard not to. I had a newborn ds when I saw a fatal car crash and there was a blue teddy lying in the road next to the cat, I've never forgotten about the crash because a two week old baby boy died.

I don't tend to get sad ( ex nurse). However I was watching critical care on ch 5 and this man walked out to go get his operation. On his way out he said to his room mate " i hope you get your operation soon to".

The man died on the operating table. I actually had tears in my eyes. I was just thinking he would have fallen asleep thinking he'd see his wife once the op was over and he was back in the ward.... It just made me sad thinking about it for a few days.

I'm exactly the same OP, and my exh could never understand how I could be so sad about the death of someone I didn't know, or barely knew. If it is a tragedy, such as you mentioned (I felt the same a couple of years ago when a woman and two children were killed in a car accident here, couldn't stop thinking about it for days), or a young person, or someone I know by sight then it hits me harder. You are certainly not mad or strange .

I obsess about the death of strangers to the point where I find it difficult to function on a daily basis without medication.

When I was pregnant with my first child in 2014 I had a heavy cold. I was about 6 months gone and I was sat in bed scrolling through Facebook and saw this awful news headline that five teenagers had been killed in a crash an hour away from me. They were between 16-18 years old. Loads of people were sharing it. But I remember how sad it was and I saw the funerals of some on ITV news too the following week. It does sometimes really shock you doesn't it. Especially when it's things like car crashes which change things so suddenly and cruelly for families.

Some tragic stories affect me and some don’t. I think it’s normal. I don’t tell people or make a drama out of it though, it’s more just a quiet niggle that sits in the back of my thoughts.

Totally get it, I was really upset by the four young lads and their tour manager from a band that were killed in a car crash abroad a few years ago, I thought about it for days afterwards.

It's not unreasonable to feel upset for strangers. I've watched some crime documentaries where I've cried over what the victim and their relatives have gone through. Although I do hate when you get wild public displays of grief like at Diana's funeral. There were strangers howling on the streets - I don't get that.