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Original poster

‘Grieving’ the death of strangers

108 replies

MrsRLH75 · 14/10/2020 14:09

Maybe ‘grieving’ is the wrong word but why do I, from time to time, feel the loss of strangers acutely. There was an accident near where we live two nights ago and a mum and her three children were killed. It’s floored me and I did not know these people. How can something as tragic as that happen and yet the world keeps on turning? Am I mad/strange... I just don’t know but I can’t think of anything else.

OP posts:
RealityExistsInTheHumanMind · 14/10/2020 15:21

@ReneeRol

It's empathy and there's something wrong with people who don't have it.

Well there's an empathic statement if ever I heard one.

ScatteredMama82 · 14/10/2020 15:25

I think it's totally normal. I read that story too and it hit me in the guts. I think when you have a young family, and it's a tragedy involving a young family you can't help but imagine what you would feel if it was you.

neveradullmoment99 · 14/10/2020 15:26

@MrsRLH75

Maybe ‘grieving’ is the wrong word but why do I, from time to time, feel the loss of strangers acutely. There was an accident near where we live two nights ago and a mum and her three children were killed. It’s floored me and I did not know these people. How can something as tragic as that happen and yet the world keeps on turning? Am I mad/strange... I just don’t know but I can’t think of anything else.
Me too. It really upsets me. I dont understand why either.
neveradullmoment99 · 14/10/2020 15:28

@ScatteredMama82

I think it's totally normal. I read that story too and it hit me in the guts. I think when you have a young family, and it's a tragedy involving a young family you can't help but imagine what you would feel if it was you.
And yet there ate some that don't have it and can't understand it. My husband for one. He really doesn't get it.
justasking111 · 14/10/2020 15:28

I saw this story last night mum and three children dead her OH and baby in critical care. It affected me.

Cantthinkofausename · 14/10/2020 15:31

This happens to me aswell op, a boy who was around the same age as my son was killed near my house a few months back and it absoulutly floored me for weeks.

Crankley · 14/10/2020 15:31

I think it's a modern phenomenon which rarely existed prior to Diana's death which opened the floodgates.

Apart from the death of people I know, I don't react in an emotional way, I certainly don't cry about the death of someone I know. My only reaction would be to think, 'oh how sad'

Diddumz · 14/10/2020 15:32

It's understandable...

I will never forget seeing a man being interviewed soon after his five year old daughter was killed by a drunk driver, just before Christmas.

He was utterly broken and still wearing his Xmas jumper. He said he would never celebrate Xmas again, that "it was all for her@.

I think of him often, although it happened several years ago

Crankley · 14/10/2020 15:32

someone I don't know

Didlum · 14/10/2020 15:35

Not mad just compassionate. I remember being really affected by a child abduction when i had a dd of a similar age

BogRollBOGOF · 14/10/2020 15:36

Some stranger deaths catch you harder because there is some kind of proximity of circumstance or geography that feels like it intersects.

I was upset about Diana's death because I had been about Prince Harry's age when my dad died suddenly a few years earlier and I'm about the same age as William, so it tapped into my own experience of death.

Sometimes there's a detail about a person's life that strikes a chord. There was a local runner who died of heart faliure in his sleep, same age as me and had placed in races that I'd participated in. It's the shock value of a young healthy person with overlapping lifestyle.

It's not a true grief but it can stir up bereavements or remind you of your own mortality.

thepeopleversuswork · 14/10/2020 15:44

It's empathy and there's something wrong with people who don't have it

I really can't say I agree with this.

I think its admirable when people can empathise with the pain or difficulty of strangers but saying there's "something wrong" if you don't is harsh.

People process things in different ways. Honestly I find it quite difficult to directly empathise with people who have been the victims of awful things.

Intellectually and morally I can see that its appalling but I'd be lying if I said I felt it at a profound emotional level. I don't think its unhealthy. If you felt deep empathy for everyone for whom something awful happened you'd never be able to function. At some point you have to cut off from this.

Terribletiming · 14/10/2020 15:44

I was like this about the Dunblane school shootings in the 90s I was at secondary school in Lincolnshire and they told us all in a big assembly. It affected me massively. I remember being totally shocked and upset and had to go to an orchestra practice after school. I can still remember the way I felt as if I was in a bubble. I still feel sad when I see anything about it in the news now.

unmarkedbythat · 14/10/2020 15:46

Emotions happen and sometimes there's no understanding them. I remember the Sandy Hook shootings getting to me in a way few similar events ever have, sobbing and sobbing one night over pictures of the victims. That was fairly insane, I have and had no connection with anyone involved in that horrible event but I felt overwhelming grief about it. I think as long as you're not out there telegraphing your feelings to all and sundry and trying to 'own' a grief that isn't really yours, though, it isn't a problem.

PriceEmUp · 14/10/2020 15:49

I’ve recently wondered this. I’ve started becoming quite upset at the news of family tragedies since my daughter was born. I think because I now have my own family when I hear about awful things happening to another I almost mentally put myself in their shoes and think of how utterly heartbreaking it must be.

serialreturner · 14/10/2020 15:51

@ReneeRol

It's empathy and there's something wrong with people who don't have it. It's heartbreaking to know a family has been wiped out like that. It's also scary to think, that could be any of us and our kids. One accident... We never know.

They were living their life, lots of hopes and dreams for the future, no idea what was coming next.

It's tragic.

This.

I had to take myself home from work when John Peel died.

DH didn't know what the hell was happening - I was distraught. Ugly crying, couldn't breathe.

Also when the Bloody Sunday people were vindicated - I have a lump in my throat right now thinking about it.

HoneyBee03 · 14/10/2020 15:58

I've found it upsetting too. I've been thinking about it since I saw it on the news yesterday, but now seeing a news update with their photos and information about the family and I'm almost in tears.

Since I've become a parent I've been more upset by stories like this in the news. As a PP has said, I imagine myself, my husband or my child in their shoes and it's heartbreaking.

SqidgeBum · 14/10/2020 15:58

There is nothing 'wrong' with people who dont empathise with strangers to the point of being emotionally effected. I can hear of people dying, see shows where people die, and logically know that their family is sad and its a sad situation for them, but I dont feel anything. That doesnt mean I am not capable of feeling. I am not some sort of broken psychopath. I am not about to become some serial killer. I would feel emotions if someone I knew died. I react one way, you react another way.

pastandpresent · 14/10/2020 15:58

I think it's not strange, it's natural. People project themselves and feel their fear and pain, especially if the scenario could possibly happen to you to.

username108 · 14/10/2020 15:58

People only seem to care about stuff like this if it involves a child and/or a mum. If it was just a bloke or woman people would just not care half as much. Its like your life isnt considered worthy unless your are a mum or a child.

NaughtipussMaximus · 14/10/2020 15:59

We’re nearby too and it’s shaken us. So sad.

Lollipity · 14/10/2020 16:07

You are not unreasonable. My daughter's friend's older sister was abducted and murdered a couple of years ago. I found it absolutely devastating despite never having met the girl involved. I'm not sure why I couldn't have thought it was sad and then just moved on. I felt really quite traumatised, although also fairly embarrassed as I hadn't known her.

ReallySpicyCurry · 14/10/2020 16:13

I think, for me, it's because I have a hyper awareness of the fragility of life, and how we're not really special, or protected, or different from the people to whom bad things happen.

God knows how many people carriers filled with parents and children travelled that road that day, how many accidents were avoided by a hair's breath by going a little too fast or slow, the people who could have been involved carrying on with their day without realising how close to death they were. And for no particular reason, that beautiful family were the ones all but wiped out. It could have been anyone,anytime.

It's the sheer fucking pointlessness too. Their mum is about my age. I know what it's like to devote your twenties to having children when you're not quite finished forging your own path yourself- it's a careful balance. And anyone with children know how much sheer fucking effort it is, being pregnant, giving birth, raising your babies. Only for them to have less than ten years on the earth. What the hell is the point of it all?

Most of all, I just feel so desperately sorry for the father, the surviving baby, and the family members who were on the receiving end of the worst phonecall they'll ever have.

It's just shit. I'm not one for making big displays of emotion and you wouldn't catch me laying flowers or grief touristing, but I feel it right in my gut, it's utter utter shit.

SirVixofVixHall · 14/10/2020 16:20

It is hard OP . There was a small child killed in tragic circumstances on road a few years ago and I still think of her and her family when we drive past the spot. It was so shocking and my heart went out to the family, even though I hadn’t met them.
Two decades a woman was murdered very close to where I was living ,and that sometimes comes into my mind, the sadness of it .
I think it is particularly distressing when children die, or children with their mothers, and so we do feel a collective grief.

SirVixofVixHall · 14/10/2020 16:21

Should read “on my road”