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AIBU?

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Original poster

did I undermine him or...

95 replies

elliepop88 · 14/10/2020 10:01

DS is 4 and has been suffering with a headcold the past few days, so he's been attached to me. Only wants me to do bedtime, follows me around the house. Frustrating at times but understandable as he is ill.

Yesterday evening, he was tired around 6.30 as he didn't nap all day. It was close to bedtime and he was so ready. Me and DP were in the living room with him and his little sister. Then DP asked DS if he wanted a cuddle. DS said 'no, i don't want daddy'. DP told DS he could leave the room if he didn't want him in there. DS started to get upset at this as he was tired and just wanted me. DP told him again to leave the room if he didn't want him there. I said to DP 'just leave him over here with me, he's ill and tired'.

So DP took this as me undermining him in front of the kids. Then in bed last night, he called me some names and told me i could get up with the kids this morning, even though it was his day. So i got up with 2 sick kids after an awful night.

Did i actually undermine him? Thinking about it now, i feel like him telling DS to leave the room was quite aggressive. DS is only 4 ffs.

OP posts:
Scweltish · 14/10/2020 10:03

What do you mean exactly? Did your do try and send ds out of the living room?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/10/2020 10:04

DS was perfectly within his rights to day no to a cuddle, but it does sound a bit rude they was he said it. Your dh reaction was ridiculous though. He's acting like a petty child.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/10/2020 10:06

Undermine!!!! I'd undermine a moody man child like that to. Ill children need love.

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/10/2020 10:09

Yeah that’s not ok of your DH, children are often clingy for one or other parent when they’re ill, your DH acted like a child - I’d be having serious words with him, especially given his behaviour this morning. Your DS has an excuse, your DH not so much.

earthtopluto · 14/10/2020 10:10

I don't understand why your DP sent him out of the room because he didn't want a cuddle?

Thisisnotnormal69 · 14/10/2020 10:11

DP should have said something like “that’s not a very nice thing to say but it’s ok if you don’t feel like a cuddle” or maybe in reply you could just take him to bed. I don’t know, he’s young and if he doesn’t generally have bad manners/say things that could be mean that it’s just because he’s ill and exhausted

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2020 10:12

Why was he calling you names? It wasn’t your fault your child was ill and wanted you. You were right, he was being immature and unsupportive. Being the chosen parent is hard work. You’d have had an easier time if DS had wanted his dad!

Trisolaris · 14/10/2020 10:15

He doesn’t get to opt out of parenting today because either you or your ds hurt his feelings.

Your son didn’t want a cuddle, he’s allowed to have his own boundaries. Your DH then escalated that by telling him to leave the room. He was being a dick to your child and you quite rightly told him to stop.

Original poster
elliepop88 · 14/10/2020 10:18

Yeah he was trying to send DS out because he didn't want to be near his daddy.

He went to bed annoyed at me, I told him I don't care and he said I never do. I have undermined him before and apologised for it when I've realised. I'm not apologising this time.

In bed, he asked 'does this mean we're staying like this?', (meaning not talking). I said yeah I guess so. About ten seconds later, he called me names because he was pissed off at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
elliepop88 · 14/10/2020 10:19

Yeah i told him i've can't just shirk his parenting responsibilities because he's stropping. Ugh

OP posts:
Dugsbollox · 14/10/2020 10:20

Your "D"P is being a giant child. Your son is 4yo, unwell, and just didn't want a hug/to move from where he was comfortable/just wanted to be with you. Your OH was unreasonable to be a dick about it and try to send him out of the room.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 10:22

Your p sounds like a dick.

Da didn't want to cuddle Daddy so he has to go in another room?

Does he have gotten for bullying you and the kids into doing what he wants?

What happens when you say no about other stuff?

PegasusReturns · 14/10/2020 10:22

A sick four year old saying “no I don’t want daddy” is not rude.

Children are not obligated to cuddle any more than adults are and punishing a child for failing to comply with such a request is horrible behaviour.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/10/2020 10:24

He’s a prick. Who can’t regulate his feelings like a mature adult. He behaved like a spiteful, petulant arse.

You’re lumbered with a substandard partner. Flowers

Clymene · 14/10/2020 10:26

What a pathetic man child. And what a convenient excuse to opt out of parenting.

Also a child has the right to boundaries and that includes refusing a cuddle from anyone, even a parent. Punishing a child for refusing to be touched is a really dodgy message to teach them.

elenacampana · 14/10/2020 10:27

I’m completely on your partner’s side. You’d child shouldn’t talk to his parent that way, it’s not okay and you shouldn’t let him get away with it.

Beamur · 14/10/2020 10:31

Every on the thread has already said it. Your DP is being pathetic and vindictive.
Cut the poorly child some slack and then to have a go at you and shirk his turn because his feelings were hurt. You've got 3 kids...

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 10:31

@elenacampana

I’m completely on your partner’s side. You’d child shouldn’t talk to his parent that way, it’s not okay and you shouldn’t let him get away with it.
😂😂 I'm assuming you're joking
OrangeGinLemonFanta · 14/10/2020 10:36

What's your DP like when it comes to respecting your physical boundaries, just out of curiosity?

Mallysmomma · 14/10/2020 10:39

Honestly I think it was handled badly from everyone. Your DP is clearly being out of order telling a sick child to leave the room but whilst your DS is within his rights to say no to a cuddle, it sounds as though he was quite rude and disrespectful to his dad which is where you should of stepped in and said something along the lines of that’s fine if you would rather have mommy right now but that’s no reason to be rude to dad and by you allowing DS to be rude to dad and essentially backing him up it separates you and DP which is not good for family harmony.

EyeSeeWhatYouDidThere · 14/10/2020 10:42

@Clymene I came here to say exactly that, I've got a 9mo and I always ask if I can have a cuddle or a kiss, if she shakes her head or pulls away I respect that. She may be little but it's important to me that she feels able to say no confidently. As you say it's really dodgy teaching them they'll be punished for having physical boundaries!

Soubriquet · 14/10/2020 10:43

It’s a 4 year old child who is ill. Of course they want their mum.

Children usually do

He was a sulky arse to be offended by the rejection

MJMG2015 · 14/10/2020 10:44

DP is horrible

What a nasty way to treat a sick 4 year old

Yes, it hurts when they don't want you, but part of being a parent, an adult, is not being a twat about it!

Jesus wept, what does he think he's teaching his child? That it's OK for an adult to be horrible to you if you don't want them to touch you - you NEED to point out the fucking obvious with that one.

I couldn't be with someone who treat my child like this & I wouldn't be with someone who treat me like he treat you last night/this morning.

Pumperthepumper · 14/10/2020 10:44

@Mallysmomma

Honestly I think it was handled badly from everyone. Your DP is clearly being out of order telling a sick child to leave the room but whilst your DS is within his rights to say no to a cuddle, it sounds as though he was quite rude and disrespectful to his dad which is where you should of stepped in and said something along the lines of that’s fine if you would rather have mommy right now but that’s no reason to be rude to dad and by you allowing DS to be rude to dad and essentially backing him up it separates you and DP which is not good for family harmony.
He’s an ill four year old! Totally bizarre that your advice is to force him to be appealing to his dad at all times so his dad doesn’t overreact. Pathetic.
LavaCake · 14/10/2020 10:44

He was being ridiculous. Who sends a sick 4yo out of the room for not wanting a cuddle? Doesn’t he realise that as a parent it’s his job to be there for his kids, not their job to be there for him??

And then calling you names and deciding he’s not going to be a parent today because of it is the icing on the cake.

You didn’t undermine him. He was being needlessly difficult and your only ‘crime’ is putting the needs of your young child before the sulkiness of your husband.

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