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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

did I undermine him or...

95 replies

elliepop88 · 14/10/2020 10:01

DS is 4 and has been suffering with a headcold the past few days, so he's been attached to me. Only wants me to do bedtime, follows me around the house. Frustrating at times but understandable as he is ill.

Yesterday evening, he was tired around 6.30 as he didn't nap all day. It was close to bedtime and he was so ready. Me and DP were in the living room with him and his little sister. Then DP asked DS if he wanted a cuddle. DS said 'no, i don't want daddy'. DP told DS he could leave the room if he didn't want him in there. DS started to get upset at this as he was tired and just wanted me. DP told him again to leave the room if he didn't want him there. I said to DP 'just leave him over here with me, he's ill and tired'.

So DP took this as me undermining him in front of the kids. Then in bed last night, he called me some names and told me i could get up with the kids this morning, even though it was his day. So i got up with 2 sick kids after an awful night.

Did i actually undermine him? Thinking about it now, i feel like him telling DS to leave the room was quite aggressive. DS is only 4 ffs.

OP posts:

SummerWhisper · 14/10/2020 12:22

It sounds like your son already has the measure of his unpleasant father. Does he try to spend more time with you as a rule? This probably isn't going to get any better or easier. Protect your children from this bully.

Shetoshe · 14/10/2020 12:24

He sounds like a prick. His little, delicate ego was bruised when a four year old denied him a hug - what a twat. It's not a good lesson for your DS either - emotional manipulation and teaching him if he doesn't accept unwanted touch adults get cross with him.

You did not undermine him and if he was my husband I would be sending him out of the room, not an unwell four year old. My four year old says exactly the same sort of thing to her dad and he accepts it. He doesn't try and punish her for her very normal preference for her mother.

He sounds incredibly disrespectful of you all OP...

chickenyhead · 14/10/2020 12:26

Which one is 4 years old? I'm confused

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 12:27

Ok, so DP is n amazing Daddy, the children usually adore him and this was a one off he bitterly regrets etc.

Then in bed last night, he called me some names and told me i could get up with the kids this morning, even though it was his day
So what about that? Did he apologise? Is THAT typical? Is the storming out if he doesn't get his own way?

SpaceOP · 14/10/2020 12:30

Your DH behaved appallingly. DS didn't want daddy - perfectly reasonable. DH tried to make him leave the room - disgusting. Dh then tantrum and called you names - unacceptable. Then he decided to just ditch parenting responsibilities - he's a peach.

Parenting shouldn't be transactional ie the children don't have to be fun and cute and funny and loving all the time in order to be parented. Your DH was being a child and unfair and this kind of behaviour drives me crazy.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/10/2020 12:37

Wow. So not wanting to cuddle someone (always optional), means a 4yo should leave the room as punishment? For what? For failing to perform affection at a time when he was just tired and wanted to go to bed? How needy and manipulative is your DH?!!

Was there more to it? Did your DS try to demand that his dad leave the room? Why? Was his dad continuing to hassle him for a hug? Or was DS just trying it on because he was tired and irritable? Obviously that demand should be met with a firm 'no, this is Daddy's home too and he's always welcome in the living room'. But a tit for tit 'you get out', 'no you get out!' is horrible and incredibly childish.

Calling you names and withdrawing from parenting to punish you, is incredibly childish and nasty too.

Kaiserin · 14/10/2020 12:41

So... To summarize...
Your DP was being abusive towards your unwell child (out of sheer jealousy)
You called him out on that (and quite rightly).
Then he was abusive towards you, and enacted some kind of petty revenge.
Sounds about right, eh?

He needs to take his bruised ego down a peg or two. He needs to grow up, and stop acting like a vindictive child. He needs to respect your child's boundaries. He needs to understand that just because his feelings are hurt, doesn’t mean he can act like an arse. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions and emotions, and stop being a bully.

BurtonHouse · 14/10/2020 13:02

He's behaving as much like a 4 year old as your 4 year old.
Very sexy.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 14/10/2020 13:06

He does sound a lot like my ex tbh.

Nottherealslimshady · 14/10/2020 13:11

He's a twat and let his own upset at his son not wanting a cuddle off him affect his parenting. He wanted to punish his son because he was jealous.
He needs to remember that parenting isn't a popularity contest and he needs to apologise to his so for overreacting and being mean to him when he was ill.

Mellonsprite · 14/10/2020 13:14

DH was very immature and now won’t backtrack and say sorry.
I understand it can’t have been nice to hear that from DS but he should be able to make an allowance for an ill and tired child and say something like, ‘it’s ok you don’t want a hug but it makes me a little upset to hear you don’t want daddy in the room either’ (if that is even the case here, then move on.

FrenchJunebug · 14/10/2020 13:17

your DP has problems.

ScatteredMama82 · 14/10/2020 13:18

This happened with DH once. We were away on holiday, so we had DS in room with us. He was full of cold and really grotty (only about 10 months old). DH got up to him when he cried in the night, but couldn't settle him. I got up and took DS (I said something like 'here, I'll take him for a bit' ) and DS settled almost straight away. My DH sulked off back to bed and then ignored the other times DS cried in the night.

DH apologised profusely the next day, he explained he felt quite hurt really that DS didn't want him, but in the light of day he realised that he was being daft and of course DS would settle quickly for me given that I did 80% of the time with him while DH was at work.

It's normal for your DH to feel a bit put out, but he should be grown up enough to not take it personally.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 14/10/2020 13:22

We spoke and he said it wasn't about the cuddle, it was because DS just didn't want DP around.

He's 4, all he said was 'I don't want Daddy'. He didn't say he doesn't want Daddy around. He just wanted his mum and was being honest. Telling him to leave the room for being ill and honest is so wrong.

Well done for calling him on it OP. I suspect many women would have just apoligised to 'keep the peace' and just end up encouraging this.

chickenyhead · 14/10/2020 13:30

My ex did this once.

I had decorated my DDs room, got her new furniture and everything, so she wanted to sleep in her new room for the first week, not at his.

He created like your DP, saying that he might as well go and that he was so so hurt, we even had tears from him.

The result was my 6 year old begging for him to stay, clinging to his leg on the floor and my 14 and 10 yos crying to me about how utterly heartless he was being.

He doesn't come to my house anymore and his visitation is supervised.

zaffa · 14/10/2020 14:01

@elliepop88 just so I can understand, did he not want a cuddle with his dad or did he want his father to leave the room he was in, so he could cuddle with you alone? Where was your daughter?
I absolutely do not think it is rude of DS to want to cuddle with mummy and not daddy. I do think it is rude for him to tell his father to leave the room so he can cuddle with you alone (and I'm not sure which of the two have happened, because you say he didn't want a cuddle but also he didn't want your DP there at all?)
Either way the response was not to send a poorly 4 year old out of the room he was in, but if it was the latter (telling his father to leave the room) then I would have expected you to comment and say that it's ok he wants mummy cuddles and he doesn't need to have daddy cuddles but daddy will stay in the room as he doesn't have to leave so DS can have his mummy cuddles.
And then where was your daughter? Was she also in the room and who was looking after : interacting with her?

Pumperthepumper · 14/10/2020 17:45

He's not normally like this, he's a hands on daddy and the kids love playing with him, he gets immersed into it and loves the time with them.

He loves playing with them but looks for reasons not to have to actually care for them in the morning? Yeah, he’s a real prince.

newnameforthis123 · 14/10/2020 19:04

@Pumperthepumper

He's not normally like this, he's a hands on daddy and the kids love playing with him, he gets immersed into it and loves the time with them.

He loves playing with them but looks for reasons not to have to actually care for them in the morning? Yeah, he’s a real prince.

This. I get you feel protective of him OP but he wasn't just a dick for a minute, he carried it on and tried to punish you. He sounds like a prick.

Notenoughchocolateomg · 14/10/2020 20:08

Well he sounds like a pig. Some parents can't handle rejection from their children. It drives me mad. Forced affection is not affection ffs. He sounds awful. Your poor little boy

katy1213 · 14/10/2020 20:11

What a pathetic little man.

sunshinesheila · 14/10/2020 20:19

What names did he call you?

Wrenna · 14/10/2020 20:19

Your DP was totally unreasonable and making it all about him. However I would have said to ds “how would we say that nicely?” as it was rude but come on he’s four!

gamerchick · 14/10/2020 20:24

@elenacampana

I’m completely on your partner’s side. You’d child shouldn’t talk to his parent that way, it’s not okay and you shouldn’t let him get away with it.

You would petulantly send your ill 4 yr old out of the room for saying they didn't want you?

Who's 4 here?

romeolovedjulliet · 14/10/2020 20:25

@Mallysmomma

Honestly I think it was handled badly from everyone. Your DP is clearly being out of order telling a sick child to leave the room but whilst your DS is within his rights to say no to a cuddle, it sounds as though he was quite rude and disrespectful to his dad which is where you should of stepped in and said something along the lines of that’s fine if you would rather have mommy right now but that’s no reason to be rude to dad and by you allowing DS to be rude to dad and essentially backing him up it separates you and DP which is not good for family harmony.

ds is 4 what a load of bolly. dh needs a hefty kick up the arse for actting more like a toddler.

romeolovedjulliet · 14/10/2020 20:26

@Pumperthepumper

He's not normally like this, he's a hands on daddy and the kids love playing with him, he gets immersed into it and loves the time with them.

He loves playing with them but looks for reasons not to have to actually care for them in the morning? Yeah, he’s a real prince.

yeah, he's real twat.

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