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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

did I undermine him or...

95 replies

elliepop88 · 14/10/2020 10:01

DS is 4 and has been suffering with a headcold the past few days, so he's been attached to me. Only wants me to do bedtime, follows me around the house. Frustrating at times but understandable as he is ill.

Yesterday evening, he was tired around 6.30 as he didn't nap all day. It was close to bedtime and he was so ready. Me and DP were in the living room with him and his little sister. Then DP asked DS if he wanted a cuddle. DS said 'no, i don't want daddy'. DP told DS he could leave the room if he didn't want him in there. DS started to get upset at this as he was tired and just wanted me. DP told him again to leave the room if he didn't want him there. I said to DP 'just leave him over here with me, he's ill and tired'.

So DP took this as me undermining him in front of the kids. Then in bed last night, he called me some names and told me i could get up with the kids this morning, even though it was his day. So i got up with 2 sick kids after an awful night.

Did i actually undermine him? Thinking about it now, i feel like him telling DS to leave the room was quite aggressive. DS is only 4 ffs.

OP posts:

Pumperthepumper · 14/10/2020 10:45

What a convenient excuse to not have to see to his own children too. He’s a shit father.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 10:51

Those that think the poorly 4 yo was rude, what would you have had him say?
"gosh Daddy that's such a kind question but right now I'm feeling a little vulnerable and I find Mommy meets my needs in a more perceptive moment at times like this? Perhaps we can cuddle tomorrow?" ??

Sexnotgender · 14/10/2020 11:00

@elenacampana

I’m completely on your partner’s side. You’d child shouldn’t talk to his parent that way, it’s not okay and you shouldn’t let him get away with it.

So, just to clarify. A child isn’t allowed to decline a hug if they don’t want one? Zero bodily autonomy? Excellent...

Clymene · 14/10/2020 11:01

It is not rude nor disrespectful to refuse physical contact with another person. Ever.

Sexnotgender · 14/10/2020 11:02

Your partner is an immature arse.

Suzi888 · 14/10/2020 11:03

Your DH needs to grow up. No you did not undermine him.

oatmilk4breakfast · 14/10/2020 11:05

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Micawbs · 14/10/2020 11:06

Sounds like your son has a lot of sense. He knew his Dad wouldn’t be a comfort to him and he was right.

Cocomarine · 14/10/2020 11:09

Interesting that after days of your sick child being a limpet to you, his dad asks if he wants a cuddle - seemingly apropos of nothing? I’d be considering the possibility that your boyfriend asked for the cuddle precise because he was in some pathetic jealous mood about. Which makes his behaviour even worse

Lolalovesmarmite · 14/10/2020 11:15

I can’t get past how cruel it is to try and send a poorly 4 year old out of the room for saying no to a cuddle. Sorry but your partner sounds like an immature, self centred prick.

ShebaShimmyShake · 14/10/2020 11:18

@elenacampana

I’m completely on your partner’s side. You’d child shouldn’t talk to his parent that way, it’s not okay and you shouldn’t let him get away with it.

Get away with what?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 14/10/2020 11:31

To me, undermining someone is when one parent has already said no to something then the other says yes, or goes against pre-agreed 'family rules' around behaviour, discipline etc (eg one parent gives a punishment that is proportionate and normal in that house and the other parent says to the child there is no reason to do that).

This is more just a disagreement. And most people would agree that your husband was unreasonable given your son was ill and upset. It's wrong to demand affection and punish if affection is withheld under any circumstances. It's also simply not going to work, no child is going to want a cuddle when they are being threatened with punishment for non compliance. You were protecting your son from someone who wasn't being reasonable. I am not sure what else you could have done other than say 'I'll come with you, let's go upstairs' to your son. If your husband thinks you're undermining him is he honestly saying a house rule should be to show physical affection on demand or have to go into time out? What does he think that's going to teach them about consent and bodily autonomy?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 14/10/2020 11:33

Also calling you names is wrong whatever the disagreement was about. And punishing you by not getting up is just pathetic. It sounds like he has some issues around communication if he can't argue without insults or following up with petty forms of punishment to get his point across

ThirstyGhost · 14/10/2020 11:39

You must be knackered and the last think you need is this sulky, stroppy manchild nonsense What hacks me off with a man like this is that if your son had been clinging to him for a few days with a cold he'd get annoyed with this too and somehow still manage to blame you for it. And what the poster above said is really important I think, "It's wrong to demand affection and punish if affection is withheld under any circumstances." You did not undermine him. He's being a twat.

BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet · 14/10/2020 11:44

He is being ridiculous. He should have said 'it's fine not to have a hug but it isn't nice to say you don't want Daddy' then let it go. He's a sick four year old.

ScarMatty · 14/10/2020 11:55

Your child was not rude. Your child is 4 years old and responded perfectly fine.

Your DH is a knob

Indecisivelurcher · 14/10/2020 11:57

This could be my post op.

DParse · 14/10/2020 11:59

@PegasusReturns

A sick four year old saying “no I don’t want daddy” is not rude.

Children are not obligated to cuddle any more than adults are and punishing a child for failing to comply with such a request is horrible behaviour.

Well said.

My XH used to get angry with me for undermining him. I "undermined" him because he was so vile to the children.

Sceptre86 · 14/10/2020 12:03

My dd is a daddy's girl through and through, she quite often chooses daddy cuddles instead of mine. It hurts my feelings sometimes but not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things. When she is ill she always wants me. She too is 4 and I would never order her out of the room for something like that. He is being massively unreasonable and behaving like an idiot. Yanbu

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 14/10/2020 12:05

@Lolalovesmarmite

I can’t get past how cruel it is to try and send a poorly 4 year old out of the room for saying no to a cuddle. Sorry but your partner sounds like an immature, self centred prick.

Agree.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 14/10/2020 12:07

Your DP sounds horrible! Who reacts like that to a sick child? You were entirely in the right. I also can’t stand bullying men who accuse their wives / female partners of “undermining”’them when they are bullying the children.

He also doesn’t get to duck out of his parenting time because she doesn’t like something you’ve done - it’s not a favourite to you that he can withdraw, it’s his job to do! Perhaps they’d want him a bit more if he didn’t make it so clear that parenting was basically your job for him to come in and out as he chooses?

Original poster

elliepop88 · 14/10/2020 12:17

We spoke and he said it wasn't about the cuddle, it was because DS just didn't want DP around. He doesn't think he was aggressive, but I told him he didn't have to try to send DS out for not wanting his daddy around. DP ended up storming out when I 'undermined' him anyway, but whatever. He agrees he should have handled it differently.

He's not normally like this, he's a hands on daddy and the kids love playing with him, he gets immersed into it and loves the time with them.

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 14/10/2020 12:18

So he's a "good"dad but a piss poor husband?

Pangwin · 14/10/2020 12:19

Your dp was utterly horrible to your 4 year old. Who treats a poorly child like that? And as for undermining him? Well if he acts like a brat and tries to punish a young child for something as trivial as this then he deserves to be undermined. Although I wouldn't really call it undermining in this instance as you were standing up for your poorly child when his father was being a cruel, unreasonable prick.

Also, I can't believe the number of posters on here who think the 4 year old was rude or out of order in some way. What is wrong with you people??? He's 4. He's ill. He probably doesn't have the vocabulary to articulate in any further detail why he doesn't want his dad. He doesn't need correcting or being told off for saying that he doesn't want a cuddle. He's perfectly within his rights to say no. If he had shouted "I don't want a cuddle from you, you miserable insufferable moron" then I would say you had a point. He didn't. He was honest and matter of fact. He didn't want daddy at that moment in time.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/10/2020 12:21

@EKGEMS

So he's a "good"dad but a piss poor husband?

Oh for gods sake, he handled something badly and apologised, what's the point in making an issue of it (unless it happens regularly of course but the OP hasn't said that's the case)

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