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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

did I undermine him or...

95 replies

elliepop88 · 14/10/2020 10:01

DS is 4 and has been suffering with a headcold the past few days, so he's been attached to me. Only wants me to do bedtime, follows me around the house. Frustrating at times but understandable as he is ill.

Yesterday evening, he was tired around 6.30 as he didn't nap all day. It was close to bedtime and he was so ready. Me and DP were in the living room with him and his little sister. Then DP asked DS if he wanted a cuddle. DS said 'no, i don't want daddy'. DP told DS he could leave the room if he didn't want him in there. DS started to get upset at this as he was tired and just wanted me. DP told him again to leave the room if he didn't want him there. I said to DP 'just leave him over here with me, he's ill and tired'.

So DP took this as me undermining him in front of the kids. Then in bed last night, he called me some names and told me i could get up with the kids this morning, even though it was his day. So i got up with 2 sick kids after an awful night.

Did i actually undermine him? Thinking about it now, i feel like him telling DS to leave the room was quite aggressive. DS is only 4 ffs.

OP posts:

Meerkatmummy4 · 14/10/2020 20:28

To be honest ds4 always wants to cuddle with me if he's in a cuddly mood. He doesn't often want to snuggle in with his daddy and dp doesn't take it personally. The pair of them have lots of fun playing together and are very close but they don't tend to cuddle in

newnameforthis123 · 14/10/2020 20:31

What names did he call you by the way?

ArnieLinson · 14/10/2020 20:32

i only had to read the heading and without opening the thread knew i would be thinking yanbu.

What an awful shit of a father. Refusing to look after sick children because his sick child wanted a cuddle off mummy and not daddy?! What an atrocious Excuse of a father.

And then calling his wife names?!

Awful man.

Gobbycop · 14/10/2020 20:32

The last few words of your original post say it all.

He's 4 years old ffs.

Yet his dad is acting like more of a child. Pathetic.

caringcarer · 14/10/2020 20:35

Which one is biggest child the 4 year old or your do? I would refuse to give him a cuddle too.

tara66 · 14/10/2020 20:38

Does this man think he is entitled to force himself onto a 4 year old - sick or not?

Leaannb · 14/10/2020 20:44

@AryaStarkWolf....Laying in bed and calling his wife names is vile and abusive. Its that behavior that makes him a piss poor husband. Fake ass apologies mean nothing

elephantontheroofeatingcake · 14/10/2020 21:01

His behaviour was horrid to your child and you and he stayed in a strop all night? This isn't normal or ok

Dobbyismyfavourite · 14/10/2020 21:03

Your DH is an arse and needs to grow up. Often young children when ill favour one parent for comfort. As a adult the other parent needs to realise its not personal and react - like i grown up rather than a sulky child.

Justwingingmotherhood · 14/10/2020 21:07

Who the fuck sends a 4 year old out of a room for not wanting a cuddle?! GTFO.

Oysterbabe · 14/10/2020 21:09

My children often reject daddy in favour of me and he takes it on the chin. Even when the 2 year old says 'I don't like you daddy, I like mummy' Kids says this stuff, they don't mean it. Sometimes only mummy will do.
He behaved like a child and he was awful to your poor son.

Regularsizedrudy · 14/10/2020 21:11

Your husband sounds like a twat. He’s acting like a spoilt child.
Poorly 4yo did not want a cuddle. There is nothing wrong with that.
Interested to know what names he called you? He sounds horrible.

billy1966 · 14/10/2020 21:32

What a nasty man, to his sick child and his wife.

Name calling at you.

Any excuse to avoid parenting.

Protect your children and yourself.

He's no prize.
He's a poor excuse as a man, father and husband.

JovialNickname · 15/10/2020 18:15

You're right... provided you're not going to come back and complain in 6 months that your children only want you all the time, and their father won't try to look after them when they're ill or tired! He handled it the wrong way but I think you should have shown some solidarity "oh go to daddy he wants a cuddle too" or something. You're instilling yourself as default parent; make sure you're happy with that.

ArnieLinson · 15/10/2020 19:26

@JovialNickname

I would rather instil myself as default parent, than instil the idea that an adult is entitled to physical affection from a child who doesn't want it.

Pumperthepumper · 15/10/2020 22:13

You're instilling yourself as default parent

Surely her husband is the one doing that when he punishes his ill four year old for not stroking his ego, then all of his children by withholding caring for them to punish his wife? Or should the OP do exactly the same as him so she’s not the ‘default parent’?

SimplyRadishing · 15/10/2020 22:48

Your DP is a prick.
Punishing a sick 4 year old for not wanting a hug???
As an adult if my DH offered me a hug and i declined I won't expect to be told to leave room. If an adult shouldn't have to leave a room because they dont want a hug why should a child???

Wearywithteens · 15/10/2020 23:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

DeliciouslyFemale · 15/10/2020 23:14

@elenacampana

I’m completely on your partner’s side. You’d child shouldn’t talk to his parent that way, it’s not okay and you shouldn’t let him get away with it.

Absolutely. OP should have lifted her son and forced him to hug his father, because children have no right to body autonomy.

Proudling · 16/10/2020 09:45

Jesus I’m shocked at the people on here saying a poorly child should be forced to hug when they don’t want to. Don’t teach children they should give their bodies & emotions over when demanded ffs.

Children go through phases of parental preference. That’s NORMAL! And a functioning adult parent should be able to put their hurt ego aside to allow for it. He won’t win bud DS round by being nasty to him anyway!

Wait until DS is a teenager. Teens might not want to be in the same room as you so it’s to be hoped your DH gets over his hurt ego issues by then.

You did the right thing OP. It’s not undermining to stop the other parent being mean to a child. It’s protecting and it’s your job and duty to do so.

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