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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not consider surrogacy for SIL when I would for my sister?

391 replies

nervousnelly8 · 13/10/2020 21:32

DH's sister has longstanding fertility problems. She has been told surrogacy would be her best option. DH and I were discussing today whether I would consider acting as a surrogate in future (she hasn't asked me directly but has raised it with DH).

I came down pretty firmly on the no side. I'm currently very pregnant with DC2 and I do not enjoy pregnancy. I had bad birth injuries with DC1 and am very apprehensive about going through it again, but know it will be worth it if we get a healthy baby out at the end.

Selfishly, I just don't feel willing to but my body through a pregnancy/birth for SIL, with all the risks that it entails. We're not sure yet if we would like more children after DC2, so that plays a part too.

DH asked if I would be willing to do it for anyone else. And the honest answer was that I would do it for my own sister. I would do anything for my sister. DH understood but was visibly upset, and I now feel like a selfish cow. AIBU?

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 14/10/2020 08:37

Easy to say when you have children.

Bullshit.

I think its easy to discuss the exploitation and emotional blackmail of women and how surrogacy is the commodification of babies regardless of whether you have your own or not.

Someone without a child might wish to speak about ethics and morality for their own selfish ends but it doesn't change those ethics and morality.

In fact anyone considering surrogacy needs to understand these issues more than anyone else because if they then decide to have a baby through surrogacy they are going to have to live with those issues possibly playing out in some way.

I certainly would think less of someone knowing they are happy to minimise the abuse of women just so they could get what they want.

I do not think anyone childless should be given an easy ride over this. Not when there is potential for the mother to die in the process of having a baby, particularly if that mother already has dependent children of her own who already need their mother. They should always come before the wants of an infertile couple.

RedToothBrush · 14/10/2020 08:42

Your DH is not horrible for asking though. He probably hasn't considered all of the difficulties involved in pregnancy or the potential for serious risks to your health and instead is just seeing his Dsis in pain and in need.

I think your husband not considering these things is pretty damn dickish and horrible tbh. It shows how little he respects his wife and how little he listened to and understands the stress and trauma of current and previous pregnancies.

Honestly if a husband doesn't get this then im not sure what a relationship has left in it.

unmarkedbythat · 14/10/2020 08:48

Your body, your choice. A really simple phrase because it is a really simple concept. Why people struggle with it I do not know.

My bff asked me to be a surrogate. I seriously considered it but didn't do it. She considered paying for surrogacy abroad but came to the conclusion that level of exploitation couldn't be justified by her yearning to be a parent. My heart does ache for her but she doesn't have rights over other women's bodies and knows this.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 14/10/2020 08:54

[quote nervousnelly8]@Howlooseisyourgoose sorry didn't mean to ignore. He asked and I told him the truth. It possibly was tactless, but my sister is younger and has not TTC yet. If she were to end up in the same horrible situation as SIL is, I know I would help if I could.[/quote]
OP, I think I’ve changed my mind after reading everyone’s views. I agree you weren’t tactless, he should never even have brought it up. As a man, he has no real concept of what pregnancy does to a woman’s body.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 14/10/2020 08:55

From a practical level, when exactly would this surrogacy take place. You're going to have 2 young kids, being pregnant with a third is bloody hard work (I know I've been there).

Also, sex, you and your husband would have to abstain, as no contraceptive is 100%.

Has he thought about any of this?

That aside, I dont think you're unreasonable to say a might big fuck that to the idea.

Pumpertrumper · 14/10/2020 08:59

I don’t have a sister but I do have a SIL.
There were fertility struggles I believe. Not sure the extent but the thought briefly crossed my mind that I could be in the surrogacy line up.

I wouldn’t do it. Mainly because I don’t enjoy pregnancy but also because I wouldn’t trust myself not to get overly attached. I’d worry I’d not be able to give the child up at the end.

This is one thing you will NEVER be unreasonable about OP! Xx

BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet · 14/10/2020 09:25

@RedToothBrush

How patronising of you and also totally illogical. Any mother who gets pregnant when she already has kids risks dying in childbirth leaving her existig kids motherless just due to her selfish want to have another child. This is no different to a woman who decides to be a surrogate for another couple. Everything we do carries risk and as adults we can decide which risks we're willing to take and for what reasons. People choose to ride motorbikes, do parachute jumps and plenty of other activites which all carry risk. As adults they get to decide which risks are acceptable to them and why. It's totally fine to do something which carries risks for selfless reasons.

I liked pregnancy and if someone I loved asked me to be a surrogate I'd be happy to accept those risks. I wouldn't have an objection to being asked to be a surrogate, even if I eventually said no. I resent the suggestion that no one should ask me because some idiot on the internet has decided she knows the risks and benefits better than I do.

Of course no one should be pressured financially or emotionally to act as a surrogate but the discussion shouldn't be shut down by people like you who think they know better how other people should lead their lives (usually because they've swallowed a certain political ideology).

RedToothBrush · 14/10/2020 09:29

Im sorry but there is a big difference between taking that risk yourself and adking someone elses family to take the risk.

BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet · 14/10/2020 09:34

@RedToothBrush

It doesn't matter. It's not for you to decide when and how someone takes that risk. I personally wouldn't be a surrogate for a stranger (although know some people are happy to) but would for someone I love. I would love to be able to give them a child they couldn't have otherwie. Other people would never be a surrogate for anyone that's fine too. When I had another child I risked my life (although realistically the risk was very small) because I wanted another child. That is no less selfish than someone else wanting another child. If anything it's more selfish because I already had a child.

You don't know more about other people's lives than they do. You can decide for yourself whether you become a surrogate or whether you ask anyone else to act as a surrogate for you. You absolutely don't have the right to dictate to me what I do with my body and why. The fact that you are attempting to is merely a display of massive arrogance.

tldr · 14/10/2020 09:34

@BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet

Do you believe children are gifts to be created and handed over? Is there an age when this stops being acceptable?

IheartJKR · 14/10/2020 09:36

@RedToothBrush

I agree with everything you said and I thought your post was very measured and insightful.

RedToothBrush · 14/10/2020 09:37

So the emotional manipulation and exploitation of asking someone else to do it isnt a problem for you?

Ok then.

Im sorry but yes it is for me to make that decision about how vile, disgusted and revolting that is.

Having children or not having children makes no difference to whether you can see this.

formerbabe · 14/10/2020 09:38

Ive read it all now...selfish?! For not wanting to gestate someone else's baby...fuck me, this be kind shit has really gone ott now

PurpleDaisies · 14/10/2020 09:41

@formerbabe

Ive read it all now...selfish?! For not wanting to gestate someone else's baby...fuck me, this be kind shit has really gone ott now
I don’t think anyone has said the op was selfish for not wanting to participate in surrogacy.

There’s some debate about whether the conversation the husband and the SIL had was out of order or not, and whether the dh should have ever mentioned it to the op but seriously, nobody is saying the op is selfish for not wanting to carry a baby for them.

BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet · 14/10/2020 09:42

@formerbabe who said she was selfish for not wanting to be a surrogate? Literally no one!

EachPeachPearSums · 14/10/2020 09:44

He's being a fool and shouldn't have asked a question he didn't want an honest answer to and frankly why is he stressing you when you're weeks away from giving birth. You're far more patient than me. I'd be cross and not give a stuff what he or his sister wanted. It's YOUR body. You can say no for any reason and you should t have to share the reason! Visibly upset! Indeed! How about visibly upsetting your very pregnant wife. Twat.

BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet · 14/10/2020 09:45

@RedToothBrush

Im sorry but yes it is for me to make that decision about how vile, disgusted and revolting that is.

Wow what an arrogant person you are. So you think you know better than me what I want to do with my body for what reasons? You think you, instead of me, should get to decide whether I carry a baby or not and for what reasons?

Out of interest what makes you more qualified than me to decide how I use my body? Should you also get to decide what risks other people take with their own bodies (for example fire fighters, doctors deaing in infectious disease, dangerous sports) or is it exclusively women' during pregnancy in which you're an expert in how everyone else should use their bodies?

Paintedmaypole · 14/10/2020 09:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all but I do think that it wasn't necessary for you to say that you would do it for your own sister. That situation is never likely to arise . I think I would have just said that I didn't think I would. Do you know how seriously your SIL has raised it with him. If it was a very vague discussion about surrogacy that's one thing but if she was serious it was unreasonable to talk about it without you there.

boarboar · 14/10/2020 09:51

[quote IheartJKR]@RedToothBrush

I agree with everything you said and I thought your post was very measured and insightful.[/quote]
Totally agree

Love51 · 14/10/2020 09:54

@FlatandFabulous your dad had it right. The full saying is 'the blood of the battlefield is thicker than the water of the womb' IE what you go through together bonds you more than happening to share genetics.
I was thinking of starting a thread about adult children born through surrogacy, as I've an instinct that it is cruel to take a baby away from the person who gestated it, I'm not sure if the surrogated babies would agree.

RedToothBrush · 14/10/2020 09:57

[quote BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet]@RedToothBrush

Im sorry but yes it is for me to make that decision about how vile, disgusted and revolting that is.

Wow what an arrogant person you are. So you think you know better than me what I want to do with my body for what reasons? You think you, instead of me, should get to decide whether I carry a baby or not and for what reasons?

Out of interest what makes you more qualified than me to decide how I use my body? Should you also get to decide what risks other people take with their own bodies (for example fire fighters, doctors deaing in infectious disease, dangerous sports) or is it exclusively women' during pregnancy in which you're an expert in how everyone else should use their bodies?[/quote]
Its. Not. All. About. You.

Hth

Billben · 14/10/2020 09:59

@PuppyMonkey

She’s raised it with DH? What, like it’s a perfectly ordinary thing for you to go for her? Confused
This is the bit that would really, really annoy me. Like I’m some kinda commodity.
jessstan1 · 14/10/2020 10:01

@Paintedmaypole

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all but I do think that it wasn't necessary for you to say that you would do it for your own sister. That situation is never likely to arise . I think I would have just said that I didn't think I would. Do you know how seriously your SIL has raised it with him. If it was a very vague discussion about surrogacy that's one thing but if she was serious it was unreasonable to talk about it without you there.
I thought the same, I doubt sister in law really asked, it was probably more 'do you think she might?', in the course of the conversation. Forget about it.
chickenyhead · 14/10/2020 10:03

It is your body, not DHs. You are not responsible for her fertility and you are not a walking incubator.

The truth is that you might well be willing to do so for your sister, but she isn't asking you to, is she? So it is theoretical only.

The fact that SIL didn't even approach you directly is indicative of what position you would have post birth. Plus tbh, you would be risking health issues which could impact upon your own DC.

Its unreasonable to be asked, let alone expected. It is not unreasonable to decline such a request made through another.

Noitjustwontdo · 14/10/2020 10:06

No, this does not make you selfish at all. Pregnancy is not an easy experience for any woman however straightforward the pregnancy is and birth of course again is not easy even if you manage to have a water birth complete with whale music and candles.

You shouldn’t even be asked, if she wants a surrogate she’ll have to find one the usual way.