To think if people don't take hints, you have to be very blunt

[Honeyandapple]

Someone in my family does not take hints. At all.
For example I say'Monday evening isn't the best time for you to come over because the kids have piano lessons and then i'm busy getting dinner and doing bedtime after'.
They say 'oh that's fine I'll still come and just hang out'.
Or, I say 'could we rearrange drinks tonight I'm knackered just want to relax on the sofa' response 'yeah sure I'll come round'.

WTF is this. I have to spell everything out to the point of being almost rude. Or maybe rude.

My reply to both the above were 'would rather not have visitors' (and I was surprised I had to say that). On one of the occasions the family member still turned up. It is very hard work. Being very blunt doesn't come easily to me. Any advice appreciated.

It gets easier the mor you do it.

Just be blunt! It’s not rude it is liberating.

I would find it very difficult too, as I expect others to pick up on the subtext of what I am saying! But, if they don't/won't, then absolutely you have to be blunt - something like, "No, Monday doesn't suit. How about Thursday?" or "No, I actually need a bit of time by myself."
To be honest, if I had said either of those things, or similar, I would shut the curtains, turn my phone off and not answer the door if they turned up anyway.

Keep at it. Maybe through in a “sorry that won’t work for me”

Is the person NT? Do they miss other cues? If so firm but polite all the way

Be more definite from the outset. Instead of

Monday evening isn't the best time for you to come over because the kids have piano lessons and then i'm busy getting dinner and doing bedtime after'

say

'I'm sorry, you can't come over on Monday because the kids have piano lessons and then i'm busy getting dinner and doing bedtime after'.

Change your phrasing. Saying ‘I would rather not’ is not saying no. It’s leaving room for ‘I won’t stay long’.

I find it helps to think of myself as being 'direct' rather than 'blunt'

Sounds daft but language (even words we use go ourselves) is really powerful. And direct has much more positive connotations I think. Works for me!

You can be blunt without being rude, by being clear. 'Unfortunately I cannot have you here on Monday evening because...' for example.

Reminds me of DH's parents. Once they were still here on a week night at about 9.30pm, we were tired and they aren't exactly easy to entertain. In desperation DH told them he had to do a couple of hours of work to get ready for the following day. His mum replied, 'That's fine, we'll wait.' In the end DH had to gently explain that they needed to go home.

Depends who it is I suppose & if they're hard work or not.

Most friends & some family I'd be fine if they wanted to come around & just 'hang out' because they just fit in easily.

Some others are a bit demanding & I prefer to manage their visits a bit more - it is necessary to be clear & firm! 'No I can't do Monday, how about Thursday?'

yabu, because your 'hints' are not clear.
just tell them what's up.
'you can't come on monday, I have other plans'

I have trouble taking hints.

I don't think this:

For example I say'Monday evening isn't the best time for you to come over because the kids have piano lessons and then i'm busy getting dinner and doing bedtime after.'

is particularly vague.

However, why not just say "Monday doesn't work for me?" When you give people reasons why you can't do something, i.e., piano lessons, putting the kids to bed, etc., you are giving them a wedge to drive in and try to wear you down or get around your reasons. Hence the MN trope, "no is a complete sentence." If you just say no, without giving a reason, you take away that wedge, and they are less likely to push.

You're not being blunt, you're just setting boundaries in the face of rudeness! I have to do this with family who just invite themselves round.

I agree explaining less works better.

I say things like 'oh, that was a nice idea but this week is just impossible, anyway how was your holiday....'

Agree with it being direct rather than blunt.
Generally it’s better to be outright and clear when you can be, just so there’s no confusion or you don’t get annoyed when people don’t pick up what you’re implying.

I know British culture means we aren’t always the most upfront people, but direct doesn’t necessarily mean rude or blunt!

Also might be worth bearing in mind that people with autism or similar might not always understand what you mean if you drop hints or suggest something, rather than being outright with what you want to say.

I can't stand vague things.

For example I say'Monday evening isn't the best time for you to come over because the kids have piano lessons and then i'm busy getting dinner and doing bedtime after'.

No no no. 'Monday is no good, what about Thursday'. Much better. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Being blunt doesn’t necessarily equal being rude.
It’s perfectly polite to say Mondays are out because of x and y, what other days suit you?
Or, I’m absolutely knackered and not up for socialising so can we rearrange drinks for whenever?

I know it’s hard, I used to be a real people pleaser, but I just got sick of saying yes to things I didn’t want.OP, you need to laugh and say :Ha, no way, can’t do Monday’. Don’t explain: why should you?

Well, the problem is your passive style and expecting them to read your mind.

It's not rude to be assertive.

imo it's rude to not say what you mean

This situation is a creation of your own making, because you’re not being clear.

Saying “it isn’t the best time” implies it’s not great timing but it’s still okay, saying you’d rather relax on the sofa also implies you’re happy with them coming over to relax with you.

Say what you actually mean and you won’t get these problems.

Instead of saying 'Monday evening isn't the best for us because', you say, Monday doesn't suit, what about tues/wed whatever.
'Could we rearrange drinks tonight', should be, i can't do tonight, what about tues/wed whatever.
It's not really blunt, you are just making your intentions clear.

"It's such a shame but that doesn't work for me."

Aka

Fuck off.

When you say Monday isn't the best, you're not saying don't come on Monday.

Just say what you mean, its not rude.

Put up an electric fence. It’s the only way.

I know a few people like this. I've learned to be very direct and to the point with them. Just be factual, not apologetic. If they're genuinely just socially impaired, they'll appreciate the honesty.

Never hint, be exact; "no, we want to spend the night together, just the two of us", "no, we're very busy Monday, no visitors", "no, I'm not around".