To think if people don't take hints, you have to be very blunt

[Honeyandapple]

Someone in my family does not take hints. At all.
For example I say'Monday evening isn't the best time for you to come over because the kids have piano lessons and then i'm busy getting dinner and doing bedtime after'.
They say 'oh that's fine I'll still come and just hang out'.
Or, I say 'could we rearrange drinks tonight I'm knackered just want to relax on the sofa' response 'yeah sure I'll come round'.

WTF is this. I have to spell everything out to the point of being almost rude. Or maybe rude.

My reply to both the above were 'would rather not have visitors' (and I was surprised I had to say that). On one of the occasions the family member still turned up. It is very hard work. Being very blunt doesn't come easily to me. Any advice appreciated.

You need to take some responsibility for how you’re communicating to and adapt your language accordingly. You’ve clearly identified your current phrasing isn’t having the effect you want so change it. I can’t be the only one who changes how I phrase things depending on who I talk to - I say no to a request from my boss in a different way to how I’d say it to a friend.

Most people wouldn't know I was autistic. Doesn't mean I'm not.

OP, try being much more direct as people have suggested, and see what happens.

Maybe this person is just rude but I'd assume you'd pick up other things about them, not just showing up when you've "hinted" not to?

Also I notice that you repeatedly see being direct as being rude - it's not. I think this is just female socialisation in practice. You're allowed to be assertive.

Start with the word no.
Whatever else you say, however you explain it. Start with no. It goes in first and is heard.
If you go down the sorry but or not sure that or anything along those lines, some people see an 'in'.

You’re not there to be at the beck and call of other people, OP. It’s perfectly normal for you to have commitments to your family and other people, and a life which means you’re not ‘on call’ at friends’ convenience.

So you need to get used to saying ‘No, I can’t do Monday. I can do Thursday or Friday morning next week, are either of those okay?’ That’s a perfectly normal, straightforward and polite conversation.

Are you generally someone who makes everyone’s life a priority over your own? Are you too much of a people pleaser? Perhaps have a think about why you feel you have to apologise for having a life. If you start to value your own time more, then having more direct discussions will get easier.

I have a friend who has ASD. He can't drive and sometimes needs to ask for a lift. People might say to him - hmm, I'm not sure I can do that because... or I have to take Jo home on that day....

He would then push it until they agreed a time.
his wife had to explain to him, that they were giving him a gently brush off and he needed to take the hint and say - OK don't worry, I can ask someone else.
he was astonished!

So I wouldn't feel bad being more direct. If someone isn't taking the hint, they don't know they are not taking the hint, you need to be more direct.

I think the problem is OP that what you are saying is perfectly clear for most.
So if they aren't getting it, it is either because they are rude, or because their communication skills are poor.

Either way, being very direct will mean they cannot misunderstand.

I really don’t like that ‘It doesn’t work for me’ MN reply - it sounds odd and contrived.

What’s wrong with ‘Sorry, but it’s really not going to be possible tonight/this afternoon - I’m going to be very busy/tied up/having a very early night because I’m knackered,’ etc.?

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

I really don’t like that ‘It doesn’t work for me’ MN reply - it sounds odd and contrived.

What’s wrong with ‘Sorry, but it’s really not going to be possible tonight/this afternoon - I’m going to be very busy/tied up/having a very early night because I’m knackered,’ etc.?

I think the problem is that if you say sorry because... there is a danger that the person takes the because int he wrong way. Eg when she said there is no food in, the person just said - that's fine I'll have toast.

I don't like 'that doesn't work for me' either, it sounds odd.

But It is helpful to say - No, I can't do tonight. Rather than, I can't do it because.... as there is no room for the person to get round your reason.

So I wouldn't feel bad being more direct. If someone isn't taking the hint, they don't know they are not taking the hint, you need to be more direct. This. I've always found it very difficult to "read between the lines", I always take things literally. So if you hint, I won't even know you're hinting. I'm not being rude or selfish, I'm just not understanding you.

You need to swap asking for permission to starting what you want.

"Can we?" Vs "we need to"
"This might not work" to "this won't work" etc