To think if people don't take hints, you have to be very blunt

[Honeyandapple]

Someone in my family does not take hints. At all.
For example I say'Monday evening isn't the best time for you to come over because the kids have piano lessons and then i'm busy getting dinner and doing bedtime after'.
They say 'oh that's fine I'll still come and just hang out'.
Or, I say 'could we rearrange drinks tonight I'm knackered just want to relax on the sofa' response 'yeah sure I'll come round'.

WTF is this. I have to spell everything out to the point of being almost rude. Or maybe rude.

My reply to both the above were 'would rather not have visitors' (and I was surprised I had to say that). On one of the occasions the family member still turned up. It is very hard work. Being very blunt doesn't come easily to me. Any advice appreciated.

Just ask yourself if they have as much consideration for your feelings as you seem to have for theirs. If I have to be blunt I remind myself that the other person doesn’t seem to mind offending me. You are not being unclear they are choosing to ignore you.

[quote Honeyandapple]@Kaiserin

cryptic hints.

I don't think any of what I have said is cryptic at all.

If unable to understand these hints - not in the slightest bit subtle - surely the poor communication skills are theirs. Or more likely, they don't care what I am saying and prefer to ignore and do what is most convenient for them. [/quote]
Well as many people have said, you aren't being clear enough. The reality is that not everyone thinks and communicates like you do, no matter if you think they should. Say what you mean and mean what you say, it's a simple case of you being clearer in your messages

Stop explaining your reasons. If you don't do that they can't invalidate them. 'No, that isn't convenient'. Don't JADE.

I think your second example could maybe be interpreted to mean that you weren't averse to having company, but that you just didn't want to go out for drinks. And to be fair, you did cancel the existing arrangement.

I've started being direct with work invitations. In the last two years I've turned down the Christmas nights out, the summer bbq, trips to the races etc. When asked for a reason I just say "I don't to".

Now everyone jokes about me loving the enforced WFH because I don't have any events to turn down.

Just try it OP, it's liberating!

@hockeysticks89

People who blithely ignore your cues and body language are not friends, just selfish and rude. I find you can be very direct with them, it's really liberating.

I think this is complete claptrap. Stop giving vague clues and say what you mean politely. If you're rud to someone unable to discern your meaning, likely the problem is with you.

Only the English would think those hints were clear statements. You need to make some Dutch friends Honey They'll soon sort you out. Politely. Directly.

I think "Monday is not the best time" is really very clear to most people.

However, there are some people who have trouble with anything that is not spelled out, they tend to be very literal people who struggle with social cues.

I find it best to be very clear with them, it's no different than speaking up to talk to an elderly person who doesn't hear as well, you are just accommodating your communication to the person's needs. It can feel rude but in reality most people like this appreciate the clarity.

Unless this person is ignoring your message, I don't think you understand this from the other side.

You're choosing not to be assertive because it makes you uncomfortable. If the other person genuinely can't read between the lines, that's not a conscious decision. They're not choosing to misunderstand 🤷‍♂️ they just don't find your communication (ie dancing around the point a bit) clear and concise.

Say ... "I'm really sorry but I can't can't do Monday now because .... Can we change it to another day?".

I agree with being direct. Otherwise it leaves room for interpretation.

You are being cryptic and you know you are, the clue is in the word 'hints'. Whenever you say something than needs ro be interpreted, it can go either way.

A simple "I am sorry but no, i can't do that night we are busy' leaves no room for ambiguity and, if you do want to see them, work out an alternative that works for you.

Thinking of this thread makes me think of the posts that go

'DH is the bad books because we agreed no birthday fuss for each other but I just went along with he should have known I wanted to be made a fuss of'

'I am so upset I asked what they thought of these 2 outfits and they said the other one looks better, so now I feel fat'

'I have dropped so many hints of what I wanted for Christmas and did not get what I wanted'

Just say what you want to say!!!

A couple of weeks ago I said 'I can't cook for you tonight. I am busy all day and I won't have any food in'.
Person still knocked on the door at 7.30pm and says toast will do. To me this is as clear as day? It's not even a hint. It's just not cuttingly blunt.

@Honeyandapple - my best friend would ring me up and ask if she could pop over and I could say "I have absolutely nothing to offer you to have with a cup of tea I'm afraid". Her response would be "I'll stop past a shop on my way over then". And we'd BOTH be happy. Because I love to sit and have a cuppa with her with some biscuits or cake.

Now if I DIDN'T want her over, I'd say "Sorry, not today. Up to my eyes in stuff. How about tomorrow instead?" I could even say "Bring cake with you because I won't have been to the shops by then" and she would, and again we'd both be happy (and loving our cake).

Stop with the 'hinting'. It's ridiculous. Being direct is not being rude.

But then maybe that's why as an Aussie in the UK I was mostly friends with other foreigners....

I live in NL, and agree with pp make some Dutch friends !! Very direct, no room for misunderstanding and not rude.

Initially it was a bit of a surprise , but I've embraced it for years now. Work, social and school stuff, I dial it down a bit for my British family who think I'm a bit too direct.

My experience in NL is to make appointments for things. The majority of my Dutch friends couldn't deal with people random popping in, they would be turned away at the door, and woe betide anyone turning up around 18:00 , you have to make an appointment !!

You don't need to say Sorry either, it's so British !! I am slowly stopping doing that too.
So say no and suggest another time and date.

Is it your DM @Honeyandapple.Is that why you're hinting rather than being outstraight.

I bet this person understands fine,they are just dancing all over your boundaries
I would just pull right back,who needs that crap in their lives.

Pre-Covid there were several friends/relatives I would visit and take food. However, they were direct enough to say ‘yes visit, but no food in’. Take this thread as encouragement to be clearer and more direct with this unwanted visitor. If that’s difficult, focus on the ‘no, but could we do it on Thursday/a fortnight/December’.

Honest to god, if I’d been that clear and they still turned up, I don’t think I’d let them in. I’d open the door, look confused and say “I said not tonight’. Who is this relative? As they’re so rude, be direct back.

@seayork2020

Thinking of this thread makes me think of the posts that go

'DH is the bad books because we agreed no birthday fuss for each other but I just went along with he should have known I wanted to be made a fuss of'

'I am so upset I asked what they thought of these 2 outfits and they said the other one looks better, so now I feel fat'

'I have dropped so many hints of what I wanted for Christmas and did not get what I wanted'

Just say what you want to say!!!

This is a bit harsh, the OP has been quite clear and has been ignored.

Some good advice on this thread, i agree that it gets easier the more you do it. Just be very direct OP, if their hide is as thick as it seems they can't be offended. And remember that they don't seem to give a shot about ignoring you, which is offensive in itself

What you are saying is definitely open to interpretation and it looks like this person wishes to interpret it in their own favour.

You need to cut the excuses out.

Sorry, we can't do Monday, we already have plans.

Sorry, I need to cancel Thursday, can we do next week instead?

I'm am busy every night except Friday, you are welcome then at 6pm.

I bet this person understands fine,they are just dancing all over your boundaries

We can't know that though. We're not in this person's head. Sorry OP but you're NOT being clear. I can see why you'd think you were, I would get what you meant out of what you said. I'm autistic but I'm older and wiser now (and have read a lot of books on English communication!) and am also sensitive to hidden meanings. But in my youth I wasn't, and it genuinely didn't occur to me that someone saying "I don't have any food in" was actually saying "don't come round". I think you do have to be more direct and avoid mentioning your reasons, just say "I'll need to call off our arrangement on Monday, we can rearrange for another evening instead". Reinforce with "So I'll see you on xday (or next week/month) and not Monday, OK?"

Obviously if they are deliberately ignoring your hints then you'll need stronger wording, but people with autism don't always know it, and never have it tattooed on their foreheads, so you won't always know.

I don’t think the op has been clear. She said she couldn’t cook dinner, she didn’t say don’t come over.

She evens says in her title, she hints.

Whilst I personally would have picked up on the hint, not everyone does. Therefore it is the op’s communication that is wrong and she needs to be clearer and stop dancing around what she really means.

Would it kill you to say what you want them to do?

'I'm sorry, you can't come over on Monday because the kids have piano lessons and then i'm busy getting dinner and doing bedtime after'.

be more blunt than that. And if you want to soften it, offer an alternative when you will be available. You can also drop the "sorry".

"Monday doesn't work. How about Tuesday i have time then?"

You are not being clear.
You are deliberately misunderstanding many posts saying you are not clear.
It is you that is not communicating your meaning.