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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if people don't take hints, you have to be very blunt

86 replies

Honeyandapple · 13/10/2020 20:15

Someone in my family does not take hints. At all.
For example I say'Monday evening isn't the best time for you to come over because the kids have piano lessons and then i'm busy getting dinner and doing bedtime after'.
They say 'oh that's fine I'll still come and just hang out'.
Or, I say 'could we rearrange drinks tonight I'm knackered just want to relax on the sofa' response 'yeah sure I'll come round'.

WTF is this. I have to spell everything out to the point of being almost rude. Or maybe rude.

My reply to both the above were 'would rather not have visitors' (and I was surprised I had to say that). On one of the occasions the family member still turned up. It is very hard work. Being very blunt doesn't come easily to me. Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:

EdinaMonsoon · 13/10/2020 21:34

My eldest son (now an adult) has autism and doesn't "get" vague statements. It has taken me a long time to feel comfortable with being blunt with him but I came to the conclusion that rather than perceiving it as being blunt it is actually just been absolutely clear. So I agree with others who have said you need to state what is and isn't okay in very clear terms. eg Relative says: I was thinking of coming over on Monday." Your reply: "Sorry, no. I can't do Monday. I can do Wednesday if you're free?" If they turn up anyway you need to be comfortable with either ignoring the door or answering and saying "Sorry, I did say I was busy so I really can't have you here right now. I'll see you Wednesday as we agreed".

PuppyMonkey · 13/10/2020 21:36

Or move house.

EdinaMonsoon · 13/10/2020 21:38

In your other scenario where you say you just want to stay home on the sofa and they reply "yeah sure I'll come round". I would use a little humour to lighten the message and laugh before replying "No I mean I'm totally slobbing out in front of the telly. I really don't want to have to see anyone at all. Sorry. But let's speak in a few days and arrange another time."

foreverandalways · 13/10/2020 21:40

Just be blunt and to the point....

hockeysticks89 · 13/10/2020 21:40

People who blithely ignore your cues and body language are not friends, just selfish and rude. I find you can be very direct with them, it's really liberating.

BlackeyedSusan · 13/10/2020 21:41

depends. being direct helps some people. the message is not lost in the waffle. if they are ok about it when you have been direct, the problem is you are not communicating clearly to them originally. alternatively, they might be deliberately misunderstanding, and pushing boundaries.

Original poster

Honeyandapple · 13/10/2020 21:43

A couple of weeks ago I said 'I can't cook for you tonight. I am busy all day and I won't have any food in'.
Person still knocked on the door at 7.30pm and says toast will do. To me this is as clear as day? It's not even a hint. It's just not cuttingly blunt.

Person does not have autism as far as I'm aware. And they like a lot of interaction and attention. Also stay for hours on end until I actually turn the lights off and say I am going to bed. Or leave the house.

OP posts:

Kaiserin · 13/10/2020 21:45

You may not realise, but it's actually quite rude to talk through cryptic hints.

The way you phrase things makes it sounds like a "yes, but... " (which invites "helpful" solutions: "oh don't worry, I'll do this or that to address your concern" ... entirely missing the point, because you didn't raise your REAL concern: "I just don't want to!")

What you really need to say is "sorry, no, that doesn't work for me" (and if you want to be really polite, add a constructive alternative suggestion that you are truly happy with, e.g. "how about we meet tomorrow for lunch instead?")

And stop hiding behind "politeness" as an excuse for your poor communication skills. Sounds more like you're a bit shy/cowardly (nobody's perfect. But this is on you, not the other party)

Kaiserin · 13/10/2020 21:47

Ah, the dreaded update. Yeah, sounds like they're taking the puss and deliberately ignoring your boundaries. Tell them to fuck off, OP. It's fine.

BlankTimes · 13/10/2020 21:50

I expect others to pick up on the subtext of what I am saying!

Please don't, it causes untold anxiety for some people who are struggling to understand what you mean.

It also can cause a lot of confusion because only you know what you mean and everyone else is left to interpret it their own way, no doubt confusion ensues.

Making arrangements and giving instructions needs clarity and transparency so everyone understands.

Shodan · 13/10/2020 21:53

A couple of weeks ago I said 'I can't cook for you tonight. I am busy all day and I won't have any food in'

But you didn't say "I can't see you tonight", so what they heard was that you couldn't give them dinner, but they could still come round.

You need to be precise with this kind of person. That doesn't equal rude, it just means they are left in no doubt.

So if they say they're coming round, for whatever reason, and you don't want them to, you say something like "I can't see you tonight I'm afraid", or "No tonight's no good for me" or "Not tonight, I'm looking forward to sitting alone watching tv".

None of those are rude, and have the added benefit of being your back up, should they appear at your door anyway : "Sorry, I told you I couldn't see you tonight" as you close the door...

CaptainVanesHair · 13/10/2020 21:55

If being blunt doesn’t come naturally maybe you could say, ‘sorry if I wasn’t clear - I was trying to say that it is not ok for you to come over and we can rearrange for another time soon’ and then work up to ‘not/can’t tonight, how about x?’ I wouldn’t even give too much of a reason, that becomes a problem they think they need to solve.

Newjez · 13/10/2020 21:59

I had Xmas dinner with my mainly Indian team last year. They asked me what the difference between Australians and English was. I answered that you know when you've upset an Australian. But an English person can bear a grudge for years and you would never know.

I overheard two English ladies talking on the train once. One was complaining about the heat during her last train ride because the air conditioning was broken. The other one asked if they had complained. Oh yes she said, we all complained, we spent the whole journey complaining. To the conductor? Her friend asked? Oh no she said. We wouldn't do that.

Be blunt. It saves a lot of time.

justilou1 · 13/10/2020 22:02

I think you need to stop offering explanations and just say “Not tonight/Tuesday at all... How about Thursday next week?” If she pushes, just say “It’s impossible.”

Newjez · 13/10/2020 22:02

I've always felt with the English, English isn't a spoken language. It's taken me a long time to pick it up.

bethany39 · 13/10/2020 22:03

@Honeyandapple

A couple of weeks ago I said 'I can't cook for you tonight. I am busy all day and I won't have any food in'. Person still knocked on the door at 7.30pm and says toast will do. To me this is as clear as day? It's not even a hint. It's just not cuttingly blunt.

So what did you say to them? Why wasn't it "Why on earth are you here? I said I didn't have any food? No not even bread - better go home and get yourself something, I've already eaten"

Say what you mean. "no you can't come over tonight".

I'd suggest making specific plans e.g. "We'll see you on Thursday."

Original poster

Honeyandapple · 13/10/2020 22:10

@Kaiserin

cryptic hints.

I don't think any of what I have said is cryptic at all.

OP posts:

PostItJoyWeek · 13/10/2020 22:11

@Honeyandapple

A couple of weeks ago I said 'I can't cook for you tonight. I am busy all day and I won't have any food in'. Person still knocked on the door at 7.30pm and says toast will do. To me this is as clear as day? It's not even a hint. It's just not cuttingly blunt.

You told them the lack of proper food in the house was the problem. They solved the problem by saying toast would do.

Next time say "Monday doesn't work for me."

Did you prove them right by letting them come in and have some toast?

OhioOhioOhio · 13/10/2020 22:15

Agreed but don't be vague.

IndecentFeminist · 13/10/2020 22:20

You're right, of course. The vast majority of people would pick up on your very obvious cues there but this person clearly isn't in the majority!

Do they take offence quickly?

CSIblonde · 13/10/2020 22:20

Shorter ,direct sentences with no up front . Or they get sidetracked by the other stuff & think you aren't saying no. Then offer alternative if one works for you. So, "sorry that's no good, we will be ...(whatever activity is ). Sunday's good tho, can you make that?".

Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor · 13/10/2020 22:21

[quote Honeyandapple]@Kaiserin

cryptic hints.

I don't think any of what I have said is cryptic at all.

If unable to understand these hints - not in the slightest bit subtle - surely the poor communication skills are theirs. Or more likely, they don't care what I am saying and prefer to ignore and do what is most convenient for them. [/quote]
If they are people you genuinely like and want to see, but their communication skills are poor, you can help the situation by being crystal clear in what you say.

If you think they are deliberately misunderstanding and turning up to please themselves then you can still be absolutely crystal clear and then if they still come round say 'sorry, I said you could come tonight' and shut the door. You can still smile and say you'll see them another time (if you want!) and be polite etc. I don't think that's rude. Not if you've already said no in no uncertain terms.

Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor · 13/10/2020 22:22

*couldn't

EdinaMonsoon · 13/10/2020 22:28

So clearly the issue of miscommunication is on their part not yours OP. They are either lacking the social skills to fully comprehend & respect your decisions OR they are wilfully rude & think that their needs override yours. Either way you need to assert yourself - to the point of rudeness if necessary. Could you speak with them prior to the next expected phone call/text exchange & pre-empt any further incidents by raising the issue direct? Call them & say that they can’t continue to ignore your wishes. When you say that you are busy or simply don’t want to see anyone they must accept it. You can approach this kindly. Whether they are incredibly lonely or incredibly rude, either way they have an issue & it’s likely that you are not the only one on the receiving end of the behaviour. Otherwise I think your only other option is to ignore the door. Currently you are saying one thing but then relenting in the face of their (unwelcome) appearance at your door.

Piffle11 · 13/10/2020 22:48

Blimey, they don’t care how you feel at all, do they? I had something similar with my in-laws… They would say things like, ‘just tell us if it’s not convenient’ - then they’d turn up at ridiculous times ... I’d tell him it’s not convenient, they’d say ‘we won’t stay long‘ – and push their way in anyway. And stay for ages. Because I’m shit with confrontation I’d give in. Anyway, eventually I got more and more reluctant to take it, and we ended up falling out over it. You need to stop this. You need to say, no sorry can’t do, and be prepared to close the door in their face. MIL kept asking me to do something for her: I’d say, ‘can’t, I’m busy, don’t have time.’ She’d say, ‘I’ll wait’, or a similar response. I realised I had to say a straight ‘no’, and basically keep repeating. If you give in once, they know how to get you to give in again. My DSis told me about a friend she had years ago: someone would say to her, ‘Let’s do XXX on Thursday’ ... And she’d just say, ‘no thanks.’ And if anyone questioned her further she would simply say ‘I don’t want to.’ And in the end they got to realise that this is her way. She wasn’t rude, she was just honest and straightforward. And it got to the point where they knew that no matter how they tried to persuade her, it wouldn’t work. So she said no, they left it like that. It’s actually incredibly liberating. I try and do this now, and I’m getting more and more successful at it. And I actually like myself more for doing it!

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