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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner would prefer I got the tube with my 5 year old rather pick us up by car to visit him.

108 replies

Lolly19842015 · 13/10/2020 13:58

Now I've never minded getting the tube to his and have done so from the beginning of our relationship but since the pandemic I've been scared to take my 5 year old on the tube and have asked him to pick us up. He has but not before suggesting the train every single time first. I feel bad asking him but I feel even worse thinking he doesn't care enough to pick us like it's such a big effort and he would rather spend an hour each way to get us on the train rather than drive 45 mins each way. Am I being unreasonable or does he just not care enough?

OP posts:
cologne4711 · 13/10/2020 15:32

I'd rather get the tube than travel by car in central London.

GameSetMatch · 13/10/2020 15:34

Yes sorry I agree with your partner, you should make your own way to his, it’s not fair him driving 3hours each weekend to ferry you about. If it’s too much of a worry can your partner not stay with you? I’d just get the tube tbh, if you travel at a less busy time you should be fine.

purpledagger · 13/10/2020 15:43

As a Londoner born and bred, I kind of sympathise with your partner - it can take me an hour to go 15 miles, driving. It's also not an easy drive with constant traffic lights, pedestrian crossings, roadworks etc.

In saying that, I would avoid getting the tube with my children as far as I can.

Can your partner just not come to you for a while?

ComicePear · 13/10/2020 15:46

Can't your partner come to visit you instead?

BewilderedDoughnut · 13/10/2020 16:11

@Lolly19842015 learn to drive! 🤷‍♀️

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 13/10/2020 16:13

This isnt clear enough. But for different scenarios that I think you might mean I'll give my answer.

Scenario - He travels for four hours to come on the train, meet you, you all travel back then reverse the process later. You've asked him to drive which takes him three hours round trips. Everybody's BU because this is weird and unnecessary. Surely he should just come to you and stay there if he's got to come all that way anyway. Unless you do usually alternate and you are the one asking him to accompany you. In which case YABU and he's practically a saint if he has to come and see you on his turn then come and fetch you as well on yours. Or if you don't alternate but, at his insistence, I'd want to know why, go to his, then he is BU to not come and get you at least half the time. Or if you don't alternate but that's at your insistence and he has to run around the country like a headless chicken and play host then YABU.

Scenario - You usually catch the train on your turn to see him. One hour there and one hour back. Instead you're asking to be chauffeured. YABU unless he is refusing to come to you and see you at yours and insists you go to his.

Ideally I'd have him making his way to you when he visits and you make your way to him when you visit him.

Obviously this all assumes your DS is not his.

Audreyseyebrows · 13/10/2020 16:16

I agree with your partner. Surely you could get the tube one week, he comes to you the next week?

Why don’t you drive? Are you going to learn?

redastherose · 13/10/2020 16:18

Why doesn't he come to you instead? I would be annoyed at no reciprocation if it is always down to you to travel to his house rather than it being 50/50. If he travels to you a similar amount then you going by tube to visit him is fair enough (using masks/sanitiser etc).

MyCatHatesEverybody · 13/10/2020 16:19

I'm guessing OP might be stuck on the tube without a phone signal...

Givemeabreak88 · 13/10/2020 16:20

Why can’t he come and stay at yours? Why is he picking you up to go to his??

RopeGoat · 13/10/2020 16:26

If you don't want to get public transport then get a car. You don't get to force people to taxi you around.

DespairingHomeowner · 13/10/2020 16:33

I think you have more risk from your 5yo going to school, although I am also not keen on the tube

HOWEVER: he is no ‘partner’ if he won’t go out of his way for you (And the same all,it’s to you of course).

I’d drop him and find someone who is a bit more committed to building a shared life vs you delivering yourself to him on the weekends at his convenience. I dropped a boyfriend who wouldn’t drive 3 hours to pick me up after a long flight, have never regretted it a moment as that showed me what he was about

Thecobwebsarewinning · 13/10/2020 16:36

If he is picking you up you don’t get to dictate what transport he uses. London driving can be a total nightmare and I never, ever drive anywhere that I get to by public transport. As (like you) I live in Greater London with excellent public transport available this means I only drive if there is heavy shopping or a distance of over about 40 miles involved. On a bus/train/tube/tram I can sit and read and relax.

My DD can be like you. She doesn’t drive herself and doesn’t understand how stressful driving can be.

Smallsteps88 · 13/10/2020 16:38

So don’t visit him. He’ll either not care, in which case dump him. Or he’ll miss you enough to come and get you.

(Not understanding a partner who you don’t live with. That’s not a partnership. That’s dating)

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/10/2020 16:48

@Lolly19842015

Now I've never minded getting the tube to his and have done so from the beginning of our relationship but since the pandemic I've been scared to take my 5 year old on the tube and have asked him to pick us up. He has but not before suggesting the train every single time first. I feel bad asking him but I feel even worse thinking he doesn't care enough to pick us like it's such a big effort and he would rather spend an hour each way to get us on the train rather than drive 45 mins each way. Am I being unreasonable or does he just not care enough?
A bit scant on details here OP, so I can't really comment.
  1. How long have you been in a relationship with him?
  2. Is your child also his child?
  3. How often do you visit him, how often does he visit you? Is there, in general, equal efforts on both your parts?
  4. It's not really clear to me the time involved, the wording is ambiguous to me. How long would you be on the tube to get to his and how long door-to-door? How long would he be in his car to pick you up and drive you to his?
  5. Does he know you're now "scared" to go on the Tube - have you told him in those words? Is he dismissive of your fears, or does he acknowledge it but counter that he regards the risks as lower than you fear?

Regardless of the answers, his not offering transport is upsetting you, and you should consider whether yours and his attitude to life in a pandemic is compatible.

Allgreyeverything · 13/10/2020 16:49

My boyfriend drives from Leeds to London every other Friday evening to pick me up and we drive early Saturday morning to his house for the weekend. He then drives me back on Sunday night and goes early Monday morning. I suggest getting the tube and train but he’d rather pick me up and says doesn’t want me going on trains. It’s a 3.5hr drive one way minimum.

jessstan1 · 13/10/2020 16:49

@RopeGoat

If you don't want to get public transport then get a car. You don't get to force people to taxi you around.
Maybe the op cannot afford a car or doesn't drive, or both. Getting a cab, which someone suggested, would be expensive for a 45 minute journey.

I didn't get the impression she was forcing her boyfriend to pick her up, just asking. Quite honestly, most men would do it without having to be asked; I know my husband would have and so would my son.

However, him visiting her at her home is an option if she and her child live alone, ie not with family, in which case it could be less than hospitable.

JinglingHellsBells · 13/10/2020 16:51

I can't make head nor tail of your post.

You talk about the tube and the train- which is it? Do you get a tube TO the train or do you mean the whole journey is by tube?

Do you have a car?

SandyY2K · 13/10/2020 16:51

YABU

unmarkedbythat · 13/10/2020 16:53

Quite honestly, most men would do it without having to be asked; I know my husband would have and so would my son.

What would most women do?

Spidey66 · 13/10/2020 16:55

Why not you take the tube there, and he gives a lift back?

(I don't think the risk to you/your child is that much tbh. I have to go by London Overground to work and just suck it up. It's not even that bad in rush hour atm. But I like living on the edge.)

ColleagueFromMars · 13/10/2020 17:00

If I was your partner I would feel torn.

People who have never driven/owned a car can be a pain in the bum to date. The ones I dated very quickly fell into "it's just require for you to come and pick me up" and moaned about the cost of public transport Hmm ... having said that I'd be uneasy going on public transport myself, too. So no easy answers Blush

ColleagueFromMars · 13/10/2020 17:00

Easier not require*

HollowTalk · 13/10/2020 17:34

If I were him I'd get into the car - I wouldn't want either of you to be on the tube or train if I could help him. You have a lazy arse there, OP.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 13/10/2020 17:53

To the PP whose boyfriend ‘doesn’t want her going on trains’. I’d be very wary. My non-driving DD had a BF who would pick her up from nights out with her mates as he ‘didn’t want her going’ on buses or in taxis. Over a few years it developed into not wanting her to go on nights out without him, not wanting her to go for coffee with her colleagues, not trusting her to do the supermarket shop without him, not wanting her to visit family, not wanting her to take a well paid job in the city because he couldn’t drive her there and back. What he did want was for her to move in with him, to a house held in his name in a remote estate, a 40 walk from the nearest train station so she would be dependent on him for everything. What first of all seemed like him being doting and protective rapidly became full blown control. Luckily he is now an ex.