Partner would prefer I got the tube with my 5 year old rather pick us up by car to visit him.

[Lolly19842015]

Now I've never minded getting the tube to his and have done so from the beginning of our relationship but since the pandemic I've been scared to take my 5 year old on the tube and have asked him to pick us up. He has but not before suggesting the train every single time first. I feel bad asking him but I feel even worse thinking he doesn't care enough to pick us like it's such a big effort and he would rather spend an hour each way to get us on the train rather than drive 45 mins each way. Am I being unreasonable or does he just not care enough?

@jessstan1

Some 'partner' he is who doesn't want to drive 45 minutes to pick you and his child up, especially at the moment.

It’s not his child.

@jessstan1

Some 'partner' he is who doesn't want to drive 45 minutes to pick you and his child up, especially at the moment.

Actually 3 hours. And not his child.

Wait I dont understand, how long in total would you spend on the train and how long would he spend in the car?
I think you should alternate who visits who and that person travels. It shouldn't be just one person doing all the work.

She doesn't say that.

It still seems a bit uncaring.

Why are you travelling to his with a 5 year old?

But even for the odd trip, it depends on the train. I wouldn't take a busy train.
But an almost empty train should be safe.

And as others have asked, does it really take him longer to pick you up from the train than from your home?

@jessstan1 surely they’d be living together if it was his child.

@im5050

Acrossthepond55 I love this - might have use it one time 😂😂😂 I'd consider you 'geographically undesirable'

lol. I was told that once decades ago and it's stuck with me ever since. He was right really, but of course at the time I considered myself 'worth it'.

I ended up marrying a man who lived 600 miles away! Go figure!

You have a two hour round trip, your boyfriend (he is not your partner) would have two 1.5 hour round trips, so 3 hours in total. I think it is a bit precious to expect to be picked up and dropped off when it involves that much driving. It is his responsibility to get to you when you are meeting at yours and equally it is your responsibility to get to his when you are meeting at his.

Confused here when did a person constitute a partner when not living together I thought that was a boyfriend??
Some people are not keen on "boyfriend" when their friend is no longer a boy, e.g. in their 40s or 50s :)

Just have him come to you instead

Wait, do you mean that he has offered to take the train (tube?) and go back to his with you, rather than drive?
Not sure what the point would be.

Although, it might be cheaper and less tiring to him to take a train rather than drive. As you mention the tube, London driving can be stressful, and the train less hassle.

Do you drive? Or have ever driven?

Maybe your ds is a nightmare in the car? .. Distracting maybe?
Does your dc go with you every time?

My bf lives an hour away and doesn't drive. We have been together 14 months and have always shared the 'burden' of the travelling but actually, i quite like the escape of driving to his every other weekend as I am at my own house all week and at his I get to chill out and not do loads of housework. BUT he doesn't expect it and will get the 2 trains to mine without complaint, which takes longer than me driving to his.

The distance doesn't bother me at all though as I don't mind driving at all and I like having my own space with my kids when we're not together. I can see why some people wouldn't like it but then again, the idea of living with a man again gives me the shivers so each to their own!

I wouldn't expect to be driven around like that. I don't drive myself and it is really important to me that people don't think I expect them to drive me either. If really struggling with the travel I might invite him to come and visit me rather than the other way round, but even that's going to get old fast for him, isn't it?

YABU

OP come back and explain!! I am confused!

he would rather spend an hour each way to get us on the train

What does this mean? He would come on the train to yours and then you all go to his together? What is the point of this? Why don't you just get the train to his?

As PPs have suggested, can't he come to yours, rather than having to do the round trip to get you to his?

How often are the trips? I think this is probably relevant.

By any chance would he resent the fact that you don’t offer any money toward the fuel? What if he comes to collect you and you treat him out to lunch, before you travel back?

What?!

I can understand you may be worries about driving but I also can understand why he doesnt want to drive.
Can he come to yours instead?
Or maybe you can both stay longer at his (weekend rather than day trip)

The tube is honestly fine.

Generally when you go to visit someone you do just that GO to visit them.

I’m so confused and I’m hoping OP is busy with work/the school run and will come back, so many abandoned threads recently.

Long distance relationships require compromise. It’s not fair to expect him to always drive over to you - especially if he’s not staying at yours but doing a round trip to take you to his, and then back again when you leave. It makes more sense for you to travel to him sometimes. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you, you know it’s a faff.

I think it sounds like you have anxiety over travelling rather than there being a real risk of significant harm by taking a train. A significant amount of Londoners rely on trains on a daily basis, yet London on the whole is not a major hotspot. Travel at a quiet time, social distance, wear a mask etc. On the balance of probabilities it is unlikely that you’ll catch COVID.

Why don’t you drive? Perhaps you should start lessons/save for a car as a priority as otherwise you’ll continue to come across this situation. And maybe he’d be happy to pick you up whilst you take lessons, as it wouldn’t be a permanent arrangement then.

Your other options would be to meet him part way, ask him to visit you, or eventually just spilt up if it doesn’t work out.

@jessstan1

Good for you Jessitan- why let the information given be the basis of your reasoning, when you have already decided on whose guilty and can make up the facts to support that decision.
Must make life a lot easier.

@SoulofanAggron

YANBU- taking public transport isn't advised during Corona unless it can't be avoided (i.e. for work etc.)

I wouuld tell him you aren't comfortable taking public transport, you haven't been happy with it anyway and should've acted on the governmental advice from the start and will in future, and have realized this after the recent rise in cases.

If he wants to see you he can pick you up or come to you. It will also be a way of learning how commited he is.

Even if your son doesn't get major symptoms if he gets it, it wouldn't be good for you to catch it as you have DC to look after, which is harder when ill.

How committed os OP to the relationship if she isn't willing to go and see him.