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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t know how to feel about what just happened

84 replies

gingermornings · 13/10/2020 02:58

Name changed for this.

I’m probably just being silly but I’m feeling conflicted about what just happened.

I’ve been with my partner for two years and we have a baby. I’ve always had a high sex drive and we’ve always had a good sex life. I’ve never said no.

I was in the mood but then our DS woke up for a bottle and after that I felt sort of tired.

He kind of started to do things I normally like and then suddenly took off his boxers. I suddenly felt like an icky feeling and didn’t want to have sex anymore. I said to him it didn’t feel natural and didn’t want to do it. He kept saying come on, come on, come on every time I said I didn’t want to. And then he started again doing things that I normally like, I tried to get into it but it just didn’t feel right so I said no again. He kept trying and eventually I started to get turned on so we had sex and it was okay.

I’m probably just overreacting but I’ve never been in a position where I’ve said no before and I feel if he’d accepted it the first time maybe we wouldn’t have had sex.

Am I just overreacting?

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 13/10/2020 03:00

You are tired. it's as simple as this.

Snowmonster · 13/10/2020 03:05

He shouldn't have kept trying it on when you repeatedly said you didn't want to.
Totally disrespectful to you, he is not entitled to have sex with you just because he wants to. If you have said no you mean no!

pallisers · 13/10/2020 03:06

you said no. He refused to accept that. It's as simple as this.

No idea what you being tired has to do with anything.

Make of it what you want. I would be very upset with my husband if he had done this and we would be having a serious discussion about how no means no - not maybe, not keep trying, not just keep doing things to me I usually like if I say yes rather than no, - no means no.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/10/2020 03:34

No has to mean no. This sounds like coerced consent at best, borderline rape.

Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 03:35

So if he didn't take your 'no' into account this time, when would he? What would you do to have him take you seriously? Scream at him? I think what happened is a problem and I wouldn't want to have sex with him again.

Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 03:36

@Anordinarymum

You are tired. it's as simple as this.
No, it isn't. She didn't want sex, he didn't take any notice.
dhisreadingmypostsagain · 13/10/2020 03:47

That's how my DH used to behave, until I sat him and down and talked to about being a sex pest.

He would still behave like a teenager and I felt more mature after the babies and like I wanted control of my body in a different way.

In the old days pre children I'd of laughed off that incident and told him he was a pest and just gone along with it and laughed. So I had to explain to him my body my brain and my attitude towards sex had totally changed.

It also depends on the context of the no, I'd of said "noooo" "oh not now" but with a slight laugh to my tone, again pre babies.

Afterwards it would be a straight No.

I'd say talk to him, let him know how it's made you feel, expose to him no means no and see how you go? If everything else is good and a strong relationship I'm sure he will respect you.

custardbear · 13/10/2020 04:31

I think he was probably just trying to persuade and get you in the mood, it worked. Not saying it's right, but I think 'borderline rape' is a bit much! Perhaps have a conversation tomorrow about discomfort about being overly pushy and pestering so he doesn't try it again.

toffeekiwi · 13/10/2020 05:21

You said no, he should have respected that.

Monty27 · 13/10/2020 05:21

No means no. What about when you really tell him no

Quartz2208 · 13/10/2020 06:33

No you arent. He didnt listen and he overrided your boundaries and I think you need to talk to him.

You felt icky and the sex was only okay and that is going to stay with you and it could change how you feel about him

You need to tell him this is not ok

LavaCake · 13/10/2020 06:36

YANBU - it’s totally wrong for him to keep going after you said no and to pester you into agreeing. Pestering someone into consent isn’t proper consent - he was really disrespectful and I would find that behaviour disgusting and unacceptable.

Hope you’re ok OP Flowers

CarolVordermansBum · 13/10/2020 06:50

Iv'e had this happen with my ex, I said no repeatedly yet he took no notice, he kept saying 'just relax' and he told me to shush. My legs were clamped together and he kept prising them open with his hands. In the end I just had sex with him to get it over with and because I couldn't be bothered with an argument. It was absolutely horrible and I still don't think I've gotten over it. No should mean no, not keep pestering me until I give in. Its sickening. You need to trust the person you are having sex wtith to stop as soon as you say so.

Wiredforsound · 13/10/2020 06:57

He coerced you into sex. He knew you didn’t want it, but he kept pushing until he got it.

anotherhumanfemale · 13/10/2020 07:00

He carried on and you happened to get turned on. That bit is irrelevant though because when you let him know you didn't feel like it and said no, he didn't listen. And more than once too.

Would he have stopped at the next no if you'd not gone along with it? At which No would he have paid attention? And how would he have known you hadn't gone into a state of shut down because you were being traumatized by it? If your no wasn't enough, how would your silence have been?

You need a very serious discussion about this. No justifications and no making it about him feeling ok. He HAS to listen to you on this.

At the moment, what would happen the next time you're having sex if you stopped feeling like it mid-act and said no then? Do you feel confident that he'd listen?

How can you ever actually consent to sex again with him when your lack of consent means nothing?

These are all things to raise with him as a matter of urgency - before you're in bed again. If he's anything other than apologetic or genuinely trying to understand then you have someone who feels that your body is his for the taking.

Jeremyironseverything · 13/10/2020 07:03

You need to have a discussion about what happened. He should not be pressuring you like that. It's not acceptable.

MasksGlovesSoapScrubs · 13/10/2020 07:11

@Anordinarymum

You are tired. it's as simple as this.
This is not okay to say. She said no. No is no! Just because a woman is tired and eventually gives in to sex is not okay! Do not try to brush it over. This is what's wrong with this world.
MudCity · 13/10/2020 07:17

No means no. He should have respected that immediately.

While I understand he is not used to you saying no, he really does need to learn the meaning of the word very quickly and not put you under pressure ever again.

MerchantOfVenom · 13/10/2020 07:29

You will get people very anxious to downplay this - often due to an unwillingness to acknowledge the number of times they’ve been coerced into sex. But this isn’t OK.

It’s not necessarily deal-breaker territory (if you don’t want it to be), but it’s definitely not OK.

If you’re sometimes not in the mood for sex, you don’t have to have sex. You don’t just have it anyway, to please your man. That’s not how adults behave.

You need to talk to him, and not when it happens again.

Completely out of the bedroom, raise it with him, and discuss it. Let him know how it made you feel (and also how it makes you feel about him), and that it is not to happen again.

ptumbi · 13/10/2020 07:36

You are tired. it's as simple as this. seriously? That's a defence for coercive sex now?

'Oh yes Your Honour, she was just tired so I went ahead against her wishes.'
'Oh ok then, crack on with it whenever you feel she is too tired but YOU want sex.'

There is a name for what happened to you OP. Angry

RationalOne · 13/10/2020 07:37

If you don't want sex (for whatever reason at all) then don't have sex - that's ok - it's your body.

The issue here is that he ignored you and kept on and on and on until you had sex. That is a big red flag. What if one day you don't change your mind to wanting sex when he 'keeps on doing things' (what touching you, stroking you etc etc) will he just keep on and on until again you say yes.... that is really not right and very insensitive - almost as if he thinks you don't have the right to say no

GarlicSoup · 13/10/2020 08:07

@Anordinarymum

You are tired. it's as simple as this.
It’s certainly not ‘as simple as that’ the OP said ‘No’ and this should have been respected.
Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 08:35

@CarolVordermansBum

Iv'e had this happen with my ex, I said no repeatedly yet he took no notice, he kept saying 'just relax' and he told me to shush. My legs were clamped together and he kept prising them open with his hands. In the end I just had sex with him to get it over with and because I couldn't be bothered with an argument. It was absolutely horrible and I still don't think I've gotten over it. No should mean no, not keep pestering me until I give in. Its sickening. You need to trust the person you are having sex wtith to stop as soon as you say so.
OMG. That sounds awful.
Rollingdragon · 13/10/2020 08:47

CarolVordermansBum, you were raped. It is no wonder you haven't go over it. Have you spoken to anyone or got any help with dealing with this?

impossible · 13/10/2020 08:58

I'm guessing that you were both in the mood but then you were interrupted by feeding the baby and your mood changed. He may feel he was just trying to pick up where you'd both left off but he really needs to know that he made you feel horrible.

Talk to him today and be very clear no must mean no. Don't let it go. You're not overreacting.