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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don’t know how to feel about what just happened

84 replies

gingermornings · 13/10/2020 02:58

Name changed for this.

I’m probably just being silly but I’m feeling conflicted about what just happened.

I’ve been with my partner for two years and we have a baby. I’ve always had a high sex drive and we’ve always had a good sex life. I’ve never said no.

I was in the mood but then our DS woke up for a bottle and after that I felt sort of tired.

He kind of started to do things I normally like and then suddenly took off his boxers. I suddenly felt like an icky feeling and didn’t want to have sex anymore. I said to him it didn’t feel natural and didn’t want to do it. He kept saying come on, come on, come on every time I said I didn’t want to. And then he started again doing things that I normally like, I tried to get into it but it just didn’t feel right so I said no again. He kept trying and eventually I started to get turned on so we had sex and it was okay.

I’m probably just overreacting but I’ve never been in a position where I’ve said no before and I feel if he’d accepted it the first time maybe we wouldn’t have had sex.

Am I just overreacting?

OP posts:

IntermittentParps · 13/10/2020 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 13/10/2020 09:36

He absolutely should’ve stopped, no question.

Please trust your instincts

LannieDuck · 13/10/2020 09:36

What would have made him stop? If you'd shouted? If you'd screamed?

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2020 09:38

I’m not sure of some of these answers. The op says she got turned on and wanted sex.

The question is should he have tried to persuade her or just let it go, but she wasn’t forced or coerced. Let’s not make it something it was not.

MasksGlovesSoapScrubs · 13/10/2020 09:43

@Bluntness100

I’m not sure of some of these answers. The op says she got turned on and wanted sex.

The question is should he have tried to persuade her or just let it go, but she wasn’t forced or coerced. Let’s not make it something it was not.

She was pestered until she gave in. She didn't want to and said no. So please let's not try to downplay this. No Wonder Woman don't get listened to or it gets brushed over with responses like this.

MirandaGoshawk · 13/10/2020 10:06

I also think you ought to spell out to him what happened and how it made you feel, and why you didn't want to go ahead as normal, and this talk needs to be soon and not "in the heat of the moment". My DH would be mortified to think that he'd made me feel uncomfortable.

frazzledasarock · 13/10/2020 10:14

@Bluntness100

I’m not sure of some of these answers. The op says she got turned on and wanted sex.

The question is should he have tried to persuade her or just let it go, but she wasn’t forced or coerced. Let’s not make it something it was not.

So how many times does a woman have to say no before it turns to coercive sex?

He should have stopped at the first no, OP did not want to have sex, she had sex in the end but she's clearly not happy about it and it is not OK with her as she's on here posting about it and trying to work out why she feels upset about what happened.

The man should have stopped at the first no. It is not an invitation to see if he can have sex anyway by getting her to give in. Consensual sex is not one party giving in and allowing it to happen.

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2020 10:27

I’d agree, if she had not said she felt turned on and wanted sex. This is the bit for me, that makes it a grey area. Of course he shouldn’t have kept pestering her, but this is not she had sex and didn’t wish to. That’s not what she said. She said she had sex because she wanted to.

BiBabbles · 13/10/2020 10:29

You're not overreacting, there are a lot of big questions there that others have pointed out - just what would it have taken for him to respect your no, how far would he have gone, how would he have reacted if you had been been forceful on the no and his pestering and going forward without the go ahead, it's no wonder it's troubling you.

I think you two need to discuss how he can better respect the nos. Both the definite no and the 'I'm not in the mood at this moment, but am happy for X and we'll see if I end up in the mood', and with the latter, there needs to be ways to draw the line that you feel secure will be respected.

You didn't get that this time. Railroading over your nos and you ending up turned on doesn't change that and, possibly reading too far, it may have been a situation of arousal incongruence - his actions physically turned you on eventually, but emotionally things seem like they were far more complicated - the icky, not natural, pushing to get into it feeling and feeling pushed into it, which unsurprisingly often leads to negative emotional results afterwards. Discussing the impact of this is often difficult, but I think is important too.

Toothsil · 13/10/2020 10:31

I had this happen to me with my ex. I was on my period, I hate period sex, I had cramps and just didn't want it. He refused to listen to me saying no and I cried all the way through it.

frazzledasarock · 13/10/2020 10:41

@Bluntness100

women can orgasm when raped. It's a physiological reaction. Doesn't make it not rape.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 13/10/2020 10:45

Toothsil absolute bastard

differentnameforthis · 13/10/2020 11:08

@Bluntness100 The op says she got turned on and wanted sex.

THEN SHE CHANGED HER MND AND WITHDREW CONTSENT.

The question is should he have tried to persuade her or just let it go, but she wasn’t forced or coerced.

He badgered her until she relented, that is coercion.

Hailtomyteeth · 13/10/2020 11:12

Coercion, no doubt.
Tell him, not in bed, that if you say no, he has to believe you first time.
After that, if he does it again, leave him.

JenniferSantoro · 13/10/2020 11:28

@custardbear

I think he was probably just trying to persuade and get you in the mood, it worked. Not saying it's right, but I think 'borderline rape' is a bit much! Perhaps have a conversation tomorrow about discomfort about being overly pushy and pestering so he doesn't try it again.

Borderline rape. I agree absolutely not. She didn’t want to, he persuaded her, she got in the mood and had consensual sex.

picklemewalnuts · 13/10/2020 11:43

I would say all the 'attempts' to turn her on/persuade her were sexual assaults.

She said no, her kept doing things to her that in the past she has liked.

Eventually she got interested and agreed but UP TO THAT POINT he was effectively sexually assaulting her.

If I've said no and a guy shoves his hands up my shirt, down my pants etc then he's assaulting me.

This isn't like offering a cup of tea repeatedly until she's thirsty, this is ramming the cup against her mouth.

Butterer · 13/10/2020 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cadent · 13/10/2020 11:47

I second the fuck off to the 'You are tired. it's as simple as this' post. Urgh.

It's especially annoying when the first comment to a thread is disgusting.

You were pestered into sex, OP. It's not right.

Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 12:01

@Toothsil

I had this happen to me with my ex. I was on my period, I hate period sex, I had cramps and just didn't want it. He refused to listen to me saying no and I cried all the way through it.

I'm really sorry that happened to you.

differentnameforthis · 13/10/2020 12:07

For all those "but she got turned on and had sex" ... let's break it down

Op wanted sex, then didn't, and withdrew her consent - 1

He started doing things to her

I said to him it didn’t feel natural and didn’t want to do it - 2

He kept saying come on, come on, come on

every time I said I didn’t want to - 3 4 5

And then he started again doing things that I normally like,

I tried to get into it but it just didn’t feel right so I said no again - 6

Finally...

I’ve never been in a position where I’ve said no before and I feel if he’d accepted it the first time maybe we wouldn’t have had sex.

He pushed and pushed until her body reacted and sent a signal that she was turned on ... or did she simply fawn?

Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries.

themighty.com/2020/01/fight-flight-freeze-fawn-trauma-responses/

So perhaps the op went into fawn mode because she could sense she needed self preservation? The same way that some victims freeze.

Whatever happened, op is feeling bad enough to post about it here, so it isn't sitting right with her and so she knows it's a problem.

When you seek to condemn others for calling this what it is... abuse, sexual coercion, you seek to absolve those in the wrong. Why are you overlooking his horrible behaviour at ignoring not one, not two but 6 possible attempts by op to say NO to sex???

Jengnr · 13/10/2020 12:12

I think thd ‘you are tired’ comment meant ‘you tired, you didn’t want to, you shouldn’t have to’ but I could be wrong.

Agree with everyone else, he is waaay out of line.

QuestionableMouse · 13/10/2020 12:18

@Bluntness100

Plenty of rape victims find the physical act stimulating. Some may even orgasm. That's just how bodies work.

Doesn't mean it's okay.

Givemeabreak88 · 13/10/2020 12:22

I also read the “you are tired” comment to mean, that’s enough it’s as simple as that you don’t need to do anything other than say you are tired and that should be enough, so think some posters have jumped on Anordinarymum for no reason!

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 13/10/2020 12:29

OP - you need to talk to him about this.

The bottom line is that it is 100% unacceptable for him to keep pushing after you said you didn't feel like it.

Tell him that No actually means NO and the reality of having a baby means that the mood gets interrupted, and that is that.

I was very aware when I was feeding a baby that it took me ages to switch modes: Mum feeding a baby, where touch is very much about being a Mum and NOT sexy - to being a partner and the times when touch was being about sex. It wasn't an easy or instant transition. Foreplay is in the mind as well as the nerve endings.

Botttom line: no means no.
Relationship-wise: he needs to be far more sensitive to what different demands mean to you.

flaviaritt · 13/10/2020 12:34

He absolutely shouldn’t be pressuring you after you’ve turned down sex.

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