Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t know how to feel about what just happened

84 replies

gingermornings · 13/10/2020 02:58

Name changed for this.

I’m probably just being silly but I’m feeling conflicted about what just happened.

I’ve been with my partner for two years and we have a baby. I’ve always had a high sex drive and we’ve always had a good sex life. I’ve never said no.

I was in the mood but then our DS woke up for a bottle and after that I felt sort of tired.

He kind of started to do things I normally like and then suddenly took off his boxers. I suddenly felt like an icky feeling and didn’t want to have sex anymore. I said to him it didn’t feel natural and didn’t want to do it. He kept saying come on, come on, come on every time I said I didn’t want to. And then he started again doing things that I normally like, I tried to get into it but it just didn’t feel right so I said no again. He kept trying and eventually I started to get turned on so we had sex and it was okay.

I’m probably just overreacting but I’ve never been in a position where I’ve said no before and I feel if he’d accepted it the first time maybe we wouldn’t have had sex.

Am I just overreacting?

OP posts:
IntermittentParps · 13/10/2020 13:19

If that's what the 'tired' comment meant then I apologise unreservedly to Anordinarymum and won't be so trigger-happy in future! Blush

earthtopluto · 13/10/2020 13:29

This is absolutely sexual coercion. You said no, he carried on, you said no again, he carried on. The fact that you got turned on is neither here nor there. He didn't know you were going to get turned on and enjoy it after you'd said no twice. Despicable behaviour on his part.

thelegohooverer · 13/10/2020 13:52

There are so many mixed messages about this kind of behaviour culturally, particularly on screen, that I think men often don’t know that they are crossing the line. You only have to read through this thread to see how many posters don’t quite get the boundaries either.

Communication is really important. My dh is older than me and even more exposed to rapey stereotypes of romance, and seduction. I’ve had to explain, clearly, that as an adult human female I am perfectly capable of determining my level of sexual desire. I do not need to be persuaded. I am not playing games if I say no. Sometimes I’m up for it, sometimes I’m not. It’s not about him. There is never a situation where my no means yes.

He accepts that because he’s not a rapist but he was horrified that something he would have intended as basically complimentary and romantic can come across as coercive and threatening. And in his own interests he knows that triggering an “ick” response can be detrimental to a relationship.

Even if I were the only woman in the world who felt like this, that should be enough reason for my dh to respect those boundaries.

I would encourage you to have a conversation about this because men can have absorbed some fucked up social conditioning. But let me be clear that I’m not saying you owe him a second chance, that it’s your responsibility to educate him, or any other poor menz nonsense.

At the end of the day, you have to do what feels right to you. The only obligation is to your well being.

ViciousJackdaw · 13/10/2020 14:35

Rape though? For fucks sake, this was not rape. Nagging and pestering, yes but not rape.

You are not overreacting though, he should have listened and stopped as soon as you said 'no'. I presume this isn't a deal breaker for you so have a think about what you are going to do now. Do you think you will attempt to talk to him about it? If this happens again, what will you do?

Feelingconfused2020 · 13/10/2020 14:54

When you say he was doing things that normally run you in do you mean intimate things? In which case that was assault as you were saying no while he was touching you? I can't see how that isn't assault. There's no wonder you feel icky, I think it would be the end for me.

Cadent · 13/10/2020 15:09

@IntermittentParps

If that's what the 'tired' comment meant then I apologise unreservedly to Anordinarymum and won't be so trigger-happy in future! Blush
I doubt it, given no further explanation.
Generalblah · 13/10/2020 15:13

Rape is just excessive. He was trying his lukc and got it. Perhaps you could have been sterner. You say you never say no and then continued to try to get in the mood. I understand he should have accepted no in the first place but it all depends on the circumstances around it. You put it very black and white but perhaps there was a grey area (tone of voice when saying no for example; were you skirking at all? Was you very serious and stern in saying no?)

I wouldn’t hold onto this but I would explain to him that in future if you say no, regardless of tone, you would expect him to accept your answer.

I am obviously surmising but I definitely do not think he did it maliciously unless there are other warning signs to his behaviour with you.

Twigletfairy · 13/10/2020 15:25

She did not need to be sterner! Can fuck right off with that shit!

No means no. A woman should not have to repeatedly say no. It doesn't depend on circumstances. If a person says no, the other person should respect their wishes.

I hope some of you don't have any sons!

Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 15:29

@Generalblah

Rape is just excessive. He was trying his lukc and got it. Perhaps you could have been sterner. You say you never say no and then continued to try to get in the mood. I understand he should have accepted no in the first place but it all depends on the circumstances around it. You put it very black and white but perhaps there was a grey area (tone of voice when saying no for example; were you skirking at all? Was you very serious and stern in saying no?)

I wouldn’t hold onto this but I would explain to him that in future if you say no, regardless of tone, you would expect him to accept your answer.

I am obviously surmising but I definitely do not think he did it maliciously unless there are other warning signs to his behaviour with you.

She said 'no' repeatedly. If she said it with a more stern voice, would he have taken her seriously? I doubt it. Doesn't matter if his intentions were malicious or not, he rode roughshod over her boundaries regardless.
Butterer · 13/10/2020 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butterer · 13/10/2020 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 15:32

@Butterer

in my very similar experience, the next experience I had was being raped in the way that pp seem to think is the "proper" way, without even attempting the coercive bits beforehand. And he made a delightful comment that however I felt about him, our bodies still liked each other because of the way pp have said our bodies react to stuff even when our brains don't.

I still feel sick at that years lateral.
It's a huge red flag.

Ugh. That's so grim. Sorry you went through that.
Butterer · 13/10/2020 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

picklemewalnuts · 13/10/2020 16:20

It doesn't matter that it wasn't intended maliciously, when you selfishly override your partners' expressed consent.

Some people are behaving as though he cheekily slipped off his shirt and tempted her with a wink and a nudge!

He sexually handled her while she was repeatedly saying no. Why is that so hard to process?

Op, I'm sorry. That was awful, and this thread is pretty awful too. I feel as though we've had to get blunt to help people understand why this feels ick.

I'm not telling you what to do- maybe you'll talk to him and clarify things, maybe you won't. Up to you. Whatever you decide Thanks

User0ne · 13/10/2020 16:52

I think you need to have a conversation with your Dp about what happened and how you felt/feel about it. How he reacts will tell you a lot about him and will help you decide what you want to do with the relationship going forward.

I have 2 small children and sometimes have sex with DH when I don't really feel like it. BUT if I ever say "no" he stops. I've never had to repeat myself with him in that way.

BillywilliamV · 13/10/2020 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ptumbi · 13/10/2020 17:15

The op says she got turned on and wanted sex. - 'in the old days' a defence lawyer used to be able to ask a Rape Victim if 'she enjoyed it?'. FFS. I am disgusted at the minimising and dismissing of women's wants, feelings, needs.

What if op had not 'got turned on'? What if she had kept saying No?

He would have raped her. He did rape her - coercive sex is rape.

I'd chuck him. I would never trust him again.

BillywilliamV · 13/10/2020 17:24

But she did get turned on, she did stop saying no! You really suggesting that she kicks her baby’s father out because of this?

Quartz2208 · 13/10/2020 17:35

But did she stop saying NO because clearly it didnt work

And one NO is enough.

IJustWantSomeBees · 13/10/2020 17:53

Evidently to a lot of women on here no doesn't mean no. Disgusting, no wonder women find it so difficult to get justice in the courts with the vile attitude that is being displayed here.

OP what he did was not ok and I'm very sorry this happened to you. You know in your gut that it was wrong, it's why you've posted here, so don't let any of these ignorant souls invalidate your feelings.

Iamthedevilinthedetail · 13/10/2020 18:20

Yes you do know how you feel. You feel pretty angry and a bit violated, and you're really scared to think that your man did that to you and apparently didn't see anything wrong with it.
Technically it was rape - you said no and he kept going, and 'giving in' isn't really the same as consent BUT you now have to decide what to do with that feeling. Do you confront him, even gently and say that you feel violated? Will he then take the huff and think you're accusing him of rape and then will this cause a huge stushie in your relationship? Do you shrug and say he was just feeling really horny and at least he came to you instead of going elsewhere with his raging erection? Do you find the words to say that you are so exhausted with the new baby that you can't just leap into action at a moments notice at least just now? Can you tell him how good you feel as a family when he just holds you and watches over you while you sleep? It's a really difficult one when you're otherwise happily married. If you confront him will he be upset or angry - will it cause a rift in an otherwise good relationship? Did he not realise that even within marriage, no means no? Does he realise how he made you feel? Can you forgive him? No one can answer these questions for you. Men often feel 'left out' when a new mum is really intensely bonding with a baby and it could be he wanted to remind you he was there too. I don't know your circumstances, so I can't help much I guess. But something important happened, and you need to figure out your reaction quickly and how to stop it happening again.

IJustWantSomeBees · 13/10/2020 18:36

No, it is NOT her responsibility to process her reaction quickly or stop him from assaulting her again. In what world is that good advice? I honsestly cannot fathom how so many of you are actively assuming the role of rape apologist.

Disa13 · 13/10/2020 18:42

I would once have laughed this off many years ago when it happened to me. I now look at badgering people into sex (to avoid an argument etc) with disgust. There's a serious lack of respect there. I'm sure he wouldn't have got aggressive if you'd said no, then stood up and walked off, but making you feel you've got to do it to avoid a bad atmosphere is very wrong

Janaih · 13/10/2020 18:43

Recently saw this on social media. Spot on.
Some of the comments on this thread are infuriating.

I don’t know how to feel about what just happened
differentnameforthis · 14/10/2020 09:01

@ViciousJackdaw

Rape though? For fucks sake, this was not rape. Nagging and pestering, yes but not rape.

You are not overreacting though, he should have listened and stopped as soon as you said 'no'. I presume this isn't a deal breaker for you so have a think about what you are going to do now. Do you think you will attempt to talk to him about it? If this happens again, what will you do?

Nagging and pestering someone into sex means they aren't consenting.