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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For losing my shit at my husband whose response to our carbon monoxide alarm going off was "It's probably a fault, just go back to sleep"?

115 replies

disneybee · 12/10/2020 01:19

So we sleep right next to the kitchen (which has the boiler in it) and leave the doors open so our young kids can wander through to our room easily if they wake during the night. I've always been concerned about the safety of us and our kids sleeping on either side of the kitchen. When our carbon monoxide alarm woke us up tonight, I got up and anxiously started wondering what to do. My husband was so dismissive, saying its probably a fault, just go back to sleep. This isn't the first time his stupidity has made me frustrated about the safety of our kids. (Think falling asleep with the back door unlocked; not fitting car seats correctly etc). I have a problem with being over anxious and I'm not sure if that stems from feeling so responsible for the kids.

Anyway I lost my temper and shouted at my husband calling him stupid, ignoring a CO alarm and going back to sleep, what is the point of having an alarm, esp considering we've been lethargic and headachey recently. The alarm has stopped now, but I've opened the windows and called the Gas Safety line, who are sending someone round to check our house. My husband muttered "of course they have to send someone, once you phone them" and I am fuming at him. He's tried apologising to me and joked that he is scared of me but I am really angry at him for always leaving all the sense of being responsible for the safety of our kids up to me. AIBU for being horrible at him?

OP posts:
Feelingpoorlysick · 12/10/2020 01:23

Not unreasonable at all. You've absolutely done the right thing. Hopefully it's nothing to worry about but it's better to be safe than sorry!

Saracen · 12/10/2020 01:24

Of course you are right. I am very laid back about most things, but the sole reason you have a carbon monoxide alarm is so you can act to save yourselves if it alerts you to the possibility there may be a high level of CO2.

The fact you ahve been lethargic and headachey recently is extra reason to do something.

Hope you are okay.

ChristmasStocckings · 12/10/2020 01:24

What a man child. If the alarm goes off it’s worth getting it checked out. What is the point of having an alarm if you are just going to ignore it!

JamieLeeCurtains · 12/10/2020 01:25

esp considering we've been lethargic and headachey recently.

You're right. He's not.

seayork2020 · 12/10/2020 01:28

But you are an adult so if you were that concerned you could have calmly said you are concerned and done something yourself and left him do it, alarms do tend to go off at night more than in the day but I presume the point of them is to warn people - you were warned so you can do what you need to do.

Being hysterical, yes the words you used made the impression you were, is not going to help

and yes there will be poster on here telling you to leave him, which is up to you.

Yes car sits seats should be fitted correctly and yes a back door should be locked but I can't say I have done every single thing myself 100% perfectly and if my husband reacted the way you did that would be just as unacceptable.

Being anxious is no excuse for treating people badly

Colabottles64 · 12/10/2020 01:30

It's so scary isn't it! Yadnbu, he's being an idiot. We had it go off a few months back, a build up of dust and lint clogged the vents for our boiler coupled with some worn out rubber seals causing it. The gas guys were so quick and helpful, they shut off the gas and identified where the issue was, and our plumber sorted it the next day.

EKGEMS · 12/10/2020 01:30

He's lucky-if I were you he'd have some deep regrets wishing his inner "wife is gonna kill me" alarm had gone off

Colabottles64 · 12/10/2020 01:37

@seayork2020 in fairness, few of us are our calm and best selves when woken at 1am by an alarm you really hope will never need to go off, especially when you can't see or identify the source of the danger because all I could seem to recall when it went off was "carbon monoxide is known as the silent killer". This is not a thought conducive to calm when your hubby is simply wanting to roll over and go back to his slumber Smile

safariboot · 12/10/2020 01:44

YANBU.

Wow he's stupid.

CO isn't like smoke. You can't see it or smell it, you can't tell it's there until it starts killing you. If the CO alarm goes off, open the windows and get out.

Headaches and tiredness are classic CO poisoning symptoms. You've probably had low-level exposure for some time.

seayork2020 · 12/10/2020 01:45

[quote Colabottles64]@seayork2020 in fairness, few of us are our calm and best selves when woken at 1am by an alarm you really hope will never need to go off, especially when you can't see or identify the source of the danger because all I could seem to recall when it went off was "carbon monoxide is known as the silent killer". This is not a thought conducive to calm when your hubby is simply wanting to roll over and go back to his slumber Smile[/quote]
rightly or wrongly I may have said the same, would it be acceptable for a male to treat a female the way that has been laid out in the OP?

there always seems double standards to everything a male/female does

men = controlling, big meanies, red flags
woman= anxious, concerned, saints

amusedtodeath1 · 12/10/2020 01:57

@seayork2020

But you are an adult so if you were that concerned you could have calmly said you are concerned and done something yourself and left him do it, alarms do tend to go off at night more than in the day but I presume the point of them is to warn people - you were warned so you can do what you need to do.

Being hysterical, yes the words you used made the impression you were, is not going to help

and yes there will be poster on here telling you to leave him, which is up to you.

Yes car sits seats should be fitted correctly and yes a back door should be locked but I can't say I have done every single thing myself 100% perfectly and if my husband reacted the way you did that would be just as unacceptable.

Being anxious is no excuse for treating people badly

The Alarm that tells you when there's a dangerous level of a gas that KILLS people goes off and you think it's acceptable to go back to sleep?

Darwin award right there.

seayork2020 · 12/10/2020 02:03

well I don't call the fire brigade every time the smoke detector goes off

JamieLeeCurtains · 12/10/2020 02:06

@seayork2020

well I don't call the fire brigade every time the smoke detector goes off
It didnt. The OP didn't.
Butterer · 12/10/2020 02:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seayork2020 · 12/10/2020 02:10

@Butterer

It's easy to tell whether the smoke alarm going off is a blip; impossible with a carbon monoxide detector. I second the Darwin nomination...
I also never said nothing should be done but one adult getting hysterical at another is not going to help things, the OP could have grabbed the children and left the house if the OP was that concerned.

The OP did sort it out eventually and none of us can never say we have always 100% done everything perfectly in our lives and never once put our kids in a bad situation, I cannot say 100% I have not

Butterer · 12/10/2020 02:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amusedtodeath1 · 12/10/2020 02:19

Being deliberately obtuse?

Original poster
disneybee · 12/10/2020 02:38

[quote Colabottles64]**@seayork2020 in fairness, few of us are our calm and best selves when woken at 1am by an alarm you really hope will never need to go off, especially when you can't see or identify the source of the danger because all I could seem to recall when it went off was "carbon monoxide is known as the silent killer". This is not a thought conducive to calm when your hubby is simply wanting to roll over and go back to his slumber Smile[/quote]
Yes this! ^

@colabottles64 what a scary situation for you, glad you were safe!

We've had the gas safety man out, all good, it was a faulty alarm thank goodness. He tested everything and was incredibly nice and said I'd done the right thing. My husband is being rather smug about the fact he was right all along (about it being a false alarm) but I still think he is being a twat. At least everything is fine, we are all safe and my two lovely children are safe.

@seayork2020 I agree with what you've said to an extent, and I wholeheartedly agree with your suggestion that situations are often perceived differently when the genders are reversed. Having said that i don't think genders were relevant in this situation. Pretty sure I would understand a male getting as upset at his wife as I did at my husband if she showed such indifference to their children's safety

Anyway its all done now and my husband and children are fast asleep and we are all safe and I'm going to sleep now thank you to the people who reassured me that I wasn't completely overreacting.x

OP posts:
Butterer · 12/10/2020 02:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leaannb · 12/10/2020 02:55

Ehh...the only thing you did wrong was call names. Never an excuse to call your partner names. Its abusive. But you were definitely right to get it checked out

Cantbreathe2020 · 12/10/2020 03:05

@disneybee Anyway its all done now and my husband and children are fast asleep and we are all safe and I'm going to sleep now thank you to the people who reassured me that I wasn't completely overreacting.x

Whilst I'm relieved you're all safe, and there's a happy ending to the CO2 portion of this event, I must admit I'm rather shocked at your lack of concern for your partner's lack of concern for his family! (I'm not just referring to the CO2 alarm )

Seeingadistance · 12/10/2020 03:20

I’m glad all has checked out ok.

Your DH is a fool. CO kills, and turning over and going back yo sleep could have, quite literally, have been the last thing he did.

A former lecturer of mine didn’t show for work one day. He and his wife were found dead in their living room, sitting on the sofa, TV still on. This was back before CO detectors and alarms were commonplace.

rainbowninja · 12/10/2020 03:28

YANBU

Being responsible for your kids in a potentially life threatening situation is bound to make you a little bit stressed OP, glad you made the call, I would have done the same

creaturcomforts · 12/10/2020 03:39

Well no, in my opinion yanbu, this was similar to things ex did that gave me the ick. Like plonking our baby daughter who had only being able to sit upright unaided at the end of the till packing area and letting her run up to play with random people's dogs and getting angry with me when I pointed out it could be dangerous.

To me you have a different outlook, and need a calm one to one to see whether you can talk about it, he was probably half asleep though at that point so perhaps didn't realise.

mathanxiety · 12/10/2020 04:26

Glad everything was ok.

YANBU about him ignoring the alarm, and about the other things he has been cavalier about too.

Is he careless about things at work too or does he reserve the special treatment for his loved ones?

Your anxiety is probably related to the burden of responsibility you feel. Time to have a Talk.