For losing my shit at my husband whose response to our carbon monoxide alarm going off was "It's probably a fault, just go back to sleep"?

[disneybee]

So we sleep right next to the kitchen (which has the boiler in it) and leave the doors open so our young kids can wander through to our room easily if they wake during the night. I've always been concerned about the safety of us and our kids sleeping on either side of the kitchen. When our carbon monoxide alarm woke us up tonight, I got up and anxiously started wondering what to do. My husband was so dismissive, saying its probably a fault, just go back to sleep. This isn't the first time his stupidity has made me frustrated about the safety of our kids. (Think falling asleep with the back door unlocked; not fitting car seats correctly etc). I have a problem with being over anxious and I'm not sure if that stems from feeling so responsible for the kids.

Anyway I lost my temper and shouted at my husband calling him stupid, ignoring a CO alarm and going back to sleep, what is the point of having an alarm, esp considering we've been lethargic and headachey recently. The alarm has stopped now, but I've opened the windows and called the Gas Safety line, who are sending someone round to check our house. My husband muttered "of course they have to send someone, once you phone them" and I am fuming at him. He's tried apologising to me and joked that he is scared of me but I am really angry at him for always leaving all the sense of being responsible for the safety of our kids up to me. AIBU for being horrible at him?

"@seayork2020 well I don't call the fire brigade every time the smoke detector goes off"

Yes but you can see smoke. You can't see carbon monoxide. Stop being silly.

@Gumbo I've lost count of the number of times the smoke alarms have gone off in the small hours ... I have to admit I've become very complacent now and tend to not bother leaving

I can see why, but I have a DD whose job it is to evacuate a hotel in case of a fire alarm. They have a certain amount of time to check whether it is a false alarm, and then everyone out. So please at least be 'ready to leave'.
The last false alarm was someone having a shower but leaving the bathroom door open contrary to instructions in the room, (the spray/condensation sets the alarms off.) Because they were still in the shower they couldn't hear DD knock to check all was actually OK, so the whole place had to evacuate.

Wow your husband is an idiot! When I was younger, we had a carbon monoxide leak and I dread to think what would have happened if my mum hadn't been so quick thinking when she felt like she couldn't stay awake. We didn't have an alarm (were they around 30 years ago?) so if she had just fallen asleep, it would have eventually spread upstairs to where my siblings and I were asleep.

SpanielSprint

There was a thread just the other day where the OP had done something potentially dangerous to her boiler and stopped it working - her DP shouted at her and called her a stupid bitch, and everyone was up in arms (quite rightly).

I guess you haven't revisited that thread lately? The gas engineer was able to figure out it was her DH's fiddling with the valves that had caused the boiler to spurt out hot water. No apology from the DH for the names he called the OP of the thread, however.

YANBU for being so annoyed at your dumb arse husband OP and I would be doubly annoyed at his smugness. Always better to be safe than sorry. Your DH is a twat.

Some things you can take calculated risks with.

Carbon monoxide isn't one of them.

He's wildly stupid to say just go back to sleep.
What, and not wake up?

You were absolutely right to not ignore the alarm but I don't know that I agree with calling your DH names over it. I don't think I would ever call DH stupid and I'd be very offended if he called me that. Of course it's a ridiculous thing not to take seriously but the other things you mention that he's done aren't super dangerous... from your post I feel that maybe you are very anxious and he's laid back, and you're clashing because of different world views. I think it's possible to tell someone to get a grip without calling them insulting words. I've just been on a thread telling a woman whose DH called her a thick bitch to leave him and I feel like there are lines in how we talk to our partners that shouldn't be crossed.
TL; DR you were right to be angry, but maybe don't go overboard with the disparaging remarks

I’m wondering how much of your anxiety is in response to your DH’s lax attitude. Add to that your DH telling you that you’re overreacting; that’s him deflecting.

It’s very wearing to be the one who has to be on the ball the whole time. My DH has always been very lax and it has affected how I view him.

YANBU. Had their have been a leak you could all be dead if you'd followed his advice. He IS stupid and deserves to be told that when he's risking the lives of your babies out of laziness. This would be a huge problem for me - I too have a DH who pushes the weight of child safety on to me

You are nbu to take the alarm seriously; you are bu to yell at him and lose your temper.

The latter doesn't help. Learn to be able to speak sternly and with authority when you KNOW he has done something wrong.

otoh I was pretty lax about fitting a car seat properly in the past but I had it put in professionally now and there it stays!
I do have the tendency not to lock doors, front as well as back, even when I leave the house. That comes from always living in "safe" areas, and is not likely to change.

@LannieDuck

There was a thread just the other day where the OP had done something potentially dangerous to her boiler and stopped it working - her DP shouted at her and called her a stupid bitch, and everyone was up in arms (quite rightly).

I guess you haven't revisited that thread lately? The gas engineer was able to figure out it was her DH's fiddling with the valves that had caused the boiler to spurt out hot water. No apology from the DH for the names he called the OP of the thread, however.

You’ve missed my point completely (as I knew someone would). It’s not about who’s right or wrong, it’s the fact that verbal abuse is always out of order. Re-read the OP. She wasn’t asking whether she was right to react to the CO alarm (of course she was) she is asking if she was u reasonable to ‘lose her shit’. I think she was.

I appreciate that some people tolerate a certain level of ‘shoutyness’ and aggression in their personal relationships and think it’s normal. So there are going to be varied opinions on this.

You were right to respond to the alarm. There was no way you could have known it was a faulty alarm. Your h is reckless. You should be able to trust him to keep your family safe.

@Bowerbird5

Disneybee I’ve got one(DH) like that! I woke up to hear noises downstairs and nudge him awake. He told me to go down and see what is was rolled over and went back to sleep😲not quite what I was expecting. It turned out to be one of our sons (adult) who had been away and came back earlier than expected. It could have been a burglar though. I stopped relying on him...ever.

And what could he do differently with burglar than you could in all fairness 🤷🏻 If you suspect burglary don't be stupid enough to go down. Make noise so they run off then go down.

YANBU for being concerned and calling the gas people. YABU for losing your shit. It’s telling that he said he is scared of you - maybe his hackles go up because shouting is a regular occurrence, and he gets defensive. Not an excuse for ignoring the alarm I know.

You absolutely did the right thing.

I certainly don't think you were overreacting.

I do wonder a little bit though if this "anxiously started wondering what to do" means you panicked and flapped about and wanted him to deal with everything rather than calmly dealing with the situation yourself? No judgement just I used to be a bit like this when my anxiety was bad and I know it drove ExDH mad.

Yanbu, your DH is an idiot. And of course you lost it, who wouldn’t when they have a partner who is so cavalier about his family’s safety? I would have called my DH a lot worse if he’d wanted to turn over and go back to sleep when an alarm was going off. Ignore the abuse comments.
We once had the house alarm go off about 4am - it’s disorienting and frightening.

Yanbu I’m glad everything is ok

He's unreasonable but these alarms go off and don't stop when the battery is dying as well so its always worth keeping a spare in just in case.

You did the right thing, hasn't he heard of these families where people die in their bloody sleep.

can I add something else - CO2 alarms have a lifespan (5 to10 years) please everybody check as the filters can get clogged/useless over time &you need to replace them

We have the colour changing stickers dotted around as well as an alarm for this very reason.

Our last CO monitor the battery died and it alarmed. I took it outside and it still alarmed. The new ones I bought have a display and shows what level it’s measuring at so at least if the alarm goes off I can see if it’s the battery or not. I also have three in the house (by the wood burner, cooker and boiler) so can move them about if one alarms. Your husband is a twat though!

Well you were right to open windows and call the gas line to have it checked out.

But shouting at your husband and calling him stupid is unreasonable. You need to better control your temper. A CO2 alarm going off is not an excuse to “lose your shit” and it’s a bad example to your children about how to act calmly when an alarm goes off. Furthermore, he’s even apologised to you for his misstep and said he’s scared of you, and you’re still fuming? You should also be apologising to him for verbally abusing him like that not still fuming at him.