For losing my shit at my husband whose response to our carbon monoxide alarm going off was "It's probably a fault, just go back to sleep"?

[disneybee]

So we sleep right next to the kitchen (which has the boiler in it) and leave the doors open so our young kids can wander through to our room easily if they wake during the night. I've always been concerned about the safety of us and our kids sleeping on either side of the kitchen. When our carbon monoxide alarm woke us up tonight, I got up and anxiously started wondering what to do. My husband was so dismissive, saying its probably a fault, just go back to sleep. This isn't the first time his stupidity has made me frustrated about the safety of our kids. (Think falling asleep with the back door unlocked; not fitting car seats correctly etc). I have a problem with being over anxious and I'm not sure if that stems from feeling so responsible for the kids.

Anyway I lost my temper and shouted at my husband calling him stupid, ignoring a CO alarm and going back to sleep, what is the point of having an alarm, esp considering we've been lethargic and headachey recently. The alarm has stopped now, but I've opened the windows and called the Gas Safety line, who are sending someone round to check our house. My husband muttered "of course they have to send someone, once you phone them" and I am fuming at him. He's tried apologising to me and joked that he is scared of me but I am really angry at him for always leaving all the sense of being responsible for the safety of our kids up to me. AIBU for being horrible at him?

@seayork2020

well I don't call the fire brigade every time the smoke detector goes off

Not the same at all @seayork2020 - you can see and smell smoke, so can check if the smoke alarm being activated is likely to be a fault or because THERE IS ACTUALLY SMOKE! You can't do that with CO (carbon monoxide) - it can kill you within minutes, YES MINUTES, and if those minutes of CO exposure are while you or your children are asleep then you don't stand a chance.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Well you were right to open windows and call the gas line to have it checked out.

But shouting at your husband and calling him stupid is unreasonable. You need to better control your temper. A CO2 alarm going off is not an excuse to “lose your shit” and it’s a bad example to your children about how to act calmly when an alarm goes off. Furthermore, he’s even apologised to you for his misstep and said he’s scared of you, and you’re still fuming? You should also be apologising to him for verbally abusing him like that not still fuming at him.

Sorry, do you think rolling over and going back to sleep when a CO alarm is going off is a good example to children??

His response was stupid and dangerous.

@ChristmasStocckings

What a man child. If the alarm goes off it’s worth getting it checked out. What is the point of having an alarm if you are just going to ignore it!

Exactly this!

If he's going to take no notice, then take it out so it doesn't disturb your sleep as you drift of into your eternal rest.

Your DH is an idiot!

Was it showing a number of co levels or just beeping as it needed battery change? If there was a ppm number showing then he was unreasonable.

Wow, I can't believe some of the responses on here. Some people are really dumb.

Well done OP.

When our carbon monoxide alarm woke us up tonight, I got up and anxiously started wondering what to do.

That was rather crap, childish and irresponsible of you. You need to know what to do when the alarm goes off so that, when it happens, you just do it. You're an adult. You're a parent. What would you do if you were the only adult in the house?

What's the point of having an alarm if you don't know what to do when it goes off? What's the point of being an anxious person if you can't channel that anxiousness into practical behaviour and a useful sense of adult responsibility?

I think you would feel much calmer if you actually felt responsible for everything. That might seem perverse but really, knowing that you know what to do and can handle things is the most reassuring position you can be in. Trying to rely on someone who you know is unreliable is both stressful and stupid.

You sound as though you've fallen victim to gender stereotypes, whereby women scream and manly men swoop in, magically knowing how to do all practical things, and save them.

Start by recognising yourself as an autonomous, responsible adult, equally capable of finding out how to do useful and practical things. You'll start to feel much better, because you'll feel more in control of your life. You'll also be in a much stronger position to expect the same of your husband.

@TeenPlusTwenties

To clarify Elai's comment: CO2 is carbon dioxide - this is what we breathe out. CO is carbon monoxide - this is the dangerous one.

This. The alarms are for CO, but a number of posters keep referring to CO2.

And yes I agree it wasn't good of the OP to call her DH names, but she was right in being cautious that the alarm was working and getting it checked out.

You can see if there's a fire, causing a smoke alarm to go off. You can't see CO, so it's better to assume the alarm is working, then get it checked.

I often think people here are over the top. But in this case you were absolutely right to be furious. Of course carbon monoxide is lethal. You did the right thing calling the gas board.DH is the other way round re this kind of thing so it's made me more award. But anything to do with gas always needs to be thooroughly checked.

@AntsInPenzance
Sorry, do you think rolling over and going back to sleep when a CO alarm is going off is a good example to children??

No, I don’t which is why I said first sentence OP took the correct action:
“Well you were right to open windows and call the gas line to have it checked out.”

Are you saying that “losing your shit” and shouting at your partner calling them “stupid” is a good response to something as mundane as a CO2 alarm going off then? And then still fuming at them after they’ve apologised for being wrong and said they are scared of you is a good thing?

OP took correct steps but she did so in an angry and abusive manner. It’s not just what we do, but how we do it.

I'd wake DH if he was here - and probably teens would get up now as well.

I'd need someone to locate the cats - so we could then safely open the windows and doors then check batteries in alarm and see if we can find the second one that came in the orignaial pack to check it wasn't that alarm.

My DH wouldn't dimiss it though as he and his Mum nearly died from a faulty gas fire when he was a child.

AND OP is asking is she being unreasonable to still be horrible to him
She is still punishing her DH for having wrong reaction to the alarm. Sorry but that’s abuse.

Of course you are right. I am very laid back about most things, but the sole reason you have a carbon monoxide alarm is so you can act to save yourselves if it alerts you to the possibility there may be a high level of CO2.

CO= carbon monoxide
CO2 = carbon dioxide

CO2 is in the atmosphere. We breathe it out, trees use it for photosynthesis. So long as it's in balance, it's harmless. (Out of balance it is a greenhouse gas and does contribute to warming).

CO is the dangerous one because it isn't fully oxidised. If you breath it in it forms carboxyhaemoglobin in your bloodstream, meaning there's less haemoglobin available to form the oxyhaemoglobin you should be making to carry oxygen around your bloodstream. So basically you slowly suffocate. Part of the problem with CO poisoning is that it causes confusion - so rolling over and going back to sleep when the alarm goes off might be a symptom of poisoning, although I'm going along with your husband being an arse.

YADNBU! He is being very silly and immature .Hopefully the Gas Engineer will be able to trace any problems for you .He needs to get a grip and realise that Alarms go off for a reason!Ours went berserk! Needed a new Boiler! Hopefully less expensive for you!

@PlanDeRaccordement

AND OP is asking is she being unreasonable to still be horrible to him She is still punishing her DH for having wrong reaction to the alarm. Sorry but that’s abuse.

Well it's not behavior I'd recommend as it's unlikey to have any positive effect long term.

I'd try talking to him making sure he understood the risk he was taking by ignoring the alarm. If he refused to take any safety measures onboard then that's a different problem.

Show him this:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-32769317

Carbon monoxide KILLS.

Husband is a gas safe registered engineer, and wouldn't dream of installing a new boiler in a bedroom without also installing a CO detector, with a long battery life. It should only sound when either: it has detected unacceptable CO levels, or: when the battery needs to be replaced.
You did exactly the right thing. In the Thomas cook incident the adults survived because their bodies are bigger and would have needed more of the poison to kill them than their children. If you've already had headaches then it sounds like you could already have an issue....

I wonder if you could have opened the windows and made the telephone call without being abusive? I expect when you make a mistake and your DP acts in a similar way, you won't think it's appropriate. You may want to consider your actions rather than bask in righteous approval.

What an idiot, what does he think the point in getting an alarm was then?

Apparently, we need carbon monoxide detectors that show the percentage it detects; it’s not enough to have one that goes off at a certain level. Levels below that can still cause low level carbon monoxide poisoning, as we found out!

We would never have a boiler in a bedroom, after that!

Is he aware that (if you'll pardon the expression) you could all have woken up dead the next morning? That he was lucky it was a false alarm and next time it might well be real?
He needs to realise this and i don't think you can be too blunt about it.

An alternative to trying to get someone to admit they were wrong might be to agree to sit and review your fire (and other emergencies) action/evacuation plan together so you can both be clear what each should be doing and what needs to be done.

Abuse for 'Losing her shit' & calling him stupid - when he was going to ignore the alarm?

Some of you are just SO OTT. That's not abuse. That's getting off lightly for being dismissive of something that could have killed them all.

Be careful you don't melt.

My, @Zilla1, patronising much? The OP was woken during the night by an alarm about a potentially life-threatening CO problem, her OH was dismissive and all you can do is pontificate? It sounds as though her OH wasn’t paying attention until she made him.

Not patronising, Toasty, just trying to help the OP understand that while most posters seem to be lauding her, it might not be helpful for her relationship to have reacted how she did. As he DP paying attention or otherwise had no impact on her ability to open windows and make a phone call, conflating the two in her mind and yours too might not be helpful. People make mistakes and do stupid things in relationships, losing tempers/shouting/calling them stupid helps end relationships IME.

YANBU. My mum did exactly the same when we had ours fitted at home. It started beeping, and she ended up taking the batteries out!!!! I mean, it's years later now and she's still fine so I guess it was a false alarm, but for goodness sake, what's the point in having an alarm if you ignore it? The whole issue with carbon monoxide is that it's colourless and odourless, hence the need for an alarm! You did absolutely the right thing, and I hope everything's okay.

You're right.

I lived in a flat that had a CO leak from an incorrectly fitted gas fire. If it hadn't been for a colleague who was an ex-nurse saying that my falling asleep and feeling shite in the evenings might be a CO leak at home, it never would have occurred to me. Thankfully, the flat was also very draughty, so I guess that stopped it building up to critical levels.

The flat was in a building owned by the council and used as temp accommodatio for staff on relocation packages. The previous tenant was the County Fire Officer, who was shit hot about H&S, I'm amazed he never sussed it out.

We'd had a CO issue in the rented offices we were in for a while, too.

@Bowerbird5

Disneybee I’ve got one(DH) like that! I woke up to hear noises downstairs and nudge him awake. He told me to go down and see what is was rolled over and went back to sleep😲not quite what I was expecting. It turned out to be one of our sons (adult) who had been away and came back earlier than expected. It could have been a burglar though. I stopped relying on him...ever.

Mine did similar! Someone entered my kitchen and we could hear them from the living room upstairs. DH almost shoved me down the stairs to go see because it was technically my house (that he practically lived in as he still lived with his parents at the time.)

Thanks so much dude.

We assumed whoever it was must not have realised that the only thing through my door was a kitchen. A sparse kitchen with nothing of value and the rest of the house was upstairs where we were up watching tv. Unfortunately it was in fact a nutter neighbour with copies of my house keys trying to scare me after I assisted our LL (his ex boss) in a court case against him.

OP, I would have reacted the same as you if my husband told me to ignore a CO alarm through sheer bloody laziness! They go off for a reason and CO can kill a whole household in a single night.